An Ode to Men

Let me just state right up front that I love men in general and my husband in particular. Sure, men are hairy and loud. They fart and think that belching the alphabet is funny and they scratch their privates while in public but lets face it, where would we be without them?

Yes, I know that women are equally as awesome ( and obnoxious, in different ways)

Yes, I know that  women can do all that men can do.

I also know that we need to start taking the time to appreciate each other more.

I read 81 Things that Dads do that make us Weak at the knees which made me smile and remember raising my kids.

That post then inspired Steven Lake to write My Wife tells me Ten Things I do that Make her Happy

And now I'm writing my own list.

10 Things My Husband does that make me weak at the Knees:

(1) Empties the trash. No big deal, no "look what I'm doing for you". Nope, he just empties the trash. Sure he may not always replace the bin liner but so what?

(2) He is always glad to see me.  It doesn't matter if I am looking frazzled, with my hair pointing in every direction but the one I want it too or all glammed up  he always greets me  with "Hey Beautiful" . That is a little slice of heaven right there.

(3) He calls me his Life Wife. We are both doing this marriage thing for the second time so that is a vote of confidence in our relationship and our bond. *swoon*

(4) He says "thank you" after every meal. No matter what I cook for him he thanks me for a delicious meal. Every time. *double swoon*

(5) He always checks the car. Putting petrol in the car is about my limit when it comes to car maintenance. So if I am off on a trip he does all the blokey checks; tyres, oil and whatever else needs doing. He also schedules all the servicing after asking me if I need the car that day.

(6) He made it part of our wedding vows to keep me in chocolate and "bling". He looks at jewelery catalogs more than I do!

(7) He listens. Whenever I am talking to him I get his full attention. He makes eye contact and fully engages with what I am saying regardless of whether it interests him or not.

(8) He sends me texts so I know he's thinking of me. Once or twice a day I'll get a text from him just to say "hi". Some are smutty. some are lovey dovey. Either way I know he's been thinking of me . *melting*

(9) The way he smiles. Just that. Seeing his face wreathed in joy makes my heart go all gooey inside.

(10) His hugs. He wasn't much of a hugger when we first got together  but now he gives the best hugs ever.

Bonus (11) Love the way he is sooo gentle with animals.

Five Things I love about my Sons:

(1) They are not afraid to be totally themselves. They are all different and they are all proudly who they are.

(2) They embrace their soft side. My eldest has four kids and I have seen hi be incredibly gentle and tender with his daughters while encouraging them to be adventurous  too. My middle son used to try and organize romantic interludes for my hubby and me when he was 11. Or he would pick flowers for hubby to give me. So sweet

(3) They call their mother. My youngest just had some great news. Who did he call? His Mum. One hour later and we ran out of things to talk about. So grateful that they keep in touch.

(4) They know what I like. Youngest sent me a purple scarf from the US. ( Love purple, love scarves!) Middle son gave me a turquoise Buddha for my birthday ( I now have quite a collection of Buddhas). Eldest sent flowers and photos of my grandy's.

(5) They all end their calls with "Love you Mum" * just a puddle on the floor*

Three Things I love about my  (male) Hairdresser.

(1) He listens. Yup, listening is HUGE. HUGE I tell you!. By simply paying attention I feel validated, heard and valued.

(2) He cares. When my mother in law passed away earlier this year and I had a not-so-great haircut from one of the other stylists at the salon, Richard fixed it for me and made me feel great in the midst of a shitty, shitty time.

(3) He gets me. He understands the look I want to achieve and at the end of cutting my hair he says
" There you are. Now you look more like you." *swoon*
( If you want to check out his work go here )

Come back next week and I will post my "Ode to Women" for all the Fabulous ladies in my life.

Who do you need to show some appreciation too?


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How to Forgive the Unforgivable

People are often mean, uncaring and nasty.


Then there are the ones who are downright vicious.


Not everybody.

Not even most people, but some are.

And we need to forgive all of them because none of what they do to us is actually about us, it's about them. It's hard to believe, I know. You see somehow or other they have been damaged and the way that they know how to deal with that is by lashing out at someone else, and you happened to be their convenient target,

None of this is fair. None of this is your fault. what you choose to do with it is the only thing that you have control over and this is where it gets tricky. You are justified in feeling your hurt and your pain and your anger and it is healthy for you to feel those emotions...... for a while.

The trouble is some of us get hooked into feeling that this event, this wounding defines who we are. It doesn't.

You are not a rape survivor or a domestic violence survivor or a ( insert your own particular form of hell) survivor. Yes, you survived and that is worth celebrating but it is not the sum total of who you are. None of this is to diminish what you have been through ( or are going through) rather I am saying,  in my opinion, there is so much more to who you are that cannot be summed up in the blanket "survivor" terminology.

I recently had a blog post picked up and published on The Good Men Project which was very gratifying. I did get the shock of my life when I saw myself described as a "domestic violence survivor" because I have never identified myself as such - ever.

All of that happened to me  but I don't identify with it and I have worked, hard, to heal forgive and move on.

Forgiveness is not a one time, quick fix and move on type of deal. It takes time and compassion and most of all a firm belief that you are doing it for you not for them... all the thems.

So how do you forgive the unforgivable?

Here's what's worked for me:

(1)  Realize that they just don't know any better.

Years ago I was doing a course in community social work and the guest speaker was  a social worker who dealt with domestic violence and child abuse cases. I asked him how he managed to do the work day in day out and remain the cheerful person that he was. His reply was this "I realize that they just don't know any better and when they know better they do better."

This was reiterated for me when I read the "Conversations With God" books by Neale Donald Walsch in which he says in any given moment there is what serves you and was does not. We are all doing whatever our Soul needs for it's conscious evolution. ( this can take some getting your head around and I strongly recommend reading these books).

When I looked back at my childhood I realized that my Dad didn't know any different. His own father was probably also a bully. Watch any Billy Connolly  video and you will see that this was common place in Glasgow, where my father grew up and where I was born. Does that make it acceptable? No. But he didn't know any better. It was all he saw, heard and had instilled in him. could he have chosen differently? Absolutely.

(2) Understanding and Compassion.

We all make choices. I choose to live in a world of understanding and compassion. I chose to be different from my father, that was a conscious choice and has lead me down a very different path to my father and most of my family. I choose to work in the field of personal development, healing and spiritual awareness. That is my choice and I am happy to live with it.

It also gives me the perspective to stand back and have compassion for all those that suffer, including those that have hurt me. It wasn't about me . It was about them trying to deal with their own demons and thinking that was a solution. And for that I feel compassion for  them.

(3) Choose happiness

There is a saying  "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I choose happiness. And you can too. Choose to feel happy about where you are now in your life. It might sound simplistic but  embrace all the good that you have in your life now

(4) Practice gratitude

Not right away.

Not as a knee jerk reaction.

But at some point be grateful for what has taken place because it has made you resilient and strong and capable and an advocate for others who are still struggling to cope ..

Be grateful that you don't live in the head of the person who hurt you because that must be a very scary, lonely place to be.

Be grateful for the choice you made to survive and thrive and be happy and to make better choices than the ones your perpetrator did.

Be grateful that they showed you all the ways you did not  want to be. Sure you may have found easier ways to learn that lesson but this is what life dealt you

(5) Forgive yourself

Forgive yourself for carrying the pain for years. Forgive yourself for not wanting to forgive them. Forgive yourself for everything.

Often, forgiving ourselves is even harder than forgiving them. Do it anyway.

(6) Love yourself

Practice loving yourself. They are never going to love you they way you wanted them too. They are never going to love you how you felt you should be loved so get to work realizing that you are worth loving. Fill yourself up with your own love and work on letting the little child inside you know that she/he is loved too. No conditions. Nothing to prove. You always were lovable.

(7) Take your time

Be gentle with yourself and give your self plenty of time. Others might think that "you should be over that by now" but it's not their journey. It is yours and you can take as long as you need to forgive and heal.

(8)It's not about them
 Forgiveness is not about them. You forgive to set yourself free not to absolve them of their wrongdoing. Holding on to the anger and pain hurts you. It hurts your body and makes you bitter. Forgiveness is like a balm for the soul, it makes you feel lighter and happier and free.
Start with a small thing to forgive and work your way up, just like building a muscle. Do it for you.

(9) Just because you have forgiven them doesn't mean you have to hang out with them

Because you don't.

Forgiveness does not mean that all that happened in the past is now okay and that you are now going to be best friends or resume anything resembling a normal parent child relationship. Sure, you can if you want to. It is purely your choice.

Sometimes we just need to love people from a distance.

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Random acts of violence

The world was rocked yesterday when yet another random of act of senseless violence took place during the Boston marathon. As yet there is no clear indication of who perpetrated this act or why. Some terrorist=st groups have laid claim to it but no one knows who is to blame or what the motives were.

What we do know is that tragedy brings out the best in people. There are stories being told , already, of those that rushed towards the mayhem to assist others , you can read one here.

Comedian, Patton Oswald posted on Facebook and it has gone viral. Best line, in my opinion, of his post?

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will."

So while we are all still in the state of asking "Why  could this happen?  Why  would any one do such a thing?" and a million other whys, lets pause and ask what we are doing to change it?

Gandhi stated that we need to be the change that we want to see in the world. Edmund Burke said The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I guess we are all waiting for someone to come along and fix things and all the while we forget that we are someone.

The trouble is we have all gotten so used to playing small, to blending in, to not rocking the boat. We figure someone else will fix it but not us because we can't do anything. But as Marianne Williamson so famously said  our playing small does not serve the world.

It really is time for our brilliance to shine forth. Why? Because the world can not take much more of this; the violence , the rapes, the myriad, small senseless acts of violence every day, the myriad large senseless acts of war everyday.


Yes, we are small but we are many and millions of small acts of kindness and love and hope every day. EVERY. DAY! will change the world. One small thing can cause a huge ripple effect and who knows how far those ripples will spread?


Last year when my accountant had gotten me a nice sum of money back from the tax department I sent her  this as a thank you. No big deal, right? Well I was talking to her recently and mentioned that I thought she was worth her weight in gold, forgetting that it was exactly what I had sent her last year and she told me that she had kept that bucket, on the top shelf of her pantry and looked at it every morning and it still made her smile. She has been an accountant for over twenty years and that was the first time she had received a thank you gift- ever!  Such a small gesture on my part and yet it had made a lasting impact on her.


Now, imagine if we  all tried to do one small thing every day, to make someone's day brighter what impact would that have on the world? So that is my challenge to you. Try it for a week, or a month or a year and then come back and share your stories.