Vagina, vagina, vulva

Ok so I know I've been talking about vaginas a lot and at the moment I am fuming to say the least.

I will not use euphemisms.

I will not  be saying ladygarden, pussy, fanny, vajayjay or whatever cutesy name is currently in vogue.

Why?

Because more and more I am seeing women being infantilised ( good word! very proud)  by the media, by movies and, what is worse, we seem to be playing along with it!

I read a recent article on Mamamia about the photoshopping of female genitalia in porn magazines in Australia. It seems the Australian government ( I don't know about any other countries as the article deals only with Australia but I am sure that it will be a Universal practise) likes nice, neat , "tidy" vaginas ( or vulvas. Whichever term you prefer).

Vaginas that do not  have labia minora on display.

Vaginas that have been "neatened"into a single cleft.

Vaginas that look more like something Barbie would have  were she to have a cleft at all.

Our vaginas, in their true form, are deemed too "offensive" for the classification board that rates the porn industry.

So what are women doing about it? Are we rising up and declaring that "our vaginas are perfectly ok thank you very much and leave your photoshopping tools on the desk" ?

Are we starting petitions about the adrogenising of our genitalia?

Are we screaming form the top of our lungs that we love our vaginas just the way they are?

NO!

We are waxing, lasering and getting surgery to CUT OFF OUR LABIA so that we fit this "acceptable"image.

We have done it with our bodies: we have had surgery to enhance our breast, liposuction to remove offending fat, starved so that we resemble  the models we see daily.

We have beaten ourselves up for our lack of self control for eating normal quantities of food.

We have purged and binged.

 We have felt like complete failures because we have tried and tried and tried to look like the models we see daily in the magazines and billboards. Images that the models themselves don not even look like once the photoshoppers tools have finished with them.

We have so lost sight of what a real women looks like that when we look in the mirror we are disgusted and appalled and ashamed with ourselves.
 
And now the same thing is being done with our most, intimate and sacred body part, our vagina.

And we are taking ourselves off to the plastic surgeons office, again, to try and achieve the perfect vagina.,  just like the ones in the magazines.

Even if we are not taking this extreme route it is seeping into our subconscious and make us feel less than whole, less than a woman. Just less.

Please, please please love your body. Know that who you are, how you look, all of you is enough exactly as it is today. Are you perfect? No but you are human. You have value, far, far beyond your looks.

You are unique and full of beauty.

Love yourself. All of yourself. Get comfortable with yourself - truly, it is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Check out my book "The Goddess Guide To sex, Love and Life" for more advice on loving all of yourself.

It's not polite

My mother is a proper Englishwoman. I learnt very early on that there are some things that you just don't do.

 You never ask a woman her age. You never discuss religion, politics or money. And as far as sex goes you lie back and think of England.

Photo thanks to http://www.2cuk.co.uk/uk-flag/

Nice girls don't enjoy sex.
That was the message I got loud and clear as I was growing up.
Sex is dirty and distasteful. Something to be endured not enjoyed.

When I was 25 I was married with two children and was visiting my parents when my mother commented that I was too old to be wearing a mini skirt.   My eldest sister was also wearing one which I pointed out but that was ok because she was single. You see I wasn't too old I was just "off the market" so I didn't need to dress sexy any more.
Hmmm , so not only do good girls not enjoy sex they aren't allowed to dress sexy either.

Photo from Mamamia.com.au

Now I know I'm not the only one getting that message.

 In fact most  people are raised with the same guidelines. We fear telling our kids that sex is fun and enjoyable in case they race out and become promiscuous.  Sadly what we end up doing us giving them conflicting messages around sex and sexuality which leaves them confused and sexually repressed.

On the one hand we use sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars, children's toys are more and more sexualised ( hello Bratz dolls!), you can buy push bras for girls before their bodies are even contemplating growing breasts, music videos stop just short of full in nudity and yet at the same time kids are getting the message that sex is bad and only nasty, cheap girls are interested in it. What is wrong with this picture?? Quite a lot actually!!

The important thing to show our kids is that touching; hugging, kissing and general affection, are a normal part of an adult relationship. That their parents being affectionate and snugly with each other is not something to be hidden or kept behind closed doors. Yes, they will get to an age where they will be grossed out. Guess what? That is a normal part of growing up but what you are teaching them is invaluable. 

Sex is a normal, healthy part of a relationship so lets stop giving our kids the impression that it is something that should be hidden. It is when it becomes hidden that problems arise. It is when it is hidden and deemed dirty that kids feel conflicted about the urges that start moving through their body as a normal part of growing up. It is when it is hidden that children feel that they cannot discuss it with their parents and they don't know what to do so they turn to their friends for the information that they so desperately need.

Talk to your kids, be affectionate with them all the way through their growing years. Don't just stop because they reach a certain age, that is when they need you more than ever and sometimes a hug from their parents is just what they need. Let them see you being affectionate with your partner so they know that its acceptable to want to touch and hug people that you care for.
Keeping all the channels of communication open, even touch, makes the transition through puberty easier. trust me I've been on the other side where touch and sex were taboo and it wasn't fun.