Hot Mess Sisterhood

Let's face it on any given day we can all be a bit of a hot mess.

i know that when I was growing up I thought that by the time I reached X age I would totally have all my shit together.

I am 53.

I am still waiting for that day.

The truth is we are all making it up as we go along.

When we were kids it looked  like all the adults knew what they were doing. They knew how to parent, drive a car, balance a checkbook, keep food on the table and keep their relationship going. To be honest my parents relationship didn't look that great so I was taking notes on "what I don't want in a relationship". Turns out I wasn't paying close enough attention  but that's a story for another day.

I left home at 18 and moved straight in with my boyfriend and thought that now I would have my shit together and begin to "adult". Boy, was I wrong. I went on to have kids and figured now I would know how to "adult". Nope, wrong again. Instead I suffered from post natal depression and our kindly doctor told us that I needed loving support from my husband. Instead I left him when my son was four months old.

We got back together but eventually I left him.

With two young kids I figured now I would begin to get my life sorted. Oh, how I laugh! Instead I got pregnant to my ex and then divorced.

I have just staggered from one cluster fuck to the next all in the guise of being an "adult" and "knowing what I am doing". I did make some smart moves though, namely meeting and marrying my current husband.

I am older and wiser now but life can still knock you sideways which is what happened to me a few years back when I went through a complete nervous breakdown. And just like Brene Brown's therapist I call it a Spiritual Awakening ( watch until the 11 minute mark to get the reference).

I dissolved into a heap. I didn't function. I went on antidepressants which is so against everything I believed up until that point.

This wasn't supposed to happen to me. I am a therapist. I am the one that helps people and here I was, not even able to help myself. It took me a long time to pull myself back together and it took lots of self care, lots of unending support from my beloved husband and time, lots of time.

Then it became my dirty, little secret. I felt like a fraud helping people when I had fallen apart so spectacularly. I didn't want to share about it. I didn't want to blog about it (although the nudge to do so has been there for a long time) I kept it to myself.

So why am I sharing it now?

Because we all have crap days.

Because talking about our shit, heals our shit.

Because I want you to know that I know.  I know what it is like to fall apart. I know what it is like to struggle. To struggle with being a Mum and wondering if you are doing a good job . To struggle with the idea of leaving and "what will that do to the kids?" . To struggle with an inopportune pregnancy and weigh all of that up. To struggle with starting anew relationship when there are kids involved.

Because I survived it all and thrived and I know you can too.

Because putting all my cards on the table feels real and raw and vulnerable and powerful and empowering all at the same time.

Because reclaiming myself as a Sex Goddess and stepping fully into my authenticity is just how I roll.


Want to join me? Check out my book "The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life"

Or come join me over at Awaken Your Inner Goddess Facebook group

Growing beyond shame

Shame.

We've all felt it.

We all know that we don't want to feel that way and yet it is built right into our cultural system as a means of control. In his book The Mind Body Code, Dr Mario Martinez talks about the archetypal wounds of shame, abandonment and betrayal and how the authority figures in our lives; parents, teachers, bosses and religious leader use the language of these emotions in order to bring us back into line or keep us from straying from the line in the first place.

Brene Brown, a shame researcher, explains the difference between shame and humiliation like this; Humiliation is I did a bad thing. Shame is I am a bad person. Humiliation is something that we will get over. We know that we messed up and we know that we will do better in the future.

Shame, on the other hand, seeps into our pores, it eats away at our self esteem and according to Dr Martinez, it leads to illness, inflammation and self sabotage.

We feel shame any time we step away from our tribal belief, any time that we deviate from the "norm" as set down by our elders whether they be our parents, our teachers, our religious leader or any authority figure that has a position of power over us. We move beyond the pale and often are shunned for doing so. In the Amish community "shunning" involves everyone in the community literally turning their backs on you, no-one will talk to you or connect with you in anyway until such time as you embrace the tribal beliefs again and fall back into line.

Stepping out onto your own path takes immense courage. Shame will be poured on your from many directions to try and pull you back into line.

Harriet Lerner, in her book The Dance of Intimacy, talks about it this way; that who ever we are interacting with we are in a dance with but if you start trying to dance to a different beat or in a different way they will pull you back to the original dance. That only works if you are willing to go back to the old ways though. Changing the dance, staying true to you regardless of the force of others wanting you to fit into their idea of "normal"  takes courage, strength of character and a firm belief in yourself.

You are literally stepping out into the world on your own because the tribe will disown you.

I know because I've been there. When I finally faced up to my parents about the abuse that went on in my family when I was younger  I was told in no uncertain terms that  (a) I was delusional (b) I was now disowned and (c) that all photos of myself and my children would be removed from the house. The part about my kids is what got me the most. Sure, I could have caved in and reclaimed my place in the family by denying that anything had ever happened and following the party line. But here's the thing I had been denying things fro a long time and I wasn't about to try and put the cat back into the bag. I knew the minute that  I put that phone down that I wouldn't be talking to my parents again. I had to make a choice in my life; to stand up to bullies or to continue being bullied. I chose Me.

Was it painful? You betcha. Did I fall apart? Absolutely - I sank into a depression that lasted for 18 months and ended up on antidepressants which I never , ever wanted to go on. Was it worth it? Absolutely!! I now live my life completely on my own terms. I feel free to do and be exactly as I please without fear of judgment or parental disapproval.

Things I learned in the process:

(1) Friends  really are the family you choose for yourself.

Friends will be your saving grace. they will wrap themselves around you and fill up the spaces where family once stood. Plus they will never judge you the way your family did.

(2) You are stronger than you realise.

When I went on antidepressants  my doctor told me I would probably be on them for the rest of my life. That was the comment that spurred me to get off them. I am nothing if not determined. Freeing yourself from your parents judgment and shaming ways will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders, like you have been given wings. You will start to stretch and grow in ways you never would have thought possible before

(3) You will still miss family.

You will still feel pangs of missing them from time to time especially when you have big news to share. You will find other people to share all those highlights with though and you get to build your own family traditions.

(4) Some people won't understand.

If they have not come from a dysfunctional family or have never been shamed the way you have they won't understand. They will ask you why you hate your parents or why you don't just apologise or why you don't just suck it up and make amends. The reality is you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. I still love my parents I just choose not to spend time with them any more. Some call me heartless and  use the emotive " you don't want your parents to die without saying goodbye do you?"  all this does is add to the shame and puts me in the role of the recalcitrant child not obeying the family rules.
The reality is that you are choosing to love yourself more than you love the tribe you came from. Some see this a selfish. What it is is self full. We are here to heal ourselves and grow ourselves into the best version of us that we can. We are not here to kowtow to others ideas of how our lives should be run.

 I highly recommend reading Dr Martinez's book The Mind Body Code and while you are over at Amazon check out my new book "The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life"  which I would never have had the courage to write if I was still bound to my family of origin.

Or hop over to my facebook page to find out how you could win a signed paperback version of my book.

Self Love - Going deeper

Spring is an amazing time of year. It truly feels like a time of rejuvenation and rebirth and after a long cold, dreary  winter there is nothing I love more than to fling open all the doors and windows and let the fresh air clear out all the cobwebs and dust bunnies that have collected everywhere

Have you joined the September Self Love Challenge?

We are just over two weeks into the September Self Love Challenge and I have to say I am loving it. Have you been following along on my Facebook page? Each day I share exactly how I did that day's challenge and members of the page share their ideas.

But self love is more than just drinking green juice and giving yourself facials.

Going Deeper

Self Love is about accepting yourself on a deeper level.

Forgiving yourself for any past mistakes.

Embracing your shadow side - that part of you that you don't want people to know about. That you deny even to yourself (I'll write a blog on that next week - promise!)

It is also about releasing shame.

I listened to Brene Brown talk about the difference between shame and humiliation. Humiliation is I did something bad while shame is "I am bad". One of the areas in which we  are often ashamed is our sexuality.

I can only speak as a woman here and say that this is especially true for us. There are so many conflicting messages we receive around our sexuality ; we are supposed to be sexy but not too sexy, we are supposed to have sex but not too much, we are supposed to show we enjoy it but again, not too much and the list goes on and on.

I am sure men have a similar list because society is just not geared to cope with sexuality. Male sexuality is a tad more acceptable than woman's though.( in my opinion)

Womb Healing

At the beginning of last year I wrote this article about space clearing our genitals. As a Reiki therapist I "see" a lot of armoring and wounding in people's energy field. I know that this is cleared with Reiki energy.

To book your session

I recently found a Facebook page called Kundalini Dance and she has a course called Female Sexual Soul Healing and offered two of the meditations for free download over the course of the past two months, both of which I have downloaded and used for myself. Both practices are deeply healing and I highly recommend her course.

Now you are probably wondering what these meditations can do for you.For a start they will help you release any past traumas or painful experiences (Reiki can do this for you too) you may have had during your sexual awakening. And let's face it when  we first venture into the realms of sex and sexuality there are always some bumbling and fumbling issues which can leave us all feeling that somehow everyone else got the gist of sex ... except you.
I remember after my first sexual experience I thought to myself " is that it? what is all the fuss about?"  No, it was not a great experience even though, in all my worldly wisdom, I decided that I needed an older guy to deflower me as he would have some idea of what he was doing.

No, he didn't. ( he was 27, I was 16).

And that is just part of the sexual wounding that we can take on board.

 Releasing any old baggage whether through womb healing or Reiki makes us feel more like ourselves again, more alive, more vibrant, more confident.. Regardless of how much work you have done on yourself in the past there is always more to clear and release.

If you have never done any personal work then now would be a good time to start.
Contact me to book a session today.

Sex and Money Part Two

As I settled down in front of my computer to write my second installment of Sex and Money I decided to check in to Facebook ( as you do, or is that just me?) I found two great posts on this very topic ( See I knew there was a good reason I stop by there first)


The first was by one of my favorite people, Danielle LaPorte, if you haven't discovered her yet make sure to take the time to click on the link and check her out. Danielle is interviewing one of her friends, Kate Northrup, who has just written a book called  Money: A Love story. The ladies are both open and frank about money and its impact on our psyche and wellbeing.

One of the big issues that comes up in this talk is SHAME, which I mentioned briefly in Part One. Brene Brown gave a great TED talk on shame so check it out. The big take away from the talk is that Shame = "I am not good enough" .

Which brings us back to sex and money.

Why?

Because often when it comes to sex we feel like we just don't measure up; we are not sexy enough, not orgasmic enough, our orgasms aren't intense enough, we aren't making him horny enough, our vaginas aren't prety enough and on and on the list goes.

With money the list of why we aren't good enough is also long; we aren't smart enough, we aren't making enough, we aren't clever enough, we aren't good with money and on and on.

The second article I came across was by Kate Northrup in which she talks about how sex and money are linked and how to make both more mind blowing.

Which brings me back to some tips on opening up  more:

(1) Breathing.

Breathing is to do with the heart chakra which aids in feeling more love and more expansive in general. It also helps us to feel more energized and open and when it comes to sex the more open youare feeling the better sex you will have.

What tends to happen as we are becoming more and more excited is that we tend to breathe shallowly or tighten up and hold our breath.

Instead of doing that try taking longer, deeper breaths and slowing everything down while focusing on the moment by moment interplay. I promise you it will make everything more intense ( though it does take practise!)

(2) Be vulnerable

You have to be in a relationship with someone that you truly trust in order to feel safe being vulnerable and the benefit of that is it deepens the trust for both of you. In fact vulnerability and trust go hand in hand.

If you want to take your sex life to greater heights then it is imperative that you are completely honest with your partner. Holding secrets back creates an energy of distrust and  closes off closeness

(3) Gratitude

Appreciating what you already have allows you to see the value of everything in your life.

Practice saying "thank you" when someone offers you a compliment and allow the compliment to be fully felt by you. No rushing to offer one in return, no brushing it aside, just a simple "thank you".

(4) What if

Most of us can ""what if" ourselves into a state of anxiety ridden self doubt in a heartbeat but in order to stay open to any and all possibilities try "what if -ing" yourself in a positive direction. What if everything goes right? What if he thinks you are the sexiest person in the world? What if money was flowing to you right now? What if........?

The truth is that we tend to seize up when we get close to our joy. We tighten up in case things don't go right, we pull back at the last minute just in case we get hurt and this leaves us short changed in love, sex and money.

So maybe it's time to try an new approach.

Maybe it's time we tried breathing into our biggest fears and doubts and start embracing all the luscious , juicy sex and money that is flowing our way..... right now!

Just  breathe, open up and LET GO!