Loving yourself through changes

Loving yourself is never a one-and-done deal.

There is always more of you  to love.

 Why?
 Because who you are today is different to who you were yesterday.. or last week or last month... or five years ago.

Change is the only constant.

Our beliefs change. we learn new things and things that we believed years ago, we now realize don't hold true for us any more.

Our relationships change. People who were our best friends for a long time we no longer see any more because we grew apart. Or the person that we married and thought was the love of our life we now realize was just a temporary stop on our journey through love.

Our body changes. We gain weight or we lose weight. Our body ages and we now have trouble with our hearing or our eye sight or our body just feels different than it used to.

And so we have to fall in love with our self... over and over again. Just like we do with our significant other.

I discovered this for myself recently. I am currently losing weight without even trying. Let me back up for a minute and say that I was always skinny growing up. My mother was always trying to convince me to eat and I was a picky, picky eater ( and as all mother's do she cursed me by saying " I hope you have a child as fussy as you when you grow up". Thanks Mum, I did, with bells on!). I was alsop teased unmercifully by adults and children alike. 

I was told not to stand side on or I might disappear altogether, that I was lucky my legs didn't snap and run up my arse ( who says that to someone?), that I should be careful in the wind in case I got blown away. That is just the adults. This kids just called me "stork legs"

I stayed skinny until I turned thirty although I was always terrified of becoming fat and obsessed over my weight.

Then came the perfect storm: I got pregnant to the man I was divorcing, I gave birth, got a tubal ligation, turned thirty and met the man of my dreams ... and his four girls. Not only did my hair start falling out in handfuls - so much that my hairdresser asked what to do about my bald patches but the weight ( which had all dropped off dramatically after the birth) all started piling on... and on ... and on.

I took a long time adjusting the image I had of myself to the image that was now in front of me. In my mind I was still slim. I tried eating differently. I tried exercising nothing changed.

It took me a long time to get comfortable and love my new body.

Over the past few years I have fallen deeply in love with my curvy body. I  called myself voluptuous. I claimed myself as a Sex Goddess. I wrote a book  and I shifted my mindset about what my body meant to me.

For the past couple of years I have been doing self love challenges and I am currently running Nurturing November ( a free email course. Sign up here ) and now the weight is falling off.

Yes, I changed my eating habits but not drastically. I am following the Paleo lifestyle ( I loathe to call it a diet becasue it doesn't feel like a diet at all) but not stringently. I have increased the amount of physical activity I'm doing because I have more energy although I wouldn't call it exercising ( that's in the plan though!)

But here's the thing my body is shedding the excess pounds which is great but I am also adjusting to the new slimmer me again. My clothes are getting lose and baggy. I have already gone down one size and these are now loose on me too.

As the pounds are dropping off I am learning to love myself in a new way. The stretch marks are becoming deeper and more noticeable now they are not stretched over fat, my breasts are not as plump and round as they once were. Not only is my body losing weight but,of course, I am older than I was when I was last slim so everything is different.

Oh and menopause is definitely on the horizon. Fun times.

The biggest thing I am learning ( relearning, reminding myself, noticing) is that my body really is only a very small part of who I am  and the Me that I have to love is the one who lies inside all of that. So I am loving myself a little more every day.


So here are my five tips to loving yourself through change:

(1) Change is inevitable.
 Accept that change is going to happen. If you keep struggling to keep things the same you are going to miss out on all the fun.

(2) Get comfortable with the new "normal" 
Once you accept that change is happening embrace it. All change feels uncomfortable at first but struggling with it, resisting it will only make the transition last longer and feel miserable in the process.

(3) Be gentle with yourself.
Some days everything will feel fine and others you will struggle with. It is all okay. Beating yourself up for having a bad day won't help. Taking a warm bath and going to bed early might be just the thing you need. Gentle, gentle.

(4) Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and say "I love you"
Keep reminding yourself how much you love you. Even on the days you feel like crap. Especially on the days you feel like crap. Do something you love. Treat yourself like your own best friend.

(5) Celebrate!
Take the time to acknowledge how far you have come . Every small step in the direction you want to go is a huge victory so take the time to celebrate. And keep going!

An Ode to Men

Let me just state right up front that I love men in general and my husband in particular. Sure, men are hairy and loud. They fart and think that belching the alphabet is funny and they scratch their privates while in public but lets face it, where would we be without them?

Yes, I know that women are equally as awesome ( and obnoxious, in different ways)

Yes, I know that  women can do all that men can do.

I also know that we need to start taking the time to appreciate each other more.

I read 81 Things that Dads do that make us Weak at the knees which made me smile and remember raising my kids.

That post then inspired Steven Lake to write My Wife tells me Ten Things I do that Make her Happy

And now I'm writing my own list.

10 Things My Husband does that make me weak at the Knees:

(1) Empties the trash. No big deal, no "look what I'm doing for you". Nope, he just empties the trash. Sure he may not always replace the bin liner but so what?

(2) He is always glad to see me.  It doesn't matter if I am looking frazzled, with my hair pointing in every direction but the one I want it too or all glammed up  he always greets me  with "Hey Beautiful" . That is a little slice of heaven right there.

(3) He calls me his Life Wife. We are both doing this marriage thing for the second time so that is a vote of confidence in our relationship and our bond. *swoon*

(4) He says "thank you" after every meal. No matter what I cook for him he thanks me for a delicious meal. Every time. *double swoon*

(5) He always checks the car. Putting petrol in the car is about my limit when it comes to car maintenance. So if I am off on a trip he does all the blokey checks; tyres, oil and whatever else needs doing. He also schedules all the servicing after asking me if I need the car that day.

(6) He made it part of our wedding vows to keep me in chocolate and "bling". He looks at jewelery catalogs more than I do!

(7) He listens. Whenever I am talking to him I get his full attention. He makes eye contact and fully engages with what I am saying regardless of whether it interests him or not.

(8) He sends me texts so I know he's thinking of me. Once or twice a day I'll get a text from him just to say "hi". Some are smutty. some are lovey dovey. Either way I know he's been thinking of me . *melting*

(9) The way he smiles. Just that. Seeing his face wreathed in joy makes my heart go all gooey inside.

(10) His hugs. He wasn't much of a hugger when we first got together  but now he gives the best hugs ever.

Bonus (11) Love the way he is sooo gentle with animals.

Five Things I love about my Sons:

(1) They are not afraid to be totally themselves. They are all different and they are all proudly who they are.

(2) They embrace their soft side. My eldest has four kids and I have seen hi be incredibly gentle and tender with his daughters while encouraging them to be adventurous  too. My middle son used to try and organize romantic interludes for my hubby and me when he was 11. Or he would pick flowers for hubby to give me. So sweet

(3) They call their mother. My youngest just had some great news. Who did he call? His Mum. One hour later and we ran out of things to talk about. So grateful that they keep in touch.

(4) They know what I like. Youngest sent me a purple scarf from the US. ( Love purple, love scarves!) Middle son gave me a turquoise Buddha for my birthday ( I now have quite a collection of Buddhas). Eldest sent flowers and photos of my grandy's.

(5) They all end their calls with "Love you Mum" * just a puddle on the floor*

Three Things I love about my  (male) Hairdresser.

(1) He listens. Yup, listening is HUGE. HUGE I tell you!. By simply paying attention I feel validated, heard and valued.

(2) He cares. When my mother in law passed away earlier this year and I had a not-so-great haircut from one of the other stylists at the salon, Richard fixed it for me and made me feel great in the midst of a shitty, shitty time.

(3) He gets me. He understands the look I want to achieve and at the end of cutting my hair he says
" There you are. Now you look more like you." *swoon*
( If you want to check out his work go here )

Come back next week and I will post my "Ode to Women" for all the Fabulous ladies in my life.

Who do you need to show some appreciation too?


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Does sexy have an expiry date?

Due to a technical glitch I lost the first post of this so here we go again with take two:

This morning I started my day by watching this video from a project called What's underneath.

In it Jackie O' Shaugnessy a 62 year old actor and model talks about how she has never felt enough; thin enough, smooth enough or just enough at all. She had always felt that she needed to modify her looks in order to be acceptable.

The same can be said for just about every woman on the planet which is why we have a multi billion dollar industry for weight loss, cosmetic surgery and not to mention hair dyes and make up. Women being dissatisfied with their bodies is a lucrative business.

And then I read this article from Carol Sarler and here's the headline:

Don't believe the ads. I'm afraid sexy does have a sell-by date and it's way before 60

Venus of Willendorf - Fertility Goddess

She had also seen Jacky in some advertisements for underwear but instead of seeing this as an empowering beautiful  acceptance of bodies of all ages and sizes she chose to see it as an excuse to berate older women for showing their bodies. In her mind being sexy is something only young fertile  women should be. I'm not entirely sure what her cut off date is for being sexy but she does go on to mention 

"Sexy is the means by which the female lures her mate.
Sexy is attracting the seed to make your babies"

Um, all I can say is WTF?

If sexy was only about fertility and breeding then I suggest we go back to these fertility symbols as the epitome of "sexy". The truth is what I find sexy and what you find sexy might be poles apart and have very little to do with procreation and more to do with just plain sex.

Let's stop judging and berating women for what they choose to wear, for what size they are and whether or not they fit into your idea of "sexy" or not.


How I look and choose to dress is up to me. Your approval is not needed or required.



 What we should be doing is applauding and celebrating the diversity of images that we are, finally, starting to see in the fashion industry. After all it is what we have been asking for, for years; more ethnic diversity, broader spectrum of ages, different body shapes and sizes. Now they are listening we  ( well a small sector) are saying "Oh no, my eyes are offended"

And let's just talk about sex for a minute ( or maybe longer). Sex doesn't stop just because you are no longer having babies. In fact some of the best sex you will ever have happens after all the kids have left home and you are moving towards menopause. It is something we would all rather not talk about  because the thought of old people having sex is  ewww gross ( not really but in our youth obsessed culture that's more bull shit we are fed)

We have become so youth focused that we are all ( supposedly) trying to cling to the last vestiges of our youth by whatever means possible but let's be realistic for a moment, youth is fleeting. On average we live until our 80's and are only sexually available from our late teens and once we hit our 30's it is (supposedly) all over. that is a very brief window in which we are "allowed" to be sexy.

.        Youth is wasted on the young. Oscar Wilde

Sex gets better as you age. You become more comfortable in your own skin ( hopefully). You are less inhibited and the rush to orgasm is lessened. You are not so driven by lust (and that powerful urge to procreate) and so sex becomes a sensual feast rather than the drive thru take away it was before. Now I am not saying that the sex you have when you are younger isn't great  ( okay I am but that's because I've been young and now I'm old -ish and I know what I'm having now transcends the sex I had when I was younger).

If we truly want to make the world a better place to live in then articles like the one in the Daily Mail do us a huge disservice. We need to celebrate beauty in whatever form it comes in. Instead of dragging people down for how awful they look ( in your eyes) let's celebrate all the differences. Instead of trying to squash everyone into a small box marked beautiful, sexy people let's redefine what that means with much broader strokes.

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This is why we can never win

Ideas of what constitutes beauty are constantly changing. Our obsession with thinness has only been around since the sixties with the likes of Twiggy and  Jean Shrimpton ( aka The shrimp) and what people forget is that fashion designers are not interested in the model but in the drape of the clothes. Models are, in fact, glorified clothes hangers.

They don't want annoying things like curves, boobs, bellies and butts, to detract from the clothes which is where your focus is supposed to be. So models are getting younger and younger and thinner and thinner.

But it doesn't stop there.

No.

We all know that images are photoshopped to within an inch of their lives so that often those portrayed no longer even resemble themselves. Skin is smoothed, pesky things like pores, are removed, necks are lengthened, waists are narrowed, thighs thinned, well, the list is endless.

So the average woman is left feeling less; less than beautiful, less than sexy, less than desirable, just less. What do we do? We follow the latest diet or exercise craze in an attempt to attain that which is unattainable; the perfect body that we see portrayed before us in every magazine, every television show, every commercial.

We read column inches of how the latest superstar dropped her baby weight by some crazy means ( I don't read the mags so couldn't come up with an example LOL!) failing to mention that she has a nanny, a personal trainer and possibly even a cook.

We watch reality shows likeThe Biggest Loser believing that the weigh in's are held weekly and then get disappointed with our own meagre weight loss in the same time frame when it is all a lie.

And then we have this news.

It seems the latest winner of The Biggest Loser was a female. But that is not the shocker.

No, what is "shocking" is that she started the show fat ( no shock there), proceeded to lose lots of weight on the show which is why she won and then came back for the big reveal even skinnier. She thinks she looks great but everyone else thinks she has gone too far and now looks skeletal.

And this is why we can not win when it comes to our body image.

I know that it is important that we don't promote obesity as a healthy image. It is also important that we don't value thinness above all else.

Healthy is not a size.

Beauty is not a size.

There are just as many unhealthy thin people as there are unhealthy fat people, it's just that they are harder to spot and therefore more acceptable.

There are just as many thin people that smoke to excess or drink to excess or eat tonnes of junk food or do drugs or well the list goes on.

There are just as many truly beautiful fat people  as there are thin people we just aren't looking at them through non judging eyes. We see only the unacceptable fat and declare them ugly and lazy and stupid and lacking in willpower when the fact is we have no idea of what they have been through or what they are going through.

So instead of looking at others and deciding on their merits,  or lack thereof, how about we look at ourselves and decide on our own value and worth?

 How about we stop waiting for the world to accept us  and we start accepting ourselves?

How about we focus on loving who we are so we can love others as they are?

Because, who knows what beauty will look like tomorrow?



If you are interested in learning to love yourself from the inside out then come and join the Self Love Club

Click the link for all the details. Starts February 14 2014 Join today! Now starting March 14!!!

The Power of "Thank you"

I have been keeping a Gratitude journal for years. Well, mostly in fits and starts. Some weeks I do it every day and then somehow I fall of the wagon and days, sometimes weeks or even months go past without a single gratitude entry. And here's the funny thing ( not funny haha, just funny/strange) when I am doing my gratitude everyday my life flows better.

I notice things to be grateful for; the soft rain after days of sunshine, a warm fire when it's freezing outside, new flowers on my rose bushes, birds flying up to my window to say "hi" and always, a;ways my darling for being awesomely himself.

Then life starts getting busier. I am happier, calmer and more grounded and somehow the ritual of writing in my gratitude diary falls by the way side.

That is until this year.

This year I made a conscious choice to continue the practice all year. I even added in an extra component, a gratitude jar. I had a large flagon that my father in law had given me ( actually he gave me three - lucky me! thanks Bill!) and I started to write down things that happened each day or week that I was grateful for, I wrote them on little post it notes and I will take them out on New Years Eve to look back over my year and see just how blessed I truly am.

But mostly I write in my journal. I also created the 100 days of Gratitude over  on my Facebook page , come over and join us, we are on day 63!! This has been a great way to keep the focus on gratitude and share it with my followers. The lovely part has seeing how they are joining in and sharing what they are grateful for too.

At Christmas time I start feeling all mooshy and grateful for all the people who have helped me throughout the year and one of the ways I share this is by sending them "thank you"notes or buying them chocolate
 ( because that's the same thing, right? ). I do this for my hairdresser, my accountant, our postie  and , when I lived in town, the guys who picked up the recycling (only I got them beer).

Gratitude is one of the highest vibrations

You see, it is so easy to take people for grated. Sure, I am paying those people to do a job for me and all of them do it well so isn't it worth acknowledging how much you appreciate the work they do for you by giving them a gift? To say "hey I really value and appreciate the work you do for me?". Because, let's face it, everyone like to know that they are appreciated.

And here's the funny thing about showing appreciation; you feel good, they feel good and (wait for it) anyone who sees the exchange also feels good. How cool is that? Everyone gets a boost of feel good hormones coursing through their bodies, which boost the immune system, lowers the blood pressure and generally just makes you go all mooshy and lovey dovey inside.

Now, if you believe in the Law of attraction ( which you should, because it is a law, just like gravity. Uh oh things are getting a bit woo woo in here, brace yourselves) what you will begin to notice is that as you express more gratitude you will find more things to be grateful for. You will realize that you are already blessed with an abundance of good things in your life and begin to feel more content with yourself, your relationships and life in general.

Gratitude can change the world

All this from the simple act of writing down what you are grateful for, each day.

One of the things I give thanks for each and every day is my husband. Which makes me more loving towards him, which in turn makes him more loving towards me ( you see how this can spiral out of control can't you?)

Not noticing all that your partner does for you can lead to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction but by simply acknowledging what they are doing, thanking them verbally and also in your journal, shifts the energy noticeably and in a short space of time.

Gratitude has the power to transform your life and the lives of those around you. It is simple, effective and costs next to nothing

So who do you need to say "thank you"to?  What and who are you grateful for? Now is a good time to let them know.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Thank you for sharing it  ( you are sharing it, right?) Thanks for coming over and liking my Facebook page. Oh and thanks for leaving a comment, I love hearing from you guys!!

Sex just gets better

A Good Woman's Dirty Mind    is a great blog (if you haven't checked it out already get over there and do so - after you've finished reading mine, of course) and she wrote a piece recently on the differing sex lives of Liberals versus  Democrats.

Turns out the Conservatives sex lives dry up at about age 68 (eek!) whereas Liberals continue an active sex life into their 80's ( I knew there was a good reason I was a Liberal!!)

I also r4ead recently that dear old Miley ( yes the twerk mad pop star) thinks that if you are over 40 ( 40!! people, come on what drugs is she on???) then you are no longer having sex. EVER. AT. ALL.


Well I would just like to state for the record that sex only gets better with age. Much like a fine wine or a good cheese.

If you have been reading any of my blog posts ( and if you haven't then check out some of my other ones as soon as you finish this one. Trust me it will be worth it.) I am now 51 while my darling hubby is 61. So in the world according to Miley we have been sexually inactive for the past 11 years for me  and since the Hubster and I didn't get together until he was forty our sex life would have never got off the ground.

I know! Shocking so lets all take a nice deep, cleansing breath and relax because I am here to tell you that sex only gets better (well for us Liberals, anyway).

That's right sex gets better...... and better..... and better ( oh my God it is soooo GOOD!)

We have had our house full of kids for years. In fact we have only been empty nesters ( hideous phrase, someone come up with something cool and sexy STAT) for the past two years. Yup,two years! and there is nothing like a house all to yourself to completely unleash all of your sexy, sexiness to its full potential, like having the house completely devoid of children, or anyone else for that matter.

All you parents out there will know what I'm talking about. No having to worry if the kids are asleep or wondering if they are going to tromp down the hall going  "Muuuuuummmmmm"at just the wrong moment (and trust me, they do)

Earlier this year my youngest moved home for month before flying off to America this led to one embarrassing moment which can happen after months of the house all to yourself.

Me in all my sexy glory.

The intimacy and depth of trust in a relationship grows over the years and this allows you both to stretch more fully into your sexual selves. There is comfort in knowing that your partner still finds you desirable even though your body is not the same as it was when you got together.

Sure, we still have some less than ecstatic experiences as any long time married, working couple will tell you, sometimes you are both just tired or sex is the last thing on your mind or well, whatever, life sometimes just gets in the way. But, thankfully, we also have some mind blowing, leg - trembling, mind blowing ecstatic experiences and , blissfully, these are more and more common and well worth waiting for.

Part of this, for us, was a conscious decision to focus on improving our sex lives. Yes, it does need some though and action on your part, it doesn't just happen. No magic fairy is coming along to anoint you with new sexual powers ( sad but true). Reading Nicole Daedone's book Slow Sex ( if  you haven't read it, go get a copy) and putting it into practise was a step in the right direction. I also made the decision that I was a Sex Goddess, several years previously and that added another dimension to our sex lives, fully embracing my sexuality has been HUGE, huge I tell you.
So if your sex life has gotten a little lack luster remember that (a) there is hope (b) it is up to you to change it, not your partner, YOU .

What about you? Have you noticed that your sex life is getting better as you get older? Leave me a comment below.

Touch a, touch a, touch me!

 We all need to be touched.

We yearn for it .

We ache for it.

And some of us go to great lengths to get it. Touch, that is.

The name of this blog post is from  The Rocky Horror Picture show Youtube clip.

If you have never seen it go and check it out. The link above is to one of my favorite songs from the show.


However, some of us seem to be under the impression that when men touch it is purely as a prelude to sex or sex related. Consequently a lot of women withdraw or refrain from touching the men in their lives as they don't want to encourage sexual advances.

As women, we have the luxury ( yes, it is a luxury and don't you forget it!) of regular human contact . If we are single we will get hugs from our girlfriends ( and if you are one of my girlfriends you will soon realize that you will get hugged..... a lot!).

We hug.

We rub each others arms.

We put our hands around each others shoulders.

We just reach out and touch each others arms or hands

Hell, I have even been known to walk arm in arm with my BFF's ( yes, I have more than one) when strolling down the street.

Now pause for just a moment and think about any males you may know and ask yourself when was the last time you gave them a hug or a pat on the back or nay other form of affectionate touching. Then ask yourself when did they get that from one of their male friends . The answer is, probably never.

Because it would be considered , well, a bit "gay". And therein lies the problem. Men touching each other is frowned upon. It is seen as  too girly or poofterish ( yeah, I'm not politically correct. Deal with it)

Men on the sports field however will touch and hug and generally release all of their touchy feelings while at the same time being as butch as you like.

But if your man is not a sportsman he isn't getting that kind of interaction. So the touching is, literally, all in your hands

And they need it just as much as we do.

Some of them need it more. They are crying out to be touched, to be held.

Why?


Because it is a basic human need.

 Like breathing.

It is one of the first ways that we start to connect to the world. We, hopefully, are laid on the bare skin f our mother, nurtured and cradled, moments after leaving the womb. It is this connection, this touch that we yearn and crave for all our lives.

When I was a young girl of 11 I would hug my father good night, usually I would sit in his lap. Innocent, natural. But then one day Dad decided that I was now "too old"to sit in his lap. This was the only affection I received from my father on a daily basis and just like that, it stopped.

I was devastated. I couldn't understand why he was rejecting me , because that is what it felt like. What had I done wrong?

Grow up.
 That was the mistake I had made. I was developing breasts round about then so that made me "too old" for affection.

Guess what?

We do this even younger to our boys.

When they are born we cuddle and nuzzle them. As toddlers we hold their hands and stroke their hair and cuddle them. Then, at some point, and it's different in every family, we start being told  by other males or family members to "stop babying him"  or some such nonsense. Sometimes the boys themselves will resist the hugs you give them but deep, deep inside they still want it . They have just learnt that thy have to be tough or brave or manly ( or a long list of stupid words)

The sad thing is, at whatever age it happens, we stop touching them. Whether they are in their early teens or late teens or at some stage before that we just stop.

And the tragedy of it all is this is when they need it most.

I have spoken before about how to raise gorgeous boys and the importance of touch  and sadly, I will probably talk about it again and again until we get the message. Men need to be touched. We all do. It is part of being human.

I have recently met a beautiful woman whose job is all based around touch and you can connect with her here

How to fall madly, deeply, passionately in love with your self every day

Last week I wrote about falling in love with your partner as it has been a bit of a love fest at my house for a while now. And falling in love with your partner is great.

Much of the time we protest that relationships are hard work.

That we have to take the time and consciously put effort into keeping love, passion and sex alive in our relationship.

The truth is  relationships with others are easy.

Sure we have days where the sound of our partner's voice is like nails on a blackboard ( for those of you young folk its not a great sound. Google it. I'm sure somewhere there is a Youtube video of someone demonstrating it - pause while I check Yup! Here you go )

But most of the time it only takes a few minutes for us to remember that time he brought us flowers...... he had picked himself.... for you ( yes my honey did that for me recently!) or that text he sent that says"Yr my drm boat" ( another gem from my honey!) and we go all mooshy and squishy inside and sigh and feel waves of love swirl around us like moonbeams on a dark night.

EASY.

EFFORTLESS.

There we are back in love with our dreamboat.

No, what is hard is falling in love with yourself, over and over again.

Forgiving yourself for the stupid things you have said or done.

Loving yourself  in spite of the fact that you are 20 pounds overweight and haven't exercised for months.

Loving yourself even when your hair just won't sit right dammit!

Loving yourself  when you opened your mouth and something stupid, hurtful and even as you say it you wish you could take it back but you can't.

Loving yourself even when it feels like nothing is going right in your life right now , in fact it's just one giant suckfest and then the car breaks down or the vacuum cleaner packs up when you haven't vacuumed for weeks and you have people coming over in, like, five minutes. ( that happens to you too right?). Or you have just lost your job and have no idea how you are going to get another one.

Loving yourself is something that we all pay lip service too.

Then we fall into the trap of beating ourselves up....... because we ate cake.

Or we put ourselves down  for not exercising this week ( month, year!)

Or we lie in bed going over all the stupid things we have done for the past week ( month, year, decade!)

Or we obsess over the kilo ( or two, three, five) we have gained. And then we go on ( yet another) diet and then beat ourselves up for failing at that too.

And so starts the never ending loop of just not being, quite good enough.

We measure ourselves against the latest "it"celebrity/model/pop singer. We look at their skinny bodies in all the magazines and wonder why we can't look like that 24/7. Forgetting that they have (a) a stylist (b) a personal trainer (c) a nanny to look after the kids and (d) a chef to cook for them or at least a nutritionist to help them.

So how do we just STOP the endless diatribe against ourselves and START  truly, madly, deeply loving ourselves?

I Love YOU!

Just like in last weeks article.

We start by looking ourselves in the eye as we wash our face, apply our makeup and any other chance we get and say, out loud "I Love you. You are awesome and beautiful and talented and I just wanted you to know how much I love you."

Yup all of that, while making eye contact.
By telling your self how much you love you , you start to reconnect to your own innate wisdom and self belief and you stop looking for outside validation.

I value my.....

Start each day by writing down a minimum of three things that you value about yourself. I do this at the same time as I do my gratitude journal.

This practice helps reaffirm that who you are has inherent value and worth, because you do.

We tend to think that who we are is represented by our bodies but as all the great teachers tell us "You are not your body. You have a body but you are not your body" take a moment to think about that.

Gratitude

Give thanks for all the things that you have present in your life and all the fun stuff that you get to do. Far too many of us move through our day taking it for granted but life is precious and taking a moment to give thanks for your body; your sense of smell, the things you can taste or hear or touch, the fact that you have two functional legs and can run and jump and walk wherever you want to go, these things are a blessing.

Just ask someone who can no longer do those things.

Get up, dress up, show up

 I work from home and it would be super easy to never get out of my pj's but guess what? Yup every day I get up, dress up and show up just like I am off to work... because I am.

I wear matching underwear ( if you're a guy you probably don't realize how great this makes us girls feel) and I dress as if I am off to work including  jewelery and accessories. I don't necessarily wear make up because that is a some days yes, some days no thing for me but I always make an effort with how I look REGARDLESS of whether I am leaving the house or not.

Why?

Because it makes me feel great.

I don't have outfits that I wear om "special "occasions because being alive is a special occasion.

So get up, dress up and show up for your life


 I am launching my

 LOVE YOUR BODY REVOLUTION program soon.

 Sign up for my newsletter for all the details of when it's coming.


 In the meantime here's a wee taster of what is coming.

  .Love your body audio Free Gift






Leave me a comment with one thing you are grateful for about your body. I'd love to hear from you or come join me on my Facebook page

How to love your life

When you read the average magazine you soon discover that you are broken.

You discover that who you are and how you look is not enough.

Your hair is not straight enough or the right colour or glossy enough compared to the women in the adverts.

Your body is not tall enough or thin enough.

You didn't bounce back to your pre baby weight within days of giving birth like all the movie stars and models did.

Your life isn't unfolding into one glorious , joy filled, panorama, full of endless close family gatherings at which everyone is deliriously happy,. It is not an endless round of happy coffee outings with half a dozen of your best friends because in reality you only have one or two close friends.

You are not having wave after wave of orgasmic sex with your husband night after night because frankly you are too tired.

Your home does not look like the pages of magazine either.

So you try a little harder, you work out more, you eat better, you clean the house and straighten your hair. You read all the self help books and the articles in the magazine. You buy all the right products. You attend seminars and courses.

But nothing seems to work. Somehow you still feel like things are just not quite "right" and you don't know why.There is even a name for it now "the Goldilocks Effect" or trying to be "just right".


We all seem to be round pegs trying to fit into a very square hole. An unattainable square hole called "perfection". an unattainable square hole shaped by photoshop and unrealistic ideas of what beauty actually is.

And here is the thing that we have all forgotten.


The one thing that if you take the time to remember it and use it everyday will transform your life.

Are you ready?

You are not broken.

There is nothing about you that needs to be fixed because you never were broken.

Now I am not saying that we shouldn't exercise or eat right or maintain our bodies. No, what I am saying is that it is time for us to try loving ourselves as we are  right now, today!

We have tried (and tried and tried and tried!) to fit ourselves into the acceptable image that the media, society and everyone else constantly shoves down our throats. We have tried to be "normal" but more and more  we are realizing that "normal" isn't who we are.

Most of the people I know are rebels, idealists, dreamers, creatives and "normal"just is not their frame of reference. Our society has become so homogenized and bland that we have forgotten who we are and who we want to be.

What I am suggesting is that we start a movement towards self love. That we stop feeling like we have to conform, to squeeze our self into the prescribed image  that society has laid down for us. That we get in touch with our own bodies and figure out what works for it best. That we stop comparing ourselves to the stick thin models on the runway and realize that they were blessed with exceptional genes that we do not posses. That we wake up to the photshopping and retouching that goes on in print media so that what gets printed is not even remotely like the model or actress that stood before the camera.

Let's take a collective deep breath and honour who we are. We have value far beyond just our looks so let's stop obsessing over every pound ( or gram or whatever measurement your country uses to keep track of your weight) we lose or gain. stop obsessing over what size clothes we fit into. I know America has an adult size 0 but frankly I still believe that size is for babies and that is all. And let's face it every brand has a slightly different version of any so called standard size..

I see far too many truly, beautiful women who do not get naked with their husbands or who are constantly trying to lose weight to measure up to some ideal version of themselves. Too many of us have given up on showing up in the world because of the opinions of others and it has to stop.


I am currently creating a LOVE YOUR BODY program complete with workbook, gratitude journal and meditations to help you learn to love every aspect of your body. Sign up for my FREE monthly newsletter for all the latest info and helpful hints for loving your body today. Click the highlighted link for the sing up form
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Love yourself + 5 tips to add more love into your day

Self love

Two little words that pack a big punch.

Trouble is most of us are so busy worrying about what others think of us that we forget what it is that we like about ourselves. We continually look outside of ourselves; to the media, to our friends, to any on else that might possible have an opinion about the way we wear our hair, or what colours we should be wearing or even, heaven forbid, who we sleep with.

None of this is news.

I have written about self love before Self care here and here Space Clearing your Junk and even here Self Acceptance is a Fickle Beast.

I have written about  loving certain aspects of our bodies here Love your Labia, Ladies.

And I will probably be writing it about it again ...... and again........ and again.

Why?

Well, because most of us still don't love ourselves enough, if at all. We all wish that we could be someone different  or that our bodies could look somewhat different than they currently do.

 If we have curly hair we want it straight or vice versa.

If we have  big breasts we want smaller ones Or if we have small ones we want bigger ones.

If we are fat we want to be skinny. If we are skinny we wish that perhaps we were more curvy in certain places.

I could go on and on but frankly it makes me weary.

I watched an old video today of Julia Roberts interviewing George Clooney (because , you know, I love me some George! And lets face it , we all get lost in Youtube from time to time) and you can check it out here
Any way back to my blog ( because that's where all the FUN happens , people!)  George asks Julia if she has any body issues and her reply just STOPPED . Me. In. My . Tracks. She said "Well, yeah I'm a girl."

"Well, yeah, I'm a girl"

So all girls are supposed to have body issues? It's just a given now? We are alive, we are female and we have body issues?

When did this happen? And who forgot to give me the memo?

Its this kind of negative programming that has become so insidious in todays world.

Then we wonder why our kids are growing up wanting to change who they are or wanting plastic surgery to change what they can't fix.

So I say it again.... Why can't we just love ourselves? Why don't we try just loving our body as it is ? Today. Right now. Without having to change a thing.

Because if we truly loved ourselves then we would eat great food....... instead of food like substance that the advertising companies want you to eat.

If we truly loved ourselves we would move our bodies in whatever way felt great for us.

If we truly loved ourselves it wouldn't matter to us how others looked, we would be too busy enjoying our own lives to focus on what others are doing.

If we truly loved ourselves we would be working to create more beauty and love in our world purely for the fact that it makes our hearts sing.

So my challenge to you is this; commit to doing one small act of self love every day for 21 days.

Here's a few ideas to get you started:
(1) Meditate for ten minutes every day

(2) Create a green juice or smoothie that you love and add that to your daily routine

(3) Stand outside, in bare feet and connect with the Earth for 5 minutes each day

(4) Start a gratitude journal. Write down five things in your day that you are grateful for

(5) Try dry skin brushing before your shower. as you brush your skin tell your body how much you love it.

Your AMAZING Vagina Part 2

Where is Part one I hear you cry?????!!!??

Fear not!

I did a guest blog post for My Tiny Secrets ( click on the link to read it) and at the end of it I realized that I hadn't covered even half of what I wanted to say about our wondrous vagina's so here we are at Part 2.

Enjoy.

We are incredibly complex creatures. We have raging hormones to deal with each month  which can lead to PMS and erratic crying jags followed by gorging on chocolate and then complaining that we are fat ( or is that just me?). We can fall out with our bestie one minute and then call them the following day as if nothing has happened.

Complex.

Complicated.
Secrets of the clitoris
It is just the way we are made and it doesn't stop with emotions and relationships.

No, no no. Our bodies are complex and intricate too. In fact it has only recently been discovered that the clitoris is not merely the tiny little nub that we all know and love but is instead a complex series of interconnected issues.  Thinking that the clitoris is all there is like saying that the glans of a man's penis is all there is.

Science only discovered just how involved the clitoris is in the 1990's (yes, you read that right) even though in depth studies of the penis had been done as far back as the 70's.

Much has been written and debated about whether the G spot even exists in women but ,by merely examining the image on the left, you can see that by stimulating deeper inside a women's vagina that you are still, in fact, stimulating the clitoris .

Realizing that the clitoris is deeply embedded in the vagina itself and that the wee nub contains over 8,000 nerve endings, compared to only 4,000 in a penis, we can start to appreciate just how intense our orgasms truly are.

Starting to love your vagina just a wee bit more? I know I am.
 G Spot Facts
From looking at the diagram above you can also see that by stimulating the G spot you may feel the urge to pee. Here's a fun fact for, well actually its two, there is no urethra in the clitoris  and we were actually designed to ejaculate ( or squirt to use the colloquial term). Any liquid that you release due to G spot stimulation is not urine! End of story. So just relax, let go and enjoy a new level of orgasm intensity.


 Step away from scented toilet paper, NOW!

Your vagina is also self cleaning. Thats right, it maintains a perfect pH balance while being the prefect environment for bacteria,yeast and fungi to grow. It is all about the dark, warm, moist atmosphere and as long as we are in good health and eating the right foods, our lovely vagina maintains itself in perfect balance.

In fact all those lovely, healthy bacteria that are a natural part of our vagina's make up, are also integral in populating the next generations gut as they pass through the birth canal ( which is obviously not just the vagina). So as your baby is being born it is ingesting all the right probiotic goodies it needs for a long and healthy life. ( bet you didn't know that before, did you?)

In fact there are now specific probiotics to help you maintain your vagina in tip top health. And while we are on the subject could I please, please beg of you to STOP using scented, dyed toilet paper and scented pantyliners? All those harsh chemicals hugely interfere with your vagina's ability to cleanse itself, and for the love of all that is holy, do not feel you need to douche or use vaginal deodorants. You don't smell bad! If you do notice a not so pleasant odor do my two point check list: ( a) have I recently had sex? Yes? Ok then that is not an unpleasant odor that is just the smell of sex so lucky me! Shower and the situation is sorted. ( b) is the smell strong? Do I have a discharge? Am I itchy? Yes? Head to the doctor, buy some of the probiotics I mentioned earlier and work on eating healthier.

Are you starting to get a real sense of just how amazing your vagina is? And trust me, honey I have barely scratched the surface.


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Sex 101

I love sex.

I read about sex........ all the time.

Sex fascinates me and is my drug of choice. Having a bad day? Sex will cheer you up. Having a great day? Sex will make it better.

I've been studying it for , well, forever. Obviously when I was preteen it was not on the agenda but once I hit my teens ( and could get my hands on anything sex related) I read about it.

Now, lets just be clear; I was not overly promiscuous, no, I was a good Catholic girl but it still fascinated me. I had my first sexual encounter at 16 with a 26 year old. I had always know that I wanted an older guy to do the deed as I had already had enough of young boy fumblings. To say that I was disappointed would be a gross understatement but I had yet to achieve orgasm so its hardly a surprise.

So I am constantly surprised that with all the information that we have at our fingertips how little people know about sex.

I just spent  half an hour on the phone with a client who is  in his 30's explaining the ins and outs ( pun intended) of sex with an older woman. He was desperate to please her but really had little knowledge of how a womans body works, let alone an older woman.

The biggest thing we all seem to forget is that the brain is the biggest, most reliable and most under used sex organ that we have. If you stimulate the brain enough all sorts of magical things can and do happen. Communication, or lack of it, is the biggest mistake that we make when it comes to sex. We seem to think that the other person, if they truly loved us, would know what to do; how to stroke us, where to stroke us, which areas light us up and which ones do absolutely nothing for us.

But love ( or lust) does not automatically make us a mind reader and unfortunately most of us are too shy, too scared of seeming pervy, too inhibited, too frustrated or too hurt from past relationships to open our mouths and say exactly what it is that (a) we want or (b) we like. And yet that is the only way that our partner can know what to do.

We have been taught by the media that sex looks a certain way and that all sorts of bells and whistles go off without much effort when in actual fact only about 20% of woman achieve orgasm through penetration alone. Most woman will need digital or oral stimulation to achieve the orgasms that seem so effortless on our screens.

Lubrication is often an issue but you never see it used in movies or porn. In fact I read a story of a  teenage girl being accused of being "disgusting"by her ( soon to be ex) boyfriend because she was too wet. He had been "educated"by porn and didn't realise that  girls get wet when aroused and found it "repulsive". I feel quite sorry for him and her. She now has hang ups about a perfectly natural function of her body.
But this is what happens when we give our kids no information and they  "educate"themselves with porn which is easily accessible via the internet.

Yes, we have basic information of the what-goes -where type when it comes to sex education but there is never any talk of intimacy or trust  or emotional connection. There is no discussion of exploring each others bodies and of exploring your sexuality. No, because that would encourage promiscuity and if we are truly honest with ourselves, makes parents, teacher and teenagers alike a tad uncomfortable.

I remember talking about sex with my own sons and how cringey they found it but I explained it to them this way "I am your mother. It is my job to keep you safe so this is information that you need to keep you safe." I also ensured that sex books that I had were not hidden away but openly displayed on our bookshelf so that had all the information that they needed without having to talk to me.

So what  questions do you have about sex? What information do you wish that you had or would you like covered in a coming blog? Leave me a comment here on on my facebook page here.

Life interrupted

You know how it is ; one minute your life is sailing along and the next you somehow get derailed, shunted sideways by life and you are no longer sure of which way is up.

That's what has happened to me.

somehow or other I lost my footing on my path and took a tumble. While I was down there I started questioning what the hell it was that I was even doing? Why did I write my blog? Why did I have a Facebook page? Why did I feel an overwhelming urge to share all the ins and outs of my life with you, the faceless readers? Why? Why?
 And I found I didn't have a decent reason to.

So I stopped.

I shut down my business.

I closed my Facebook page.

I logged out of Linked In.

I kept Twitter and Google+ ( mainly because I forgot I had it LOL) and I kept my blog. Only I didn't really post anymore - just sporadic bursts of indignation that the world had not healed itself yet goddammit! and why were we still being so vile to one another??

During all this time I have taken a wander deep, deep, deep ( yup that deep!) into myself.

I did a 21 day mantra meditation journey with Deva Premal because chanting always grounds me. In fact I'm listening to mantras on Grooveshark as I'm writing this.

I have returned to my gratitude journal to give daily thanks for everything in my life; the good , the bad and the ugly  as it were.

I have practised daily EFT as I go to sleep and as I awake every morning and night for weeks.

I have  read and read and read some more.
I have blobbed out in front of mindless television,  watching all the episodes of Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad back to back.
I have practiced hoóponopono for anything and everything that you can imagine.
I have given myself daily Reiki sessions.

And I still feel broken, lost and confused.

Until last night.

I have taken a part time job working night shift at a small kiwifruit lab. I have made a few friends and one of them asked me a few days ago why and how I always stayed positive. she sees me as the woman who always has a smile on her face and who is always upbeat ( ahhh the masks that we wear)  So I shared with her some of the things that I have been doing ( listed above) and suggested that she think of 5 things that she could be grateful for and a few other simple suggestions.

Last night she thanked me for helping her and when I shared that this was the work I had been doing before starting at the lab she said "Well you are really good at it and you should go back to it"

Now I had spent the night doing my work and asking the angels for guidance, for some sign of what my next step should be.

Do you think I got my answer? I do.

So I have decided I am going to start, gently easing myself back into........ something.

I have a passion for helping woman feel comfortable with their bodies the way that they are now. You see often we get the "I"ll be happy when"syndrome : I'll be happy when I lose  x number of pounds/kilos, I'll be happy when I can fit into a size...., I'll be happy when I get the perfect haircut, I'll be happy when  I have bigger/smaller breasts, I'll be happy when ...... and the list never ends..... and we never realise that we get to choose to be happy now.

 I am passionate about making the world a better place to live by showing people how to love themselves first and foremost because in loving yourself and having compassion for all the fuck ups that you make in your own life you will have so much more compassion for everyone else that you ever come in contact with. In my work I have found that the person most people struggle to forgive the most is not the person who inflicted incredible pain on them; no, they struggle most in forgiving themselves. I know that this has been what I am struggling with and the more that I forgive myself the happier I am with my life.

I am passionate about writing.

I am passionate about having the best, juiciest relationship int he world and helping others to achieve a deep level of intimacy that they may not have reached before. I believe that we connect with each other on a primal level when we engage in sex and sometime those "hooks"need to be released from past sexual encounters so that we can move into a deeper connection with the person in front of us now. Sexual wounding happens to all of us from time to time but we tend to push it down or deny to our selves that it ever took place and by doing this we shut off part of our sexual juice.

I could go on .... and on but somehow I am going to pull all the threads of my passions into SOMETHING. So brace yourself World, I'm back on track and with a firmer grasp of who I am and what my purpose is.

Wish me luck xx

The Myth of Sisterhood

We like to think that women are soft, caring nurturing people.

That women support and cheer on their fellow women.

We have this illusion reinforced with television shows such as Sex and the City, Friends and The Gilmour Girls and Hot in Cleveland.

We see it in movies such as Steel Magnolias and Bridesmaids


But the fact of the matter is women are often quietly undermining each other;  sniping and sneering at other women, walking down the street, bitching about their friends to other friends and delighting in others misfortune ( albeit, quietly to ourselves).

We see it with magazines that exalt a movie star one week and then post unflattering pics of the same star the next with nasty headlines.

We seem to take devilish delight in the fall of stars like Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears, snapping up magazines with tales of their latest exploits.


Amanda Foy of The Goddess Imperative wrote a recent blog post asking why we do this to each other and pleading for it to stop.

And then I read this interview with Christiane Northrup and realized that yes, sometimes, some of us undermine each other but we often, we also are the loving, nurturing and caring people we think we are.

I loved the graphic illustration Christiane Northrup uses, of the compliments we give each other being like the placenta, to nourish and support other women.

I had an experience like this today. I was at the doctors surgery getting some results and feeling a little fragile when I walked up to the reception I was greeted with another patient exclaiming "I LOVE your dress! It is just gorgeous." I had never seen this woman before and the compliment left me feeling ten feet tall and bullet proof.

You see I haven't worn a dress out of the house for about 15 years. I had got so comfortable in jeans that dresses stopped being part of my routine. Until this summer, when I found a dress in my colors, that I loved. I have worn it around home but not out and about and when the trip to the doctors came up I had planned on changing into jeans but decided "what the hell, its just a quick trip.So that one compliment has boosted my self esteem no end.

Did that woman know what it meant to me? No. Was she just in the moment and voicing her opinion? Yes, and I am so glad she did.

Next time you are out shopping or going about your day and see someone looking gorgeous, or doing something extra nice or if their smile brightens your day, make sure to let them know and lets reclaim the meaning of sisterhood, lets empower and build each other up, one person at a time.


What do you think, are women too hard on other women? Leave a comment below or share your stories of women being nice to you

Love your body - it's where you LIVE!

Do you remember the story of Peter Pan? Whenever a child said they didn't believe in fairies a fairy would die.

I believe the same thing happens to us. Every time we say how much we hate a part of our bodies a small part of us dies, on the inside.

It is a constant, negative spiral of self hate. all around me I see the most gorgeous women and they say to me "Oh I couldn't be naked in front of my husband" or "I hate my thighs" or "If I just lost 10 pounds I would be happy"

Did you feel it? Did you feel the negative impact of that inside your body?

I did.

 It is like a slow, imperceptible wilting. A withering of that internal flame that is your self confidence.Slowly but surely it becomes dimmer and dimmer until one day it is snuffed out altogether and all you are left with is self loathing.

Not pretty.

Now we blame the media, and it sure does have a lot to answer for, but it's also our internal dialogue that is doing the damage. Every cell in your body ( and there is over a trillion of them!) is listening to every thought that you think, every word that you say and  sees every negative look that you give yourself in the mirror.


You are your own worst enemy and it is time to STOP!

Start loving yourself from the inside out NOW! Not when you lose weight or start exercising or give up smoking or can fit into those perfect jeans. NOW!

Because now is when your life is happening. Now is when you get to make the memories. Now is all that you have.

Do you really want to waste your one precious life ( ok if you believe in reincarnation you might have more who knows?)  WAITING?

When I was younger and skinnier I was a complete bitch ( I know ! Hard to believe right? ) I would sneer at fat people on the beach and wonder who they thought they were wearing bathing costumes and swimming ( I cringe now but I was young and vain and shallow. Oh and also not at all happy with my own body) so when I became fat ( or voluptuous as I prefer to call it) there was no way I would be caught dead in a bathing suit at the beach. Instead I gave up swimming. And I LOVED swimming ( well splashing about really)

Who did that hurt? Yup only me. Because ( wait for it, this is the newsflash!) NOBODY ELSE CARES WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE! (Read that again . Take as many times as you like . I'll wait). When this finally sunk into my brain, I bought myself a swimsuit and started swimming again. I didn't realise quite how much I had missed it and now I just think about all the long, hot summers I sat watching everyone else swim. Not any more!

They are too busy worrying about there own lumps and bumps and perceived imperfections to worry about how you look!! ( I KNOW! I can hear your mind being blown from here)

So whatever thing it is that you have been putting off doing until the magic day came when you were finally the right size, the right shape and all parts of you looked exactly like one of those gorgeous  (fake, photo shopped, plastic surgery enhanced ) models ( who are starving and long for nothing more than a decent meal) GO DO IT!

If you are worried about being naked in front of your husband please just realise he LOVES you, all of you, the wrinkles, the bumps, the stretchmarks that you got from birthing his children, the saggy boobs (see the last phrase), the cellulite and because love is blind , he doesn't even really notice them. When you show up naked for him he is delighted because he gets to see all of you and touch you and lick you and grope you and he LOVES it!

If you are newly, back in the dating game and worried about all of the above and how men will look at you  I SWEAR, hand on my heart, by the time you get naked with a guy all he is thinking is "Naked woman in my bed, I am so getting laid tonight"and that's it!!!

Get comfy with your bod, it's where you live. I bet you are far more understanding of your BFF's flaws than you are of your own so become your own best friend. Next time you look in the mirror talk to your reflection like you are your best friend.
A while ago I wrote on my mirror with lipstick "Good morning gorgeous! I love you". Waking up to that everyday helps me feel good about myself . I also give thanks for all my body does for me , every day.
Try it for yourself and see how much better you feel.






If you would like help getting comfortable in your own skin, or developing a better relationship with yourself or would like to deepen your existing relationship with your partner click here