I have permission to....

Hands up if you have high expectations!

Yeah me too. Not only do I have high expectations of others, I have high expectations of my self.

I expect my friends to be loyal, to respect my time (like I respect theirs) and not be late when we make arrangements. I expect them to talk to me and not gaze at their cell phones every five minutes. I expect them to be there for me like I am for them. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask... but sometimes it is.


At this time of year we also have high expectations for family gatherings. We all want the picture perfect family gathering; happy families, gorgeous food, lots of presents - we see it on every sit com and television show . Sure there might be a little family upset but nothing that cannot be resolved in a half hour time slot or a one hour movie. ( Unless it is August Osage County - love that movie. So much more realistic)

The reality is much more like slow burning resentments, crappy presents and people who barely tolerate each other ( or is that just my family???? (Family of origin not my kids who are AWESOME))

But here's the thing you have permission to do things your own way, to not go to family functions unless you actually want to.

In 2012 I wanted to have all my family together just in case the world ended  because my youngest would be heading off overseas the following year and it would be the last opportunity for all of us to gather in one place ( we have seven kids between us so it's not easy to organize). But here's the thing, one by one, for lots of different reasons, the kids canceled. Sure, I was disappointed but if they didn't want to be here I wasn't about to force them or manipulate them or guilt them into coming.


Recently my nine year old granddaughter came to stay for two and a half weeks. I have 11 grandchildren altogether and they all live far away so I get to be the grandma that drops in for flying visits or sends parcels in the mail. Not the Grandma who bakes. Not the Grandma who has the kids for sleepovers. Not the Grandma who goes to school plays.

And to be honest I don't want to be that Grandma. I like swooping in and swooping out. I like hunting for just the right gift ( okay this is getting harder as they get older and I refuse to just give money!). And most of all I like time to myself. Lots of time to myself. Lots and lots.

So I have my granddaughter staying and the weather is crap and I have a long list of "Shoulds" going on in my head..... a long long list.

So I take a deep breath and let it go and with it all my expectations of how this "should" be and how I "should" be. Because the reality is this is me and I have permission to be my most awesome self.

I have permission to be the kind of Grandma that I am ..... rather than squash myself into to some Grandma shaped mold.

I have permission to not want to do crafts...... because I suck at them.


I have permission to put movies on for her to watch so I can catch up on my writing... because I'm a write and I need to get that shit down on paper ( well, computer screen)

I have permission to be me.

My question you is where are you not giving yourself permission to be you?

Where are you compromising to the point that you don't feel like yourself any more?

Where have you bent so far that you feel like you are going to break?

The Ultimate gift you can give yourself this Christmas is permission to be authentically yourself, to say "No", to "yes" if that's what floats your boat, to be unapologetically YOU!.

This is it. Your Permission Slip. Go be awesome.


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Things I've learned from grief

I am a writer.

Most of the time I try to convince myself otherwise.

My writing isn't good enough. I don't have any inspiration. The ideas just aren't flowing. Blah blah., blah.

Today I spent sitting in front of my computer screen trying to come up with an idea for a blog, or even a newsletter or some ideas for new products I'm working on and I came up with precisely nothing.

Nada.

Zip.

Zero.

I took a break. Made myself a cup of tea. Went and hung out with my chooks. Still nothing. I did some housework ( I hate housework so I know it's serious when that becomes an option) Still nothing.

I started cooking and ended up with a lovely meal but still no inspiration.

Finally I took myself off to bed, otherwise known as my happy place, and prepared to drift off to sleep.

BINGO! Now we have ideas flooding in. And this is when the argument with my Muse kicks in "I'll remember this in the morning" ( that never works _ how many great ideas have I lost by declaring this? Countless) "No, I really will remember this" Yeah she's not letting me off that easy. so here I am sitting at my keyboard, eyes stinging and ready for sleep so let's see how this  goes.

Grief is a bitch

My mother in law passed away in January. she fell sick in December and within four short weeks she was gone. A week later my brother  who had been struggling with cancer went into hospital, two weeks later he passed away too.

January and February have been a constant round of family visits, texts, phone calls, Skype sessions, hospital visits and I can't believe we are in March already.

So what have I learned from all of this?  Lots.

(1) Life is short

It doesn't matter if you are 85 or 56 life is over before you know. The trouble is we think we have time. We talk about "getting around"to things. We put off doing what we want to because now is not the right time when in reality right now is all you have. Today.

Because tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

A young friend of mine's husband had a car accident a week or so ago. Their lives will never be the same. Her husband has already undergone numerous surgeries with still more to come. The previous weekend they had posted pictures of them out having fun and now it is hospital updates.

Life is short. Go do all those things that you are waiting to do. Now is the time. NOW!


(2) People are awesome

We can all get a little jaded and think that the world sucks...... and some of the time it does.

But on the whole people are awesome.

You will be amazed at the people who are there for you when the chips are down........ and at the ones that you thought you could count on who disappear into the woodwork.

Focus on the ones who are there for you because they are the ones that really matter.

(3) Grief brings out the worst... and the best in people

It's amazing how it happens. And it always seems to. Weddings and Funerals bring up all the old family shit.

Mainly because it never goes away.

It just lies deep enough beneath the surface that everyone can pretend it has been dealt with. We all want to sweep it under the rug and pretend that we are okay with it all but we aren't and so it rises to the surface when every ones emotions are at the for, either in joy or in pain.

Far better to deal with whatever family shit there is ( and there is always some) before it rears it's ugly head at the wrong time.

Although even this doesn't always work as I know only too well

(4) Sometimes just being there is the most important thing

Sitting holding someone's hand as they are preparing to transition can be the most powerful and transformative thing that you do - for you and for them.

I didn't get to be with my brother due to family issues. I did get to text him... which was nowhere near the same but the best that I could do.

I did get to sit with my mother in law and hold her hand and leaving her was the hardest thing to do... even though she had other family members with her.

Sometimes just being there is all you need to do. You don't need to speak. Your presence is enough.

(5) In the end only love matters

Letting others know that you love them is vital for everyone, regardless of the stage of life that you are at.

It is the one thing that we all need to hear... every day.

It shouldn't be hard to say and we shouldn't wait until the last days of our lives to tell those that we love them how much they mean to us. Sadly, a lot of us still do. Don't be one of them.

(6) Self Care is important

We've been taught that it is selfish. It isn't.

Do whatever it is that you need to do to be the healthiest; in mind, body and spirit, that you can be. It is your life that you are living and you get to decide what it is that you need and what is important to you. Nobody can take that away from you so don't surrender your needs for the sake of pleasing someone else.

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Shit happens ..... and a 5 step guide to coping when it does

Shit happens.

Sometimes with monotonous regularity.

And it seems that this year, for a lot of people I know, has started particularly shitty. It seems like everyone is going through some epic stuff.

Now I know that I was all geared up for an epic start to the year; I was bursting with creative ideas for blog posts, meditation classes and was getting geared up for the launch of my self love club. Then my mother in law went into hospital on boxing day. My mother in law has become very, very special to me over the past few years. She is/was one of the few places of pure unconditional love  and acceptance in my  life and seeing her in such distress and hooked up to various machines was a great shock.

The month of January passed in a blur of text messages, phone calls, family visits and hospital visits. We all spent time sitting with her,  holding her hand, and, in my case, sending her reiki. Finally at the end of the month she passed away and we moved into the grieving process and caring for our father, father in law.

A week to the day after she passed I got the phone call that my brother's struggle with cancer was drawing to a close. He had been battling for 15 months and was now on a downhill slide. Again it was around of phone calls and texts but this time no family visits as I am estranged from most of my family of origin (Foo). He passed away yesterday with no fanfare, no funeral and  for me no family gathering but at least I got to say goodbye.

And I am not the only one.

While my mother in law was going through her turmoil her daughter was dealing with a breast cancer scare. My sister in laws brother has been diagnosed with throat cancer. A friend's father went into hospital with serious complications just days after her husband had a motorbike crash.

On and on it goes, shit at every turn. Let's not forget the turmoils in the world; Ukraine, Syria, major upheavals and unrest all round.

So when life is handing us a shit sandwich ( yes, shit is my new favorite word, thanks for asking) how do we keep ourselves from descending into a deep pit of despair?
Survival Tips
Great question! And here are my survival tips. These are what have kept me sane, grounded and functioning over the past two months. ( Ok sane might be a bit of a stretch!)

(1) It's ok to grieve;

Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling. It doesn't matter whether you are grieving something major or something small, you are entitled to feel what you are feeling. This gem was passed onto me by my awesome hairdresser after a not so great haircut from one of the other hairdressers in his salon. I was explaining why  I wasn't happy with the cut and he said "You are entitled to feel what you feel".

Just like that. No justification necessary.

(2) Surround yourself with positive people;

As they say before you diagnose yourself with depression just make sure you are not in fact, surrounded by arseholes ( that's assholes to you Americans, same thing different spelling)

It is important to spend time with people who acknowledge and accept your feelings instead of dismissing them as trivial or unwarranted. These people are treasures and should never be taken for granted.

(3) Spend time in nature;

I live on a three acre block of land with a view of the sea . Walking around our orchard, feeding our chickens or just watching them be chickens fills me with a great sense of peace. A few days after my mother in law passed I had a flock of swallows and a group of dragonflies swooping and diving right outside my office window for a good fifteen minutes.

It really is the little things that heal your soul. Do whatever you can to spend time in nature.

(4) Meditate

In whatever way that you can spend some quiet time with yourself. Talk to your angels, God or whatever beings you believe in. Leave some space for them to answer and pay attention to any signs that come your way. This might be in the form of song lyrics, a feather on your path, butterflies, dragonflies or any other way messages show up for you.

If you don't feel like you have time to meditate than you need to make that time even more. Our lives need to be simplified more and more not overcomplicated so now might be a good time to skip a tv show and meditate instead.

(5) Practice gratitude

We have so much to give thanks for, every day. We have gotten so used to the luxury of our modern lives that we forget that there are still large parts of the world without running water, let alone hot and clod running water in their homes. Electricity, the internet, cellphones, cars an unlimited supply of food readily available at the local supermarket, the list is long. Then we have our healthy bodies with a complete set of fully functioning parts; you just need to speak to one person in hospital to realise what a gift that is.

Ok i said there was only 5 steps but here is a bonus for reading this far:

 (6) Practice kindness

Nothing is more guaranteed to get you out of your funk than to do something nice for someone else. It can be as simple as smiling at a stranger or letting someone go ahead of you at the checkout line or paying someone a compliment. Simple. Effective. And with a side bonus of making you feel better.

For more tips on how to be kind to you check out my blog on the 10 commandments for self love

Come and check out my Facebook page  where we are doing 100 days of Self Love

The Power of "Thank you"

I have been keeping a Gratitude journal for years. Well, mostly in fits and starts. Some weeks I do it every day and then somehow I fall of the wagon and days, sometimes weeks or even months go past without a single gratitude entry. And here's the funny thing ( not funny haha, just funny/strange) when I am doing my gratitude everyday my life flows better.

I notice things to be grateful for; the soft rain after days of sunshine, a warm fire when it's freezing outside, new flowers on my rose bushes, birds flying up to my window to say "hi" and always, a;ways my darling for being awesomely himself.

Then life starts getting busier. I am happier, calmer and more grounded and somehow the ritual of writing in my gratitude diary falls by the way side.

That is until this year.

This year I made a conscious choice to continue the practice all year. I even added in an extra component, a gratitude jar. I had a large flagon that my father in law had given me ( actually he gave me three - lucky me! thanks Bill!) and I started to write down things that happened each day or week that I was grateful for, I wrote them on little post it notes and I will take them out on New Years Eve to look back over my year and see just how blessed I truly am.

But mostly I write in my journal. I also created the 100 days of Gratitude over  on my Facebook page , come over and join us, we are on day 63!! This has been a great way to keep the focus on gratitude and share it with my followers. The lovely part has seeing how they are joining in and sharing what they are grateful for too.

At Christmas time I start feeling all mooshy and grateful for all the people who have helped me throughout the year and one of the ways I share this is by sending them "thank you"notes or buying them chocolate
 ( because that's the same thing, right? ). I do this for my hairdresser, my accountant, our postie  and , when I lived in town, the guys who picked up the recycling (only I got them beer).

Gratitude is one of the highest vibrations

You see, it is so easy to take people for grated. Sure, I am paying those people to do a job for me and all of them do it well so isn't it worth acknowledging how much you appreciate the work they do for you by giving them a gift? To say "hey I really value and appreciate the work you do for me?". Because, let's face it, everyone like to know that they are appreciated.

And here's the funny thing about showing appreciation; you feel good, they feel good and (wait for it) anyone who sees the exchange also feels good. How cool is that? Everyone gets a boost of feel good hormones coursing through their bodies, which boost the immune system, lowers the blood pressure and generally just makes you go all mooshy and lovey dovey inside.

Now, if you believe in the Law of attraction ( which you should, because it is a law, just like gravity. Uh oh things are getting a bit woo woo in here, brace yourselves) what you will begin to notice is that as you express more gratitude you will find more things to be grateful for. You will realize that you are already blessed with an abundance of good things in your life and begin to feel more content with yourself, your relationships and life in general.

Gratitude can change the world

All this from the simple act of writing down what you are grateful for, each day.

One of the things I give thanks for each and every day is my husband. Which makes me more loving towards him, which in turn makes him more loving towards me ( you see how this can spiral out of control can't you?)

Not noticing all that your partner does for you can lead to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction but by simply acknowledging what they are doing, thanking them verbally and also in your journal, shifts the energy noticeably and in a short space of time.

Gratitude has the power to transform your life and the lives of those around you. It is simple, effective and costs next to nothing

So who do you need to say "thank you"to?  What and who are you grateful for? Now is a good time to let them know.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Thank you for sharing it  ( you are sharing it, right?) Thanks for coming over and liking my Facebook page. Oh and thanks for leaving a comment, I love hearing from you guys!!

10 Random Facts about ME

I am a great fan of The Militant Baker and she just posted 10 random facts about her and I'm going to play her game and post some random facts about me.

If you have been following my blog you already know quite a bit about me; I'm married, I have three sons and four step daughters and a basquillion grandchildren ( well, it feels like it when they all come visit). So what I'm going to post now are totally random and all totally true.

(1) I've broken my left arm four times!

The first was when my sister pushed me down the stairs ( I was three). Apparently, I was in her way and wouldn't move so she pushed me. ( Funnily enough, in a totally unrelated way, I no longer speak to her). The second time I fell off a skateboard, the third was falling off a jungle gym and the fourth was a boy standing on my jandal (flipflop) while I was running away from him. For a while there all we seemed to be ding was taking me to the hospital to get my arm put in a cast. I think I was my mother's worst nightmare.
My eldest son broke his arm falling out of a tree and a tiny little bone at the base of the thumb falling off a skateboard. Anyone would think we are a family of klutzes.

(2) I never really learned to swim.

I can dog paddle and splash around a bit in the water but swimming just isn't for me although I do love playing in the pool. I don't like putting my head under water.

My Mum  took me to special swimming lessons when I was 11 but I still never got the hang of it.

(3) I don't like wearing sandals with w piece between your toes.

I was traumatized with the whole jandal-wearing-arm-breaking thing and loathe the feeling of something between my toes. ICK!

(4) Armpit hair is my friend.

I know this will gross some of you out but I don't shave under my arms. There I said it!  The sensation just makes me want to throw up. Yeah I could get them waxed but pffft I like it so, yeah it ain't going to happen. The only part of my hair that gets shaved is my legs and then only sporadically.

With the whole Brazilian-craze and total de-hairing of the body I guess I just missed the memo. And guess what? the world didn't end and I still get laid on a regular basis!!

(5) I still watch Friends.

I have watched it since it began and whenever it plays on repeat ( which it does almost continuously in NZ) I still watch it and I still laugh. A lot!.

I sing the theme song and clap at the appropriate times.  I can just about repeat what they are going to say but I still enjoy it.

Whenever I move furniture in my house I invariably go "Pivot, Pivot" at some point ( if you've ever watched Friends you will know what I mean. If not, well I just feel sad for you)

(6) I love my breasts.

Even though they are not as pert as they once were, they are still frickin' awesome! Wearing low or v-neck clothes works for me and I flaunt them as much as I can.

(7) I've been blogging on and off for about 4 years.

I've had personal blogs, business blogs and just ranty blogs. The truth is I always wanted to be a writer and now that I have found my voice I am totally loving the shit out of it.

(8) I've posed for nude photos.

Back in my skinny days a male friend asked if I would pose nude for him as he was wanting to get into nude photography. I loved all his black and white work and so I said yes. It was one of the most awesome experiences of my life.

(9) I've been a catwalk model.

When I was a teenager I always wanted to be a model but I didn't have the confidence.

A few years back a local fashion boutique in our town started running a yearly fashion show with all local ladies as models. Some of them had been models in the past. The guy organizing it wanted a diverse range of sizes and ages and asked me to model for him . I  did it for a couple of years and it was  great fun and a great confidence booster.

(10) I have been working on  the Love your Body Revolution program for far too long!!

It started out as a set of cards, like an oracle deck, but I kept putting it back in the "too hard"basket for years. Now that I have developed it into a program with all sorts of bells and whistles I am getting really excited to finish it and get it out on to the market to help women start loving their gorgeous ( whether they know it or not) bodies.

Shhhh! Don't tell.

Secrets are insidious.

When you grow up with domestic violence or sexual abuse or any other form of abuse there is an unwritten rule that you don't tell.

Growing  up I assumed that what happened at our house was normal. Kids got the strap at school so it kind of was normal but there was an underlying tension in our home that I felt keenly, like you were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That tension has never really left me.

But it's the secrecy, that unspoken rule, that what happens at home doesn't get discussed outside. EVER.

I broke that rule.

It took me until I was an adult, with kids of my own, who had already grown up and left home.

Sure, we had talked about it amongst ourselves. When we were kids. When were twenty-somethings sitting around drinking coffee on the deck on a summer afternoon. And we all agreed that confronting the parents was just not an option.

They were old.

It wouldn't make any difference and why put them through it.

Until one day it all came to a head.

One of my sisters and I had  fallen out over some ridiculous thing ( as you do) and hadn't spoken for years
 ( as you do). We had emailed back an forth. I had apologised ( which to this day she still denies me ever doing). Numerous times  but to no avail.

But now I was getting married. Happy days!!  ( not quite)

My Mum wanted to know who I was inviting and why I wasn't inviting my sister.

Long ( painful, agonizing) story, short, my sister came to visit ( so much, much more to this but hey we all want to get to the end right?) . Words were spoken, back and forth and then she hit me, hard across the face. In my home. With her daughter and her fiancée standing right there. And then she left.

Then I got the letter saying my parents wouldn't be coming to the wedding.

So, ( oh fateful day) I rang them to ask why, WHY? they found it acceptable for her to come into my home and hit me.

Ahhh then it came out. she had lied and said I wouldn't let her in the house and blah blah blah, all so very tedious to report now.

And then out of my mouth came the words "Well I guess coming from a house full of anger and violence, you would think it was ok"
Cue much spluttering and denial and "You take that back"etc and then I hung up. Knowing I would probably never talk to them again. And I was right.

Oh there have been many angry letters demanding that I go and apologize, calling me all sorts of names. I haven't replied.

It has divided the family and sent me into a deep, deep depression. Everyone is taking sides ( whether they think they are or not). I have been told, in no uncertain terms that I am no longer part of the family and with each passing year that becomes more true.

My brother ( who bore the brunt of the anger)was diagnosed with cancer late last year ( I found out weeks later) and now he has gone through several rounds of chemo and still the rift is too deep and wide for anyone to breech.

I found out this week that after nearly a year of chemo my brother had packed his bags and disappeared. That was sometime last weekend. I found out on Wednesday.

Why so many days after he went missing?

Because I no longer count as family.

Because I broke the rules and spoke out about what happened in our family.

Because I upset my parents and they are old. Funny thing is they are never going to get any younger because, well they had to be older than me to have me in the first place.

Because secrets are damaging and the more secrets there are the more you have to hide. And we musn't upset the parents because they are old.

Well guess what? The last time I checked we are all ADULTS and capable of dealing with life's situations. Only apparently that doesn't apply to my family where we still tiptoe around in case someone, some grown ups feeling gets hurt because heaven forbid we should upset them. Even though growing up in that house, with that anger, just barely concealed beneath the "normal family"veneer damaged all of us ( though we aren't supposed to talk about that either).

So secrets are dangerous things and if you are not careful they may just overtake your life.

Or get you kicked out of a family for voicing them.

And even writing this I worry about the rifts that may occur if someone reads it  but you know what ? It is better to let it all out, shine some light and love on to the gaping wound , and let it heal. One way or another secrets need to be heard,


IF you or someone you know is living with a secret that needs to be heard please contact Women's Refuge  0800 733843 in New Zealand or
Domestic Violence Hotline in the US

How to fall in love with your partner madly, passionately, deeply

Graphic by Karen Salmansohn

I am in the midst of a total love-fest with my honey at present and it has been like this for a few weeks now. It's hard to put my finger on when it actually started but now we are completely heart deep in amongst it so we are not complaining.

There are, however, certain things that we do on a regular basis to nurture and deepen our love for each other.

These are so ingrained in us that if one or the other accidentally forgets the whole day feels off somehow. To me these are the very fundamentals for any good relationship, whether it is with your significant other, your children ( when they are young and when they have left to start families of their own) or your friends.

"I love you"

Yup, just say it .

Every day.

 All day.

Anytime you feel it let it flow right out of your mouth and into the ears of those that need to hear it.

My husband never leaves the house without knowing that I love him and he does the same for me. You never know when it might be the last time you get to say it. Shit happens. so make sure those that you love KNOW that you love them.

Now some of you may be thinking : "They know I love them , I don't have to say it"

Yes, yes, you do!!

I grew up in a home where those words were never said and vowed that my own kids would not have the same experience. It is important so like the Nike ad says "Just do it"


Hug it out!

Once you have said "I love you" round it out with a great big hug

Humans crave touch, it is built right into our DNA. Many studies have been done on the importance of touch.
In fact in one case it literally brought a baby back to life
watch it here

When I first joined my husband's family hugging was not the norm. By this stage I had made it a habit to hug family and friends whenever they arrived or left so I included his parents into the mix.

At first they were a bit uncomfortable but they soon got used to it and even began to look forward to it.

Now they are both 85 and they look forward to their hugs and regularly tell me how much they love me too, much to my husband's  surprise.

Express Gratitude

Every day tell your darling how grateful that you are for something that they have done for you.  a bonus benefit of this is they will start to do more - without you even having to ask!!! True story!

My darling regularly empties the rubbish bin and takes it outside ( now I just need him to replace the liner in the bin - we are getting closer, he does it 8 out of ten times now).

He also loads and unloads the dishwasher, makes me cups of tea and picks in the laundry if it looks like rain - no nagging required.

Why?

Because I have made it a habit to tell him how thankful I am for all the little things he does for me. He knows how much I appreciate and value how he shows up in my life and he does the same for me. Every night he tells me what a great meal I have made for him.

Every. Night.

Regardless  if it is macaroni cheese or roast lamb with all the trimmings. Doesn't matter. as far as he is concerned I am the best cook in the world.

Listen

One of the things that I absolutely adore about my husband is the way in which he gives me his complete attention whenever I am talking.

He makes eye contact and really listens.


Now he may be just going " Blah, blah, blah " in his head but I'm pretty sure he isn't. He is interested in what I have to say.

I have to admit I have not always been great at doing the same for him but I am making much more of an effort now that I see how much of his attention he gives me when I talk ( attention whore that I am)

Start practicing these four things and watch how your relationship transforms.

Then come and tell me about it on my Facebook page

Letting Go Part Two

I've been a bit quiet lately. My youngest son moved home for the month of February before he headed off overseas so I have been spending a lot of time connecting with him.

Yesterday I took him to the airport and said good bye. Not entirely sure when I will get to see him again. Any of you who are parents and have experienced this will  know what I'm talking about.

When they move out of home to go flatting  you know that  there will be visits home, whether it's for Christmas or weddings or just because, kids always come home. But when they head off overseas they are off for the adventure of a lifetime.

It has almost become a rite of passage for Kiwi (New Zealand) kids. We are so far from everything that , inevitably, the kids head off overseas. Some come home after a few years and some never do.

My son was an accident. He was the baby I had when I was separated from his father. He has always been my boy as his father and I never got back together. sure he has had contact with his dad. His father was there at his birth and stuck around in NZ for the first few months before heading back to the US. And that has been the pattern throughout my son's  life, Dad would drop in for a few months, the kids would go visit him and then he would return to the US.

My current husband met me when I was pregnant and has been a constant in our lives ever since. He is the man that has raised my youngest son, although my son has always known exactly who his father is, I made sure of that. I took photos of them together and hung them by his bed and every nap time and every bed time we talked about who that man in the picture holding him was, from 5 months onwards.

It is only recently that my son has told me about how much he felt he missed out by never living with me and his Dad together as a family. I always knew that it would be an issue but never realized the full impact on him. He would hear his brothers talk about things we had done as a family and he felt excluded.

I did my best. I gave him a family with my husband and his daughters but it is never the same.

So my son has set off to the US to live with his Dad for a while and sort out his relationship to this man who is his father, who has never fathered him. I know that this is what he needs to do. I know that this is vital for him to fully grow into the man he is meant to be. I have known that this was going to happen at some point from the time he went to visit his Dad for 6 weeks when he was 11. He came home from that trip and told me "I'm a city kid and I want to live over there one day".

I have been mentally preparing myself for this day.

It still takes some adjusting to. as I've said before letting go is never easy.

Letting Go

I was emptying the rubbish bag today while I was ruminating on writing a blog.

I spoke to my brother yesterday. No big deal, right?  This was the brother that my father used to beat.

The brother who left ( fled?) home as soon as he could. I think he was 18. He didn't just leave home, he left the country. He moved back to England and lived there for a long time.

When he left home he left us all behind. Sure he wrote the occasional letter home to Mum but the rest of us never heard from him. And that is the way it has stayed. He stayed connected to Mum and Dad but ignored the rest of us.

I totally understood ( well, as much as I could). He had taken the beatings and abuse, we hadn't. Sure there were the odd family gatherings after he came back to NZ but they were few and far between. He came and stayed with my (then ) husband and I a couple of times but really we were more like a hotel for him. There were no deep and meaningful conversations.
He rang my eldest sister once ( she's a couple of years younger than him. I'm 6 years younger) but he never rang again. He struggled with the family all talking about things , gossiping , he called it.

In October I got a text from my sister telling me that he was in hospital. Numerous texts later it was revealed that he has cancer. It started in his pancreas and was now in his liver. Inoperable.

I am an empath.

I work in the mind/body field.

I work with energy.
 I am a healer. None of this surprised me.

Years of denying, suppressing and ignoring your emotions will do that to you. Drowning them with alcohol, numbing them with drugs and putting on the happy face may feel good at the time, but ultimately we all have to deal with our shit.

So back to me emptying the rubbish bin. as I dragged the bin liner out of the bin, part of it caught on the inside rim causing the whole bag to rip open and all the rubbish cascaded over my feet. It made me realize that , at some point, we all have to let go. Our sacks of rubbish; all the crap parts of our story, all the hurts, all the anger, at ourselves or others, all of it has to go.
Now letting go sounds like a gentle, passive, lovely thing to do .

It's not.

It involves digging deep, dragging those memories that you have stuffed down ; deep, deep down inside to the bright light of day. Examining them, turning them this way and that. Questioning yourself, questioning everything that you remember, trying to look at it from all perspectives.

If letting go was as simple as just opening your hand an releasing it then we would all be free from our baggage.

Ever since I heard that my brother has cancer I have been clearing junk out of my own mind, body and energy field. Cleansing , purging, releasing. It has been like being on an emotional roller coaster, crying great gasping sobs some day and other more like tears leaking out quietly all day, and the waking up feeling all is right with the world.

It has also manifested as a pain in my chest and issues with breathing. so lets take a look at the physical issues for me and my brother. The heart is obviously about love and feeling heartbroken ( and even as I type this the tears are welling up). Even though I didn't get beaten the abuse has had a huge impact on my life and I now realize that this is because I feel, intensely what others are going through. Lungs are to do with repressed grief, hmmm no surprise there. I have grieved for a lost childhood, when my brother left home I "lost"him too, i have grieved for the "ïdea" of how families are supposed to be. so yes to lots of grief.

My brother on the other hand has issues in his pancreas which, according to Louise Hay, is about not being able to process the sweetness of life. I would say that is a definite yes, life doesn't taste so sweet when the people who are supposed to have your back and cherish you are in fact beating the crap out of you for random misdemeanors.

The liver is about the father and repressed anger and hostility. Yup, another big tick on that one.

So how do you let it all go?

Ahh well now that is the $64,000,000 question. and as with all things in life there is now one size fits all..

I have been working with the lovely ladies, Amanda and Juli of The Goddess Imperative and have joined their G Force club.

I have been practicing Reiki on myself regularly and Amanda has also been doing her Remote Reiki on me. any good therapist will tell you that you cannot do it all your self, even healers need healing.

I meditate daily.

I practice EFT on myself.

I journal

I am my number one priority right now and being gentle with myself as I move through this process is vital.

Talking to my brother was very healing and I plan on connecting with him more in the coming days.

Love and forgiveness are the real keys to any healing work and at present they are my new BFF's

If you are going through any issues personal or in your relationship at present and would like some assistance I am still taking limited appointments. Click on the Bookings tab above.

Things I've learned about domestic violence

Things I learned before I was 7:

(1) Keep your head down

As far as anyone knows we are a nice, normal family ( that's me on the end)

(2) Don't make eye contact

(3) Be a good girl

(4) Beatings happen at school too so it must be normal

(5) How to read body language so you can gauge the mood of everyone in a room

(6)  How to read the vibration in the home so you know whether to venture out of your room

(7) Be quiet

(8) Make yourself small

(9) The house feels different when dad is not around

(10) Anger is not ok

Things I learned in in my teens:

(1) Leave home as soon as you can ( my brother left when I was 13 and he never had much to do with the rest of us after that)

(2)  Leaving can be dangerous (when my eldest sister tried to leave home Dad broke her boyfriends nose - she left anyway)

(3) Even if the guy looks and seems nothing like you father, he might be exactly the same

(4) Emotional and psychological abuse leave no physical marks

(5) Being called a "whore"by your father never really leaves you

(6) Marrying a guy covered in tattoos, wears leathers and chains probably not the smartest decision you'll ever make.

Things I learned in my twenties: 

First child before I was 21

(1) Moving away from home is still not far enough

(2) Moving to be near his family not a great idea

(3) Isolation means you have no escape

(4) Being called a "bitch"often enough bounces off you after awhile

(5) Just because he married you doesn't mean he will stand up for you against (a) his family or (b) his friends. You really are on your own

(6)  When you finally leave him  your father will say "I never liked him anyway" and "All (insert husbands surname here) are bastards anyway" in front of your children who bear that name and when you point this out replies "Well we'll  just have to see how they turn out"

(7) You are stronger than you realise

(8) You are  more like your father than you realise

(9) Apologising to your kids when you yell to loud or (still makes me cringe) when you hit them (only once but still makes me feel ill) means you are actually better and more loving than your father ever was

Things I learned in my thirties:
 (1) even after you leave he will make you feel small and useless as a mother

Me with my three sons

(2) All the justifications that you have made for the violence when you were young are not true - it wasn't just until I was8, it affected all of us and lots of fathers work hard but aren't violent

(3) All the anger you have stored inside you will start to leak out and your kids will say you are an angry person

(4) Your kids will also know how much that they  are loved because you will tell them daily and hug them too

(5) You can find love again , with a great man

Things I learned in my forties:
(1) Healing takes time

(2) Embracing your shadow, realising that you are angry too takes all the power away from it

(3) Letting go of anger and resentment and forgiving yourself is a lifetime of work and is totally worth it

(4) Facing up to your family and letting them know how the violence affected you will mean that you lose your family of birth because they are still totally immersed in denial. Getting ok with that will take time.

(5) Finding your soul family will be the most healing of all

(6) Loving yourself is vital

My wedding, with all of our kids (one missing)

(7) Blending a family together takes time but is worth it.

(8) Seeing your kids grow into awesome men and beautiful women means the cycle can be broken and that LOVE wins






Things I know: 

(1) - (10) Violence is never ok.

If you are experiencing violence in your home please take action. Talk to someone, anyone because it is more common than you realise and people will help you if you let them. There is no shame involved, it happens in all walks of life and it can be life threatening. Nobody deserves it, no matter what the perpetrator says.