What the hell is normal anyway?

See that couple over there? He  likes to be spanked and she loves to spank him.
That nice, quiet couple down the road? They are actually swingers and regularly  throw sex parties.

I do not know these people but hey they could have a really interesting sex life!

That happy family? He is a closet gay and she is having an affair.

The fact of the matter is none of us knows what goes on behind closed doors and that is probably a good thing. But we are all inherently curious as to just what is a "normal"sex life and whether ours makes the grade.

The answer is really quite simple; are you and your partner satisfied? Are you both, genuinely, content with how often you make love, the positions and the variety of your sex life? Because if you aren't then something needs to change.

And if you are unhappy but not sharing that with your partner?

 That is a recipe for disaster.

Open, clear communication is the most magical of ingredients for a truly great relationship. Because chances are you are not always going to be on the same page, sexually.

She might be going through a phase of rampant horniness ( yes, it does happen!) just when he is stressed out about work, his parents, the economy and the last thing he is thinking about is sex ( yes, it does happen!)

See, we are conditioned to believe that men only think of sex ( apparently every 4 seconds according to some studies) and women aren't interested. In actual fact, women want it just as much as men, it's just that different things get us horny and also we are easily distracted by things like the laundry not being done, or Jimmy's school play or or never ending to do list or, well I'm sure you get the idea.

It is time for us to break the stereotypes portrayed by television sitcoms and look at what is happening in our lives. It is time to realize that men aren't constantly thinking about it and women think about it more than we let on.

It is time to speak up if we want more foreplay and describe, in detail  ( yes, you have to use the words), what it is we want. Men are not mind readers and good sex only becomes great sex if you can let each other know what it is you like and want.

The bedroom is not a place to be shy. You are naked ( you are naked aren't you?)  ( Ok, I know some of you have body hangups but please get naked in your bedroom and let your partner see you. Yes, I know some of you have problems with that too but seriously this is the person who LOVES you, get naked with them!Its FUN!!) and now is the time to be all grown up and say the words  "I would like you to lick me/ stroke my clitoris/ suck my nipples/ bite my left earlobe/spank me".

Because if you don't say them it will not magically happen. Your partner cannot read your mind. so if you want something to change - TELL THEM! Or you will be stuck having the same mediocre sex for the rest of your life together ( did you just shudder? I did.)

The trouble is that we all live in fear of people thinking we are kinky. What some might consider kinky, others consider normal. When it comes to consensual sex between adults and as long as you are both happy to experiment then by all means go wild.

Sex is supposed to be fun and if you aren't having fun then you are doing it wrong.

Sure we all get it ruts from time to time but it just takes one partner to suggest something different for a whole lot of new fun to emerge. And we want our sex lives to keep growing and evolving , right? I thought so.

The Big O

Lets talk about orgasms.


Women regularly fake orgasms.

I've never personally understood this phenomenon.

To me if your partner is not taking the time to stimulate you properly  then it is your job to show him or teach him how to do the job properly. Faking it robs you both of the sensual pleasures of love making. Stop it at once!

If you watch any love scene in the movies  ( or porn....especially porn!), you are under the false impression that women will ( a) orgasm at the drop of the hat (b) orgasm through penetration only.

This is true - for a very small minority of the population. A mere 20 % of women can be brought to orgasm through penetration alone.

Twenty per cent!!

 That is not a significant number  but if you happen to be one of the lucky ones - congratulations. The fabulous Jill Hamilton of In Bed with married Women wrote an awesome blog on the "science"  of orgasms and you can read it here

There have been articles written about the G spot and whether or not it exists ( read it  here )

We are told that there are three types of orgasm; clitoral, vaginal and blended (read it here)  or according to other articles I have read anything from 7 to 9 differing types of orgasm.

 Are you starting to feel the pressure? Do you feel you could be missing out?

If you are spending time faking orgasms so as to ( a) not disappoint your partner, (b) make him hurry up and finish already or (c) just because then yes, you are definitely missing out. And guess what? So is your partner!

If you are regularly having orgasms, any kid of orgasm  then congratulations!

Here are ten good reasons to increase the number of orgasms that you are having  and if that's not enough inspiration for you consider this: The more sex you have the more your body wants it and the sexier you feel inside and out. As we age our sex drive can diminish and sex keeps everything in working order.

For females, as we go through menopause, our vagina's can suffer from dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls. The best remedy for this is regular sex. This will keep a good blood supply to the vaginal area thereby assisting with lubrication and thinning. The worst thing to do is to stop having sex! Once that happens the symptoms get worse which leads to the catch 22 of not wanting sex due to lack of lubrication because you are not having sex.

For males, as you age your erections become less firm and the refractory time between them becomes longer. Guess what? The less sex you are having the less firm your erections will become and the lower your sex drive.

Use it or lose it is a very real statement when it comes to sex and desire.

Top Ten Tips to Improve Your Sex Life - Guaranteed Part 2

 For Him;


So now that the girls know what to do to help keep the guys interested, what can the guys do to guarantee they get more sex?
 We  know that women are a wee bit more complex than men when it comes to sex so lets look at some simple steps you can take to help her feel more in the mood and more often
(1) Notice her.
Women love it when you notice that they've had their hair done or done something different with their make up or are wearing a new outfit. You see we are doing a lot of that stuff to help keep you interested in us and if you give us a compliment it means that its working, it means that you are really paying attention to US and we like that.

The very first time I got my eyebrows shaped and tinted I thought to my self "I wonder how long it will take my darling to notice?". I was pleasantly surprised that he noticed as soon as he walked through the door. I shouldn't have been because he really LOOKS at me, not just a quick glance but  eye to eye contact and I feel it in his gaze that he loves me. That's what you want your lady to feel too.

(2) Tell her that you love her.

For no reason at all. Just tell her. You guys may be visual but girls are wordy. We need to hear the words spoken out loud. I know you are showing us everyday but we need to hear it too.

(3) Touch her.

Women need ten ( yes 10!) non sexual touches a day. Give her a hug before you leave for work and another as soon as you walk through the door. Hold hands while watching tv, stroke her back as she's passing you. It's not hard to do and we love it.  The more touching you do before we hit the bedroom the more likely we are to be in the mood when we get there.

Lets face it women are slow burners, so think of touching us as stoking the fire.

(4) The 10 second kiss.

We love kissing. If touching stokes the fire then kissing is adding even more fuel to it.

We are not talking about a swift peck on the cheek here though.

We want lip locking, tongue tangling, juicy kissing.

One great ten second kiss will make our knees weak and our hearts melt and we will be putty in your hands. And if we could have one of those  a day please, we would be very grateful, thank you very much.

(5)Gratitude.

Thank her for the dinner she just made you.

 Thank her for having your clothes clean and ready to wear tomorrow.

Thank her for running that errand for you during the day, when she probably had a million other little jobs to do.

If you thank her on a regular basis for all the little jobs she does for her it means you are not taking her for granted. When we slide into the murky waters of taking someone for granted we are often on the slippery slope of not noticing them, then comes only noticing the things they do that bother you and before you know it you are in the divorce courts wondering what the hell happened.

Make gratitude a habit and she will feel noticed, cared for and loved. Best of all she will also feel more like making love because she knows how much she means to you. Win/ Win.

(6) Call her a goddess.

The more you make her feel like she is something special the sexier she will feel.End of story.

(7) Call her gorgeous.

My husband worked next door to where I lived and before we even started going out I would see him most mornings as I went about my daily routine and whenever he saw me he would call out "Good morning gorgeous" and, just like she said in the movie "Jerry Maguire",  he had me at hello.

Most women have some issue with their body but if you tell her how beautiful she is everyday, slowly but surely she will start to feel more confident about how she looks. A confident women is a sexy women and if she knows it she will definitely let you know too.

(8) "I just called to say I love you."  ( I bet you just sang along to that didn't you?)

That's what Stevie Wonder sang in the 80's  and it still works today.

In fact you don't even need to tell her that you love her when you ring. Nope, just calling unexpectedly lets her know she was on your mind.

A sweet text will do the same thing but the sound of your voice will definitely make her melt more.

(9) Listen to her.

Look her in the eyes while she's talking to you. 

Yes, I do mean tear your eyes from the television screen and even better, put it on mute. Now she has your undivided attention. She is not necessarily looking for a solution but she does want to engage with you.

Women often complain that their men don't listen to them and it is generally because he's not paying attention while she talks. I you believe that her opinion matters then connect with her while she is talking to you.

(10) Take your time.

When we are making love don't race for the finish line. Good love making should be a marathon not a sprint.

Sprints are fine, every now and then but give us time to get in the race.  Slow and sensual is what we love the most.

All these tips have been about connecting on a daily level with your significant other. Helping them to feel cherished, loved and nurtured so that when you both step into the bedroom you are carrying that connection through into another aspect of your relationship.


What do you think ? What's your best tip to improving your sex life? I would love to hear your comments or even suggestions of what you'd like to read next.

Top Ten Tips for Improving your Sex Life- Guaranteed

Great sex begins, first and foremost, in the brain.

Truly spectacular sex is a build of little things done throughout the day.

 Little things that let you know that you are loved
and valued as a human being


For her:
(1) Love your body! Nothing, I repeat NOTHING is sexier to a man than a woman who loves her body and oozes self confidence. When you love your body it radiates out of you like a halo of energy and men are attracted to it like moths to a flame.

The more in touch with your body that you are the more sexy you feel.  The sexier that you feel the more your lover will be attracted to you.

The bonus? If you are single and radiating how much you love yourself and your body, the more men will be attracted to you.

Start by focusing on one aspect of your body that you like. Make sure to tell that part of your body how much you love it and how great it looks. Once you are truly enamoured of it, pick another part of your body . Keeping working away at ti until you love all your body or, at the minimum, are grateful for what it does for you.

(2) Practise Gratitude.

Everyday I tell my husband one thing that I am grateful for that he does for me. Every night, without fail, he thanks me for cooking him dinner. EVERY.NIGHT.He's been doing that ever since we got together 20 years ago. At first I thought it was a bit weird but now I realise he truly means it.

So find one thing that your husband or partner does and thank them for it.

You can buy one here.

If that feels too weird then start keeping a gratitude journal and write down all that you are grateful for, not just in your relationship but in your life.

I have been keeping a gratitude journal for years and one of the first things I always write down is how grateful I am fro my loving and supportive husband and for how our relationship has grown and deepened.

(3) Ask him for help with something.

Men are solution based creatures. Whenever you are venting to him about one of your girlfriends, he thinks that you are wanting him to help you solve the problem.

When you ask him for help he feels needed and valued  just like you do when he hugs you or tells you that he loves you.

And when he has solved your problem; installed the shelf, changed the oil in your car, fixed the squeaky door, whatever, thank him!

(4) Send him naughty texts.

The advent of cellphones is a boom for romance. It allows you to say things that you probably wouldn't say to his face. And there is nothing hotter than anticipation!

Be as daring as you re comfortable with but give him an idea of just what you would like to do to him when he gets home. Flex your flirting skills.

(5) Now that you've got him all hot and bothered wear one of his favourite outfits.

Men are visual creatures and love to look at their darlings all dressed up . This doesn't mean that you have to go over the top but showing off some of your assets in an outfit he loves will certainly help get him in the right frame of mind.

For my husband its seeing me in jeans and a white tee shirt. I'm sure your partner has told you how much he likes you in one of your outfits so make a point of wearing it for him when you want the sparks to fly.

(6) Pamper him.

Every now and then buy him his favourite beer or offer to massage his shoulders.

Just do one thing that is totally for him.

My darling and I love to share a bath together so sometimes I will have that ready for him when he gets home from work. Its a great way for us to both unwind and connect with each other.

(7) Let him know you think he is a Stud.

Just like we love to be told how sexy he thinks we are, men need to know how much of a sex god you think he is.

(8) Give him a flash!

The more unexpected the circumstances the more he will love it.


(9 ) Give him some space to hang out with the boys. No guilt trips. No nagging as to when he'll be home. Just time to be ....... and if you are really lucky he will do the same for you.


(10) Practise your pelvic floor exercises.

Lets face it pushing an 8 pound baby out of your vagina does things to it that it will never fully recover from.

There are lots of benefits to good pelvic floor control. Regular kegels bring a flush of blood to your vagina which is always a good thing. It can also aid in lubrication which becomes more of an issue as you get older.

The best benefit is allowing you to get a good grip on your partner which brings greater satisfaction to both of you.  Give it a go. what have you got to lose?


Coming soon Top Ten Tips for Improving Your Sex Life - Guaranteed   FOR HIM