Flex your Intimacy Muscle

It can happen to anyone. One minute your relationship is coasting along just nicely; you feel connected on all levels, you feel like your partner is the best in the whole world, the sex is awesome and life couldn't be better. Next thing you know the wheels have completely fallen off; you are constantly arguing, nothing your partner does is right, you don't know why you got married in the first place and you are wondering what the hell happened.

It doesn't matter if you have been together for 5 months, 5 years or fifty years (ok after fifty years I'm pretty sure you will have this stuff sussed)

How do we go from being all loved up one minute to barely being able to stand being in the same room the next?

It is quite simple really.

We take each other for granted. We stop noticing all the little things that our partner does for us each day. Instead we focus on all the annoying little habits; they left the toilet seat up ... again, they squeezed the toothpaste in the middle instead of from the bottom, they left their wet towel on the floor or they didn't take the garbage out.

My pet peeve with my husband is he hangs his wet towel over the shower instead of on the towel rail. And do you know what I do about it? Nothing.

Why because in the words of Wayne Dyer "You can be right or you can be happy."

Most of us choose to be right, which doesn't make for a happy home life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to give your partner a free pass all the time. I am saying let's focus more on the good things and let some of the small stuff go.

It is a slippery slope when we focus on all the petty irritations in life; the more we look for them the more we will find.

Conversely the more we focus on the good things the more we see of those too; he texts us when he's going to be late, she cooks our favorite meal and has it waiting for us, he helps you pick in the laundry when its raining, he stacks the dishwasher after dinner, he kisses us and tell us how beautiful we are when he gets home from work.

Small gestures = big rewards

It is the little things that happen every day that lead us towards a deeper intimacy .... or away from it. There is a lovely story about the day a husband forgot to kiss his wife before he left for the day
( Please note I realize not all husbands go out to work and not all wives stay home. As a woman who works from home this is my reality. If it isn't yours just substitute whatever works for you).

Meanwhile back at the story: Hubby leaves the house without kissing his wife, she gets grumpy and snaps at her child , child gets grumpy and  snatches a toy from the toddler, toddler gets grumpy and pulls the cats tail. All for the sake of one ten second smooch.

It is so ingrained in my husband that he kiss me when he leaves and when he gets homes  that on the
(odd) time when he forgets he will ring me as soon as he gets to work because he felt something was off shortly after getting in the car. He even makes a point of kissing me if I am still asleep.

Intimacy is waaaaaayyyyy more than just sex

In fact intimacy starts well before you even get to the bedroom. Intimacy is all those little gestures I was talking about; the kiss before you leave for the day and when you reunite,  random hugs, affectionate strokes as you pass by, texts during the day or , better yet, actual phone calls just to say "hi". All these small gestures let he other person know that you are thinking of them and so the intimacy grows.

Intimacy is sharing all your doubts and fears and feeling that you will be heard and not judged. Creating a safe space for each other to be open and vulnerable will not only grow and develop your intimacy but will also forge a strong bond between the two of, an "us against the world" united front of security and bonding.

Intimacy is something that you have to work at, it is a muscle that requires constant use or it will become flabby and out of shape. Not a great shape for any muscle to be in.

"I don't have time"

Really? You don't have time for a peck on the cheek? Or the time to send a text saying "I love you and miss you xx".  What about the time to snuggle with your partner as you watch a favorite show together ( or, if you are determined to build more intimacy, to snuggle while watching a program he loves  -even if its not a fave of yours)? 

None of these things take much effort but the increase in bonding will be, as they say in the Mastercard ad, PRICELESS.



Want more tips?
Then check out my other blog post  How to fall in love with your partner, madly, passionately, deeply

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Touch a, touch a, touch me!

 We all need to be touched.

We yearn for it .

We ache for it.

And some of us go to great lengths to get it. Touch, that is.

The name of this blog post is from  The Rocky Horror Picture show Youtube clip.

If you have never seen it go and check it out. The link above is to one of my favorite songs from the show.


However, some of us seem to be under the impression that when men touch it is purely as a prelude to sex or sex related. Consequently a lot of women withdraw or refrain from touching the men in their lives as they don't want to encourage sexual advances.

As women, we have the luxury ( yes, it is a luxury and don't you forget it!) of regular human contact . If we are single we will get hugs from our girlfriends ( and if you are one of my girlfriends you will soon realize that you will get hugged..... a lot!).

We hug.

We rub each others arms.

We put our hands around each others shoulders.

We just reach out and touch each others arms or hands

Hell, I have even been known to walk arm in arm with my BFF's ( yes, I have more than one) when strolling down the street.

Now pause for just a moment and think about any males you may know and ask yourself when was the last time you gave them a hug or a pat on the back or nay other form of affectionate touching. Then ask yourself when did they get that from one of their male friends . The answer is, probably never.

Because it would be considered , well, a bit "gay". And therein lies the problem. Men touching each other is frowned upon. It is seen as  too girly or poofterish ( yeah, I'm not politically correct. Deal with it)

Men on the sports field however will touch and hug and generally release all of their touchy feelings while at the same time being as butch as you like.

But if your man is not a sportsman he isn't getting that kind of interaction. So the touching is, literally, all in your hands

And they need it just as much as we do.

Some of them need it more. They are crying out to be touched, to be held.

Why?


Because it is a basic human need.

 Like breathing.

It is one of the first ways that we start to connect to the world. We, hopefully, are laid on the bare skin f our mother, nurtured and cradled, moments after leaving the womb. It is this connection, this touch that we yearn and crave for all our lives.

When I was a young girl of 11 I would hug my father good night, usually I would sit in his lap. Innocent, natural. But then one day Dad decided that I was now "too old"to sit in his lap. This was the only affection I received from my father on a daily basis and just like that, it stopped.

I was devastated. I couldn't understand why he was rejecting me , because that is what it felt like. What had I done wrong?

Grow up.
 That was the mistake I had made. I was developing breasts round about then so that made me "too old" for affection.

Guess what?

We do this even younger to our boys.

When they are born we cuddle and nuzzle them. As toddlers we hold their hands and stroke their hair and cuddle them. Then, at some point, and it's different in every family, we start being told  by other males or family members to "stop babying him"  or some such nonsense. Sometimes the boys themselves will resist the hugs you give them but deep, deep inside they still want it . They have just learnt that thy have to be tough or brave or manly ( or a long list of stupid words)

The sad thing is, at whatever age it happens, we stop touching them. Whether they are in their early teens or late teens or at some stage before that we just stop.

And the tragedy of it all is this is when they need it most.

I have spoken before about how to raise gorgeous boys and the importance of touch  and sadly, I will probably talk about it again and again until we get the message. Men need to be touched. We all do. It is part of being human.

I have recently met a beautiful woman whose job is all based around touch and you can connect with her here

Love is all there is

I was going to write today about all the things I have learned from watching Breaking Bad but got sidetracked reading several great articles which all had one thing in common, LOVE.

AMC's Breaking Bad

Which isn't that far removed from Walter White, his motivation, at the beginning was love of his family. He just carried away ( to put it mildly).

The problem with Walt was  he had become disillusioned with life. He had fallen out of love with himself a long time ago - back when his partners in Grey Matter bought him out.


And that can happen to all of us.

We can start to just coast through our lives, taking our jobs, our partners and family for granted

Until something shakes us out of it and generally it is something BIG.

Divorce

Cancer

Death

Oh, the list can go on and on. And then we are left with regret, all the things that we wish we had said or done differently . The biggest of these is wishing that we had told the people that matter just how much we love them.

Because, ultimately love is all that matters. To love and be loved is what we all want.

If you have been following my blog you may have read Raising Gorgeous Boys or Tender Touch. You may also know that I come from a troubled background Things I've learned about domestic violence so my life has not been all smiles, hugs and "I love you's"

I no longer connect with most of my FOO ( family of origin) and when I di have contact with them I told them how much I loved them and how grateful I was for who they were and how they fit into my life. Sadly this wasn't enough for them and I am now only welcome if I deny what happened in my past  and I will not keep secrets any longer.

Does this mean I don't love my parents ? No. It means I love them from afar because I love myself more and I'm ok with that. ( slowly. It is a day to day thing. Some days are great others are hard but it is all getting easier)

The love that I have in my life now is awesome and gets better and richer and deeper with every passing day. As good love should.

Love that comes with conditions or secrets is tainted love at best and generally comes from those who have sealed off too much of themselves. They are wounded and hurting and so hurt others in return because they just don't know any better.

Cracking yourself open, being vulnerable, loving with your whole heart is risky. You will get bruised and battered but the rewards are beyond belief when you find that love returned to you by one who has had the courage to do the same.

and after all love really, is all you need.

How to make your bedroom into a sensuous sanctuary

Imagine looking at your bedroom as if you have never seen it before ( or go check it out now, I'll wait). Does it look or feel sexy to you? Or have you turned your bedroom into just another ordinary room in the house?

Waaayy back when I did feng shui for clients I was often amazed at the myriad of things that were in bedrooms that had no right to be in there.

One client in particular was a single male who was longing for some more intimacy and / or a relationship in his life His whole house was anything but a cosy haven to relax in. He had exercise equipment in most rooms, bikes leaning against the wall in the lounge, printers and computers in his bedroom and even a filing cabinet! But the absolute clincher was the picture of the lone wolf above his bed.

Not sexy.

Not sensuous.

So back to your bedroom, what do you have in there that shouldn't be?

Here's a list of things to look out for

(1) pictures of your kids or parents or family in general. This is often a shocker for people but think about it for a minute, this is your most intimate and private space do you really want to invite in those people into that space? There are plenty of other rooms in your house for those pictures to go so ship them out.

(2) anything work related. Again this is your haven of rest, relaxation and intimacy so out it goes.

(3) a television. My husband is always wanting to put one in our room and I keep telling him   we would never leave the room if that thing was in there too! Far too many people fall asleep with their television going in the bedroom. Why? Because they lie down and the body knows this room and space is for sleeping so it does just that. Not sexy.

So what should be in there?

We have this in our bedroom.

(1) Pictures of you as a couple. Or any other images that speak of romance and sensuality.

(2) Scented candles. We are very sensory creatures and smell is one of the most important when it comes to all things to do with intimacy. Find a smell that you love and it will become your signature scent for sparking all things sexy. It goes without saying that you both have to like it.

Another thing to do is burn your own special blend of essential oils. Check out Aromantics by Valerie Ann Worwood for some ideas.

(3) Soft lighting. 

Now I'm all for leaving the lights on but . let's face it, nobody feels romantic with harsh lighting.

Candles are great ( see 2 above) or you can try a Himalayan salt lamp which is what we have in our room.
They give off a beautiful warm light and purify the air at the same time so that's got to be good right?

(4) Needless to say your bed and bedding should be the absolute best you can afford.

We upgraded to a super kingsize bed earlier this year - best decision ever!

I absolutely adore Egyptian cotton sheets as they feel so silky smooth to slip between so we are gradually upgrading all our sheets to these. It has just turned into Spring in NZ so off with the Egyptian cotton flannelette  sheets and on with the plain cotton ones -delicious.

It also means all the bedding has been hung out in the sun for a good airing and the pillows have been through the dryer to make them nice and fluffy. This gives us the added bonus of that delicious fresh air smell on all our bedding - love it.

(5) Coconut oil* or other massage oils/lube. I am a great fan of coconut oil and we use it all the time for many, many things not least of which is part of our intimate life.

Sensuality is about engaging all of your senses and there is nothing nicer than stroking your partner all over with some slippery oils. Yum.

(6) A sound system so you can listen to your favorite seduction music .

(7) Nice thick curtains to shut out the world.

We don't have this at our place as we are lucky enough to live on our own little patch of paradise with no near neighbors. Most nights we sleep with the ranch-slider open to feel the fresh air and watch the stars. Heavenly.

So just to recap we have cleared out all the non essentials and added in something for all our senses; sight (pics), sound ( stereo), smell ( candles, essential oils, massage oils), touch ( massage oils, soft, sexy bedding) and taste ( hmm tricky but coconut oils got you covered in more ways than one).

What is the first step you will take to create a more sensual bedroom? Leave me a comment below.

Follow me on Facebook  for info on my upcoming "How to be a Sex Goddess" workshop

* Coconut oil will perish latex so use another form of lube if using condoms.

Self Care

Today has been one of those days.

I got up nice and early and headed to the computer to check out a few things and before I knew it  it was 1:30 in the afternoon and I still wasn't dressed.

I had however updated my facebook page, answered emails, done two meditations after listening to some inspirational speakers on the Hay House Summit, eaten breakfast and read several articles relating to social media and how to maximize it for my business.

What I hadn't done was take the time to fully care for my self.

I had been solely focused on my business.

I hadn't taken the time to shower and dress which is a morning ritual. I have my vision board on the outside of my glass shower to focus my mind on all my goals, personal and business.

I hadn't taken the time over breakfast to think about what I would write in my gratitude journal so that hadn't been done either.

I hadn't taken the time to do reiki on myself before I even got out of bed.

I had walked outside and fed our chickens and spent a few moments connecting with nature.

I had picked some mandarins off our trees to have with my breakfast.

But suddenly it was 1:30 and the day seemed to have slipped away from me. I know that my rituals  help to focus me and feed a deeper connection to Spirit that I need for my work to flow smoothly . I also know that this is not the end of the world and that tomorrow is a brand new day for me to embark on.

I also know that self care is vital  for mental, emotional and spiritual wellbeing. So tonight I will be running a bath and taking a long, deep soak with Epsom salts to ease the tension that always seems to end up in my shoulders. I will bring out my gratitude journal and write about all the great things that have happened today and all the mundane, simple things for which I am eternally grateful. I will spend some time connecting with my darling husband for her grounds me and gets me out of my head like no-one else can.

And as I drift off to sleep tonight I will give myself some reiki and do some EFT to clear up any negative energy patterns that I may be berating myself with.


Do you have any rituals that you do daily? What helps keeping you on track?
Leave a comment below.

Sex 101

I love sex.

I read about sex........ all the time.

Sex fascinates me and is my drug of choice. Having a bad day? Sex will cheer you up. Having a great day? Sex will make it better.

I've been studying it for , well, forever. Obviously when I was preteen it was not on the agenda but once I hit my teens ( and could get my hands on anything sex related) I read about it.

Now, lets just be clear; I was not overly promiscuous, no, I was a good Catholic girl but it still fascinated me. I had my first sexual encounter at 16 with a 26 year old. I had always know that I wanted an older guy to do the deed as I had already had enough of young boy fumblings. To say that I was disappointed would be a gross understatement but I had yet to achieve orgasm so its hardly a surprise.

So I am constantly surprised that with all the information that we have at our fingertips how little people know about sex.

I just spent  half an hour on the phone with a client who is  in his 30's explaining the ins and outs ( pun intended) of sex with an older woman. He was desperate to please her but really had little knowledge of how a womans body works, let alone an older woman.

The biggest thing we all seem to forget is that the brain is the biggest, most reliable and most under used sex organ that we have. If you stimulate the brain enough all sorts of magical things can and do happen. Communication, or lack of it, is the biggest mistake that we make when it comes to sex. We seem to think that the other person, if they truly loved us, would know what to do; how to stroke us, where to stroke us, which areas light us up and which ones do absolutely nothing for us.

But love ( or lust) does not automatically make us a mind reader and unfortunately most of us are too shy, too scared of seeming pervy, too inhibited, too frustrated or too hurt from past relationships to open our mouths and say exactly what it is that (a) we want or (b) we like. And yet that is the only way that our partner can know what to do.

We have been taught by the media that sex looks a certain way and that all sorts of bells and whistles go off without much effort when in actual fact only about 20% of woman achieve orgasm through penetration alone. Most woman will need digital or oral stimulation to achieve the orgasms that seem so effortless on our screens.

Lubrication is often an issue but you never see it used in movies or porn. In fact I read a story of a  teenage girl being accused of being "disgusting"by her ( soon to be ex) boyfriend because she was too wet. He had been "educated"by porn and didn't realise that  girls get wet when aroused and found it "repulsive". I feel quite sorry for him and her. She now has hang ups about a perfectly natural function of her body.
But this is what happens when we give our kids no information and they  "educate"themselves with porn which is easily accessible via the internet.

Yes, we have basic information of the what-goes -where type when it comes to sex education but there is never any talk of intimacy or trust  or emotional connection. There is no discussion of exploring each others bodies and of exploring your sexuality. No, because that would encourage promiscuity and if we are truly honest with ourselves, makes parents, teacher and teenagers alike a tad uncomfortable.

I remember talking about sex with my own sons and how cringey they found it but I explained it to them this way "I am your mother. It is my job to keep you safe so this is information that you need to keep you safe." I also ensured that sex books that I had were not hidden away but openly displayed on our bookshelf so that had all the information that they needed without having to talk to me.

So what  questions do you have about sex? What information do you wish that you had or would you like covered in a coming blog? Leave me a comment here on on my facebook page here.

What the hell is normal anyway?

See that couple over there? He  likes to be spanked and she loves to spank him.
That nice, quiet couple down the road? They are actually swingers and regularly  throw sex parties.

I do not know these people but hey they could have a really interesting sex life!

That happy family? He is a closet gay and she is having an affair.

The fact of the matter is none of us knows what goes on behind closed doors and that is probably a good thing. But we are all inherently curious as to just what is a "normal"sex life and whether ours makes the grade.

The answer is really quite simple; are you and your partner satisfied? Are you both, genuinely, content with how often you make love, the positions and the variety of your sex life? Because if you aren't then something needs to change.

And if you are unhappy but not sharing that with your partner?

 That is a recipe for disaster.

Open, clear communication is the most magical of ingredients for a truly great relationship. Because chances are you are not always going to be on the same page, sexually.

She might be going through a phase of rampant horniness ( yes, it does happen!) just when he is stressed out about work, his parents, the economy and the last thing he is thinking about is sex ( yes, it does happen!)

See, we are conditioned to believe that men only think of sex ( apparently every 4 seconds according to some studies) and women aren't interested. In actual fact, women want it just as much as men, it's just that different things get us horny and also we are easily distracted by things like the laundry not being done, or Jimmy's school play or or never ending to do list or, well I'm sure you get the idea.

It is time for us to break the stereotypes portrayed by television sitcoms and look at what is happening in our lives. It is time to realize that men aren't constantly thinking about it and women think about it more than we let on.

It is time to speak up if we want more foreplay and describe, in detail  ( yes, you have to use the words), what it is we want. Men are not mind readers and good sex only becomes great sex if you can let each other know what it is you like and want.

The bedroom is not a place to be shy. You are naked ( you are naked aren't you?)  ( Ok, I know some of you have body hangups but please get naked in your bedroom and let your partner see you. Yes, I know some of you have problems with that too but seriously this is the person who LOVES you, get naked with them!Its FUN!!) and now is the time to be all grown up and say the words  "I would like you to lick me/ stroke my clitoris/ suck my nipples/ bite my left earlobe/spank me".

Because if you don't say them it will not magically happen. Your partner cannot read your mind. so if you want something to change - TELL THEM! Or you will be stuck having the same mediocre sex for the rest of your life together ( did you just shudder? I did.)

The trouble is that we all live in fear of people thinking we are kinky. What some might consider kinky, others consider normal. When it comes to consensual sex between adults and as long as you are both happy to experiment then by all means go wild.

Sex is supposed to be fun and if you aren't having fun then you are doing it wrong.

Sure we all get it ruts from time to time but it just takes one partner to suggest something different for a whole lot of new fun to emerge. And we want our sex lives to keep growing and evolving , right? I thought so.

Love your body - it's where you LIVE!

Do you remember the story of Peter Pan? Whenever a child said they didn't believe in fairies a fairy would die.

I believe the same thing happens to us. Every time we say how much we hate a part of our bodies a small part of us dies, on the inside.

It is a constant, negative spiral of self hate. all around me I see the most gorgeous women and they say to me "Oh I couldn't be naked in front of my husband" or "I hate my thighs" or "If I just lost 10 pounds I would be happy"

Did you feel it? Did you feel the negative impact of that inside your body?

I did.

 It is like a slow, imperceptible wilting. A withering of that internal flame that is your self confidence.Slowly but surely it becomes dimmer and dimmer until one day it is snuffed out altogether and all you are left with is self loathing.

Not pretty.

Now we blame the media, and it sure does have a lot to answer for, but it's also our internal dialogue that is doing the damage. Every cell in your body ( and there is over a trillion of them!) is listening to every thought that you think, every word that you say and  sees every negative look that you give yourself in the mirror.


You are your own worst enemy and it is time to STOP!

Start loving yourself from the inside out NOW! Not when you lose weight or start exercising or give up smoking or can fit into those perfect jeans. NOW!

Because now is when your life is happening. Now is when you get to make the memories. Now is all that you have.

Do you really want to waste your one precious life ( ok if you believe in reincarnation you might have more who knows?)  WAITING?

When I was younger and skinnier I was a complete bitch ( I know ! Hard to believe right? ) I would sneer at fat people on the beach and wonder who they thought they were wearing bathing costumes and swimming ( I cringe now but I was young and vain and shallow. Oh and also not at all happy with my own body) so when I became fat ( or voluptuous as I prefer to call it) there was no way I would be caught dead in a bathing suit at the beach. Instead I gave up swimming. And I LOVED swimming ( well splashing about really)

Who did that hurt? Yup only me. Because ( wait for it, this is the newsflash!) NOBODY ELSE CARES WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE! (Read that again . Take as many times as you like . I'll wait). When this finally sunk into my brain, I bought myself a swimsuit and started swimming again. I didn't realise quite how much I had missed it and now I just think about all the long, hot summers I sat watching everyone else swim. Not any more!

They are too busy worrying about there own lumps and bumps and perceived imperfections to worry about how you look!! ( I KNOW! I can hear your mind being blown from here)

So whatever thing it is that you have been putting off doing until the magic day came when you were finally the right size, the right shape and all parts of you looked exactly like one of those gorgeous  (fake, photo shopped, plastic surgery enhanced ) models ( who are starving and long for nothing more than a decent meal) GO DO IT!

If you are worried about being naked in front of your husband please just realise he LOVES you, all of you, the wrinkles, the bumps, the stretchmarks that you got from birthing his children, the saggy boobs (see the last phrase), the cellulite and because love is blind , he doesn't even really notice them. When you show up naked for him he is delighted because he gets to see all of you and touch you and lick you and grope you and he LOVES it!

If you are newly, back in the dating game and worried about all of the above and how men will look at you  I SWEAR, hand on my heart, by the time you get naked with a guy all he is thinking is "Naked woman in my bed, I am so getting laid tonight"and that's it!!!

Get comfy with your bod, it's where you live. I bet you are far more understanding of your BFF's flaws than you are of your own so become your own best friend. Next time you look in the mirror talk to your reflection like you are your best friend.
A while ago I wrote on my mirror with lipstick "Good morning gorgeous! I love you". Waking up to that everyday helps me feel good about myself . I also give thanks for all my body does for me , every day.
Try it for yourself and see how much better you feel.






If you would like help getting comfortable in your own skin, or developing a better relationship with yourself or would like to deepen your existing relationship with your partner click here

It's not polite

My mother is a proper Englishwoman. I learnt very early on that there are some things that you just don't do.

 You never ask a woman her age. You never discuss religion, politics or money. And as far as sex goes you lie back and think of England.

Photo thanks to http://www.2cuk.co.uk/uk-flag/

Nice girls don't enjoy sex.
That was the message I got loud and clear as I was growing up.
Sex is dirty and distasteful. Something to be endured not enjoyed.

When I was 25 I was married with two children and was visiting my parents when my mother commented that I was too old to be wearing a mini skirt.   My eldest sister was also wearing one which I pointed out but that was ok because she was single. You see I wasn't too old I was just "off the market" so I didn't need to dress sexy any more.
Hmmm , so not only do good girls not enjoy sex they aren't allowed to dress sexy either.

Photo from Mamamia.com.au

Now I know I'm not the only one getting that message.

 In fact most  people are raised with the same guidelines. We fear telling our kids that sex is fun and enjoyable in case they race out and become promiscuous.  Sadly what we end up doing us giving them conflicting messages around sex and sexuality which leaves them confused and sexually repressed.

On the one hand we use sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars, children's toys are more and more sexualised ( hello Bratz dolls!), you can buy push bras for girls before their bodies are even contemplating growing breasts, music videos stop just short of full in nudity and yet at the same time kids are getting the message that sex is bad and only nasty, cheap girls are interested in it. What is wrong with this picture?? Quite a lot actually!!

The important thing to show our kids is that touching; hugging, kissing and general affection, are a normal part of an adult relationship. That their parents being affectionate and snugly with each other is not something to be hidden or kept behind closed doors. Yes, they will get to an age where they will be grossed out. Guess what? That is a normal part of growing up but what you are teaching them is invaluable. 

Sex is a normal, healthy part of a relationship so lets stop giving our kids the impression that it is something that should be hidden. It is when it becomes hidden that problems arise. It is when it is hidden and deemed dirty that kids feel conflicted about the urges that start moving through their body as a normal part of growing up. It is when it is hidden that children feel that they cannot discuss it with their parents and they don't know what to do so they turn to their friends for the information that they so desperately need.

Talk to your kids, be affectionate with them all the way through their growing years. Don't just stop because they reach a certain age, that is when they need you more than ever and sometimes a hug from their parents is just what they need. Let them see you being affectionate with your partner so they know that its acceptable to want to touch and hug people that you care for.
Keeping all the channels of communication open, even touch, makes the transition through puberty easier. trust me I've been on the other side where touch and sex were taboo and it wasn't fun.

Uh oh! Menopause

Menopause. The one word that is likely to strike fear into any women of a certain age.

Society has been telling us that youth is where its at, that only the young are beautiful. So we have been trying to turn back time ( who sang a little Cher when they read that? yeah , me too!). Exercising our butts off, slathering on the latest anti wrinkle cream and eating anti aging foods.

But then menopause leapt out of the ethers and descended upon us. For some this means  night sweats, hot flashes, vaginal dryness and painful intercourse. If you read the popular magazines they imply that it is the majority of women that go through all these painful symptoms but that is not the case. Yes, some women do experience them but not the majority. some women may have some of these symptoms for a short while and some may breeze through it with barely a hot flash.

I am lucky enough to be in the latter group but I have been preparing for menopause since I was in my thirties. Why? well, because none of that sounded pleasant and I wanted to enjoy the freedom of finally having no periods to deal with.

I started by taking Maca and it has become my best friend throughout the whole experience. I also drink lots of water every day and eat a diet full of fruit and vegetables and low on processed foods. The biggest step though has been learning to love myself and that has been the hardest journey and the most rewarding.
I also avoid xenoestrogens by not storing food in plastic or microwaving foods in plastic

First, lets talk about Maca. It is a cruciferous vegetable, grown in South America that  helps balance the hormones in males and females. It also helps boost your energy levels, increases stamina, supports the adrenals and supplies your body with all the B group vitamins and a host of other vitamins and minerals. Did I mention it boost your libido too? You can take it either in powder form or in tablets. I prefer the powder so I can regulate my own dose and add it to smoothies. ( in the next issue of my newsletter I will give you some delicious ways to add it to your diet - go sign up now!).

Secondly, drink lots of water........ and then go drink some more! Did you know dehydration plays a large part in lack of lubrication? Well now you do  - go have a drink now. Seriously! I'll wait......... there now doesn't that feel better?

Lubrication can become an issue during menopause and if you don't believe its a problem just try going down a slide ..... naked.! Yup, not comfy at all! So you are drinking plenty of water and taking your maca and things are still a little ... dry? What next? Drum roll please.... try the Kegelmaster.

Kegelmaster

Now when I was about 15 I learnt about doing my pelvic floor exercises and then promptly forgot about them again until after baby number 1. Kegels are vital for keeping a good blood flow to the whole vaginal region and blood flow equals increased libido ( ask any man if you don't believe me) and increased lubrication. Trouble is most of us have been doing them wrong.
 ( Hands up if you clench you buttocks or tighten your thighs? Wrong!!!).
This nifty little gadget allows you to tighten against it so that you are exercising the muscles in the right way . You also get to add differing levels of resistance as your muscles gt strengthened.

If all else fails then using a lubricant like coconut oil can add to the fun. I use coconut oil because I know whats in it and I don't want any chemical nasties in my delicate areas plus it works as a great overall massage oil to add more sensory delights to the process. Coconut oil is also antibacterial, anti fungal and shhhhh , tastes good too! Win win win! The only down side is you can't use it with latex rubber.


Lastly, loving yourself is the best gift you can give you. No, you are never going to be young again but you have wisdom and beauty far beyond mere looks and now is the time to fully embrace them.

The Big O

Lets talk about orgasms.


Women regularly fake orgasms.

I've never personally understood this phenomenon.

To me if your partner is not taking the time to stimulate you properly  then it is your job to show him or teach him how to do the job properly. Faking it robs you both of the sensual pleasures of love making. Stop it at once!

If you watch any love scene in the movies  ( or porn....especially porn!), you are under the false impression that women will ( a) orgasm at the drop of the hat (b) orgasm through penetration only.

This is true - for a very small minority of the population. A mere 20 % of women can be brought to orgasm through penetration alone.

Twenty per cent!!

 That is not a significant number  but if you happen to be one of the lucky ones - congratulations. The fabulous Jill Hamilton of In Bed with married Women wrote an awesome blog on the "science"  of orgasms and you can read it here

There have been articles written about the G spot and whether or not it exists ( read it  here )

We are told that there are three types of orgasm; clitoral, vaginal and blended (read it here)  or according to other articles I have read anything from 7 to 9 differing types of orgasm.

 Are you starting to feel the pressure? Do you feel you could be missing out?

If you are spending time faking orgasms so as to ( a) not disappoint your partner, (b) make him hurry up and finish already or (c) just because then yes, you are definitely missing out. And guess what? So is your partner!

If you are regularly having orgasms, any kid of orgasm  then congratulations!

Here are ten good reasons to increase the number of orgasms that you are having  and if that's not enough inspiration for you consider this: The more sex you have the more your body wants it and the sexier you feel inside and out. As we age our sex drive can diminish and sex keeps everything in working order.

For females, as we go through menopause, our vagina's can suffer from dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls. The best remedy for this is regular sex. This will keep a good blood supply to the vaginal area thereby assisting with lubrication and thinning. The worst thing to do is to stop having sex! Once that happens the symptoms get worse which leads to the catch 22 of not wanting sex due to lack of lubrication because you are not having sex.

For males, as you age your erections become less firm and the refractory time between them becomes longer. Guess what? The less sex you are having the less firm your erections will become and the lower your sex drive.

Use it or lose it is a very real statement when it comes to sex and desire.

Raising gorgeous boys

  I am a mother of three sons.

I am a step mother to four daughters.

I am a grandmother to seven grandsons and two grand daughters

It hurts my heart to know how many boys suffer from depression during there teenage years. Sadly, many of them go on to commit suicide.

Some use drinking and driving as a means of shortening their lives. Others use drugs or huffing. Some find the pain of being alive so unbearable that they take extreme measures to end their lives.


One of the greatest gifts we can give our sons is our time.

One of my sons suffered through a bout of depression and I would often just go and sit in his room, not talking, not trying to get him to talk. Just allowing the space for him to talk if he chose too but content either way to just be with him and for him to be with me.

I have always made it a practise to hug my sons and tell them how much I love them, regardless of their age, or how uncool it was and,bless them  they always hugged me back and said "I love you too Mum." even when it was not cool.

Sadly, some parents stop hugging their kids when they reach a certain age.

I remember clearly when my father stopped hugging me. Every night I went and sat on my Dads lap and gave him a hug and a kiss good night. When I was around 11 he picked me up off his lap and told me I was too big for that now. I was devastated and refused to even kiss him goodnight for days.

I realise now that I was probably starting to develop breasts and he felt it inappropriate to have me on his lap. How sad. I was his daughter and he was the only means of male affection in my life. It is never inappropriate to hug your kids or show them affection.

Yes, some people are sick and twisted and inappropriate with their kids. Most are not. Don't refrain from hugging or being affectionate with your children in fear that "someone" will misconstrue it. that is political correctness gone mad and has no place in your home.

Our kids look to us to learn how to be in a relationship. They look to us to learn how to express emotions. They look to us for support and nurturing throughout their lives and our job is to let them know that they are loved, unconditionally regardless of the choices they make or the lifestyles they pursue. They need to know that we are proud of them, of who they have become.

We say that we want our men to be different in this world. That we want them to be more in touch with their softer side, more open and vulnerable with us. We say we want them to be strong and virile and yet soft and gentle.
                                                                    
                                                                                         It starts by raising gorgeous boys, by allowing them to cry, by teaching them the names for their emotions and allowing them to express them all. It starts by hugging our children all the way through their lives and telling them repeatedly how much we love them.

My son came out of his depression and is living a great life and I still tell him how much he means to me when he rings home or when I see him. I do this with all of my sons and daughters. I am so proud of them all and the lives that they are leading and yes, I tell them that too.

Who do you need to reach out to and hug? Who would love to hear you say "I love you" ?

For the world to be the delicious, loving place that we dream of we need to start reaching out and saying those magic words and hugging each other. So get to it! Go hug someone now!!

Losing my libido!

We've all had times when our sex drive seems to have disappeared over the horizon never to be seen again.

Our sex drive is like the ocean. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes you and your darling are going at it like rabbits and then , for some inexplicable reason, something changes and days go by with barely a flicker of lust in either of you.


Unfortunately for some people  the drought never seems to break and before they know it, weeks, months and even years have slipped by.

What can you do to bring some life back into your sex life?

How do you reboot your libido?

First of all realise it happens to everyone, every now and then

Secondly realise that its not the end of the world and know that the fact you have noticed means that there must be some spark still there.

Thirdly ask how you got so busy that sex became something that you just let slide? There could be deeper things happening in your relationship if it has been months or years since you connected.

So how do you keep the spark alive?

Just like anything else it takes commitment and time and effort. Consistency is the key. It is always easier to keep something going than to reboot it from scratch.

Text, call or make a small gesture EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. To show your partner how much they men to you.

Talk. Not just in generalities "Hi honey how was your day?" but "what did you learn today? " 

Listen. Really listen. Connect with your eyes and give your partner your complete attention.

Touch. Touch their hand, their butt, stroke their back as you pass by. Massage their feet. Stroke their hair.


Hubby and I just had five days away from home to go and visit our new grandson. Its a seven hour drive to where my son lives so we had lots of time to talk in the car.

As we were staying at a motel we decided to play one of our favorite games: "Talk dirty to me". The basis of this game is to drive each other to distraction during the trip so that by the time we get to our destination we are primed and ready to go!

It also gives us great memories to use for more sex  play. We can just mention a road trip or a destination and we are instantly on the same wavelength and people around us are completely oblivious of the undercurrent between us.

Relationships require maintenance, just like a car or any other machinery.  And just like a car, if you hit a rough patch, take it in for a check up with an expert here. The trouble is we have all been fed the ".... and they both lived happily ever after." line and when things get rough we assume its because the relationship is broken beyond repair or "She/he doesn't love me anymore" . In actual fact you and your partner have just got lazy, have stopped doing routine maintenance on your relationship and hoped that it would look after itself.

NEWSFLASH! Relationships require regular check ups. If you want to keep the romance alive, keep fanning the flame. Don't wait until the embers have gone cold and then wonder what happened.

What fuel can you add to your fire today?

What is one small romantic gesture that you can make to your partner that will convey "You are sexy and hot and I want to do naughty things to you?"

What are your favourite ways to keep romance alive?  Leave me a comment . I would love to hear from you.

Top Ten Tips to Improve Your Sex Life - Guaranteed Part 2

 For Him;


So now that the girls know what to do to help keep the guys interested, what can the guys do to guarantee they get more sex?
 We  know that women are a wee bit more complex than men when it comes to sex so lets look at some simple steps you can take to help her feel more in the mood and more often
(1) Notice her.
Women love it when you notice that they've had their hair done or done something different with their make up or are wearing a new outfit. You see we are doing a lot of that stuff to help keep you interested in us and if you give us a compliment it means that its working, it means that you are really paying attention to US and we like that.

The very first time I got my eyebrows shaped and tinted I thought to my self "I wonder how long it will take my darling to notice?". I was pleasantly surprised that he noticed as soon as he walked through the door. I shouldn't have been because he really LOOKS at me, not just a quick glance but  eye to eye contact and I feel it in his gaze that he loves me. That's what you want your lady to feel too.

(2) Tell her that you love her.

For no reason at all. Just tell her. You guys may be visual but girls are wordy. We need to hear the words spoken out loud. I know you are showing us everyday but we need to hear it too.

(3) Touch her.

Women need ten ( yes 10!) non sexual touches a day. Give her a hug before you leave for work and another as soon as you walk through the door. Hold hands while watching tv, stroke her back as she's passing you. It's not hard to do and we love it.  The more touching you do before we hit the bedroom the more likely we are to be in the mood when we get there.

Lets face it women are slow burners, so think of touching us as stoking the fire.

(4) The 10 second kiss.

We love kissing. If touching stokes the fire then kissing is adding even more fuel to it.

We are not talking about a swift peck on the cheek here though.

We want lip locking, tongue tangling, juicy kissing.

One great ten second kiss will make our knees weak and our hearts melt and we will be putty in your hands. And if we could have one of those  a day please, we would be very grateful, thank you very much.

(5)Gratitude.

Thank her for the dinner she just made you.

 Thank her for having your clothes clean and ready to wear tomorrow.

Thank her for running that errand for you during the day, when she probably had a million other little jobs to do.

If you thank her on a regular basis for all the little jobs she does for her it means you are not taking her for granted. When we slide into the murky waters of taking someone for granted we are often on the slippery slope of not noticing them, then comes only noticing the things they do that bother you and before you know it you are in the divorce courts wondering what the hell happened.

Make gratitude a habit and she will feel noticed, cared for and loved. Best of all she will also feel more like making love because she knows how much she means to you. Win/ Win.

(6) Call her a goddess.

The more you make her feel like she is something special the sexier she will feel.End of story.

(7) Call her gorgeous.

My husband worked next door to where I lived and before we even started going out I would see him most mornings as I went about my daily routine and whenever he saw me he would call out "Good morning gorgeous" and, just like she said in the movie "Jerry Maguire",  he had me at hello.

Most women have some issue with their body but if you tell her how beautiful she is everyday, slowly but surely she will start to feel more confident about how she looks. A confident women is a sexy women and if she knows it she will definitely let you know too.

(8) "I just called to say I love you."  ( I bet you just sang along to that didn't you?)

That's what Stevie Wonder sang in the 80's  and it still works today.

In fact you don't even need to tell her that you love her when you ring. Nope, just calling unexpectedly lets her know she was on your mind.

A sweet text will do the same thing but the sound of your voice will definitely make her melt more.

(9) Listen to her.

Look her in the eyes while she's talking to you. 

Yes, I do mean tear your eyes from the television screen and even better, put it on mute. Now she has your undivided attention. She is not necessarily looking for a solution but she does want to engage with you.

Women often complain that their men don't listen to them and it is generally because he's not paying attention while she talks. I you believe that her opinion matters then connect with her while she is talking to you.

(10) Take your time.

When we are making love don't race for the finish line. Good love making should be a marathon not a sprint.

Sprints are fine, every now and then but give us time to get in the race.  Slow and sensual is what we love the most.

All these tips have been about connecting on a daily level with your significant other. Helping them to feel cherished, loved and nurtured so that when you both step into the bedroom you are carrying that connection through into another aspect of your relationship.


What do you think ? What's your best tip to improving your sex life? I would love to hear your comments or even suggestions of what you'd like to read next.

Cosmic Kissing

Do you remember when you first started dating, back when you were a teenager?
 Kissing was the best thing in the world. The intensity of his lips touching yours sparked a cascade of sensations throughout your whole body. You could kiss each other into a mad frenzy of passion - just by kissing.

Whatever happened to that?

When did kissing just become a quick peck on the cheek or a brief touch of the lips before you both dashed off in separate directions?

When did the spark go out?


Next time you kiss your significant other take the time to really connect with their lips rather than just brushing them with yours and departing. Notice how soft your partners lips are, take a moment to breathe in their scent. Just connect lips to lips for moment of pure sensual pleasure - not as a prelude to anything else.

Trust me, if you take the time to  regularly kiss your partner things will also start to heat up on all levels of your relationship.

In fact lots has been written on the benefits of a ten second kiss everyday. Ten seconds doesn't sound like a long time .....until you try it. The idea is not to time it so much as to spend some time connecting and enjoying the moment.

There is nothing so sensual as a prolonged, tongue tangling kiss. The taste of your lovers mouth, the wetness of the mingled saliva and the softness of the lips stimulates all of your senses and calls to mind the sensations of another set of lips.

A deep, long kiss connects you on so many levels and sets off sparks of interest all over your body and before you know it you are back to feeling like a teenager again, wanting nothing more than to lose yourself in kissing your darling from head to toe.

Start adding one ten second kiss into your daily routine - with out expectation of anything more and see what changes .


Leave me a commnet and let me know what you'd like me to discuss next! Happy Kissing!

Sacred Sex Part 3

Claiming your identity as a Sex Goddess comes down to two things: (1) body confidence and (2) deciding that you are.

For me these two things were intertwined.

 I guess it really started when I left my first husband at the age of 27. I had two young kids (4 and 6 at the time) and, even though I was having an affair at the time, I still felt very self-conscious and “who would want me now”.  I was tall and slender but still felt fat. My ex-husband and I had hung out with another couple, friends of his for years, and she was dainty and petite and blonde and I felt completely ungainly and fat in comparison.

After a few months of being separated I had found a great bunch of friends who valued me for myself and not as part of a couple. One of them was a cool guy who was also a photographer and one day, out of the blue he asked if I would pose nude for him as he wanted to develop that side of his craft. Even though it made me feel sick to my stomach I said yes….. and then wondered what the hell I had got myself into.

It was one of the most liberating experiences ever. I turned up, with a bottle of wine for Dutch courage and we got started. The defining moment was when I saw his hands shaking as he set up the camera and I realised in that moment that he was just as scared as I was and so I relaxed.

At the end of the shoot I felt FABULOUS! Imagine a man spending the whole day focused totally on YOU and you will get the idea.

Jump ahead  a few years …….. and a few more!  Now I am no longer the slender girl but a voluptuous woman with 3 children of my own, 4 step daughters and ……wait for it grandchildren but still only in my 40’s. EEEk! So while off on a naughty weekend with my darling I go shopping for a gorgeous sexy bra. The woman in the lingerie shop is showing my dull, boring grandma bras UNTIL I said to her “I am a sex goddess and I want something gorgeous not Nanaish and not beige.” What possessed me I don’t know! But I left that shop with gorgeous underwear and a new sense of who I was.

I hope you are getting the idea.

NOBODY is going to come along and anoint you as a Sex Goddess. No mystical fairy with a golden wand is going to say “From this day forward you….. (Insert name here) are a Sex Goddess!” Nope it ain’t going to happen .

But you get to CLAIM it for yourself. Draw yourself up to your full height, take a deep breath in , draw your shoulders back , thrust your breasts out  and declare it: “I am a SEX GODDESS! I know what I want and I am not afraid to ask for it.”

Feel it in the very depths of your being. Keep repeating it until it resonates from within you.

Now as I said at the beginning feeling confident in your own skin is a BIG part of being a Sex Goddess. My naked photo shoot went a long way to making me feel good about myself . The next part came when my very own Gok Wan moment happened. I have a gay friend and at that time he owned a women’s boutique and held fashion shows in our town as his alter ego Crystal Chandelier.

People came from everywhere to watch his shows and the tickets sold out in days.  At least 300 people per event. You guessed it he asked me to model. Up until then all his models had ben dainty, slim women and then he asked me. By this stage I was well into being a grandma and my youngest son was 14. Again I said yes and panicked later. (Are you starting to see a pattern? Take the plunge!)

Walking down that catwalk in front of 300 people was one of the best things I’ve ever done.  My friend put me in clothes I would never have worn and I looked good. The funny thing was women much younger and slimmer came up to me afterwards and told me how brave I was for doing it as they would never have had the confidence to do it.

All those women that you are comparing yourself to? They feel just as insecure as you do!  Even Julia Roberts has parts of her body she doesn’t like. Everybody does.

But when you show up, naked in a mans bed all that is going through his mind is “I’ve got a naked women in my bed!” That’s it!

He is not looking at the cellulite or the jiggly bits. No, he is just happy because he is going to have sex. With you!

Seriously, start getting comfortable being naked and loving your body. Your man does.

 And if you don’t have a man yet? Once you start oozing sex goddess energy and body confidence the men will come running.

Next episode:  Cosmic Kissing coming soon!