What the hell is normal anyway?

See that couple over there? He  likes to be spanked and she loves to spank him.
That nice, quiet couple down the road? They are actually swingers and regularly  throw sex parties.

I do not know these people but hey they could have a really interesting sex life!

That happy family? He is a closet gay and she is having an affair.

The fact of the matter is none of us knows what goes on behind closed doors and that is probably a good thing. But we are all inherently curious as to just what is a "normal"sex life and whether ours makes the grade.

The answer is really quite simple; are you and your partner satisfied? Are you both, genuinely, content with how often you make love, the positions and the variety of your sex life? Because if you aren't then something needs to change.

And if you are unhappy but not sharing that with your partner?

 That is a recipe for disaster.

Open, clear communication is the most magical of ingredients for a truly great relationship. Because chances are you are not always going to be on the same page, sexually.

She might be going through a phase of rampant horniness ( yes, it does happen!) just when he is stressed out about work, his parents, the economy and the last thing he is thinking about is sex ( yes, it does happen!)

See, we are conditioned to believe that men only think of sex ( apparently every 4 seconds according to some studies) and women aren't interested. In actual fact, women want it just as much as men, it's just that different things get us horny and also we are easily distracted by things like the laundry not being done, or Jimmy's school play or or never ending to do list or, well I'm sure you get the idea.

It is time for us to break the stereotypes portrayed by television sitcoms and look at what is happening in our lives. It is time to realize that men aren't constantly thinking about it and women think about it more than we let on.

It is time to speak up if we want more foreplay and describe, in detail  ( yes, you have to use the words), what it is we want. Men are not mind readers and good sex only becomes great sex if you can let each other know what it is you like and want.

The bedroom is not a place to be shy. You are naked ( you are naked aren't you?)  ( Ok, I know some of you have body hangups but please get naked in your bedroom and let your partner see you. Yes, I know some of you have problems with that too but seriously this is the person who LOVES you, get naked with them!Its FUN!!) and now is the time to be all grown up and say the words  "I would like you to lick me/ stroke my clitoris/ suck my nipples/ bite my left earlobe/spank me".

Because if you don't say them it will not magically happen. Your partner cannot read your mind. so if you want something to change - TELL THEM! Or you will be stuck having the same mediocre sex for the rest of your life together ( did you just shudder? I did.)

The trouble is that we all live in fear of people thinking we are kinky. What some might consider kinky, others consider normal. When it comes to consensual sex between adults and as long as you are both happy to experiment then by all means go wild.

Sex is supposed to be fun and if you aren't having fun then you are doing it wrong.

Sure we all get it ruts from time to time but it just takes one partner to suggest something different for a whole lot of new fun to emerge. And we want our sex lives to keep growing and evolving , right? I thought so.

Vagina, vagina, vulva

Ok so I know I've been talking about vaginas a lot and at the moment I am fuming to say the least.

I will not use euphemisms.

I will not  be saying ladygarden, pussy, fanny, vajayjay or whatever cutesy name is currently in vogue.

Why?

Because more and more I am seeing women being infantilised ( good word! very proud)  by the media, by movies and, what is worse, we seem to be playing along with it!

I read a recent article on Mamamia about the photoshopping of female genitalia in porn magazines in Australia. It seems the Australian government ( I don't know about any other countries as the article deals only with Australia but I am sure that it will be a Universal practise) likes nice, neat , "tidy" vaginas ( or vulvas. Whichever term you prefer).

Vaginas that do not  have labia minora on display.

Vaginas that have been "neatened"into a single cleft.

Vaginas that look more like something Barbie would have  were she to have a cleft at all.

Our vaginas, in their true form, are deemed too "offensive" for the classification board that rates the porn industry.

So what are women doing about it? Are we rising up and declaring that "our vaginas are perfectly ok thank you very much and leave your photoshopping tools on the desk" ?

Are we starting petitions about the adrogenising of our genitalia?

Are we screaming form the top of our lungs that we love our vaginas just the way they are?

NO!

We are waxing, lasering and getting surgery to CUT OFF OUR LABIA so that we fit this "acceptable"image.

We have done it with our bodies: we have had surgery to enhance our breast, liposuction to remove offending fat, starved so that we resemble  the models we see daily.

We have beaten ourselves up for our lack of self control for eating normal quantities of food.

We have purged and binged.

 We have felt like complete failures because we have tried and tried and tried to look like the models we see daily in the magazines and billboards. Images that the models themselves don not even look like once the photoshoppers tools have finished with them.

We have so lost sight of what a real women looks like that when we look in the mirror we are disgusted and appalled and ashamed with ourselves.
 
And now the same thing is being done with our most, intimate and sacred body part, our vagina.

And we are taking ourselves off to the plastic surgeons office, again, to try and achieve the perfect vagina.,  just like the ones in the magazines.

Even if we are not taking this extreme route it is seeping into our subconscious and make us feel less than whole, less than a woman. Just less.

Please, please please love your body. Know that who you are, how you look, all of you is enough exactly as it is today. Are you perfect? No but you are human. You have value, far, far beyond your looks.

You are unique and full of beauty.

Love yourself. All of yourself. Get comfortable with yourself - truly, it is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Check out my book "The Goddess Guide To sex, Love and Life" for more advice on loving all of yourself.

Dear Vagina,

You seem to get a bad rap so I thought I would spend some time just hanging out with you today. Everybody seems to have an opinion about exactly how you should look which seems a tad unfair.  I think because you are tucked away and hidden most of the time that how you look is really a matter for you and your owner and everyone else should mind their own damned business but noooooo, they comment on the amount of hair that is there ( or not), what constitutes a reasonable covering for you ( g-string, bikini briefs, "granny pants")  and even how you should smell.

Personally I think you are AWESOME in whatever form you take. I guess our poor friend penis cops his fair share of flak too. Although that mostly seems to be an issue  of size which is crazy because, you, dear vagina, are truly very accommodating. If only the penis users had a shred of a clue of all the wondrous things that they could be doing with their penis ( and , lets face it, the rest of their bodily parts) to make up for any perceived deficiencies of their appendage, we would all be a lot happier and talk of being "too small"would disappear!

I did my best to save you from the bumblings of teenage boys in our youth. I truly did. I felt that we both deserved to lose our virginity to a more experienced man. Sadly, it turns out that age is not a decent indicator of experience!
Thankfully I developed better taste in men as we got older and you and I have become better friends.
I want to apologise for all the times I cursed you when really it was the uterus who was to blame and those pesky hormones. I don't want to dwell on that too much as thankfully, those days are behind us now
I also want to apologise for that one time that I shaved you.
Can we please just put it behind us? I think we were both deeply traumatised by it.
 As for the stories friends tell me about getting theirs waxed? Makes me shudder ( and yes, I can feel you wincing from here) just thinking about it. Some swear by it and tell me how sexy it makes them feel and if it works for them that's great!

All you ever wanted to know about your vajayjay

My friend, Sharon, has written a great book called "The Vagina Buffet" about her time as a Brazilian waxer and as the owner of a vagina. Its great read and parts of it truly did make me giggle.
 I have also had it explained to me that being hair free makes for better oral sex which I'm sure is true but I can't help thinking about well, you know, stubble and regrowth.  And I am sure that with the proliferation of tongue piercings there is less trouble with those  pesky hairs getting tangled but, oh my, I guess I just like things less complicated.

I guess it also helps that you, dear vagina, are fairly sparsely haired to begin with and from the bottom of my heart I am grateful for that.

I would also like to thank you for delivering to me my three beautiful sons. You did a stand up job even though they were all blessed with incredibly large heads. You bounced back really well. I guess all those kegel exercises paid off over the years and now that I have my Kegelmaster  its like you are brand new again

Now that Hubby and I are taking time to practise Orgasmic Meditation  I have developed an even deeper love for you ( oh and hubby too!) . So thank you dear vagina, for being such an awesome part of my body and my life.

The Big O

Lets talk about orgasms.


Women regularly fake orgasms.

I've never personally understood this phenomenon.

To me if your partner is not taking the time to stimulate you properly  then it is your job to show him or teach him how to do the job properly. Faking it robs you both of the sensual pleasures of love making. Stop it at once!

If you watch any love scene in the movies  ( or porn....especially porn!), you are under the false impression that women will ( a) orgasm at the drop of the hat (b) orgasm through penetration only.

This is true - for a very small minority of the population. A mere 20 % of women can be brought to orgasm through penetration alone.

Twenty per cent!!

 That is not a significant number  but if you happen to be one of the lucky ones - congratulations. The fabulous Jill Hamilton of In Bed with married Women wrote an awesome blog on the "science"  of orgasms and you can read it here

There have been articles written about the G spot and whether or not it exists ( read it  here )

We are told that there are three types of orgasm; clitoral, vaginal and blended (read it here)  or according to other articles I have read anything from 7 to 9 differing types of orgasm.

 Are you starting to feel the pressure? Do you feel you could be missing out?

If you are spending time faking orgasms so as to ( a) not disappoint your partner, (b) make him hurry up and finish already or (c) just because then yes, you are definitely missing out. And guess what? So is your partner!

If you are regularly having orgasms, any kid of orgasm  then congratulations!

Here are ten good reasons to increase the number of orgasms that you are having  and if that's not enough inspiration for you consider this: The more sex you have the more your body wants it and the sexier you feel inside and out. As we age our sex drive can diminish and sex keeps everything in working order.

For females, as we go through menopause, our vagina's can suffer from dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls. The best remedy for this is regular sex. This will keep a good blood supply to the vaginal area thereby assisting with lubrication and thinning. The worst thing to do is to stop having sex! Once that happens the symptoms get worse which leads to the catch 22 of not wanting sex due to lack of lubrication because you are not having sex.

For males, as you age your erections become less firm and the refractory time between them becomes longer. Guess what? The less sex you are having the less firm your erections will become and the lower your sex drive.

Use it or lose it is a very real statement when it comes to sex and desire.

Love your Labia, Ladies

Vulva.

Vagina.


Labia.

Pusssy.


Girly bits.

Fanny.


Whatever you call it, these are the names for our most feminine appendage and just as we have been getting breast implants or breast reductions to have the "perfect" breast, it seems now we have shifted our focus to having the perfect labia.

Labiaplasty is the fastest growing plastic surgery in the UK and possibly the USA as well. We are now paying to have someone slice into our labia to reshape them into what we deem "perfect".

Jamie McCartney's Great Wall of Vagina

Our body insecurity seems to know no bounds. We are no longer content with wanting to shift a few pounds to fit into some socially prescribed ideal body size, or getting breast implants to have the right size breasts, now it seems we have started to worry about the size of our labia too, a part of our body that very few people even see.

So who are we comparing ourselves too? Women don't go around showing each other their vulva's and we don't get to see them when undressing after sports the way men see each others penises. So how are we getting the idea that our lady parts are somehow not right?

With the advent of the Internet, pornography is more readily available than it has ever been and so we are now comparing ourselves to women on those sites.

The rise in Brazilian waxing has also had the lady parts out on display in ways it has never been before. All that this does is make us look more like a prepubescent girl.

Our vagina's and labia change as we age and after we have children but with the hair removal and labiaplasty we are trying desperately to hold onto your youth. But just how young do we want to make ourselves look? And why?

The one ( and only!) time I ever shaved my pubic hair I was horrified that I no longer looked like a woman but instead looked like I did at 13. I didn't feel womanly or sexy. I felt immature and girlish. I have spoken to some women who regularly get waxed and they tell me it makes them feel "clean" and I can't help thinking this somehow means "virginal".

If we are to embrace our true womanliness and to feel like strong, empowered, sexual beings then, in my mind, we need to start by loving all of our bodies, loving our hairy underarms, legs and vulva's. We have to stop buying into the religious and tribal beliefs that somehow women are unclean and that sex is dirty. We have to stop believing that we smell.

Western women have the luxury of choice in so many matters; how we dress, who we marry, whether we work or not, how many children we have, the list goes on and on. Genital mutilation is a very real and very present threat for women in many cultures and many countries. Lets not choose to mutilate our own genitals for the sake of some idea of beauty.

Most men, when asked, would not discriminate against having sex with a woman just because of her labia. In fact if they have got this up close and personal with you, chances are they are just grateful to be having sex with a gorgeous woman. If he didn't think you were a beautiful,amazing woman you wouldn't have got this far. If he is so crass as to comment on the size and shape of your labia or suggest that you wax then you have just discovered some valuable information about him. He is in fact a douche and you can save yourself a lot of heartache by never seeing him again and waiting instead for a real man to come along.

Real men love you for WHO you are not WHAT you look like. Strong , sexy, empowered sex goddesses know this and attract just such men.

Go and watch the documentary The Perfect Vagina

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