Too sensitive, too soft, too.......

 I have always been too ...... something. Somehow or other I have never "fit" . I am the ultimate round peg in a square whole ( yes I know its supposed to be a square peg in a round hole but frankly I prefer round pegs)

Today I read this post at Elephant Journal and gave a huge "Hell, yes!" because that is me too!

Even at family gatherings I was sitting off to the side, not feeling like I belonged, feeling that somehow I just didn't fit.

I remember that I always used to sit in the bay window at my aunty's house. I never realized that I always did it until one time my Uncle came and sat next to me and said "whenever you come to visit you always end up sitting here"  When we first moved from Glasgow to NZ we lived at my aunty and uncle's house for a year and the bay window was my bedroom. I was three. I remember I always felt safe in there This is why I needed to feel safe

I now know that I am an introvert. Oh sure, I can be the life and soul of the party if I want to. In fact most of my friends would be surprised to learn that I am an introvert. The truth is I am happiest in my own company. I can go days without leaving my house and when I do I just want to rush back to the safety and sanity of my sacred space.

I feel things.... deeply. I feel my emotions and I also feel yours. I feel what you are saying and also what you are not saying. I "read"your energy and the energy of the room. I can feel underlying tension at ten paces.

I miss nothing.  It drives my husband crazy. I know exactly what he has been doing, what rooms he has walked into, what cupboards he has opened.

Everything.

How?

Because I pay attention.
 
 I know the sound of  each door in our house and each cupboard. I know where everything is. I pay attention. Not just in my house but when I come to visit you, I pay attention to all the stuff . I notice when you shift things or add something new.

It's called hypervigilance.

I call it being a detective.

I also sit and observe. In fact I would rather do that than have to make conversation. Unless I have something to say I find idle chit chat banal and boring.

I would much rather know what makes you tick, who are you, what lights you up, what scares you? Than the answer to how your day has been or what the weather is like or what you do for a job. Because frankly I don't care about that stuff.

I want to know what makes your heart ache.... for the beauty of the world or from the depths of despair.

I used to retract into myself , to pull away from the world because it was all to painful and people , well people were just mean. They said things to cut and taunt you because you were not like them.

Ahhhh but now, now I realise that my sensitivity is a blessing and a gift. It helps me to make sense of the world and see through those words and taunts to the pain that you have so valiantly tried to cover by lashing out.

My sensitivity has made me who I am and for that I am truly grateful. I am better person, a better therapist because of it.

So if ever anyone tells you that you are 'too sensitive"just smile and say "thank you, yes I am and I am grateful" because you have discovered a deep lesson. By keeping yourself open to all of the worlds harshness and staying sensitive, you get to see its true beauty and you get to FEEL it in the core of your being.

Random acts of violence

The world was rocked yesterday when yet another random of act of senseless violence took place during the Boston marathon. As yet there is no clear indication of who perpetrated this act or why. Some terrorist=st groups have laid claim to it but no one knows who is to blame or what the motives were.

What we do know is that tragedy brings out the best in people. There are stories being told , already, of those that rushed towards the mayhem to assist others , you can read one here.

Comedian, Patton Oswald posted on Facebook and it has gone viral. Best line, in my opinion, of his post?

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, "The good outnumber you, and we always will."

So while we are all still in the state of asking "Why  could this happen?  Why  would any one do such a thing?" and a million other whys, lets pause and ask what we are doing to change it?

Gandhi stated that we need to be the change that we want to see in the world. Edmund Burke said The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

I guess we are all waiting for someone to come along and fix things and all the while we forget that we are someone.

The trouble is we have all gotten so used to playing small, to blending in, to not rocking the boat. We figure someone else will fix it but not us because we can't do anything. But as Marianne Williamson so famously said  our playing small does not serve the world.

It really is time for our brilliance to shine forth. Why? Because the world can not take much more of this; the violence , the rapes, the myriad, small senseless acts of violence every day, the myriad large senseless acts of war everyday.


Yes, we are small but we are many and millions of small acts of kindness and love and hope every day. EVERY. DAY! will change the world. One small thing can cause a huge ripple effect and who knows how far those ripples will spread?


Last year when my accountant had gotten me a nice sum of money back from the tax department I sent her  this as a thank you. No big deal, right? Well I was talking to her recently and mentioned that I thought she was worth her weight in gold, forgetting that it was exactly what I had sent her last year and she told me that she had kept that bucket, on the top shelf of her pantry and looked at it every morning and it still made her smile. She has been an accountant for over twenty years and that was the first time she had received a thank you gift- ever!  Such a small gesture on my part and yet it had made a lasting impact on her.


Now, imagine if we  all tried to do one small thing every day, to make someone's day brighter what impact would that have on the world? So that is my challenge to you. Try it for a week, or a month or a year and then come back and share your stories.