Flex your Intimacy Muscle

It can happen to anyone. One minute your relationship is coasting along just nicely; you feel connected on all levels, you feel like your partner is the best in the whole world, the sex is awesome and life couldn't be better. Next thing you know the wheels have completely fallen off; you are constantly arguing, nothing your partner does is right, you don't know why you got married in the first place and you are wondering what the hell happened.

It doesn't matter if you have been together for 5 months, 5 years or fifty years (ok after fifty years I'm pretty sure you will have this stuff sussed)

How do we go from being all loved up one minute to barely being able to stand being in the same room the next?

It is quite simple really.

We take each other for granted. We stop noticing all the little things that our partner does for us each day. Instead we focus on all the annoying little habits; they left the toilet seat up ... again, they squeezed the toothpaste in the middle instead of from the bottom, they left their wet towel on the floor or they didn't take the garbage out.

My pet peeve with my husband is he hangs his wet towel over the shower instead of on the towel rail. And do you know what I do about it? Nothing.

Why because in the words of Wayne Dyer "You can be right or you can be happy."

Most of us choose to be right, which doesn't make for a happy home life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to give your partner a free pass all the time. I am saying let's focus more on the good things and let some of the small stuff go.

It is a slippery slope when we focus on all the petty irritations in life; the more we look for them the more we will find.

Conversely the more we focus on the good things the more we see of those too; he texts us when he's going to be late, she cooks our favorite meal and has it waiting for us, he helps you pick in the laundry when its raining, he stacks the dishwasher after dinner, he kisses us and tell us how beautiful we are when he gets home from work.

Small gestures = big rewards

It is the little things that happen every day that lead us towards a deeper intimacy .... or away from it. There is a lovely story about the day a husband forgot to kiss his wife before he left for the day
( Please note I realize not all husbands go out to work and not all wives stay home. As a woman who works from home this is my reality. If it isn't yours just substitute whatever works for you).

Meanwhile back at the story: Hubby leaves the house without kissing his wife, she gets grumpy and snaps at her child , child gets grumpy and  snatches a toy from the toddler, toddler gets grumpy and pulls the cats tail. All for the sake of one ten second smooch.

It is so ingrained in my husband that he kiss me when he leaves and when he gets homes  that on the
(odd) time when he forgets he will ring me as soon as he gets to work because he felt something was off shortly after getting in the car. He even makes a point of kissing me if I am still asleep.

Intimacy is waaaaaayyyyy more than just sex

In fact intimacy starts well before you even get to the bedroom. Intimacy is all those little gestures I was talking about; the kiss before you leave for the day and when you reunite,  random hugs, affectionate strokes as you pass by, texts during the day or , better yet, actual phone calls just to say "hi". All these small gestures let he other person know that you are thinking of them and so the intimacy grows.

Intimacy is sharing all your doubts and fears and feeling that you will be heard and not judged. Creating a safe space for each other to be open and vulnerable will not only grow and develop your intimacy but will also forge a strong bond between the two of, an "us against the world" united front of security and bonding.

Intimacy is something that you have to work at, it is a muscle that requires constant use or it will become flabby and out of shape. Not a great shape for any muscle to be in.

"I don't have time"

Really? You don't have time for a peck on the cheek? Or the time to send a text saying "I love you and miss you xx".  What about the time to snuggle with your partner as you watch a favorite show together ( or, if you are determined to build more intimacy, to snuggle while watching a program he loves  -even if its not a fave of yours)? 

None of these things take much effort but the increase in bonding will be, as they say in the Mastercard ad, PRICELESS.



Want more tips?
Then check out my other blog post  How to fall in love with your partner, madly, passionately, deeply

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The greatest gift you can give your partner

There is always one person that you just can't find a gift for.

Often it is our partner but sometimes it can be our parents or a good friend . Even though I said in the title that this gift is the greatest thing you could give your partner it works for other significant people in your life, even your kids. Especially your kids.

This is a clue!

Every one wants to feel special.

To feel that they are loved, lovable and loving.

So how do we give that to people? How do we let them know that they are  loved?

Sure, we can tell them but often the words don't sink in, heart deep.

We can show them by doing things for them, but again that can be easily overlooked.

We can buy them things, which is what we all do at Xmas, but how do you convey depth of feeling with a dollar value? Do you even want to?

We can give hugs and touch and this is always a good place to start. although some people find touch uncomfortable as a means of receiving love. Especially if they have issues with past abuse.

These are all worthwhile and loving things to add into any relationship and if you are not already doing them  then I suggest you get on to it.

No, what I am talking about is giving your presence instead of just presents.

Being fully present  with the people you love means connecting with them, with your eyes, when they are talking. Giving them your full attention. Not just half listening, not thinking of what you are going to say next. Not mentally writing your shopping list or planning on how to fix the clunk in the engine.

Nope, none of that shit.

Just focusing totally on the moment and what is being said, paying attention to the body language and checking in.

Doing this when your 5 year old has something important to share about their day? Priceless gift, because lets face it often we are too busy but if you start this practice with them when they are little  they will still come and tell you about their day when they are 15 or 16.

Doing this with your 15 or 16 year old when they are telling you about their latest conquest on Xbox     (or Playstation) or when they are telling you about what Brittany said that made them feel like  shit and she's such a bitch and .. and ... and? Priceless gift and they will come back again and again to feel validated and heard and possibly even share life changing decisions with you because they know you listen.

Doing this with your parents or in laws when they are in their 70's or 80's and telling you ( again) about their childhood and how different life was back then? Priceless gift because old people need to feel valued too,. Even better? Ask them for advice so they still feel they have something to contribute.

Doing this with your partner as they tell you about their day, in minute detail? Priceless gift and likely to lead to great sex later.

Doing this while having great sex, fully being in the moment, not in your head but connected to your body and your partners body and all the sensations that are taking place, instead of lost in your own little fantasy world? Priceless gift and likely to make the great sex you were having, the best sex you have ever had.

Simple isn't it? Because let's face it we don't really need more things. What we need is a deeper connection with those we love and the easiest way to do that is to give them more of us.



What is the best gift you ever received? Leave me a comment below

The Season of Giving is upon us

I'd settle for the foot massage....... and the orgasm!

Christmas is now breathing down our necks and will be here before you can bat an eyelash. Christmas is about giving and families and celebrating .

When we were little we would write out our wish list of all the things we wanted  Santa to bring us, we knew that we might not get everything on the list. We knew that Santa was assessing whether we had been naughty or nice ( that judgey bastard!) and we were hoping he would let some things slide and still give us what we wanted.

We all know that it is better to give than receive - we've had that drummed into us since we were kids.

A long with the "it's the thought that counts"when faced with a less than fabulous present. We are taught to be grateful for anything that we get.

 These are good and valuable lessons.

But somewhere a long the line we forgot about asking for what we wanted.

We stopped allowing ourselves to compile a "wish list"of things that we wanted.

Instead we got busy giving. Because, apparently, that's what adults do. We give and give and give. This is especially true f you are a mother. In fact it seems to come downloaded with the meeting with the egg and sperm! I am surprised it isn't one of the commandments - "Thou shalt give ...... and then give some more."

What we seem to forget tin this equation is that there is someone on the other end of all that giving - the receiver. Yes, I know I talk a lot about being grateful and yes, that is still important.

What I want to talk about is opening ourselves up to two things (1) asking for what we want and (2) being open enough to actually receive it. Because here's the thing, we tend to have forgotten how to be open enough to really, fully receive what is being offered to us.

Lets talk about compliments, for a start. Most women ( and I am going to be speaking generally because I haven't actually met every women on the planet yet) tend to brush aside compliments. I see it all the time, "Oh I got this dress/outfit/handbag on sale at  ( insert generic store name here)" or "Thanks but look at you. You look amazing!"or  "No, I haven't lost weight. In fact I think I must have gained about 3 pounds this week" or well, pick from a myriad of reasons why a compliment shouldn't be received. ( and yes, I am aware that all those examples relate to looks because as women that seems to be the issue that we are (a) most often complimented on and (b) find the most difficult to hear or accept. See my aside about speaking generally).

Or what about the wrangling that goes on at the local coffee shop over which friend is doing the buying. Each wanting to make sure that the other friend is made to feel special rather thatn accept the generosity offered as a gift from a friend.

Or ( here's where it really gets juicy) what about in bed. Often times we are so focused on giving our partner pleasure that we overlook our own or feel that perhaps we should just fake it as we are obviously taking too long. We forget the fact that men take, on average, about 7 minutes to climax, while we are barely getting warmed up ( women take, on average about 20 minutes to achieve orgasm). So consequently we feel we should be performing better, faster or just differently than how we are currently.

The worse part is that with the proliferation of porn on the internet men are under the ( deluded) idea that all women should be writhing in ecstasy at one mere thrust of their amazing penis ( let's not get into the array of other false impressions that men get from porn or we will be here all day!). And , sadly, there are still some men who  do not know where the clitoris is, let alone the G spot, hell the scientists/doctors/gynecologists can't even agree as to whether we all have on. What the hell is that all about?

Yeah, it's complicated!

That's like saying some people are born with a penis and others aren't ( oh wait, bad example). The fact is all females have a G spot
( mmhmm, *nodding my head*, even you, dear reader. Unless you are a male, in which case "Hi"and happy to have you here!). The fact that nobody has found it in your body, yet (YET!) does not mean that it does not exist. It is not the Yeti ( oh did LOL when I read that last bit back cos it kind of is the Yet -i of locations - nobody has found yours yet!)

And the reason nobody has found your elusive G spot ( if they have congratulations and there probably nothing more for you to see here) is because you have not allowed yourself the pleasure of relaxing into being open to receive.

To open into a place of receiving we have to be willing to surrender, to get out of our head and into our body. We also have to feel that we deserve the pleasure . We have to feel that our partner genuinely wants to please us and is willing to take the time. If they aren't then you have a great indication of just how committed they are to the longevity of your relationship.

Intimacy is something that we develop, that take nurturing and openness and yes, even surrender. We have to be willing to be vulnerable, to ask for what we want and to allow ourselves the time we need to embrace our pleasure.

When you full open into the space of receiving you are opening up and feeding your sense of self worth. Not to mention unleashing all the creativity and inspiration that is stored in lower chakras that can be utilized through orgasm ( yeah, that's whole other blog right there).


Meanwhile back at Christmas, if you are still in the gift buying mode
 ( sitting here smugly having finished all mine ) why not follow my Golden Rule of Gift Buying ( so special it has it's own name and deserve highlighting). Here it is; Buy yourself something nice first.

This was first born when I was a single mother of two darling wee boys
 ( later turned into three but that's another story). I figured if I didn't buy myself presents then who else was going to? And I have kept it up even though I am now happily married. On any gift buying expedition first up is finding a gift for my favorite person in the whole world, Me! With that out of the way I can then focus my attention on thinking about what other people like/want. Otherwise I end up buying all my lady friends things that I really would rather keep for myself.

So tell me do you have trouble receiving? Can you take a compliment? Have you been faking it all these years or are you willing to ask for and get the pleasure you deserve? I would love to hear your feedback


Come over and join us on my Facebook page where we will be kicking of 100 Days of Self Love soon!

The Power of "Thank you"

I have been keeping a Gratitude journal for years. Well, mostly in fits and starts. Some weeks I do it every day and then somehow I fall of the wagon and days, sometimes weeks or even months go past without a single gratitude entry. And here's the funny thing ( not funny haha, just funny/strange) when I am doing my gratitude everyday my life flows better.

I notice things to be grateful for; the soft rain after days of sunshine, a warm fire when it's freezing outside, new flowers on my rose bushes, birds flying up to my window to say "hi" and always, a;ways my darling for being awesomely himself.

Then life starts getting busier. I am happier, calmer and more grounded and somehow the ritual of writing in my gratitude diary falls by the way side.

That is until this year.

This year I made a conscious choice to continue the practice all year. I even added in an extra component, a gratitude jar. I had a large flagon that my father in law had given me ( actually he gave me three - lucky me! thanks Bill!) and I started to write down things that happened each day or week that I was grateful for, I wrote them on little post it notes and I will take them out on New Years Eve to look back over my year and see just how blessed I truly am.

But mostly I write in my journal. I also created the 100 days of Gratitude over  on my Facebook page , come over and join us, we are on day 63!! This has been a great way to keep the focus on gratitude and share it with my followers. The lovely part has seeing how they are joining in and sharing what they are grateful for too.

At Christmas time I start feeling all mooshy and grateful for all the people who have helped me throughout the year and one of the ways I share this is by sending them "thank you"notes or buying them chocolate
 ( because that's the same thing, right? ). I do this for my hairdresser, my accountant, our postie  and , when I lived in town, the guys who picked up the recycling (only I got them beer).

Gratitude is one of the highest vibrations

You see, it is so easy to take people for grated. Sure, I am paying those people to do a job for me and all of them do it well so isn't it worth acknowledging how much you appreciate the work they do for you by giving them a gift? To say "hey I really value and appreciate the work you do for me?". Because, let's face it, everyone like to know that they are appreciated.

And here's the funny thing about showing appreciation; you feel good, they feel good and (wait for it) anyone who sees the exchange also feels good. How cool is that? Everyone gets a boost of feel good hormones coursing through their bodies, which boost the immune system, lowers the blood pressure and generally just makes you go all mooshy and lovey dovey inside.

Now, if you believe in the Law of attraction ( which you should, because it is a law, just like gravity. Uh oh things are getting a bit woo woo in here, brace yourselves) what you will begin to notice is that as you express more gratitude you will find more things to be grateful for. You will realize that you are already blessed with an abundance of good things in your life and begin to feel more content with yourself, your relationships and life in general.

Gratitude can change the world

All this from the simple act of writing down what you are grateful for, each day.

One of the things I give thanks for each and every day is my husband. Which makes me more loving towards him, which in turn makes him more loving towards me ( you see how this can spiral out of control can't you?)

Not noticing all that your partner does for you can lead to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction but by simply acknowledging what they are doing, thanking them verbally and also in your journal, shifts the energy noticeably and in a short space of time.

Gratitude has the power to transform your life and the lives of those around you. It is simple, effective and costs next to nothing

So who do you need to say "thank you"to?  What and who are you grateful for? Now is a good time to let them know.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Thank you for sharing it  ( you are sharing it, right?) Thanks for coming over and liking my Facebook page. Oh and thanks for leaving a comment, I love hearing from you guys!!

Touch a, touch a, touch me!

 We all need to be touched.

We yearn for it .

We ache for it.

And some of us go to great lengths to get it. Touch, that is.

The name of this blog post is from  The Rocky Horror Picture show Youtube clip.

If you have never seen it go and check it out. The link above is to one of my favorite songs from the show.


However, some of us seem to be under the impression that when men touch it is purely as a prelude to sex or sex related. Consequently a lot of women withdraw or refrain from touching the men in their lives as they don't want to encourage sexual advances.

As women, we have the luxury ( yes, it is a luxury and don't you forget it!) of regular human contact . If we are single we will get hugs from our girlfriends ( and if you are one of my girlfriends you will soon realize that you will get hugged..... a lot!).

We hug.

We rub each others arms.

We put our hands around each others shoulders.

We just reach out and touch each others arms or hands

Hell, I have even been known to walk arm in arm with my BFF's ( yes, I have more than one) when strolling down the street.

Now pause for just a moment and think about any males you may know and ask yourself when was the last time you gave them a hug or a pat on the back or nay other form of affectionate touching. Then ask yourself when did they get that from one of their male friends . The answer is, probably never.

Because it would be considered , well, a bit "gay". And therein lies the problem. Men touching each other is frowned upon. It is seen as  too girly or poofterish ( yeah, I'm not politically correct. Deal with it)

Men on the sports field however will touch and hug and generally release all of their touchy feelings while at the same time being as butch as you like.

But if your man is not a sportsman he isn't getting that kind of interaction. So the touching is, literally, all in your hands

And they need it just as much as we do.

Some of them need it more. They are crying out to be touched, to be held.

Why?


Because it is a basic human need.

 Like breathing.

It is one of the first ways that we start to connect to the world. We, hopefully, are laid on the bare skin f our mother, nurtured and cradled, moments after leaving the womb. It is this connection, this touch that we yearn and crave for all our lives.

When I was a young girl of 11 I would hug my father good night, usually I would sit in his lap. Innocent, natural. But then one day Dad decided that I was now "too old"to sit in his lap. This was the only affection I received from my father on a daily basis and just like that, it stopped.

I was devastated. I couldn't understand why he was rejecting me , because that is what it felt like. What had I done wrong?

Grow up.
 That was the mistake I had made. I was developing breasts round about then so that made me "too old" for affection.

Guess what?

We do this even younger to our boys.

When they are born we cuddle and nuzzle them. As toddlers we hold their hands and stroke their hair and cuddle them. Then, at some point, and it's different in every family, we start being told  by other males or family members to "stop babying him"  or some such nonsense. Sometimes the boys themselves will resist the hugs you give them but deep, deep inside they still want it . They have just learnt that thy have to be tough or brave or manly ( or a long list of stupid words)

The sad thing is, at whatever age it happens, we stop touching them. Whether they are in their early teens or late teens or at some stage before that we just stop.

And the tragedy of it all is this is when they need it most.

I have spoken before about how to raise gorgeous boys and the importance of touch  and sadly, I will probably talk about it again and again until we get the message. Men need to be touched. We all do. It is part of being human.

I have recently met a beautiful woman whose job is all based around touch and you can connect with her here

Love is all there is

I was going to write today about all the things I have learned from watching Breaking Bad but got sidetracked reading several great articles which all had one thing in common, LOVE.

AMC's Breaking Bad

Which isn't that far removed from Walter White, his motivation, at the beginning was love of his family. He just carried away ( to put it mildly).

The problem with Walt was  he had become disillusioned with life. He had fallen out of love with himself a long time ago - back when his partners in Grey Matter bought him out.


And that can happen to all of us.

We can start to just coast through our lives, taking our jobs, our partners and family for granted

Until something shakes us out of it and generally it is something BIG.

Divorce

Cancer

Death

Oh, the list can go on and on. And then we are left with regret, all the things that we wish we had said or done differently . The biggest of these is wishing that we had told the people that matter just how much we love them.

Because, ultimately love is all that matters. To love and be loved is what we all want.

If you have been following my blog you may have read Raising Gorgeous Boys or Tender Touch. You may also know that I come from a troubled background Things I've learned about domestic violence so my life has not been all smiles, hugs and "I love you's"

I no longer connect with most of my FOO ( family of origin) and when I di have contact with them I told them how much I loved them and how grateful I was for who they were and how they fit into my life. Sadly this wasn't enough for them and I am now only welcome if I deny what happened in my past  and I will not keep secrets any longer.

Does this mean I don't love my parents ? No. It means I love them from afar because I love myself more and I'm ok with that. ( slowly. It is a day to day thing. Some days are great others are hard but it is all getting easier)

The love that I have in my life now is awesome and gets better and richer and deeper with every passing day. As good love should.

Love that comes with conditions or secrets is tainted love at best and generally comes from those who have sealed off too much of themselves. They are wounded and hurting and so hurt others in return because they just don't know any better.

Cracking yourself open, being vulnerable, loving with your whole heart is risky. You will get bruised and battered but the rewards are beyond belief when you find that love returned to you by one who has had the courage to do the same.

and after all love really, is all you need.

Sex and Money

There are a few things that most people find difficult to talk about.

One of them is money .

The other is sex.

Yet these two things go together like wine and cheese, peaches and cream, and anything else that is decadent and delicious.

Both of them are to do with our base chakra and the base chakra is all about survival. It is about your roots, where you come from, where you belong and having your basic needs met.
The base chakra is how we connect to Mother Earth and our sense of belonging.

Sex and money.

The world revolves around both of them and 9 times out of 10 if you have issues with one you will have issues with the other.

Why?

Well because they both have a lot to do with giving and receiving. Most of us are good at giving;  we give compliments, we share any excess that we may have whether its from our garden or fruit trees. We love to give. We donate to charities. We share our favorite places to have coffee or find the best outfit. We invite people over to share food with us.

Giving is just part of our nature.

Receiving, on the other hand, is not.

What do you do when someone pays you a compliment?  Do you brush it aside? More than  likely you do.

Or you will pay them a compliment right back.

Instead of just taking a moment to bask in the gift that they just gave you, you rush to give something in return.

This deprives you ........ and them, of the sheer pleasure of giving.

So lets take this back to sex. If you are intent on giving your partner the ultimate  pleasure experience, how open are you to receiving the ultimate pleasure experience at the same time? Chances are you are so focused on them and how they are feeling that your own enjoyment is a secondary concern.

 This is especially true if you are female.

Woman are hardwired to give.... and give ...... and give some more. as mothers that is built right in to our DNA. So when it comes to sex we can find ourselves overly focused on his pleasure.

That is not to say that we are not concerned with our own, we are , but somewhere in the back of our mind is the nagging feeling that  maybe, just maybe we aren't orgasming fast enough. Maybe his fingers, his tongue is getting tired, maybe he is getting bored with how long we are taking.

Why? Because in any sex scene that we see on the television ( or porn. Yes, women do watch porn, shocking but true!) the female is writhing in ecstasy with a mere glance in the males direction and then having a mind blowing orgasm in seconds ( usually in complete sync with the male counterpart. Because that happens all the time in real life, right?).

Now this is not to say that men don't suffer from this same conflict. They do. Especially the lovingly, devoted men. Or the ones who want to be great lovers. These men take their time and are determined to satisfy their women, no matter how long it takes.

The trouble is in both cases the individuals are only focused on giving. They are sacrificing their own pleasure for the pleasure of their partner.

But for a truly delicious sexual experience there has to be an equal amount of give and take. Both partners need to be open to not only giving the most pleasure but also to receiving the most pleasure and that is where it can get tricky.

And if you are blocked from receiving pleasure then you will be blocking the flow of money into your life too.

Money is energy in paper form. The sole purpose of money is to show appreciation for something. ( take a moment and let that sink in). In fact I will say that again: The sole purpose of money is to show appreciation for something


As I mentioned before sex and money are both base chakra issues  and the key emotions at the base chakra that inhibit the flow of sex and money are Shame, Fear and Fighting for survival.

The foundation of these blocks go back to childhood because everything does. Not because your parents were bad people but becasue that is when your subconscious mind was open to EVERYTHING. This is when all your views on the world were laid down. Everything that you now believe, feel, think or know for certain is from what environmental, emotional and spiritual events happened in the first 7 -8 years of your life.

So cast your mind back to your childhood and see if you can remember a time when you were scared or embarrassed or when you felt you had to fight for your right to be here. Now imagine another time, and another. I bet you can list at least half a dozen, if not more.

Each and every time you have feelings of shame, fear or fighting for survival you are adding another brick to the wall, literally cutting yourself off from the juice of life, all the sex and money that could be flowing to you.

Its all dammed up behind the wall .

So how do we take the wall down?

Firstly be realising that we have a wall.

Secondly by deciding to be more open.


And well I'll share some more tips with you next week.



If you can't wait that long then maybe its time you booked a session with me so go click on the Services page to find out how.







PS: Did you know that when we orgasm the areas of our brain that light up are the areas to do with confidence, courage and creativity?