I have a new addiction!

Sssshhhh! I have a new addiction and it could be getting out of hand.

I love my yoni eggs!

I currently only have two but have my eyes ( and heart set on) another two... at least for now.

I have a jade egg and a rose quartz one and while I love them both I am having a greater relationship with the jade on at present- though I am sure that will change from time to time.

I love to have my eggs either in me or on me at all times. I carry them in my pockets, in my bra or sleep with them under my pillow or inside me. Once I've done my exercise for the day I take my egg out and tuck it into a pouch and snuggle it in my bra for the rest of the day .

So why am I so addicted? It's really very simple - I feel more connected and tuned in to my own feminine essence when I am using my eggs in this way.Not only do the eggs work on toning your pelvic floor muscles, bring more blood flow to your genitals and aid in lubrication but the crystals themselves also do their wok on you.

On an energetic level yoni eggs open a channel from your genitals to your heart and right up to the crown chakra helping you to embody more of your higher self in your daily life.


I even did a complete podcast all about jade eggs listen to it here . Yes, I have gone egg crazy and I'm loving it. Actually so is my husband, he 's noticed how much more vibrant I am and when I told him what I was doing he suggested I keep doing it.

I have also talked recently with Stacey Herrera and we talked all about Skin Hunger and why so many people are suffering from it today. Since that talk I have upped my self care routine and added in more things that bring me pleasure because I think a lot of us a pleasure starved too.

Opening into Yes

There are two words that women struggle with; Yes and No.

Generally we will say to Yes to anything and No is the word that we really struggle with.

I was in the supermarket today and got chatting to the woman waiting in line behind me (yes, I am one of those people that talk to random strangers) and she was saying how exhausted she was as she has had constant visitors for the past month with more wanting to come and stay over the Easter break and her husband had already said “yeah, sure, no problem” . She is struggling to say “No. No I’m exhausted. No, I need some space”

Learning to use “no” is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself but that is not what this essay is about. What I want to discuss is the trouble that we have with saying ”yes”; Yes to pleasure, Yes to space for ourselves, yes to opening into being present.

*Side note: while writing this I took a short detour around the internet and found this blog post from  a forty year old woman who has never orgasmed with her partner* ( Um, seriously? What the absolute fuck??? You see why I am writing this right? We all deserve our orgasm, ladies!)







Big, juicy, unashamed, reveling-in-it-all yes, yes,yes.

I’m talking about opening into Yes in our sexual relations because one thing I have noticed is that we limit ourselves. We think that somehow our pleasure has a stop watch on it and we are only allowed to be the centre of attention for x number of minutes before we turn all our attention back to him.

We feel like we don't deserve all that attention.

We worry that he will get bored with us.

We worry that his tongue or his fingers are getting tired.

We feel exposed and vulnerable and so we pull back. We turn our attention back to his needs, his body.

But here is the thing you never hear men limiting themselves to pleasure. If you are dishing it out to them, hey will happily lie back and take it all.

So what makes them different to us?

For starters every movie you have ever seen that has any kind of sex scene in it will focus on male pleasure ( and don't even get me started on porn) but female pleasure is controversial. In fact the movie Blue Valentine was classified as an R17 due to one short scene where actress Michelle Williams character shows pleasure while receiving oral sex from Ryan Gosling's character ( I'm just going to give you a minute to catch your breath right there). The decision was finally overturned but only after much lobbying.

 We all seem to be terrified of woman's pleasure but quite comfortable with any  sort of violence, rape or objectification of women is perfectly okay. But I digress.

What I really want to explore is how we can take the pressure off ourselves and our partners and legitimize our right to pleasure.

We are worth it.

We deserve it and here is the kicker we are the ones that have the only organ as part of our bodies that are designed purely for pleasure - the clitoris. But God being a teeny bit twisted he gave with one hand  (our clitoris) and then took with the other (it takes a women twenty minutes -give or take- to achieve orgasm whereas blokes get the job done in under 7 minutes).

One of the first things we need to understand is that our orgasms are inextricably linked with our sense of self confidence and well being ( if you don't believe me check out Naomi Wolf's book Vagina for all the scientific data). Women's orgasms are far more intense and life enhancing than we have been led to believe and it is up to us to give ourselves permission to open into them.

Believe it or not men want to please us. They take great delight in exploring the complexity of our genitals. Sure they might get a bit carried away at times. They might change strokes or positions till you feel like a burger continually being flipped but with delicate coaching they will bend over backwards ( if that's what you need) to help you achieve your big "O".

But ( and it is a big But) we have to be willing to open our mouths and tell them what we need. They are not mind readers and every woman is different! The research shows that the nerves in the pelvis are wired differently for every woman so that some can achieve orgasms through clitoral stimulation, some from penetration, some can have G spot orgasms and some can have cervical orgasms - no two women are wired the same . All types of orgasm can instill in us a deep sense of well being, self confidence and bursts of creativity and yet we are unwilling or too shy to ask for what we need.

Our hesitancy around stating our sexual desires  also comes from our natural state of being a giver whereas sexual union requires both participants to give and receive at various stages. We also seem to think that we will damage our partner's fragile ego if we state our desires and at the same time we freak out that what we want is somehow not "normal" yet if you have read any of the "Fifty Shades of Grey" books you will know that "normal" looks different to different people.

Taking the time to talk openly and honestly with your partner outside of the bedroom and outside of a sexual context can help to establish trust so that taking the leap into discussing all things sexual is done on a strong foundation of openness and trust.



Open, soften, trust. Lather, rinse repeat as necessary. Just keep opening and softening. Forget the clock - it has no part to play. Let your partner decide how long they want to pleasure you (and then return the favour). Most importantly just keep opening, softening and trusting.

The ride is truly worth it.

The Christmas Gift List For Self Love

"We wish you a Merry Christmas. We wish you a Merry Christmas.... Lalalalalala"

It is that time of year where we hear the Christmas carols blasting forth from every shopping mall and we are all rushing around buying gifts for our loved ones.

Heaven forbid that we forget one of our loved ones! But I bet you do . Every year.

When was the last time that you bought yourself a gift for Christmas? ( Actually, when was the last time that you bought yourself a gift for your birthday? Or just to celebrate you?).

Back in the day, when I was a solo mum with two little boys I would buy my own birthday presents, mothers day gifts and Christmas presents. Hell, I even bought myself regular bunches of flowers because I was worth it.

Even now that I am happily married I still go buy myself gifts and Yes, my husband knows about them!( I buy him gifts too!)
Often we will see posts of the "Top Ten Gifts to give this Christmas" or "Things your partner will love this Christmas" but this post is a little different... it is all about things you can buy or do for yourself. Yup it is all about you, baby.

(1) Time
Okay I know you can't buy time. I also know that this time of year we all get a teeny, tiny bit frenetic so what I am suggesting is this... give yourself some time. Block out a chunk of time on your schedule where you take an hour, a day, a weekend, whatever works for you and just  chill out. By yourself.
This is a luxury more than any money can buy and one we all deserve to treat ourselves to on a regular basis.

Except we don't.

Instead we say "yes" to another Christmas function that we would rather have our teeth pulled than go to. We say "yes" to spending time with people we don't want to spend time with because "we really must catch up before the end of the year" or family guilt or whatever. So instead I am suggesting that you make an appointment in your diary/day planner/calendar app for you to catch up with you. Then when you are asked if you are available on such and such a day you can reply  that you already having something booked then so won't be able to make it.

Voila! just like that time opens up for you.

(2) Journal  

I have gone a little bit journal crazy this year. I kicked  off the year reading "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron and I have been journaling ever since.

I like to think of it as a conversation with myself. I discover all sorts of things by asking myself questions and then taking the time to delve deeply into the answers. I have already filled numerous notebooks and aim to fill even more. Yes, I do it by hand. You can do it however you want but there is something visceral about grabbing a book and a pen and sitting down for a few minutes every morning.

Create a ritual around your journaling. Light a candle, burn some incense, grab a hot drink and sit in the same place and then begin to write. Pour it all out on to the page. All of it. All the stuff you have been carrying around in your head. All the things you tell yourself late at night when you can't sleep. all the tings that you dream of. Everything.

What will happen?

You will free yourself up of carrying all this stuff. You will gain new insights and clarity around issues that have been bugging you. Oh, and you will sleep better ( well that's one benefit that has shown up for me)


 
(3) Jade Egg

Get yourself a jade egg. Jade eggs are used to  tone and strengthen your pelvic area but they do much more than that . They reconnect you to your sensual self. They give you permission to engage with your own pleasure and we all need more of that in our lives. Check out Saida Desilets* for more information on the benefits of using a jade egg.

(4)  Reconnect to your Inner Goddess

In my  forties I declared myself a Sex Goddess and it totally transformed my life. I felt sexier, more confident and more myself than I had for a long time. I gave myself permission to be fully myself without holding back in order to be the "good girl". You can read all about in in my book "The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life"  .

When we reclaim ourselves as a Goddess we are tapping into the Divine Feminine energy that we naturally embody and that is our birthright and we heal those parts of us that have been wounded by the current masculine  doing-doing-doing, driven system that operates in this world. The Divine Feminine comes from a place of being, stillness and presence. when we connect with this sense of being we can drop back down from our heads  into our bodies and tap into our intuition for more guidance and clarity in life.

Sign up for my newsletter to be notified when my upcoming Awaken Your Inner Goddess course launches and come and join us in the Awaken Your Inner Goddess Facebook group


(5) Unplug

We are so connected with our smartphones always  by our side, beeping and buzzing with incoming texts and  notifications. The trouble is it isn't making us any happier or any more connected to the people around us. In fact it is having quite the opposite affect  where more and more people are feeling isolated and alone. It just takes a glance around your local coffee shop to see why - people sitting at the same table but glued to their phone instead of interacting with each other.

It is a great idea to designate one day a "switch off" day where you leave your phone off, step away from the computer and just be.

Which one of these gifts will you give yourself?

The Season of Giving is upon us

I'd settle for the foot massage....... and the orgasm!

Christmas is now breathing down our necks and will be here before you can bat an eyelash. Christmas is about giving and families and celebrating .

When we were little we would write out our wish list of all the things we wanted  Santa to bring us, we knew that we might not get everything on the list. We knew that Santa was assessing whether we had been naughty or nice ( that judgey bastard!) and we were hoping he would let some things slide and still give us what we wanted.

We all know that it is better to give than receive - we've had that drummed into us since we were kids.

A long with the "it's the thought that counts"when faced with a less than fabulous present. We are taught to be grateful for anything that we get.

 These are good and valuable lessons.

But somewhere a long the line we forgot about asking for what we wanted.

We stopped allowing ourselves to compile a "wish list"of things that we wanted.

Instead we got busy giving. Because, apparently, that's what adults do. We give and give and give. This is especially true f you are a mother. In fact it seems to come downloaded with the meeting with the egg and sperm! I am surprised it isn't one of the commandments - "Thou shalt give ...... and then give some more."

What we seem to forget tin this equation is that there is someone on the other end of all that giving - the receiver. Yes, I know I talk a lot about being grateful and yes, that is still important.

What I want to talk about is opening ourselves up to two things (1) asking for what we want and (2) being open enough to actually receive it. Because here's the thing, we tend to have forgotten how to be open enough to really, fully receive what is being offered to us.

Lets talk about compliments, for a start. Most women ( and I am going to be speaking generally because I haven't actually met every women on the planet yet) tend to brush aside compliments. I see it all the time, "Oh I got this dress/outfit/handbag on sale at  ( insert generic store name here)" or "Thanks but look at you. You look amazing!"or  "No, I haven't lost weight. In fact I think I must have gained about 3 pounds this week" or well, pick from a myriad of reasons why a compliment shouldn't be received. ( and yes, I am aware that all those examples relate to looks because as women that seems to be the issue that we are (a) most often complimented on and (b) find the most difficult to hear or accept. See my aside about speaking generally).

Or what about the wrangling that goes on at the local coffee shop over which friend is doing the buying. Each wanting to make sure that the other friend is made to feel special rather thatn accept the generosity offered as a gift from a friend.

Or ( here's where it really gets juicy) what about in bed. Often times we are so focused on giving our partner pleasure that we overlook our own or feel that perhaps we should just fake it as we are obviously taking too long. We forget the fact that men take, on average, about 7 minutes to climax, while we are barely getting warmed up ( women take, on average about 20 minutes to achieve orgasm). So consequently we feel we should be performing better, faster or just differently than how we are currently.

The worse part is that with the proliferation of porn on the internet men are under the ( deluded) idea that all women should be writhing in ecstasy at one mere thrust of their amazing penis ( let's not get into the array of other false impressions that men get from porn or we will be here all day!). And , sadly, there are still some men who  do not know where the clitoris is, let alone the G spot, hell the scientists/doctors/gynecologists can't even agree as to whether we all have on. What the hell is that all about?

Yeah, it's complicated!

That's like saying some people are born with a penis and others aren't ( oh wait, bad example). The fact is all females have a G spot
( mmhmm, *nodding my head*, even you, dear reader. Unless you are a male, in which case "Hi"and happy to have you here!). The fact that nobody has found it in your body, yet (YET!) does not mean that it does not exist. It is not the Yeti ( oh did LOL when I read that last bit back cos it kind of is the Yet -i of locations - nobody has found yours yet!)

And the reason nobody has found your elusive G spot ( if they have congratulations and there probably nothing more for you to see here) is because you have not allowed yourself the pleasure of relaxing into being open to receive.

To open into a place of receiving we have to be willing to surrender, to get out of our head and into our body. We also have to feel that we deserve the pleasure . We have to feel that our partner genuinely wants to please us and is willing to take the time. If they aren't then you have a great indication of just how committed they are to the longevity of your relationship.

Intimacy is something that we develop, that take nurturing and openness and yes, even surrender. We have to be willing to be vulnerable, to ask for what we want and to allow ourselves the time we need to embrace our pleasure.

When you full open into the space of receiving you are opening up and feeding your sense of self worth. Not to mention unleashing all the creativity and inspiration that is stored in lower chakras that can be utilized through orgasm ( yeah, that's whole other blog right there).


Meanwhile back at Christmas, if you are still in the gift buying mode
 ( sitting here smugly having finished all mine ) why not follow my Golden Rule of Gift Buying ( so special it has it's own name and deserve highlighting). Here it is; Buy yourself something nice first.

This was first born when I was a single mother of two darling wee boys
 ( later turned into three but that's another story). I figured if I didn't buy myself presents then who else was going to? And I have kept it up even though I am now happily married. On any gift buying expedition first up is finding a gift for my favorite person in the whole world, Me! With that out of the way I can then focus my attention on thinking about what other people like/want. Otherwise I end up buying all my lady friends things that I really would rather keep for myself.

So tell me do you have trouble receiving? Can you take a compliment? Have you been faking it all these years or are you willing to ask for and get the pleasure you deserve? I would love to hear your feedback


Come over and join us on my Facebook page where we will be kicking of 100 Days of Self Love soon!