In 1978 I left school and started work for a government department in downtown Auckland, New Zealand. To say I was naive would be an understatement but I was working with lovely people of all ages and ethnicity.
One of those was a lovely lady called Taina.
Taina had a deep voice and was often mistaken for a male by people who called in. I didn't think anything of that as I had been mistaken for a boy by my priest during confession once upon a time when I still did such things.
Then one day one of the older men from one of the other sections on our floor came over to ask wher "he" was. I didn't know who he was referring to until one of the other workers said that Taina wasn't in that day.
To say I was confused would be an understatement. I asked Taina why some people referred to her as "he" and what that was all about and she carefully explained that she had been born a "he" but had undergone a sex change years earlier. She also explained some of the bull shit that went along with that.
Since she had started work as a male, once she underwent her surgery, if she chose to go by her new name and identity she would lose all seniority and pay rises that she had accrued til that time and would be starting from the bottom.
To add insult to injury there was also the issue of the bathrooms.
The ladies didn't want her to use the ladies bathroom and she didn't want to use the men's one so every time she needed to go she had to go down three floors and exit the building to use a public.
restroom.
Needless to say this made me very angry and that is how I ended up in my first ever gay right's protest march - yelling "What do we want ? Gay right's ! When do we want them? Now!" . Right at the front. We even made the 10 0'clock news and were on the telly - much to my father's disgust.
And here we are, in 2016, still calling for the same things.
Still caring who is having sex with who ( or whom, I'm never sure) when all that matters is that people are loving people. Why do we care what parts of them they rub against each other when love is all that is being made?
So here we are, in 2016, grieving for those that were killed at the nightclub in Orlando.
Why? Because some one couldn't cope with there being people who love other people being affectionate out in public.
Do you know what I would do in that situation - look away.
Except love doesn't offend me.
Violence offends me.
Homophobia offends me.
People not having equal rights offends me.
But no, love doesn't offend me at all.
To all those who are grieving for those young lives that were lost ( and that's all of us who are not offended by love , right?) my heart goes out to you. Let's turn towards each other and hold each other and spread more love and most of all let us send love to those who hate for they are the ones who need it the most.
Living Life Out Loud
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sexuality. Show all posts
Monday, June 13, 2016
Monday, May 4, 2015
The Invisible Woman Syndrome
Women make up roughly half of the population.
We are seen on just about every billboard, in every magazine, in lots of movies and television shows ........right up until we hit a certain age. It seems like movie directors and advertising executives don't think that women deserve to be seen on screen after they hit a specific age.
Amy Schuler did an awesome sketch with Julia Louis Drefuss, Patricia Arquette andTina Fey where they ae celebrating Julia's last fuckable day. She has hit the date and time where her desirability has expired..... well as far as movies and television directors are concerned. (Google it, it's hilarious)
The trouble is that women, in general buy into this myth that we somehow lose our desirability at a certain age, the we become invisible.
I don't buy it. And I don't want you to buy it either.
We can be sexy and desirable at any age. What it comes down to is a mindset, a belief in ourselves, in our sexuality and that people will still want to have sex with us regardless of our age.
We see it in the movies where men, of any age, can get with the most gorgeous woman around and nobody bats an eye. In the movie Focus, Will Smith is twice Margot Robbie's age but that is ok. Or look at just about any other on screen male / female romance and the male actors are often considerably older than their female counterparts and yet when Madonna recently kissed a young guy on stage at Coachella and everyone started talking about her age and how she shouldn't be acting that way.
Female sexuality seems to threaten people's sense of decorum and decency, especially if the woman in question is anything older than thirty or forty. Guess what? Women in their fifties and older are still having sex. In fact, many report they are having the best sex of their lives, the older they get the better it gets. Quality definitely takes the place of quantity as you get older but sex never goes off the menu altogether.
Thankfully women are starting to fight back. Geena Davis started the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media in 2007 to fight against gender discrimination in the entertainment industry. Not to mention Shonda Rhimes and all the strong female casts she has in her shows such as Scandal, How to Get Away with Murder and Grey's Anatomy. These shows not only depict strong female characters but also female sexuality in various forms
I talk about the Invisible Women Syndrome in my book The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life plus reclaiming our sense of who we are , not defined by what others think of us, instead claiming ourselves as the Goddesses that we are.
I am also starting a Self Love Immersion program on May 10 and it is completely FREE. Sign up for the newsletters here
And most of all keep being your awesome , sexy , desirable self.
We are seen on just about every billboard, in every magazine, in lots of movies and television shows ........right up until we hit a certain age. It seems like movie directors and advertising executives don't think that women deserve to be seen on screen after they hit a specific age.
Amy Schuler did an awesome sketch with Julia Louis Drefuss, Patricia Arquette andTina Fey where they ae celebrating Julia's last fuckable day. She has hit the date and time where her desirability has expired..... well as far as movies and television directors are concerned. (Google it, it's hilarious)
The trouble is that women, in general buy into this myth that we somehow lose our desirability at a certain age, the we become invisible.
I don't buy it. And I don't want you to buy it either.
We can be sexy and desirable at any age. What it comes down to is a mindset, a belief in ourselves, in our sexuality and that people will still want to have sex with us regardless of our age.
We see it in the movies where men, of any age, can get with the most gorgeous woman around and nobody bats an eye. In the movie Focus, Will Smith is twice Margot Robbie's age but that is ok. Or look at just about any other on screen male / female romance and the male actors are often considerably older than their female counterparts and yet when Madonna recently kissed a young guy on stage at Coachella and everyone started talking about her age and how she shouldn't be acting that way.
Female sexuality seems to threaten people's sense of decorum and decency, especially if the woman in question is anything older than thirty or forty. Guess what? Women in their fifties and older are still having sex. In fact, many report they are having the best sex of their lives, the older they get the better it gets. Quality definitely takes the place of quantity as you get older but sex never goes off the menu altogether.
Thankfully women are starting to fight back. Geena Davis started the Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media in 2007 to fight against gender discrimination in the entertainment industry. Not to mention Shonda Rhimes and all the strong female casts she has in her shows such as Scandal, How to Get Away with Murder and Grey's Anatomy. These shows not only depict strong female characters but also female sexuality in various forms
I talk about the Invisible Women Syndrome in my book The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life plus reclaiming our sense of who we are , not defined by what others think of us, instead claiming ourselves as the Goddesses that we are.
And most of all keep being your awesome , sexy , desirable self.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Self Love - Going deeper
Spring is an amazing time of year. It truly feels like a time of rejuvenation and rebirth and after a long cold, dreary winter there is nothing I love more than to fling open all the doors and windows and let the fresh air clear out all the cobwebs and dust bunnies that have collected everywhere
We are just over two weeks into the September Self Love Challenge and I have to say I am loving it. Have you been following along on my Facebook page? Each day I share exactly how I did that day's challenge and members of the page share their ideas.
But self love is more than just drinking green juice and giving yourself facials.
Forgiving yourself for any past mistakes.
Embracing your shadow side - that part of you that you don't want people to know about. That you deny even to yourself (I'll write a blog on that next week - promise!)
It is also about releasing shame.
I listened to Brene Brown talk about the difference between shame and humiliation. Humiliation is I did something bad while shame is "I am bad". One of the areas in which we are often ashamed is our sexuality.
I can only speak as a woman here and say that this is especially true for us. There are so many conflicting messages we receive around our sexuality ; we are supposed to be sexy but not too sexy, we are supposed to have sex but not too much, we are supposed to show we enjoy it but again, not too much and the list goes on and on.
I am sure men have a similar list because society is just not geared to cope with sexuality. Male sexuality is a tad more acceptable than woman's though.( in my opinion)
Now you are probably wondering what these meditations can do for you.For a start they will help you release any past traumas or painful experiences (Reiki can do this for you too) you may have had during your sexual awakening. And let's face it when we first venture into the realms of sex and sexuality there are always some bumbling and fumbling issues which can leave us all feeling that somehow everyone else got the gist of sex ... except you.
I remember after my first sexual experience I thought to myself " is that it? what is all the fuss about?" No, it was not a great experience even though, in all my worldly wisdom, I decided that I needed an older guy to deflower me as he would have some idea of what he was doing.
No, he didn't. ( he was 27, I was 16).
And that is just part of the sexual wounding that we can take on board.
Releasing any old baggage whether through womb healing or Reiki makes us feel more like ourselves again, more alive, more vibrant, more confident.. Regardless of how much work you have done on yourself in the past there is always more to clear and release.
If you have never done any personal work then now would be a good time to start.
Contact me to book a session today.
 | ||||
| Have you joined the September Self Love Challenge? |
We are just over two weeks into the September Self Love Challenge and I have to say I am loving it. Have you been following along on my Facebook page? Each day I share exactly how I did that day's challenge and members of the page share their ideas.
But self love is more than just drinking green juice and giving yourself facials.
Going Deeper
Self Love is about accepting yourself on a deeper level.Forgiving yourself for any past mistakes.
Embracing your shadow side - that part of you that you don't want people to know about. That you deny even to yourself (I'll write a blog on that next week - promise!)
It is also about releasing shame.
I listened to Brene Brown talk about the difference between shame and humiliation. Humiliation is I did something bad while shame is "I am bad". One of the areas in which we are often ashamed is our sexuality.
I can only speak as a woman here and say that this is especially true for us. There are so many conflicting messages we receive around our sexuality ; we are supposed to be sexy but not too sexy, we are supposed to have sex but not too much, we are supposed to show we enjoy it but again, not too much and the list goes on and on.
I am sure men have a similar list because society is just not geared to cope with sexuality. Male sexuality is a tad more acceptable than woman's though.( in my opinion)
Womb Healing
At the beginning of last year I wrote this article about space clearing our genitals. As a Reiki therapist I "see" a lot of armoring and wounding in people's energy field. I know that this is cleared with Reiki energy. |
| To book your session |
I recently found a Facebook page called Kundalini Dance and she has a course called Female Sexual Soul Healing and offered two of the meditations for free download over the course of the past two months, both of which I have downloaded and used for myself. Both practices are deeply healing and I highly recommend her course.
Now you are probably wondering what these meditations can do for you.For a start they will help you release any past traumas or painful experiences (Reiki can do this for you too) you may have had during your sexual awakening. And let's face it when we first venture into the realms of sex and sexuality there are always some bumbling and fumbling issues which can leave us all feeling that somehow everyone else got the gist of sex ... except you.
I remember after my first sexual experience I thought to myself " is that it? what is all the fuss about?" No, it was not a great experience even though, in all my worldly wisdom, I decided that I needed an older guy to deflower me as he would have some idea of what he was doing.
No, he didn't. ( he was 27, I was 16).
And that is just part of the sexual wounding that we can take on board.
Releasing any old baggage whether through womb healing or Reiki makes us feel more like ourselves again, more alive, more vibrant, more confident.. Regardless of how much work you have done on yourself in the past there is always more to clear and release.
If you have never done any personal work then now would be a good time to start.
Contact me to book a session today.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
The One with the Penis Beaker
This one is not for the faint hearted or those of a delicate constitution. NO! We will be delving into sex and all it's inherent messiness, so if squeamish back away slowly, now. Or run, your call!
A month or so ago I came across a story that , to be honest, had me completely stumped.
It was the one about the penis beaker.
A woman wrote on Mumsnet about her and her husband's after sex clean up routine, at which point my mouth fell open and kinda stayed that way for a while as I slowly shook my head from side to side and I began to feel like I had missed a class in sex ed and , well life , really.
I mean here I am, a grown women of 51 with grown children and grandchildren for, goodness sake, and never once had it crossed my mind to
- instigate a clean up routine after sex
- invest in a penis beaker
In fact, I just can't get my head around the whole need for a clean up routine at all.
Before sex , definitely. After sex, no thanks Id rather drift off in an endorphin, post orgasmic slumber, sounds much more fun.
I mean who really wants to get out of bed in the post coital glow? Or am I , in fact, a dirty, dirty girl???
And why are we all so obsessed with being clean anyway? I have to confess to being a bit of an old hippie. Don't get me wrong, I shower every day and often bath with hubby when he gets home from work ( YUM!) but it seems to me that we all get a tad carried away with all this cleanliness business.
What is wrong with the scent of sex, which to me is delicious(TMI?? again, you have been warned because this post is likely to contain more. Brace your self) or sweat, not stinky I-haven't-showered-all-week-while -working-outside-in-the-hot-sun but fresh, sweat from today, or the delightful smell of your own vagina which emits different smells throughout your cycle.
All that stuff is loaded with pheromones, those lusty little chemicals, that help us to sniff out our ideal mate.The trouble is that we are so obsessed with smothering our natural scents under, deodorants, scented pantyliners, perfumes, moisturisers and anything else with the smell of a thousand flowers that is not our own natural scent.
Heaven forbid that we go around smelling like ourselves. Yes, I shower. Do I wear deodorant? No and haven't for years. Do I wear perfume? Only if it is a natural one and not one that contains synthetic scents in some hideous chemical concoction. Which means generally, no.
But back to sex, it is supposed to be "dirty". A great session involves losing yourself completely in the throes of passion which leaves you with legs too weak to stand, rather than leaping out of bed to "clean up", you relax completely satisfied and blissed to move.
Or is that just me? God, I hope not.
What about you? Do you have a clean up routine? Leave me a comment below.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
What's wrong with Miley?
It seems like everyone is talking about Miley Cyrus.
Here's just some of the articles I have read today:
Moms who drink and swear ( seriously love her blogs. Go check it out)
Mamamia
And this http://sexologist.tumblr.com/post/59399069155/a-sexologists-two-cents-on-the-2013-mtv-vmas
The most Googled word this week?
TWERKING! Seriously. Who comes up with these words?
In my opinion, ( and that's all it is, my opinion) our society has lost the connection between sex, sexuality and sensuality.
Miley may think that she is all grown up and Tweet about how much she loves sex ( and drugs, but that's a whole other blog) but what she is consistently demonstrating is the pseudo "sexy"image we have come to expect from Hollywood. The bump and grind is sexy stripped down ( pardon the pun) to its most basic, it is lap dances and stripper poles and porn and far, far removed from the truly, stripped, down, bare faced intimacy of a truly orgasmic sexual experience.
We have been told over and over that sex sells. And it does. Everything from toothpaste to cars to alcohol. But the trouble is the sex they are using to sell to us is soulless. It reduces women and men to mere body parts; thrusting boobs, pouty lips and hairless bodies.
We are lured by the superficiality of looks and then obsess over our own body not matching up to those airbrushed ideals. We are lulled into thinking that sex is a heady rush to climax which both partners reach simultaneously with a few thrusts from him and heaving sighs fro her.
None of that is real and leaves us all feeling somewhat dissatisfied, like binging on a packet of biscuits; it seemed like a good idea at the time but didn't quench the hunger you truly had.
And that is the point I am trying to make; Miley is craving attention, lusting for it and will do anything to get it. In our over sexualized world the one sure fire way to attract attention is to bring out your "sexy".
Madonna did it with her bared breast.
Janet Jackson did it with her nipple slip.
Angelina Jolie did it with her carefully staged, out thrust leg
So how is a girl supposed to compete with all of that?
By going one stage further and stipping down to her flesh toned underwear and grinding ( I can't bring myself to use the term twerk) on anything that stands still including a foam finger (?????)
Does this make her look sexy? Ummmmmm no. Does it make her look like she is on the edge of a mental break down a la Britney? Yup sure does.
But what does it say about our culture that young musical artists are going to further and further extremes?
Well let's just pause for a moment and remember Cher and That outfit and remember how she ended up astride a canon. ( a canon people!) and it's not just her.
Stars are regularly posting "selfies" on Twitter; naked, in their underwear, in bikinis. Whatever takes their fancy.
The stakes just keep getting higher, the boundaries keep getting pushed ,sex keeps getting cheapened and our bodies along with it.
If sex and bare bodies are everywhere that you look then what is sacred and special any more?
If singers are flashing their arse during a concert then are we no longer seduced by their music?
What is left of seduction? Or sensuality?
When we are letting it all hang out what is left to cherish?
So how about we focus on the music and not the displays of body parts.
How about we calm down, take a step back and decide that baring all on stage is not a display of being comfortable in your sexuality but a desperate cry for "more attention, please".
Lets decide that being sexy, in the words of that great philosopher, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, is about being smart, thoughtful and generous ( Don't know what I'm talking about? Go watch this ).
Sexy is an inside job. It is being confident in who you are and radiating that out from your very being.
When in doubt ask yourself "What would Marilyn do?"
Here's just some of the articles I have read today:
Moms who drink and swear ( seriously love her blogs. Go check it out)
Mamamia
And this http://sexologist.tumblr.com/post/59399069155/a-sexologists-two-cents-on-the-2013-mtv-vmas
The most Googled word this week?
TWERKING! Seriously. Who comes up with these words?
In my opinion, ( and that's all it is, my opinion) our society has lost the connection between sex, sexuality and sensuality.
Miley may think that she is all grown up and Tweet about how much she loves sex ( and drugs, but that's a whole other blog) but what she is consistently demonstrating is the pseudo "sexy"image we have come to expect from Hollywood. The bump and grind is sexy stripped down ( pardon the pun) to its most basic, it is lap dances and stripper poles and porn and far, far removed from the truly, stripped, down, bare faced intimacy of a truly orgasmic sexual experience.
We have been told over and over that sex sells. And it does. Everything from toothpaste to cars to alcohol. But the trouble is the sex they are using to sell to us is soulless. It reduces women and men to mere body parts; thrusting boobs, pouty lips and hairless bodies.
We are lured by the superficiality of looks and then obsess over our own body not matching up to those airbrushed ideals. We are lulled into thinking that sex is a heady rush to climax which both partners reach simultaneously with a few thrusts from him and heaving sighs fro her.
None of that is real and leaves us all feeling somewhat dissatisfied, like binging on a packet of biscuits; it seemed like a good idea at the time but didn't quench the hunger you truly had.
And that is the point I am trying to make; Miley is craving attention, lusting for it and will do anything to get it. In our over sexualized world the one sure fire way to attract attention is to bring out your "sexy".Madonna did it with her bared breast.
Janet Jackson did it with her nipple slip.
Angelina Jolie did it with her carefully staged, out thrust leg
So how is a girl supposed to compete with all of that?
By going one stage further and stipping down to her flesh toned underwear and grinding ( I can't bring myself to use the term twerk) on anything that stands still including a foam finger (?????)
Does this make her look sexy? Ummmmmm no. Does it make her look like she is on the edge of a mental break down a la Britney? Yup sure does.
But what does it say about our culture that young musical artists are going to further and further extremes?
Well let's just pause for a moment and remember Cher and That outfit and remember how she ended up astride a canon. ( a canon people!) and it's not just her.Stars are regularly posting "selfies" on Twitter; naked, in their underwear, in bikinis. Whatever takes their fancy.
The stakes just keep getting higher, the boundaries keep getting pushed ,sex keeps getting cheapened and our bodies along with it.
If sex and bare bodies are everywhere that you look then what is sacred and special any more?
 | |
| Photo from The Mirror. co.uk |
If singers are flashing their arse during a concert then are we no longer seduced by their music?
What is left of seduction? Or sensuality?
When we are letting it all hang out what is left to cherish?
So how about we focus on the music and not the displays of body parts.
How about we calm down, take a step back and decide that baring all on stage is not a display of being comfortable in your sexuality but a desperate cry for "more attention, please".
Lets decide that being sexy, in the words of that great philosopher, Christopher Ashton Kutcher, is about being smart, thoughtful and generous ( Don't know what I'm talking about? Go watch this ).
Sexy is an inside job. It is being confident in who you are and radiating that out from your very being.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
It's not polite
My mother is a proper Englishwoman. I learnt very early on that there are some things that you just don't do.You never ask a woman her age. You never discuss religion, politics or money. And as far as sex goes you lie back and think of England.
 | |
| Photo thanks to http://www.2cuk.co.uk/uk-flag/ |
Nice girls don't enjoy sex.
That was the message I got loud and clear as I was growing up.
Sex is dirty and distasteful. Something to be endured not enjoyed.
When I was 25 I was married with two children and was visiting my parents when my mother commented that I was too old to be wearing a mini skirt. My eldest sister was also wearing one which I pointed out but that was ok because she was single. You see I wasn't too old I was just "off the market" so I didn't need to dress sexy any more.
Hmmm , so not only do good girls not enjoy sex they aren't allowed to dress sexy either.
 | ||||
| Photo from Mamamia.com.au |
In fact most people are raised with the same guidelines. We fear telling our kids that sex is fun and enjoyable in case they race out and become promiscuous. Sadly what we end up doing us giving them conflicting messages around sex and sexuality which leaves them confused and sexually repressed.
On the one hand we use sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars, children's toys are more and more sexualised ( hello Bratz dolls!), you can buy push bras for girls before their bodies are even contemplating growing breasts, music videos stop just short of full in nudity and yet at the same time kids are getting the message that sex is bad and only nasty, cheap girls are interested in it. What is wrong with this picture?? Quite a lot actually!!
The important thing to show our kids is that touching; hugging, kissing and general affection, are a normal part of an adult relationship. That their parents being affectionate and snugly with each other is not something to be hidden or kept behind closed doors. Yes, they will get to an age where they will be grossed out. Guess what? That is a normal part of growing up but what you are teaching them is invaluable.
Sex is a normal, healthy part of a relationship so lets stop giving our kids the impression that it is something that should be hidden. It is when it becomes hidden that problems arise. It is when it is hidden and deemed dirty that kids feel conflicted about the urges that start moving through their body as a normal part of growing up. It is when it is hidden that children feel that they cannot discuss it with their parents and they don't know what to do so they turn to their friends for the information that they so desperately need.
Talk to your kids, be affectionate with them all the way through their growing years. Don't just stop because they reach a certain age, that is when they need you more than ever and sometimes a hug from their parents is just what they need. Let them see you being affectionate with your partner so they know that its acceptable to want to touch and hug people that you care for.
Keeping all the channels of communication open, even touch, makes the transition through puberty easier. trust me I've been on the other side where touch and sex were taboo and it wasn't fun.
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