Wounded Women

We are all wounded to some degree - both men and women and since I am a female I will speak to what I know of female wounds.

We are wounded by a society that doesn’t see the value of what we contribute to society. Women are still paid less than men for doing the same work. Not to mention the fact that women who choose to stay at home and raise the next generation of human beings, which is the most valuable career on the entire planet, are often referred to as “just a Mum” . This devaluing of our role in society is so ingrained that we refer to ourselves the same way.

We are wounded by the portrayal of women as mere sex object; draped over cars, half naked to advertise anything and everything, objectified in a myriad different ways and splashed across billboards in larger than life technicolour. Diminishing who we are and reducing women to an object purely for the male gaze does great harm to both sexes.

We are wounded by a culture that insinuates that when a woman is raped it is somehow her fault: “what did she think would happen wearing an outfit like that?” “She was asking for it”. “Why was she out walking alone at night?” Rape culture is real and pervasive and again it harms both sexes. Men worry they will be falsely accused of rape and women never fully drop their guard with men always worrying if they will be taken advantage of.We are wounded whenever a woman is called a bitch for standing up for herself or other women.


We are wounded when women in high positions  (like running for president) are critiqued for their outfit choice, hair style and make up while their male counterparts can have orange-glowing, fake tans and absurd comb overs and it barely rates a mention.

We are wounded every time a woman is criticized for being “too sensitive’, “too emotional” or “too soft”. We are wounded  when bullying behaviour by boys (or men) is dismissed as “Boys will be boys” there by negating our feelings and diminishing our concerns.And then there are the ancestral wounds from generations of women being killed in the name of religion for being “witches” when in fact, they were healers and midwives and wise women.

Not to mention the religious wounding of women having to cover themselves (Islam, Mennonites, Amish,certain Christian sects to name a few. The suppression and oppression of women is many and varied. It is real and it is still taking place daily in lots of little and big ways. It impacts every woman whether we realize it or not. It strikes us deep in the very core of our femininity - our womb, and in doing so makes us shrink back into ourselves. We doubt our creative offerings in the world. We numb ourselves more with just one more glass of wine or one more piece of chocolate and laugh about how we can’t make it through the day without them. The reality is we use them to help us cope with the desensitization and constant undermining of our worth . Not to mention the high rate of women on antidepressants.

You may have been reading along and going “mmhmm, yup I can relate to that” then you will also recognize that a shift is taking place, that the Goddess energy is starting to rise up - in more ways than one. New artifacts of Goddesses are being discovered ( here and here) and you may also notice the word Goddess being bandied about in all sorts of places.

There is also a lot of talk of womb healing, yoni eggs(including a segment on Conan which had him looking quite frankly, terrified) and yoni mapping ( yes, it’s a thing)

It seems like women are not only feeling the rise of the Goddess energy but they are also waking up and looking for any means to clear and release old paradigms from their wombs, their bodies and their lives. A kind of silent  revolution is taking place and women are claiming more sovereignty over their bodies and their sexuality.

Are you ready to join the revolution?
Sign up for my FREE webinar on Monday 10 October at 11am and find out ho to reconnect to your Divine Feminine

Uncovering your authentic self

Who are you?

Now, who are you really?

Aside from your name and your job title who are you?

Being authentic is one of those catch phrases that gets bandied about a lot lately and it seems like we are all trying to figure out just who the hell we really are.

Why is that?

Well, generally it is becasue we have spent so much fucking time and energy trying to please somebody, or several somebodies, or everybody. We seem to have got the message early in our life that we just weren't measuring up so we figured that we needed to be "something else" only that never felt quite right so we tried again and again to be "just right"

Oh my God it's exhausting just writing that all down. But we've all done it haven't we?

Smiled when we wanted to cry.

Smiled when inside we were seething.

Smiled and said "I'm fine" when we wanted to scream and fall apart.

Smiled, through gritted teeth and smiled and smiled and kept everything so tightly wrapped so you didn't unravel.... until.

Until you noticed that your face ached and your stomach felt tied in knots and you were looking forward so, so much to that glass of wine ( or three) at the end of the day so you could "relax"  only you still felt wound tight as a drum.

Until your body was screaming at you, in constant pain with lots of little, and big, niggles; headaches, back aches, aches upon aches, sore throats, chest infections, skin eruptions. Oh,the list is long.

Until. You. Just. Can't. Take. It. Any. More.

So you set out to be your most authentic self..... only you have forgotten what that looks like. Or feels like.

In fact you just feel numb and Oh my God, so TIRED.

You have forgotten how to just be you.

You have forgotten how to have fun without alcohol

You have forgotten how to feel.

How do you get back to yourself?

(1) Start saying "no"

If someone offers you something; a piece of cake, a job, the chance to go to a party and you don't feel a "Hell, Yeah" inside of you then it's a "Hell, No". End of story.
doing things out of obligation or a sense of "having to" isn't fun for anybody so don't do it.

(2) Spend some time alone

We get so used to  being plugged in; to our phones, to the internet, that we forget what it is like to be alone with our own thoughts. try it. Try for one day to disconnect from the phone, from the computer, from other people. Just be with yourself and see what comes up. Figure out what you love to do and do that.

(3) Remember

Find some pictures of you when you were a child, the younger the better and try and remember what lit you up then. Chances are there is some part of you that would still love that now.

(4) Play

Take sometime to paly. Splash in puddles. Blow bubbles. Spend the afternoon coloring in. Or ride your bike. Go to the beach.

Spend some time doing nothing much at all that doesn't involve electronics. You might find you actually like it.

(5) Spend time in Nature

Nature soothes us like nothing else. It takes us back to our primal state and restores our Soul.

(6) Journal

Handwriting activates different parts of our brain and helps us to unravel all the ideas, thoughts and beliefs that we have banging around inside our heads.  Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way" is a great place to start as it gives you writing prompts for each day.


(7) Book a session

If all else fails book a session with me so we can uncover what is truly holding you back from being your most awesome self.

Breaking down, Breaking through

I've been reading  "Women who run with the wolves" by Clarissa Pinkola Estes and last night I read the chapter about the Ugly Duckling and how it never really fit in anywhere and how this is the epitome of the Wild Women.

I was nodding so vigorously my head nearly fell off because that was me.

All through my child hood I felt like I didn't fit in.

When I was in my teens I was convinced that I must have been adopted even though I looked exactly like my brothers and sisters and was often mistaken as a twin of one of my sisters.

I just felt alien, other, different, wrong.

I also couldn't stand my name - or any variations of it. So I tried on different names and settled on my initials for a time.

I thought things would get better when I left home. They didn't.

My mother in law had distinct ideas of how and who I should be and try as I might I wasn't that
either.
Want to read more? Click here

The Joy is in the Journey

I bet you thought this blog was going to be about a road trip….. And it is.

Kind of.
Only the road trip we are taking is one through our sex lives.

Part of the fun of a road trip is the journey itself; the scenery, the pit stops,the checking out the random things you see and suddenly must investigate further. Well, sex is just like that and just like no road trip is complete without someone asking, from the back seat, “are we there yet?” often our sex ride is interrupted by some one asking (or thinking!)”are we there yet?”, which in sex talk looks more like “where did my orgasm go?”.

The trouble is too many of us, especially us women, are focused on the end goal - arriving at the destination marked “Orgasm” rather than just enjoying the journey.

Great sex should be more of a marathon than a sprint, although that analogy tends to make it sound more like a test of endurance and stamina rather than the joyful adventure that it is.

We all seem to feel so pressured ( again, I’m talking to you, ladies) on reaching an orgasm in a short space of time and we seem to forget that sex is supposed to be fun, first and foremost.

With all this pressure to “hurry up and come” we lose the ability to be fully present in the moment and experience all the sensations and bliss that is happening right now, in this moment.

Nowhere was this made more clear to me than in a recent article I read on XOJane.

The article itself was great as it was giving  five  ways to make masturbation even better and spoke of setting the mood,using a yoni egg and meditation among other things but it was the comments that I found most interesting, for two reasons; (1) the amount of women who were worried about the yoni egg disappearing inside of them which just shows the disconnect from our bodies and basic anatomy and (2) how many of them were looking at just “getting off” and wanting tips for better vibrators.


Now there is nothing wrong with vibrators or wanting a "quick orgasm",  I'm just saying it shouldn't be like all the time. we should learn to savour the trip so here are my tips for slower, sexier journeys


(1) Take in the scenery


Just like on a road trip you take time to admire the views the same can be said for a good sex session. Take the time to admire your partner.

 Notice their long legs, their broad shoulders and their cute little toosh.

Spend time exploring their body.

(2) Have a pit stop





Go get a drink or something sexy to nibble on. Hydration is always essential for an extended session which then leads to.....
Take a pee break. Nothing will take the focus off your orgasm quicker than needing to pee!


(3) Change drivers

Everyone gets tired so if one partner has been doing all the hard yards give them a break and you take over for awhile.

(4) We're here!

Even if only one of you orgasms it can still have been a fun trip. Focusing only on the destination can make any adventure long and tortuous but going along for the ride, just for ufn, makes it all worthwhile.


The biggest thing I want you to get from this blog post is to just S-L-O-W D-O-W-N. Take your time. Take the pressure off both you and your partner about when or if you are going to orgasm. The more you tense up and stress about it the more fleeting it will become. Just relax, breathe and enjoy the ride.

PS: and if all else fails there is always vibrators!
 
PPS and as an FYI there is no way a yoni egg can "disappear" inside of you to wander forlornly among your entrails. NOPE, ain't going to happen

What love looks like

I just spent the weekend celebrating my father in law's eighty eighth birthday which involved all his kids, their husband's or wives, various grandchildren and their partners and a few of his great grandchildren thrown in for good measure. It also meant four birthday cakes and who can resist that?

I am lucky enough to have a father in law who I absolutely adore and even luckier to know that the feelings are mutual. I was also blessed with a loving mother in law but sadly she passed away a couple of years ago which makes our family gatherings extra poignant these days.

My f in l ( as he calls himself, which always makes me giggle as it sounds almost like I'm swearing at him) was and still is completely devoted to his wife and talks of her often and how they first met and some of the mischief they got up to back in the day.

We all tend to think of our in laws and elders as being stuffy sexless creatures and we forget that they were young and passionate once too. I love that he is willing to share some of that passion with me  let me know that passion doesn't fade. Sure the body might not be quite as willing but the fire doesn't die out completely... or ever.
Things that my F in L has taught me:


(1) Family matters  and love matters most of all

I have been welcomed into this family from the first day.  I probably wouldn't have been the first ( or even second ) choice for their son  as I was ten years younger and had three kids already, one of whom was only a babe in arms. I'm not sure what they thought of me then and they never showed me anything other than love.. and my boys too. That in itself is priceless.

(2) Judgment is best left at the door

I am not the world's greatest housekeepers. Ok, let's be real, I suck at housekeeping. Thankfully my mother in law ( or M in L) never, ever judged the appearance of my house when they came for visits. In fact , one time I apologized for the state of the house and she replied " we came to see you not the house." and for that I will always love her!

(3) Even when you disagree love trumps all

Early on my husband and his mother had an argument and she hung up on him... but they soon made up because that's what family does. They could never get their head around the fact that my parents and I are still not talking after 7 years - that just seemed like a waste to them ( and yes, I have reached out to them and yes, it is a long involved story and no, it won't be healed any time soon)

(4) Acceptance is everything

I write about sex. I podcast about sex (if you haven't listened in yet , go check it out). I call myself a Sex Goddess. All of which my in laws never bat an eye - ever. In fact, they both used to check in with me as to how my business was/is going.

The bottom line in all of this is that love trumps everything. That's it. So let's spread more love out there in the world

The world will be saved by western woman

 So said the Dalai Lama in 2009.

 And yet here we are in 2016 with stories of Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian getting into a twitter spat over whether Taylor did or did not know that Kanye West would be calling her a bitch in his song "Famous" ( which, fyi, I have not listened to and do not intend to).

Or we have this delightful woman taking a naked photo of another unsuspecting gym user and posting it on her snapchat

What I would like to know is when all this "sisterhood", women nurturing and supporting other women is going to kick in?

 I have hope, I truly do.

I see awesome support in various women only Facebook groups I belong to ( Shout out to Natasha Corbin's Heart Centred Soul Driven group and Melissa Sandon's Soul Leaders group to name just two!).

I talk with awesome women on my podcast who are doing great work in the world and helping other women to shine in their lives and relationships.

And then I see stories of women mocking someone else because of their size or I read the comments on some posts that people make where the women are often the harshest critics and I despair.

For some reason women feel like they have to put other women down in order to build themselves up. I get it. I used to be like that when I was in my twenties and then I had kids and I realised that actually youth fades, quickly and there is a lot more that goes into making a woman beautiful and very little of it has to do with her looks.

But we are still so quick to judge another by their looks; whether it's a politician or a movie star or worse a movie star that has felt so much pressure to look a certain way that she has succumbed to plastic surgery or  judging another actress for not aging well .

Let's all just decide that people are allowed to look the way they want to and instead focus on fixing the world because, I don't know if you've noticed, but the world has really let itself go lately and could do with a serious makeover so let's fix that first okay?

Nurturing your Inner Child

None of us get through our childhood unscathed.

Even if you had the best parents in the world.

Even if all the teachers you had were supportive  of your unique take on the world.

Even if the religion you followed allowed you to fully express all aspects of yourself.

Even if the society you live in was the most inclusive and liberal.

You can see where I'm going with this, right?

You see when we were born we were at our most open, trusting and vulnerable and we had no filters. that means we took everything as gospel, as the pure truth because we had nothing else to judge it by.

If someone told us we were ugly we believed them. If someone told us that we were useless and not worth the time spent talking to us, we took that in too.

The truth is they didn't even have to say a word - we soaked everything up like a sponge; the good, the bad and the downright ugly. All was taken in and laid down in our subconscious mind and shaped how we viewed life from then on.

That voice you have in your head telling you that you are never going to amount to anything, that you will never find love? That comes from way back then.

And we can't blame those who instilled those messages into us. They were just teaching us what they learned when they were young. No parent sets out to damage their child ( generally speaking. Yes, their are some damaged individuals who inflict child abuse but in broad sweeping terms most parents want the best  for their kids).

Buried deep inside of us is a wounded child. A child that needs our love, forgiveness and compassion as if they were standing in front of you right now with tears streaming down their face and looking to you to make it all okay.

How do we go about making it okay? How do we kiss the boo boos away and tend to those past hurts?

Here's  a few simple steps you can take:

(1) Acknowledge the hurts. We can't heal what we don't acknowledge and sometimes the healing lies in the acknowledgement.

(2)  Do a visualization and imagine sitting down with your inner child and asking them what they need for healing. This can be a powerful process for healing on all levels. Imagine taking the younger you onto your lap and giving them a big hug and listening to all they have to tell you.

(3) Write your younger self a letter telling yourself all the messages that you had longed to hear. how valuable you are as a person, how much you are loved and treasured.

(4) Place photos of you when you were younger around your work space so you can remember to connect with that younger aspect of yourself. Let it be a reminder to have fun and play.

(5) Most of all be gentle with yourself and know that whatever your childhood was like you survived and you are here now and that in itself is a precious gift.

What is your favorite way to nurture your inner child?

I have a new addiction!

Sssshhhh! I have a new addiction and it could be getting out of hand.

I love my yoni eggs!

I currently only have two but have my eyes ( and heart set on) another two... at least for now.

I have a jade egg and a rose quartz one and while I love them both I am having a greater relationship with the jade on at present- though I am sure that will change from time to time.

I love to have my eggs either in me or on me at all times. I carry them in my pockets, in my bra or sleep with them under my pillow or inside me. Once I've done my exercise for the day I take my egg out and tuck it into a pouch and snuggle it in my bra for the rest of the day .

So why am I so addicted? It's really very simple - I feel more connected and tuned in to my own feminine essence when I am using my eggs in this way.Not only do the eggs work on toning your pelvic floor muscles, bring more blood flow to your genitals and aid in lubrication but the crystals themselves also do their wok on you.

On an energetic level yoni eggs open a channel from your genitals to your heart and right up to the crown chakra helping you to embody more of your higher self in your daily life.


I even did a complete podcast all about jade eggs listen to it here . Yes, I have gone egg crazy and I'm loving it. Actually so is my husband, he 's noticed how much more vibrant I am and when I told him what I was doing he suggested I keep doing it.

I have also talked recently with Stacey Herrera and we talked all about Skin Hunger and why so many people are suffering from it today. Since that talk I have upped my self care routine and added in more things that bring me pleasure because I think a lot of us a pleasure starved too.

Love is Love

In 1978 I left school and started work for a government department in downtown Auckland, New Zealand. To say I was naive would be an understatement but I was working with lovely people of all ages and ethnicity.

One of those was a lovely lady called Taina.

Taina had a deep voice  and was often mistaken for a male by people who called in. I didn't think anything of that as I had been mistaken for a boy by my priest during confession once upon a time when I still did such things.

Then one day one of the older men from one of the other sections on our floor came over to ask wher "he" was. I didn't know who he was referring to until one of the other workers said that Taina wasn't in that day.

To say I was confused would be an understatement. I asked Taina why some people referred to her as "he" and what that was all about and she carefully explained that she had been born a "he" but had undergone a sex change years earlier. She also explained some of the bull shit that went along with that.

Since she had started work as a male, once she underwent her surgery, if she chose to go by her new name and identity she would lose all seniority and pay rises that she had accrued til that time and would be starting from the bottom.

To add insult to injury there was also the issue of the bathrooms.

The ladies didn't want her to use the ladies bathroom and she didn't want to use the men's one so every time she needed to go she had to go down three floors and exit the building to use a public.
restroom.

Needless to say this made me very angry and that is how I ended up in my first ever gay right's protest march - yelling "What do we want ? Gay right's ! When do we want them? Now!" . Right at the front. We even made the 10 0'clock news and were on the telly - much to my father's disgust.

And here we are, in 2016, still calling for the same things.

Still caring who is having sex with who ( or whom, I'm never sure) when all that matters is that people are loving people. Why do we care what parts of them they rub against each other when love is all that is being made?

So here we are, in 2016, grieving for  those that were killed at the nightclub in Orlando.

Why? Because some  one couldn't cope with there being people who love other people being affectionate out in public.

Do you know what I would do in that situation - look away.

Except love doesn't offend me.

Violence offends me.

Homophobia offends me.

People not having equal rights offends me.

But no, love doesn't offend me at all.

To all those who are grieving for those young lives that were lost ( and that's all of us who are not offended by love , right?) my heart goes out to you. Let's turn towards each other and hold each other and spread more love and most of all let us send love to those who hate for they are the ones who need it the most.

Sacred sexual Soul Healing

Get comfy this could be a long post so go grab yourself a cuppa - I'll wait.


Right, let's talk about sex and the energy that gets exchanged during it and where that all ends up.

We all know that we are energetic, light beings - well I'm just going to go ahead and see you nodding your head to that and assume you agree. And sex is one of the ways that we connect with others on an energetic level. In fact it is the only way that we merge our energy body completely with another. When we engage in a sexual act our chakras all align ( well , there are probably lots of positions where this is not entirely true and it would take too long to list all of them so let's just assume (again) that most sex acts line our chakras up or that this will happen at some point during most sexual encounters). Not only do they align but energy is transferred and a residue of that is left behind at the end of that encounter.

Now just pause for a moment and think of all the sexual encounters you have had to date. Yup, go all the way back to the very first fumblings when you were first exploring your sexuality. Yes, even those times when you were all on your own and playing around.

But their was no one else involved then so why are we including that?

Ahh, well you see there was probably an element of fear or shame or " Oh my God if someone found me they would be so shocked/disgusted/horrified. I must be a bad person. Maybe I'm a pervert?" type of anxiety and yes, all of that gets lodged in there as well.

Now, you might be wondering where exactly this all gets stored in your body and the answer is primarily, in your genitals and if you are female, also in your womb, for men that is the hara or lower dan tien.

But that is not the only way that we store energy in our body, oh no. It also gets stored through negative or emotionally charged events. In fact in her book Vagina, Naomi Wolf talks about how women become emotionally shut down and numbed due to  cat calling, name calling, off colour, misogynistic jokes and the list goes on. And no, it is not just that we are more emotionally sensitive it is that directly impacts our pudendal nerve, an intricate network of nerves that connect every part of our genitals to our brain.

Just pause for a moment ladies and think of how many times a day you get the message that some part of your body is not acceptable. Here's a few to get you started

•  every time we see an ad suggesting we shave our vulva
• every time we see a tampon commercial with that blue dye because our real blood would be too gross
• every picture of an airbrushed model with skin smoothed to perfection

Or how about the songs talking about bitches and "ho's"?  Or the times you have been called a skank, slut, bitch, whore or some other derogatory name? Or the fact that calling someone a "pussy" is an insult? Or how about the word "cunt" being an insult? The male equivalent of "dick", which is the only time male genitals are used in an insulting way, just doesn't have the same punch to it.

And let's not forget the leering, overly friendly , groping we also put up with - maybe not daily but often enough to make us feel uncomfortable.

I also know that you men suffer insults and threats to your manhood that can make you toughen up, shut down and close off. Endless fears the you will be considered "gay" when you were in your teens. Or worse if you were gay and terrified that someone would "out" you. Taunts of being a wimp, a pussy, a girl for not being tough enough or masculine enough ( whatever the hell that means).

And who can forget the impact that religion has on our sexuality ( actually I did and had to dd this paragraph in later. Ooops!) . Raised as a good catholic girl the strictures around sex are strong and can take a lifetime to break but it's not just the Catholics - all religions want to have soem say in how you express yourself sexually.

All of those experiences impact us at the  lower three chakras; solar plexus -self esteem, sacral - our sexuality and sensuous nature and the base chakra - our sense of belonging to the tribe. They leave a residue of "not good enough", a taint of shame, a blush of "not worthy" and all those emotions leave us feeling unclean, dirty, disconnected from our most sensual selves. They impair our enjoyment in life . Not to mention our reveling in the pleasure of our sexual nature.

If you have read this far I am guessing that you are wondering just how you can clear out all this nasty crap? How do we clear our sexual past from our wombs and genitals? How do we clear the emotional baggage from our past relationships?

There are a few ways :

• Counselling
• EFT or tapping - tapping on specific meridian points while repeating phrases associated with your emotional intensity
• Joining my SSSH! Sacred Sexual Soul Healing group for an energetic tune up weekly.

Energetic healing is a (relatively) new form of healing. Well, that is to say it is becoming more readily recognised as a form of healing. Hands on healing and Reiki have been around for years. Master Usui, who  developed Reiki, had a distant healing symbol in amongst his arsenal. Reiki can be sent anywhere, across all time, space and dimensions.

Now you might be asking yourself what that has to do with sexual healing? Simple - by sending Reiki to all the members of the group as an energetic detox we can shift, clear and let go of a butt load ( no pun intended) of huge crappola and the utmost, super fabulosity of all this that as the group grows so does the energy and , you guessed it, the clearing and releasing does massive uplevel as well. All of this takes place while you are going about your business.

No regurgitating your story to whoever will listen.

No weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth.

Now, you do have to do your part by getting clear on what you want to release, being open to the energy flow and taking care of yourself through the process. What that looks like is (1) drinking loads of water to clear out your energy system (2) having an Epsom Salt bath to assist the electrical shifting that occurs and (3) be open to noticing the coincidences and synchronicities that abound in your life.

Sounds awesome, right?

If you want to find out more go check out my website but only do it if you really want to change your life.

Rewilding Yourself

Years ago we brought home some ex- battery farm chickens. These chickens had never known anything other than being confined so it was amazing to watch them come to terms with being outside for the first time. In fact two of them didn’t even know how to get out of the box while the other one leapt straight out. It took them a while to learn how to scratch in the dirt and my husband became their human rooster and dug up worms for them - he even made a rooster type noise to call them over and show them what he had for the. In no time at all their feathers grew back and they lived the life of an outdoor free range chook.

I once, many years ago, had a cat that had never been out of a cage. He was three years old and a pedigree Abysinnian - beautiful cat. At that time I lived in a bus but even that space was too large for him and he hid behind the chest of drawers. The first time we took him outside he kept shaking his paws as he didn’t like the feel of the wet grass on his feet.

Just last week I got a 17 week old kitten who again has never been outside. She is absolutely gorgeous and yesterday we opened the door and let her venture outside. It took her a few minutes before she was stalking the chickens, chasing butterflies and racing up the nearest tree. She did keep coming back to home base every now and then just to reassure herself that she could still go back inside if she wanted to. Over the coming days we will let her spend more and more time outside and let her be her natural, wild self.

All of which brings me to you.

Just as animals have their inherent wild nature so do we. I’m not talking about being out of control but instead connecting more to the natural rhythms of life. Paying attention to the cycles and flows within us and around us. We all know that women have cycles of 28 days, give or take a day here or there, just as the moon ebbs and flows but we have lost touch with what that means for us.

We have lost touch with our bodies.


We live very much in our heads and with the influx of so much technology we are living ever more connected to a technological world and less and less with the world within us. I wrote a blog last week on “How to Survive a Bad Day” and had people comment that I should “choose to be happy” as if that was the be all and end all of human existence. We have learned to numb our feelings instead of taking the time to embrace them and truly allow ourselves to feel what we feel.

It’s almost as if we are afraid of our feelings, as though if we really allowed ourselves to feel that we may get lost in them and not able to find our way out. The internet, our cell phones, social media, drugs and alcohol all offer us tools to distance ourselves from each other and all those messy feelings we feel. There is always some form of distraction at our fingertips.

What if instead we chose to re-wild ourselves? What if we gave ourselves permission to feel all our feelings? What if we tuned into our bodies and listened to the wisdom there instead of tuning it out, drowning it out? What if we slowed back down to the speed of life instead of racing ahead to the next shiny thing, the glittering future? What if , in the words of that sixties Guru, Ram Dass, we chose to be here, now? What would that look like?

As a woman I have taken the time to reconnect to my womb and the deep wisdom that is stored there and not just my womb but my whole body. It can be as simple as eating when you are hungry and then paying attention to how that food makes you feel. Tuning into the messages that your body is giving you and then taking action to resolve the problems and trust me, your body is talking to you every day in a myriad of different ways. You don’t want to wait until you are sick before you slow down and take a break, far better to take the time off when you are well so you can actually enjoy it.

How can you connect to your body today?

Opening into Yes

There are two words that women struggle with; Yes and No.

Generally we will say to Yes to anything and No is the word that we really struggle with.

I was in the supermarket today and got chatting to the woman waiting in line behind me (yes, I am one of those people that talk to random strangers) and she was saying how exhausted she was as she has had constant visitors for the past month with more wanting to come and stay over the Easter break and her husband had already said “yeah, sure, no problem” . She is struggling to say “No. No I’m exhausted. No, I need some space”

Learning to use “no” is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself but that is not what this essay is about. What I want to discuss is the trouble that we have with saying ”yes”; Yes to pleasure, Yes to space for ourselves, yes to opening into being present.

*Side note: while writing this I took a short detour around the internet and found this blog post from  a forty year old woman who has never orgasmed with her partner* ( Um, seriously? What the absolute fuck??? You see why I am writing this right? We all deserve our orgasm, ladies!)







Big, juicy, unashamed, reveling-in-it-all yes, yes,yes.

I’m talking about opening into Yes in our sexual relations because one thing I have noticed is that we limit ourselves. We think that somehow our pleasure has a stop watch on it and we are only allowed to be the centre of attention for x number of minutes before we turn all our attention back to him.

We feel like we don't deserve all that attention.

We worry that he will get bored with us.

We worry that his tongue or his fingers are getting tired.

We feel exposed and vulnerable and so we pull back. We turn our attention back to his needs, his body.

But here is the thing you never hear men limiting themselves to pleasure. If you are dishing it out to them, hey will happily lie back and take it all.

So what makes them different to us?

For starters every movie you have ever seen that has any kind of sex scene in it will focus on male pleasure ( and don't even get me started on porn) but female pleasure is controversial. In fact the movie Blue Valentine was classified as an R17 due to one short scene where actress Michelle Williams character shows pleasure while receiving oral sex from Ryan Gosling's character ( I'm just going to give you a minute to catch your breath right there). The decision was finally overturned but only after much lobbying.

 We all seem to be terrified of woman's pleasure but quite comfortable with any  sort of violence, rape or objectification of women is perfectly okay. But I digress.

What I really want to explore is how we can take the pressure off ourselves and our partners and legitimize our right to pleasure.

We are worth it.

We deserve it and here is the kicker we are the ones that have the only organ as part of our bodies that are designed purely for pleasure - the clitoris. But God being a teeny bit twisted he gave with one hand  (our clitoris) and then took with the other (it takes a women twenty minutes -give or take- to achieve orgasm whereas blokes get the job done in under 7 minutes).

One of the first things we need to understand is that our orgasms are inextricably linked with our sense of self confidence and well being ( if you don't believe me check out Naomi Wolf's book Vagina for all the scientific data). Women's orgasms are far more intense and life enhancing than we have been led to believe and it is up to us to give ourselves permission to open into them.

Believe it or not men want to please us. They take great delight in exploring the complexity of our genitals. Sure they might get a bit carried away at times. They might change strokes or positions till you feel like a burger continually being flipped but with delicate coaching they will bend over backwards ( if that's what you need) to help you achieve your big "O".

But ( and it is a big But) we have to be willing to open our mouths and tell them what we need. They are not mind readers and every woman is different! The research shows that the nerves in the pelvis are wired differently for every woman so that some can achieve orgasms through clitoral stimulation, some from penetration, some can have G spot orgasms and some can have cervical orgasms - no two women are wired the same . All types of orgasm can instill in us a deep sense of well being, self confidence and bursts of creativity and yet we are unwilling or too shy to ask for what we need.

Our hesitancy around stating our sexual desires  also comes from our natural state of being a giver whereas sexual union requires both participants to give and receive at various stages. We also seem to think that we will damage our partner's fragile ego if we state our desires and at the same time we freak out that what we want is somehow not "normal" yet if you have read any of the "Fifty Shades of Grey" books you will know that "normal" looks different to different people.

Taking the time to talk openly and honestly with your partner outside of the bedroom and outside of a sexual context can help to establish trust so that taking the leap into discussing all things sexual is done on a strong foundation of openness and trust.



Open, soften, trust. Lather, rinse repeat as necessary. Just keep opening and softening. Forget the clock - it has no part to play. Let your partner decide how long they want to pleasure you (and then return the favour). Most importantly just keep opening, softening and trusting.

The ride is truly worth it.

Phases of The Divine Feminine

Yes, I've been cheating on you again!

Today I wrote a blog post for my other site all about the phases of womanhood or the Divine Feminine.

Most articles that you read will tell you that there are only three; Maiden, Mother and Crone but I truly believe that this misses out a big part of the picture.

Those three aspects are represented by phase s of the moon of which there are four, and by the seasons of the year - of which their are four. You see where I'm going with this right?

Check out the link below to read the whole story.
http://www.caitlingraceauthor.com/blog/phases-divine-feminine/

10 Things Men Find Unattractive -Um, maybe

Last week I read an article called 10 Things Men Find Unattractive  and I am here to call BULLSHIT!

anyone that writes knows that lists, ahh lists, we all love a good list and people will click through to find out just what is on that list. But here is the thing - lists are like this one are full of shit.

Some men may find some of these things unattractive and others won't mind them at all. The trouble with broad, sweeping generalisations is that they are well, broad ans you know, sweeping and give us the idea that EVERY MAN on the planet will find these things ( and therefore you) UNATTRACTIVE.

And we all know that the worse thing a woman can be is UNATTRACTIVE, right?

(And can we just pause for a moment and discuss the opening paragraph on this article? All women love to gossip - seriously? They talked to every woman on the planet? Come on! Some of us much prefer deep, meaningful, philosophical shit instead of trite gossip but lets move on)

So here's my list :

5 things (some, maybe a few ) Men might find Unattractive

(1) Obsessing over our image

The men I know love a woman who is confident in herself and comfortable in her own skin not constantly seeking reassurance that she looks good in the outfit that she has on or spending time checking herself in the mirror

(2) A Selfie Junkie

Yes, you look adorable now please put the phone away and talk to the person that is in front of you. Every aspect of our lives does not need to be captured on the ubiquitous cell phone and no-one is interested in the food you are eating. Just stop.

(3) Being Unkind

Kindness costs nothing . At the same time it can make a huge impact on someone else's life - so can being unkind. Please and thank you are used so seldom today they are almost like  super powers. Try it out - kindness may just work for you.

(4) Lateness

I get it. We are all busy. Making an effort to be considerate of others time is also a kind of super power that should be flexed often. No-one likes hanging around waiting. No-one. It might be forgivable once, maybe twice but if it is becomes a habit it is just disrespectful.

(5) Obsessing over food

We all need to eat. Believe or not men know that we get hungry and that we need to eat - so eat. And while you are eating don't be making comments on "how you really shouldn't" or "just a tiny bit" or " this will go straight to my ass/belly/thighs" . Just eat and enjoy.

What have I been up to?

 You may have noticed I'm not posting here as much.

Do not despair!

 I am still around , still writing , just posting in different places.

Yesterday I started writing this piece for my new website ( you should definitely go check it out!)

 Daily Self Love

Self love is a daily requirement. Just like we need to shower, brush our teeth, make healthy food choices and exercise, we need to work self love into our daily lives. The trouble is that we think that by doing the things listed before that we are loving ourselves and while they are certainly part of the equation, they are definitely not the whole story.

The whole story is being gentle with yourself on the rough days. The days when life is dragging you down and you are not sure if you want to get back up and instead of berating yourself or eating a tub of ice cream or listening to the voice in  your head that tells you all the reasons that you are worthless and a failure you choose to get up, look yourself in the eye and say “It’s okay, babe, you got this.”

The whole story is talking nicely to yourself to drown out the Negative Nelly in your head so that the bitch sits down and shuts the fuck up so you can carry on with your day.

Click on the link below to read more

http://www.caitlingraceauthor.com/blog/daily-self-love/

 Or you hop over here and read my latest post for The Huffington Post

 Divorce: 22 years later 

I divorced my first husband 22 years ago.


This weekend I just had him, his new wife and my ex mother-in-law over for an extended family get together and it was lovely. There were no big dramas other than 2-year-old teething tantrums from my granddaughter and squawks from the 4-month-old twin granddaughters. In fact it was the best family gathering I have had in my home for a long while.
Click the link to read more
 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/caitlin-grace/divorce-22-years-later_b_9214442.html 

 

Everything Goddess -y

I have been immersed in Goddess -ness for the past few months.

Okay, years, but seriously who is counting?

I guess the focus has just ramped up a bit with the creation of my new website and the ongoing birthing of my new program Awaken Your Inner Goddess.

Creating the course has been so much fun   ( why didn't anyone tell me that creating an online course was FUN!). There have been days where I have tried ( and failed) to create videos: forgot to turn the microphone on, didn't like what I was wearing, forgot what I was talking about or the phone rang in the middle of recording.

There have been days where I was creating audios only to stumble over the words at the end or lose track of where I was in the script or had to fight off an overwhelming urge to cough.

The housework has been left undone ( okay this happens on a regular basis but this time I had an excuse)

But mostly I had FUN! ( in fact at the end of one recording session I said "Goodie, goodie, goodie" I may have even done the happy clapping thing I do - and then I realised that I hadn't turned off the recording - I left it in anyway because we all need more happy, clappy moments)

I thought of how much I could have used this course when I was getting my  marriage ended and I thought I would never find love again...... and I know I'm not the only one

I thought of how much I could have used this course when I had forgotten who I was as I was lost amongst the mothering, stepmothering, wife-ing modes....and I know I'm not the only one.

I thought of how much I could have used this course when I turned 30 (and 40 and 50) and wondered if I was still hot and sexy.... and I know I'm not the only one.

I know that once I connected to my Goddess -ness things shifted in my life in lots of big and little ways .... and I know that will happen for you too.

I know that staying connected to my Goddess -ness helps me feel more like me every day..and I know that will happen for you too.

When I talk about connecting to your inner Goddess I am not talking about something fluffy and airy- fairy, all sunshine, Unicorns and rainbows. No, I am talking about peeling back the layers of shit that we all accumulate from years of listening to the "shoulds" and the "shouldn'ts" of being a female in this 21st century. The ideas that we have to look and behave in a certain way in order to be acceptable. Not to mention the stories that we are told as children that end with the Princess meeting the handsome Prince and living "happily ever after" though we have no clear idea of what that means but some how we still feel vaguely ripped off when the fairy tales don't match up to reality.

Our Inner Goddess is our most authentic self and reconnecting with her shifts everything. We begin to remember what our desires were before we were told what they "should" be. We begin to remember what our passions were before we were told that "nice girls" didn't have passions. We begin to remember who we were before we were taught to squash ourselves into some Barbie sized dream. Most importantly, we begin to feel FREE to be ourselves with all our quirks and idiosyncrasies. We start living a life that feels Fabulous because we are Fabulous.

Want to know more? Go check out my website. Act now while the early bird special is on! Only $150NZD until February 14