What love looks like

I just spent the weekend celebrating my father in law's eighty eighth birthday which involved all his kids, their husband's or wives, various grandchildren and their partners and a few of his great grandchildren thrown in for good measure. It also meant four birthday cakes and who can resist that?

I am lucky enough to have a father in law who I absolutely adore and even luckier to know that the feelings are mutual. I was also blessed with a loving mother in law but sadly she passed away a couple of years ago which makes our family gatherings extra poignant these days.

My f in l ( as he calls himself, which always makes me giggle as it sounds almost like I'm swearing at him) was and still is completely devoted to his wife and talks of her often and how they first met and some of the mischief they got up to back in the day.

We all tend to think of our in laws and elders as being stuffy sexless creatures and we forget that they were young and passionate once too. I love that he is willing to share some of that passion with me  let me know that passion doesn't fade. Sure the body might not be quite as willing but the fire doesn't die out completely... or ever.
Things that my F in L has taught me:


(1) Family matters  and love matters most of all

I have been welcomed into this family from the first day.  I probably wouldn't have been the first ( or even second ) choice for their son  as I was ten years younger and had three kids already, one of whom was only a babe in arms. I'm not sure what they thought of me then and they never showed me anything other than love.. and my boys too. That in itself is priceless.

(2) Judgment is best left at the door

I am not the world's greatest housekeepers. Ok, let's be real, I suck at housekeeping. Thankfully my mother in law ( or M in L) never, ever judged the appearance of my house when they came for visits. In fact , one time I apologized for the state of the house and she replied " we came to see you not the house." and for that I will always love her!

(3) Even when you disagree love trumps all

Early on my husband and his mother had an argument and she hung up on him... but they soon made up because that's what family does. They could never get their head around the fact that my parents and I are still not talking after 7 years - that just seemed like a waste to them ( and yes, I have reached out to them and yes, it is a long involved story and no, it won't be healed any time soon)

(4) Acceptance is everything

I write about sex. I podcast about sex (if you haven't listened in yet , go check it out). I call myself a Sex Goddess. All of which my in laws never bat an eye - ever. In fact, they both used to check in with me as to how my business was/is going.

The bottom line in all of this is that love trumps everything. That's it. So let's spread more love out there in the world

Love is Love

In 1978 I left school and started work for a government department in downtown Auckland, New Zealand. To say I was naive would be an understatement but I was working with lovely people of all ages and ethnicity.

One of those was a lovely lady called Taina.

Taina had a deep voice  and was often mistaken for a male by people who called in. I didn't think anything of that as I had been mistaken for a boy by my priest during confession once upon a time when I still did such things.

Then one day one of the older men from one of the other sections on our floor came over to ask wher "he" was. I didn't know who he was referring to until one of the other workers said that Taina wasn't in that day.

To say I was confused would be an understatement. I asked Taina why some people referred to her as "he" and what that was all about and she carefully explained that she had been born a "he" but had undergone a sex change years earlier. She also explained some of the bull shit that went along with that.

Since she had started work as a male, once she underwent her surgery, if she chose to go by her new name and identity she would lose all seniority and pay rises that she had accrued til that time and would be starting from the bottom.

To add insult to injury there was also the issue of the bathrooms.

The ladies didn't want her to use the ladies bathroom and she didn't want to use the men's one so every time she needed to go she had to go down three floors and exit the building to use a public.
restroom.

Needless to say this made me very angry and that is how I ended up in my first ever gay right's protest march - yelling "What do we want ? Gay right's ! When do we want them? Now!" . Right at the front. We even made the 10 0'clock news and were on the telly - much to my father's disgust.

And here we are, in 2016, still calling for the same things.

Still caring who is having sex with who ( or whom, I'm never sure) when all that matters is that people are loving people. Why do we care what parts of them they rub against each other when love is all that is being made?

So here we are, in 2016, grieving for  those that were killed at the nightclub in Orlando.

Why? Because some  one couldn't cope with there being people who love other people being affectionate out in public.

Do you know what I would do in that situation - look away.

Except love doesn't offend me.

Violence offends me.

Homophobia offends me.

People not having equal rights offends me.

But no, love doesn't offend me at all.

To all those who are grieving for those young lives that were lost ( and that's all of us who are not offended by love , right?) my heart goes out to you. Let's turn towards each other and hold each other and spread more love and most of all let us send love to those who hate for they are the ones who need it the most.

Things I've learned from grief

I am a writer.

Most of the time I try to convince myself otherwise.

My writing isn't good enough. I don't have any inspiration. The ideas just aren't flowing. Blah blah., blah.

Today I spent sitting in front of my computer screen trying to come up with an idea for a blog, or even a newsletter or some ideas for new products I'm working on and I came up with precisely nothing.

Nada.

Zip.

Zero.

I took a break. Made myself a cup of tea. Went and hung out with my chooks. Still nothing. I did some housework ( I hate housework so I know it's serious when that becomes an option) Still nothing.

I started cooking and ended up with a lovely meal but still no inspiration.

Finally I took myself off to bed, otherwise known as my happy place, and prepared to drift off to sleep.

BINGO! Now we have ideas flooding in. And this is when the argument with my Muse kicks in "I'll remember this in the morning" ( that never works _ how many great ideas have I lost by declaring this? Countless) "No, I really will remember this" Yeah she's not letting me off that easy. so here I am sitting at my keyboard, eyes stinging and ready for sleep so let's see how this  goes.

Grief is a bitch

My mother in law passed away in January. she fell sick in December and within four short weeks she was gone. A week later my brother  who had been struggling with cancer went into hospital, two weeks later he passed away too.

January and February have been a constant round of family visits, texts, phone calls, Skype sessions, hospital visits and I can't believe we are in March already.

So what have I learned from all of this?  Lots.

(1) Life is short

It doesn't matter if you are 85 or 56 life is over before you know. The trouble is we think we have time. We talk about "getting around"to things. We put off doing what we want to because now is not the right time when in reality right now is all you have. Today.

Because tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

A young friend of mine's husband had a car accident a week or so ago. Their lives will never be the same. Her husband has already undergone numerous surgeries with still more to come. The previous weekend they had posted pictures of them out having fun and now it is hospital updates.

Life is short. Go do all those things that you are waiting to do. Now is the time. NOW!


(2) People are awesome

We can all get a little jaded and think that the world sucks...... and some of the time it does.

But on the whole people are awesome.

You will be amazed at the people who are there for you when the chips are down........ and at the ones that you thought you could count on who disappear into the woodwork.

Focus on the ones who are there for you because they are the ones that really matter.

(3) Grief brings out the worst... and the best in people

It's amazing how it happens. And it always seems to. Weddings and Funerals bring up all the old family shit.

Mainly because it never goes away.

It just lies deep enough beneath the surface that everyone can pretend it has been dealt with. We all want to sweep it under the rug and pretend that we are okay with it all but we aren't and so it rises to the surface when every ones emotions are at the for, either in joy or in pain.

Far better to deal with whatever family shit there is ( and there is always some) before it rears it's ugly head at the wrong time.

Although even this doesn't always work as I know only too well

(4) Sometimes just being there is the most important thing

Sitting holding someone's hand as they are preparing to transition can be the most powerful and transformative thing that you do - for you and for them.

I didn't get to be with my brother due to family issues. I did get to text him... which was nowhere near the same but the best that I could do.

I did get to sit with my mother in law and hold her hand and leaving her was the hardest thing to do... even though she had other family members with her.

Sometimes just being there is all you need to do. You don't need to speak. Your presence is enough.

(5) In the end only love matters

Letting others know that you love them is vital for everyone, regardless of the stage of life that you are at.

It is the one thing that we all need to hear... every day.

It shouldn't be hard to say and we shouldn't wait until the last days of our lives to tell those that we love them how much they mean to us. Sadly, a lot of us still do. Don't be one of them.

(6) Self Care is important

We've been taught that it is selfish. It isn't.

Do whatever it is that you need to do to be the healthiest; in mind, body and spirit, that you can be. It is your life that you are living and you get to decide what it is that you need and what is important to you. Nobody can take that away from you so don't surrender your needs for the sake of pleasing someone else.

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The Power of Reiki

For a long time, even before I became attuned to Reiki, my husband told me he loved the energy from my hands.

 Not just him either.

There was the time in a shuttle bus from Coffs Harbor to the airport in when a fellow passenger had an injured leg and I suggested that she rested it on my seat and i placed my hand on it during the trip. When we got to our destination she thanked me and said her leg felt much better now.

Then I did Level one, two and three in Reiki training. Mostly I used it on myself and my husband. Occasionally I would send it to my cat while she was on my lap, apparently cats love reiki!

I sent ti to my auntie after her surgery and she credited it with healing her up faster than the surgeon was expecting.

Often when I am sending reiki energy it feels like precisely nothing is taking place; my mind wanders, the client falls asleep but nothing profound or earth shattering takes place.

 Sometimes my hands get warm, sometimes they get cold.

Sometimes I can feel a tingle through my hands and then it stops and I move to the next hand position and it starts up again...... and sometimes it doesn't.

Sometimes I "see" lots of colours or Angels or I "know"that certain beings or relatives are close by....... and other times I don't.

Most of the time clients fall asleep, however briefly, on that table. Sometimes they get leg twitches and tummy rumbles.

They always say how much more relaxed they feel at the end of a session. Who wouldn't after an hour of lying down doing precisely nothing?

But recently I have been sending reiki to my mother in law. She is 85 years old and has been in hospital for the past three weeks and nobody expects her to be coming home any time soon.... if at all.

She has been on  a steady downward slide for the past few years and now it seems to have picked up the pace.

A few weeks back when she was in hospital, I decided to give my husband some reiki and, at the same time, send some to his Mum. I have had some amazing reiki sessions with my husband, the outpouring of love between us has been incredibly mindblowing and the effect has lasted for days, sometimes weeks, but again, it doesn't happen every time.

Part way through our session I started feeling really strange...... couldn't -stand- up -any -longer- need-to-lie -down-right-now-strange. So I told hubby and went to lie down in the same room and continue sending him distance reiki. Straight away I get the voice in my head going "stroke, stroke, stroke" and I think "uh oh, this isn't good" ( now don't get me wrong, I don't hear voices all the time either ). By this time I am ready to go full on into nap time and hope that I don't wake up paralysed down one side. ( no, I didn't say anything to hubby). when I woke up from my nap ( it was lovely, thanks for asking) I cautiously tested my whole body, yup everything working fine, whew, don't know what that was all about and carried on with my day.

Two hours later we got the call.

Rob's mum had had a stroke. At this point a light-bulb went on over my head as I realised that this probably took place while I was sending her reiki which is why I felt so weird.

Since then I have continued to send her reiki both remotely and while we have been to see her. while all the other brothers and sisters have said that she seems agitated and distressed when they visit her, our visits have been peaceful and she has looked calm and restful  - no panic attacks, no apnea just sleeping with moments of awareness and recognition.

Can I say for sure that it is the reiki? No.

Do I know in my heart that the reiki is helping her? Absolutely!

On one of our recent visits, while sending her reiki I "saw" her surrounded by angels and the most powerful wave of loving energy came across me that it was hard not to cry. On this visit I also "saw" a big, fluffy dog - there one minute, gone the next. I asked hubby if they had ever had a big dog and he said "no" and I got the name "Sasha"in my head at the same time he said "oh hang on a minute , Mum had a dog called Astra. She went everywhere with Mum." I said "well she is here now"

Yesterday we went for another visit with some of hubby's daughters ( he's got 4) and we all took turns holding her hand and chatting with her as she drifted in and out. At one stage I switched places with one of the girls and slipped my hand in hers at which point she opened her eyes and said "I knew it was you, such a lovely energy" Yup, I had started sending the energy as soon as our hands connected.

Reiki works.

Even when it's not working, it's working.

Even when it seems like nothing is happening or I'm not focusing, it's working.


The more I practise ; on my self, on my husband, on clients, remotely or in person, the better it gets, the deeper it goes, the stronger the connections.

We are all energy and we are all connected. Always.




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99 Things I LOVE!

Sandi over at Deva Coaching wrote a list of 99 things that she loves inspired by Judy Lee Dunn so since I love a challenge I decided to do it too.

What about you can you list 99 things that you love?                        

1. (1)    The smell of fresh laundry
   (2)    The sound of babies giggling
   (3)    The smell of rain on sun warmed tiles
   (4)    Roses
   (5)    Fluffy new born chickens
   (6)    Holding hands with my darling
   (7)    Texts from my honey
   (8)    Hearing the sound of my darlings voice when we are apart
   (9)    Snuggling in front of the fire
   (10)Curling up with a good book
   (11)The sound of rain on the roof when you are cosy in bed
   (12)Slipping between clean sheets
   (13)The feel of my bed after a long day
   (14)Soaking in a hot bath
   (15)The taste of fruit picked fresh from the tree and still warm
   (16)The first sip of hot water and lemon in the morning
   (17)Walking through my front door after being away
   (18)The sight of the sea when you have driven a long way to see it
   (19)The first sight of the mountains
   (20) The sound of the tui caling in the morning
   (21)The sound of the tui last thing at night
   (22)Clothes blowing on the line
   (23)The feel of the house after a good spring clean
   (24)Walking barefoot in the grass in the morning dew
   
   
   (25)Walking barefoot on the sand
   (26)The sound of the wind blowing through the trees
   (27)The smell of new books
   (28)Stationary – pens, notebooks, pencils
   (29)Finding money in a coat pocket you haven’t worn for ages
   (30)The smell of a chocolate bar when you first open it
   (31)Chocolate slowly dissolving on your tongue

   

   Spending time with my Grandy's

   (32)The sound of the minions laughing
   (33)Spending the afternoon watching good movies while eating popcorn
   (34)Quotes
   (35)Poetry
   (36)Music by Leonard Cohen
   (37)Chanting mantras
   (38)The smell of citrus blossom
   (39)Seeing someone you love’s face light up when they see you
   (40)Feeling your heart softening and opening when you see you lover
   (41)Long hugs
   (42)Deep kisses
   (43)Re reading a favourite book and discovering new depths to it
   (44)Bookshelves crammed with all my favourite books
   (45)Lazy mornings spent in bed talking with my darling
   (46)Staying in the bath talking until the water gets cold
   (47)Revisiting favourite haunts
   (48)Connecting with my kids via Skype
   (49)Reiki sessions that give new insight into isuse
   (50)Crying at  movies
   (51)Watching reruns of Absolutely Fabulous
   (52)Watching reruns of Friends – even though I know most of the words
   (53)Singing along to songs on the radio – loudly
   (54)Dancing
   (55)Reading stories that move me to tears
   (56)Getting parcels in the mail
   (57)Ordering things online so I get parcels in the mail
   (58)Going for coffee with friends and losing track of time
   (59)Meeting someone for the first time and realising you have a lot in common
   (60)Looking at old photos
   (61)The smell of a fire on a cold night
   (62)Campfires  anytime
   (63)Sitting outside and watching the sunset
   (64)Talking about life with my darling
   (65)Lying in the grass watching the clouds
   (66)The first sip of good wine
   (67)Hot chocolate with marshmallows on a cold day
   (68)The sound of thunder on a summer’s day
   (69)Watching lightning flash across the night sky
   (70)The feel of a baby’s skin
   (71)The smell of a new born baby
   (72)The feel of a warm fresh laid egg
   (73)The taste of raw milk
   (74)The smell of the sea air
   (75)Waking up from a full nights sleep
   (76)The smell of pine trees
   (77)Laughing so loud you make the pig noise
   (78)Laughing so hard you can’t breathe
   (79)Sneezing so loud it echoes
   (80)Road trips
   (81)Hugs from my grandchildren
   (82)The smell of clothes when you iron them
   (83)The feel of my hair when it is freshly washed
   (84)The feel of coconut oil sliding over my skin
   (85)Waking to the sound of our rooster crowing
   (86)The smell of new leather shoes
   (87)Memories
   (88)All my rings and trying to decide which ones to wear

   

   Fresh fruit from our trees

   (89)Finding a new ring that fits     
   (90) When the words flow and I have a good day writing
   (91) When a cool breeze blows on a hot sticky day
   (92) Ice cream melting in my mouth
   (93) Picking fruit off our trees
   (94) Watering the garden
   (95) the smell of my favorite incense
   (96) The feel of my darling snuggled into my back in bed
   (97) the sound of my darling breathing in the bed next to me when I wake in the night
   (98) Watching the hawks soar in the thermal updraft
   (99) Green smoothies
   
   
   
   
   Bonus:
   (100)Making and drinking Kombucha
   (101Fermenting foods in general
   (102)Sex – long, slow, mindblowing sex with my darling
   
   
   
   
   PS this was only supposed to take ten minutes but (a) I don't type that fast and (b) some of them I really had to think about how I wanted to phrase them
   
   
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