The greatest gift you can give your partner

There is always one person that you just can't find a gift for.

Often it is our partner but sometimes it can be our parents or a good friend . Even though I said in the title that this gift is the greatest thing you could give your partner it works for other significant people in your life, even your kids. Especially your kids.

This is a clue!

Every one wants to feel special.

To feel that they are loved, lovable and loving.

So how do we give that to people? How do we let them know that they are  loved?

Sure, we can tell them but often the words don't sink in, heart deep.

We can show them by doing things for them, but again that can be easily overlooked.

We can buy them things, which is what we all do at Xmas, but how do you convey depth of feeling with a dollar value? Do you even want to?

We can give hugs and touch and this is always a good place to start. although some people find touch uncomfortable as a means of receiving love. Especially if they have issues with past abuse.

These are all worthwhile and loving things to add into any relationship and if you are not already doing them  then I suggest you get on to it.

No, what I am talking about is giving your presence instead of just presents.

Being fully present  with the people you love means connecting with them, with your eyes, when they are talking. Giving them your full attention. Not just half listening, not thinking of what you are going to say next. Not mentally writing your shopping list or planning on how to fix the clunk in the engine.

Nope, none of that shit.

Just focusing totally on the moment and what is being said, paying attention to the body language and checking in.

Doing this when your 5 year old has something important to share about their day? Priceless gift, because lets face it often we are too busy but if you start this practice with them when they are little  they will still come and tell you about their day when they are 15 or 16.

Doing this with your 15 or 16 year old when they are telling you about their latest conquest on Xbox     (or Playstation) or when they are telling you about what Brittany said that made them feel like  shit and she's such a bitch and .. and ... and? Priceless gift and they will come back again and again to feel validated and heard and possibly even share life changing decisions with you because they know you listen.

Doing this with your parents or in laws when they are in their 70's or 80's and telling you ( again) about their childhood and how different life was back then? Priceless gift because old people need to feel valued too,. Even better? Ask them for advice so they still feel they have something to contribute.

Doing this with your partner as they tell you about their day, in minute detail? Priceless gift and likely to lead to great sex later.

Doing this while having great sex, fully being in the moment, not in your head but connected to your body and your partners body and all the sensations that are taking place, instead of lost in your own little fantasy world? Priceless gift and likely to make the great sex you were having, the best sex you have ever had.

Simple isn't it? Because let's face it we don't really need more things. What we need is a deeper connection with those we love and the easiest way to do that is to give them more of us.



What is the best gift you ever received? Leave me a comment below

The Season of Giving is upon us

I'd settle for the foot massage....... and the orgasm!

Christmas is now breathing down our necks and will be here before you can bat an eyelash. Christmas is about giving and families and celebrating .

When we were little we would write out our wish list of all the things we wanted  Santa to bring us, we knew that we might not get everything on the list. We knew that Santa was assessing whether we had been naughty or nice ( that judgey bastard!) and we were hoping he would let some things slide and still give us what we wanted.

We all know that it is better to give than receive - we've had that drummed into us since we were kids.

A long with the "it's the thought that counts"when faced with a less than fabulous present. We are taught to be grateful for anything that we get.

 These are good and valuable lessons.

But somewhere a long the line we forgot about asking for what we wanted.

We stopped allowing ourselves to compile a "wish list"of things that we wanted.

Instead we got busy giving. Because, apparently, that's what adults do. We give and give and give. This is especially true f you are a mother. In fact it seems to come downloaded with the meeting with the egg and sperm! I am surprised it isn't one of the commandments - "Thou shalt give ...... and then give some more."

What we seem to forget tin this equation is that there is someone on the other end of all that giving - the receiver. Yes, I know I talk a lot about being grateful and yes, that is still important.

What I want to talk about is opening ourselves up to two things (1) asking for what we want and (2) being open enough to actually receive it. Because here's the thing, we tend to have forgotten how to be open enough to really, fully receive what is being offered to us.

Lets talk about compliments, for a start. Most women ( and I am going to be speaking generally because I haven't actually met every women on the planet yet) tend to brush aside compliments. I see it all the time, "Oh I got this dress/outfit/handbag on sale at  ( insert generic store name here)" or "Thanks but look at you. You look amazing!"or  "No, I haven't lost weight. In fact I think I must have gained about 3 pounds this week" or well, pick from a myriad of reasons why a compliment shouldn't be received. ( and yes, I am aware that all those examples relate to looks because as women that seems to be the issue that we are (a) most often complimented on and (b) find the most difficult to hear or accept. See my aside about speaking generally).

Or what about the wrangling that goes on at the local coffee shop over which friend is doing the buying. Each wanting to make sure that the other friend is made to feel special rather thatn accept the generosity offered as a gift from a friend.

Or ( here's where it really gets juicy) what about in bed. Often times we are so focused on giving our partner pleasure that we overlook our own or feel that perhaps we should just fake it as we are obviously taking too long. We forget the fact that men take, on average, about 7 minutes to climax, while we are barely getting warmed up ( women take, on average about 20 minutes to achieve orgasm). So consequently we feel we should be performing better, faster or just differently than how we are currently.

The worse part is that with the proliferation of porn on the internet men are under the ( deluded) idea that all women should be writhing in ecstasy at one mere thrust of their amazing penis ( let's not get into the array of other false impressions that men get from porn or we will be here all day!). And , sadly, there are still some men who  do not know where the clitoris is, let alone the G spot, hell the scientists/doctors/gynecologists can't even agree as to whether we all have on. What the hell is that all about?

Yeah, it's complicated!

That's like saying some people are born with a penis and others aren't ( oh wait, bad example). The fact is all females have a G spot
( mmhmm, *nodding my head*, even you, dear reader. Unless you are a male, in which case "Hi"and happy to have you here!). The fact that nobody has found it in your body, yet (YET!) does not mean that it does not exist. It is not the Yeti ( oh did LOL when I read that last bit back cos it kind of is the Yet -i of locations - nobody has found yours yet!)

And the reason nobody has found your elusive G spot ( if they have congratulations and there probably nothing more for you to see here) is because you have not allowed yourself the pleasure of relaxing into being open to receive.

To open into a place of receiving we have to be willing to surrender, to get out of our head and into our body. We also have to feel that we deserve the pleasure . We have to feel that our partner genuinely wants to please us and is willing to take the time. If they aren't then you have a great indication of just how committed they are to the longevity of your relationship.

Intimacy is something that we develop, that take nurturing and openness and yes, even surrender. We have to be willing to be vulnerable, to ask for what we want and to allow ourselves the time we need to embrace our pleasure.

When you full open into the space of receiving you are opening up and feeding your sense of self worth. Not to mention unleashing all the creativity and inspiration that is stored in lower chakras that can be utilized through orgasm ( yeah, that's whole other blog right there).


Meanwhile back at Christmas, if you are still in the gift buying mode
 ( sitting here smugly having finished all mine ) why not follow my Golden Rule of Gift Buying ( so special it has it's own name and deserve highlighting). Here it is; Buy yourself something nice first.

This was first born when I was a single mother of two darling wee boys
 ( later turned into three but that's another story). I figured if I didn't buy myself presents then who else was going to? And I have kept it up even though I am now happily married. On any gift buying expedition first up is finding a gift for my favorite person in the whole world, Me! With that out of the way I can then focus my attention on thinking about what other people like/want. Otherwise I end up buying all my lady friends things that I really would rather keep for myself.

So tell me do you have trouble receiving? Can you take a compliment? Have you been faking it all these years or are you willing to ask for and get the pleasure you deserve? I would love to hear your feedback


Come over and join us on my Facebook page where we will be kicking of 100 Days of Self Love soon!