Flex your Intimacy Muscle

It can happen to anyone. One minute your relationship is coasting along just nicely; you feel connected on all levels, you feel like your partner is the best in the whole world, the sex is awesome and life couldn't be better. Next thing you know the wheels have completely fallen off; you are constantly arguing, nothing your partner does is right, you don't know why you got married in the first place and you are wondering what the hell happened.

It doesn't matter if you have been together for 5 months, 5 years or fifty years (ok after fifty years I'm pretty sure you will have this stuff sussed)

How do we go from being all loved up one minute to barely being able to stand being in the same room the next?

It is quite simple really.

We take each other for granted. We stop noticing all the little things that our partner does for us each day. Instead we focus on all the annoying little habits; they left the toilet seat up ... again, they squeezed the toothpaste in the middle instead of from the bottom, they left their wet towel on the floor or they didn't take the garbage out.

My pet peeve with my husband is he hangs his wet towel over the shower instead of on the towel rail. And do you know what I do about it? Nothing.

Why because in the words of Wayne Dyer "You can be right or you can be happy."

Most of us choose to be right, which doesn't make for a happy home life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to give your partner a free pass all the time. I am saying let's focus more on the good things and let some of the small stuff go.

It is a slippery slope when we focus on all the petty irritations in life; the more we look for them the more we will find.

Conversely the more we focus on the good things the more we see of those too; he texts us when he's going to be late, she cooks our favorite meal and has it waiting for us, he helps you pick in the laundry when its raining, he stacks the dishwasher after dinner, he kisses us and tell us how beautiful we are when he gets home from work.

Small gestures = big rewards

It is the little things that happen every day that lead us towards a deeper intimacy .... or away from it. There is a lovely story about the day a husband forgot to kiss his wife before he left for the day
( Please note I realize not all husbands go out to work and not all wives stay home. As a woman who works from home this is my reality. If it isn't yours just substitute whatever works for you).

Meanwhile back at the story: Hubby leaves the house without kissing his wife, she gets grumpy and snaps at her child , child gets grumpy and  snatches a toy from the toddler, toddler gets grumpy and pulls the cats tail. All for the sake of one ten second smooch.

It is so ingrained in my husband that he kiss me when he leaves and when he gets homes  that on the
(odd) time when he forgets he will ring me as soon as he gets to work because he felt something was off shortly after getting in the car. He even makes a point of kissing me if I am still asleep.

Intimacy is waaaaaayyyyy more than just sex

In fact intimacy starts well before you even get to the bedroom. Intimacy is all those little gestures I was talking about; the kiss before you leave for the day and when you reunite,  random hugs, affectionate strokes as you pass by, texts during the day or , better yet, actual phone calls just to say "hi". All these small gestures let he other person know that you are thinking of them and so the intimacy grows.

Intimacy is sharing all your doubts and fears and feeling that you will be heard and not judged. Creating a safe space for each other to be open and vulnerable will not only grow and develop your intimacy but will also forge a strong bond between the two of, an "us against the world" united front of security and bonding.

Intimacy is something that you have to work at, it is a muscle that requires constant use or it will become flabby and out of shape. Not a great shape for any muscle to be in.

"I don't have time"

Really? You don't have time for a peck on the cheek? Or the time to send a text saying "I love you and miss you xx".  What about the time to snuggle with your partner as you watch a favorite show together ( or, if you are determined to build more intimacy, to snuggle while watching a program he loves  -even if its not a fave of yours)? 

None of these things take much effort but the increase in bonding will be, as they say in the Mastercard ad, PRICELESS.



Want more tips?
Then check out my other blog post  How to fall in love with your partner, madly, passionately, deeply

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Touch Deprived

We live in a technological world.

We are bombarded with information at  an astonishing rate of speed that our forebears would not have been able to comprehend.

We have lost touch with each other.

It is now easier to send a text message than pick up the phone and call someone to wish them "Happy birthday" or "Merry Christmas". Seriously, when was the last time you had a phone call that wasn't a telemarketer or a charity looking for donations?

And  who, exactly, is keeping the card industry going?
 ( apart from me, obviously!)

We feel so inundated with sensory overload; texts landing on our phone, music playing in the background as we surf the web with a million and one ads flashing at as from the sides of the website we are browsing or drop down boxes asking us to sign up for the latest newsletter, phones ringing ( pesky telemarketers!), people talking, cars racing past and sirens wailing. Makes me exhausted just writing it.

I live in blissful peace and quiet, in the countryside, tapping away at my keyboard and seeing clients are about as exciting as it gets around here. Sure my rooster is incredibly loud ( especially at 4am ) and sometimes the neighbours tractor and spraying equipment gets on my nerves. But it is quiet and relaxing .

When I go to the city I feel overwhelmed and just want to retreat back into my cave so I get it. I get that we are overly stimulated on the sensory front and that tends to make a lot of us pull back into our selves, longing for a bit of space, a small gap of solitude to call our own.

The trouble is a lot of us are doing this by withdrawing touch from those around us. I read recently that  the young people in Japan have stopped having sex with each other altogether and that this is having a devastating effect on their economic growth ( or will do in the near future). No sex, no babies, no next generation coming up through the ranks. Some of the reasons given for the no sex was that the females are now earning their own money and are not prepared to give that up to be the domestic goddess their husbands and their society demands.

As a non domestic goddess myself, I can't say I blame them but I know I sure as hell wouldn't be giving up sex for it either. The males, on the other hand,are eschewing sex as they no longer want to give up a large part of their wages to maintain the wife staying at home and all that entails.

Sounds to me like they need a sexual revolution a la 1960 rather than everyone just giving up on sex .

Meanwhile over in the good ol' U S of A kids are being suspended from school for hugging their teacher  and even, in some extreme cases, for little boys kissing a girl in kindergarten.

I mean come on people, this is all getting out of hand.

What we are, as a whole, is touch deprived

We are so disconnected from each other, from our own bodies, from the pure sensual delights that are available to us that we are forgetting how to touch each other

In fact technology in general and porn,specifically are ruining our lives. Okay maybe that is a very broad, sweeping statement but it seems that some people are becoming addicted to the ease of porn and the instant gratification that it brings so much so that it impacts their sex life and not in a good way.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt recently made a movie on this very topic. Don Jon is a typical young guy. He works out, he hangs with his buddies and he goes to clubs looking to score with chicks, which he does on a regular basis. And even though he is so great with the ladies once he is finished having sex with them, it's off to his computer for some porn. Even when he meets the girl he thinks is the love of his life. Even after she catches him and he promises he will stop. ( I won't give you any more info because you really should watch it - great movie)

Young guys have a false idea of what sex looks like from watching too much porn. They have a limited idea of what it entails and that actual feelings are involved.

Girls, on the other hand , often have sex thinking it will bring them love ( yup, even now)

What we all need, however, is to start hugging each other on a regular basis. This will release feel good chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine and help us feel more bonded and connected with each other.

And the hugging and touching shouldn't stop when we are in a relationship. No, quite the opposite in fact. If we want our relationship to flourish and feel deeper and more connected to each other as the years pass we need to keep the touching going, all day, every day.

Sadly, more and more couples are living in sexless marriages when one partner decides to withdraw all sex and touch goes a long with that. Sure, they could divorce but often time they still feel deeply committed to each other, it's just that one partner has taken sex off the table. And so as not to "lead the other partner on" all touch goes with that.

I just read this article over at Elephant Journal about pledging to increase pleasure in our lives and I have to say I agree with her.

It is time for us to Pledge to Take our Pleasure Seriously. To commit to more touching not just to more sex but to more connection, more intimacy and more, just more.

So how do we start?

(1) Greet your friends with a hug. Touch their hand when you are listening to them so that they know that you are.

(2) Make eye contact with people when they are talking to you. Show up and be present.

(3) Ask for hugs when you need them. don't just wait for them to be offered.

(4) Ask your friends if they need a hug when they are having a bad day. then hug them... for 20 seconds.

(5) Ask your partner for hugs. Explain that you are not necessarily wanting sex, you just want a hug.

(6) Call your mother..... just to say hi!

(7) Give thanks for all that you presently have in your life. Especially the relationships that you cherish. Then ring them and tell them you are grateful for them and why. Think of it as a verbal hug.

If you are struggling with feeling touch derived and need some direction to help you move back towards it. If you have issues with touch or intimacy and need someone to help Contact me via Facebook messaging to arrange a session.

How to fall in love with your partner madly, passionately, deeply

Graphic by Karen Salmansohn

I am in the midst of a total love-fest with my honey at present and it has been like this for a few weeks now. It's hard to put my finger on when it actually started but now we are completely heart deep in amongst it so we are not complaining.

There are, however, certain things that we do on a regular basis to nurture and deepen our love for each other.

These are so ingrained in us that if one or the other accidentally forgets the whole day feels off somehow. To me these are the very fundamentals for any good relationship, whether it is with your significant other, your children ( when they are young and when they have left to start families of their own) or your friends.

"I love you"

Yup, just say it .

Every day.

 All day.

Anytime you feel it let it flow right out of your mouth and into the ears of those that need to hear it.

My husband never leaves the house without knowing that I love him and he does the same for me. You never know when it might be the last time you get to say it. Shit happens. so make sure those that you love KNOW that you love them.

Now some of you may be thinking : "They know I love them , I don't have to say it"

Yes, yes, you do!!

I grew up in a home where those words were never said and vowed that my own kids would not have the same experience. It is important so like the Nike ad says "Just do it"


Hug it out!

Once you have said "I love you" round it out with a great big hug

Humans crave touch, it is built right into our DNA. Many studies have been done on the importance of touch.
In fact in one case it literally brought a baby back to life
watch it here

When I first joined my husband's family hugging was not the norm. By this stage I had made it a habit to hug family and friends whenever they arrived or left so I included his parents into the mix.

At first they were a bit uncomfortable but they soon got used to it and even began to look forward to it.

Now they are both 85 and they look forward to their hugs and regularly tell me how much they love me too, much to my husband's  surprise.

Express Gratitude

Every day tell your darling how grateful that you are for something that they have done for you.  a bonus benefit of this is they will start to do more - without you even having to ask!!! True story!

My darling regularly empties the rubbish bin and takes it outside ( now I just need him to replace the liner in the bin - we are getting closer, he does it 8 out of ten times now).

He also loads and unloads the dishwasher, makes me cups of tea and picks in the laundry if it looks like rain - no nagging required.

Why?

Because I have made it a habit to tell him how thankful I am for all the little things he does for me. He knows how much I appreciate and value how he shows up in my life and he does the same for me. Every night he tells me what a great meal I have made for him.

Every. Night.

Regardless  if it is macaroni cheese or roast lamb with all the trimmings. Doesn't matter. as far as he is concerned I am the best cook in the world.

Listen

One of the things that I absolutely adore about my husband is the way in which he gives me his complete attention whenever I am talking.

He makes eye contact and really listens.


Now he may be just going " Blah, blah, blah " in his head but I'm pretty sure he isn't. He is interested in what I have to say.

I have to admit I have not always been great at doing the same for him but I am making much more of an effort now that I see how much of his attention he gives me when I talk ( attention whore that I am)

Start practicing these four things and watch how your relationship transforms.

Then come and tell me about it on my Facebook page