Immerse yourself in Love

It is time to immerse yourself in LOVE, to sink into all the love that is already available to you - the love you have for yourself.

In our fast paced life we forget that we are our first and last love. We are the ones that we will be traveling through life with, the one who will be with us for the big moments and the small moments. Others may come and go, some will travel with us for a long stretch of time but we are the only ones that will be with us from the beginning to the very end.

The only trouble is no-one has taught us how to look after ourselves. 

Yes, we know how to shower and dress ourselves. We know how to brush our teeth and do up our shoes. We know when we need to go to the doctor and the dentist.

What we don't know is how to care for ourselves when we are going through a dark night of the Soul, when fear and doubt and anxiety seize us and threaten to drag us under. We don't know how to deal with our everyday bouts of despair and angst. We turn to our friends or our partner but they often only hug us and say " everything will be ok" and we believe them because we don't know what else to do.

"With every act of self care your authentic self gets stronger, and the critical, fearful mind gets weaker. Every act of self care is a powerful declaration: I am on my side, I am on my side, each day I am more and more on my side."

Susan Weiss Berry

What better time to start a Self Love Journey than Mother's day so you can start mothering your inner child and nurturing yourself like only a mother can. Mother's day is May 10 here in NZ so I am going to start a FREE Self Love Immersion on May 10. It will be three weeks of emails with fun activities for you to do so you can start falling truly, madly, deeply in love with yourself.

Sign up here and get your first email on May 10. Come and join the private Facebook group here.

For more inspiration on loving yourself get my new book The Goddess guide to Sex, Love and Life only available at Amazon.

Ponytailgate

This week we found out the true nature of our New Zealand Prime Minister. It came to light that he had been going to his local cafe and regularly pulled the ponytail of one of the waitresses. He continued the practice even after his own wife advised him against it.

Supposedly John Key thought that it was all in good fun, that it was part of the light hearted banter and joshing that were the culture of this cafe. He hadn't picked up on the cues from the woman in question that this was not okay, this was not fun and she was becoming increasingly distressed each time he came to visit, to the point of advising his security detail that she felt like punching him.

There was also footage of him on the campaign trail last year fondling and pulling the ponytail of a young girl being interviewed by John Campbell so this is not an isolated incident. It shows a pattern of behavior; a blatant disregard for personal space. It shows an arrogance and a feeling of power over others that is unsettling to say the least.

New Zealand has a huge problem with domestic violence and child abuse and to see our own Prime Minister taking liberties with other people's bodies is disturbing but what is even more disturbing is certain sectors of the media that have come out and blamed the victim along the lines of "can't she take a joke. it was all in fun. no harm done"

But lets just look at this a little deeper. Someone felt it was okay to put their hands on someone else's body without their permission and did so repeatedly and in a way that made the person feel uncomfortable, powerless and vulnerable. That is not far away from rape. Some might think this is a bit of a stretch but when you take liberties with someone else's body and make them feel powerless you are dominating them and bullying them and if you do not realise that you are infringing on that person's rights then you are no more than a bully.

In the same week a group of young men came to the aid of a women who was screaming for help as a man in her car was attempting to strangle her. They stated that they realised something was wrong and felt compelled to help out. One of them called the police and followed the man who had run off so that he was apprehended in a short space of time. The men put it down to strong female role models that they had had in their lives that made them feel that they had to do something to intervene. This took place in low socio economic are of Auckland , an area in which domestic violence and child abuse are often in the headlines for all the wrong reasons.

The difference between these young men from a rough part of town showed more personal awareness and maturity than our own Prime Minister with all his privilege and position. Maybe he needs to take a leaf out of their book and think more about the women in his life and show them a bit more respect.

The leader of our country needs to take a good long look at the beliefs he has about women and their bodies and his rights to access to them. His character is now out there for all to see.... and it ain't pretty.

Not broken.. just bent

A new post for you over at Be true Be Love . Yes, I'm sharing my awesome in more places than just here. Come over and check it out.

Hard times require furious dancing.

I have been seeing a lot of people posting on my Facebook newsfeed about the hard times they are having and I know what that feels like.

Image from tryspruce.com

It was hard when I left my first husband and my two sons were only 4 and 6 and I wondered how I was going to give them the kind of life they deserved and be the mother I wanted to be to them.

It was hard when I got pregnant to my ex with baby number three. If it had been anyone else I wouldn't have kept the baby BUT how could I not want a  blood brother or sister to my two other sons.

It was hard when I met my current husband ... and his four daughters, two of whom were living with him full time. Blending a family is never easy, never. No matter how much you love him and them there is always a barrier. Sure it might fade into the background from time to time but it's still there.



It was hard when my parents disowned me and didn't come to my wedding ..... or either of my eldest sons weddings.

It was hard when my mother in-law passed away... and then my brother a few weeks later followed by my fairy Godmother at the end of the same year.

The beauty of hard times is that they crack you open. They force you to stretch and grow in ways that you hadn't planned or intended. And that growing and stretching is the you that you were truly born to be.

The things is we have fallen into the belief that life is supposed to be comfortable, that we are supposed to feel comfortable and safe all the time. Guess what ? We're not  supposed to be comfortable all that time - that way lies boredom and ultimately, dissatisfaction.

We need to grow, to stretch, to change, to venture forth into new territory and the only way that we do that is through upheaval, change and hard times.

 Chaos often precedes new growth and nothing is more chaotic than your whole life being up ended, shaken about a bit and  then plonked back in your lap. It is like the Universe is going " There you go. What can you do with this then?"

When hard times happen we have tow choices (1) to moan and whine about the disruption to our lives or (2) to accept it with open hands, a grateful heart and look for the positive in it. Often we don't see it straight away - we need to step back a bit and  gain some perspective. There is always something good, if not great, that will come out of it.

In all of the situations I mentioned at the beginning I have found the nugget of gold that was buried within the chaotic mess; more love, deeper relationships or more of myself.

We all get to choose; grow or stagnate. Which are you choosing? What's holding you back from your next great leap?

Come on Baby, Light my Fire

Passion, in all its myriad forms can be a force that lights up the sky but then fizzles and burns out. It can burn brightly, making the whole world seem like a bright, shiny new space. Then it can be gone in a flash leaving everything seeming just a little duller, a little greyer, a little less special.

I am like that when I get a burst of inspiration; my brain lights up and fires off a million and one great ideas in a rapid fire flow of inspiration - so fast that those burst of incandescent inspiration seem too elusive to pin down onto paper. And if I don't get them down right away the *poof* they disappear. But nothing is ever irretrievably lost it just takes patience and a pen poised in the air while you sit patiently asking the angles, the muse, all that is holy and good to please retrieve that idea because Now you are ready and so sorry but the 3am wake up call didn't quite fire up all your brain signals to get it down on paper the first time.

I know we are supposed to keep a pen beside the bed for those late night/early morning bursts of inspiration but seriously, when I have dragged myself from mt bed to jot down those lightning , clear, dazzling ideas they have seemed like so much garbage in the morning and I wondered why I bothered.

But when I let those ideas gestate a little longer ( after first acknowledging to the Universe, Muse, Angels that I am listening, I am paying attention and yes, I absolutely will write that down. Just not now. But definitely in the morning, when I have , you know had some sleep) to finally be birthed in the morning, or in the morning a week/month from now then those ideas are truly diamonds and not the coal they were before.

And its not just in its form of inspiration that passion lights us up. No, passion can burn brightly then dim and fade into nothing in relationships too. We start out all hot and heavy but then a few months or years down the track we are left wondering what the hell happened.

What happened is you started taking each other for granted. You stopped fanning the flames of passion and so the fire quietly went out. You stopped telling each other how much you mean to each other. You stopped those random pats on the arse or sneaky neck kisses as you passed by in the kitchen. You stopped thanking her for the meals she cooks or thanking him for taking out the garbage. You just stopped doing all those lovely little gestures that keep those embers burning, waiting to be fanned in to flames.

Keeping passion alive, in any form, requires action in one form or another. In a relationship it requires the "w" word that we all hate - work. I know it is supposed to be easy and "they lived happily ever after" but that only happens if you are committed to making it happen. Not just one of you but both of you.

What lights you up? How can you keep fanning that flame?

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Growing into me part 2

I thought I was ready for my kids to leave home. I thought that I would be used to them not being around because after their Dad and I split they were often gone for stretches of time. In fact my eldest moved in with his Dad when he was eleven and then came back to me at 14 so I figured it wouldn't be so hard when they all finally started leaving home.

Turns out I was wrong.

Nothing really prepares you for your kids leaving home.

Sure, after blending our families together and the messiness of that and it never really feeling like it is blended completely, you get to a point where you are just longing for them all to leave home so you can have some time just being a couple. ( although we are not supposed to admit that or worse, say it out loud)You know how in recipes it always says " blend until smooth"  when you are a blended family it's never smooth. There are always the lumps of the other parents. The lumps of the kids not wanting to follow your rules because Mum/Dad does it differently at their house. The lumps of acting out, acting up, the shit storms and the dramas.

And then my last baby flew the nest  four years ago and after 28 years of being a Mum I looked around and wondered what the hell happened? I looked at the man that was my husband and I wondered, quietly to myself if this was all there was now? Just us?  Now, don't get me wrong I love him dearly and he is my best friend but there had always been the buffer of the kids and all their problems and dramas to deal with and then suddenly it was just us.

That moment of being "just us" and as the saying goes "be careful what you wish for- you just might get it"  well it was here now . So what was I going to do with it?

I had already been playing around with blogging and trying, trying, trying to get some kind of business off the ground and so I started writing a book.

I loved it. Writing is cathartic. You can pour everything out onto the page. You can write to your heart's content but putting it out there for someone else to see? That's a different story all together. Well , actually the putting it out there wasn't the problem. Hitting "Publish" on the very first blog post? that took a while. Pacing back and forth from the computer and then finally hitting the button and ohh, the relief once it was done. And the world didn't end.

A few people started reading it. Some left comments on my earlier posts ( thanks so much for that!) I got my first hateful message and survived ( take that trolls!) ( in fact, the one and only message I got like that made me giggle as it was so random and ridiculous).

What has been really scary is putting my first ever book up for sale. I took the "easy"  way ( and yes, those quote marks are on purpose. There is nothing easy about self publishing. It is just a whole lot more technical know how you have to have tucked up your sleeve) and self published

This year has been amazing. A steep learning curve of self publishing, Kindle and soon to be print on demand. And now the marketing kicks in; tweeting, pinning, blogging, facebooking and anything else I can think of. Getting people to find and buy my book all the while creating the program to go with it and working on the next one and making notes on all the other ideas that are now flowing like an unstoppable river and at the same time maintaining the house ( I'm a shocking housewife) and channeling my inner Domestic Goddess to  keep the kombucha flowing, keep the kefir fermenting, make the apple butter, freeze the other fruits that we have coming ripe and make dinner from scratch every night.

And now my youngest is moving back home. He's been living overseas for the past two years and is now faced with a health issue and needs some support. So he'll be living with us for a few months while we get that sorted.

You see kids never completely leave home. They always come back. For a visit. Sometimes to regroup before moving overseas. Sometimes to heal a relationship break up. Sometimes with their family for a long visit.

Home is always home.

If you want to check out my book, The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life on Amazon click the link.

Growing beyond shame

Shame.

We've all felt it.

We all know that we don't want to feel that way and yet it is built right into our cultural system as a means of control. In his book The Mind Body Code, Dr Mario Martinez talks about the archetypal wounds of shame, abandonment and betrayal and how the authority figures in our lives; parents, teachers, bosses and religious leader use the language of these emotions in order to bring us back into line or keep us from straying from the line in the first place.

Brene Brown, a shame researcher, explains the difference between shame and humiliation like this; Humiliation is I did a bad thing. Shame is I am a bad person. Humiliation is something that we will get over. We know that we messed up and we know that we will do better in the future.

Shame, on the other hand, seeps into our pores, it eats away at our self esteem and according to Dr Martinez, it leads to illness, inflammation and self sabotage.

We feel shame any time we step away from our tribal belief, any time that we deviate from the "norm" as set down by our elders whether they be our parents, our teachers, our religious leader or any authority figure that has a position of power over us. We move beyond the pale and often are shunned for doing so. In the Amish community "shunning" involves everyone in the community literally turning their backs on you, no-one will talk to you or connect with you in anyway until such time as you embrace the tribal beliefs again and fall back into line.

Stepping out onto your own path takes immense courage. Shame will be poured on your from many directions to try and pull you back into line.

Harriet Lerner, in her book The Dance of Intimacy, talks about it this way; that who ever we are interacting with we are in a dance with but if you start trying to dance to a different beat or in a different way they will pull you back to the original dance. That only works if you are willing to go back to the old ways though. Changing the dance, staying true to you regardless of the force of others wanting you to fit into their idea of "normal"  takes courage, strength of character and a firm belief in yourself.

You are literally stepping out into the world on your own because the tribe will disown you.

I know because I've been there. When I finally faced up to my parents about the abuse that went on in my family when I was younger  I was told in no uncertain terms that  (a) I was delusional (b) I was now disowned and (c) that all photos of myself and my children would be removed from the house. The part about my kids is what got me the most. Sure, I could have caved in and reclaimed my place in the family by denying that anything had ever happened and following the party line. But here's the thing I had been denying things fro a long time and I wasn't about to try and put the cat back into the bag. I knew the minute that  I put that phone down that I wouldn't be talking to my parents again. I had to make a choice in my life; to stand up to bullies or to continue being bullied. I chose Me.

Was it painful? You betcha. Did I fall apart? Absolutely - I sank into a depression that lasted for 18 months and ended up on antidepressants which I never , ever wanted to go on. Was it worth it? Absolutely!! I now live my life completely on my own terms. I feel free to do and be exactly as I please without fear of judgment or parental disapproval.

Things I learned in the process:

(1) Friends  really are the family you choose for yourself.

Friends will be your saving grace. they will wrap themselves around you and fill up the spaces where family once stood. Plus they will never judge you the way your family did.

(2) You are stronger than you realise.

When I went on antidepressants  my doctor told me I would probably be on them for the rest of my life. That was the comment that spurred me to get off them. I am nothing if not determined. Freeing yourself from your parents judgment and shaming ways will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders, like you have been given wings. You will start to stretch and grow in ways you never would have thought possible before

(3) You will still miss family.

You will still feel pangs of missing them from time to time especially when you have big news to share. You will find other people to share all those highlights with though and you get to build your own family traditions.

(4) Some people won't understand.

If they have not come from a dysfunctional family or have never been shamed the way you have they won't understand. They will ask you why you hate your parents or why you don't just apologise or why you don't just suck it up and make amends. The reality is you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. I still love my parents I just choose not to spend time with them any more. Some call me heartless and  use the emotive " you don't want your parents to die without saying goodbye do you?"  all this does is add to the shame and puts me in the role of the recalcitrant child not obeying the family rules.
The reality is that you are choosing to love yourself more than you love the tribe you came from. Some see this a selfish. What it is is self full. We are here to heal ourselves and grow ourselves into the best version of us that we can. We are not here to kowtow to others ideas of how our lives should be run.

 I highly recommend reading Dr Martinez's book The Mind Body Code and while you are over at Amazon check out my new book "The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life"  which I would never have had the courage to write if I was still bound to my family of origin.

Or hop over to my facebook page to find out how you could win a signed paperback version of my book.

Growing gratitude

I just read a great blog post on things we need to let go of to help our kids. In it she talks about how kids these days have a sense of entitlement that we didn't back in the day and I would like to add that it's not just kids ore teenagers or Gen x or whatever.

It is all of us.

We have taken the planet for granted for too long. We take the privileges that we have as a first world country for granted for too long. We have forgotten how blessed we are to have electricity at the flick of a switch , hot and cold running water inside our homes, a pantry stocked with food, a car to take us where we  need to go and a closet full of clothes.

There was a disaster in Vanuatu recently, a country not far from mine, and the devastation was overwhelming but what was even more  amazing was seeing how these people had been living before the disaster. Most lived with a tin roof generally held down by something heavy instead of nails which are hard to come by. And after the cyclone they are recycling what few nails they had to rebuild. After the disaster food was in short supply and a simple cabbage was for sale for $25. I bought one here in NZ for $2.

The trouble is we don't see it. We are safe and secure in our own little bubble. Sure, it is on the nightly news amidst the usual litany of murder and mayhem so we can tune it out and carry on with our own busy lives. While we watch our flat screen tev's and moan about the speed of our internet connection a vast majority of the world are wondering if they will have something to eat tonight or if they will get bombed in their homes. They worry about the drinking water and how safe it is to drink while we use it to flush the toilet or have another shower.

I am not saying that we should go back to those days but more that we should take more time to give thanks for all that we do have. I'm not talking about merely paying lip service to it either but really think about what our lives would be like without all those luxuries that we take for granted.

Take some time each day to give thanks for one thing; running water or electricity or great cell phone reception. Then delve deeper into the why you are grateful for it. What does having access to this allow you to do? How does it impact on your overall quality of life.

Then extend it further and look at the people in your life and give thanks for them. again look at the deeper why of it. What do they bring to your life and how would you feel if they were no longer part of it? Write them love letter and let them know just how much they mean to you. Don't wait until Valentine's day or Mothers Day or some other prescribed day to love them , love them now and let them know. Having recently lost a mother in law, a brother and a dear friend I know only too well that life is short and it is worth enjoying and embracing every minute of life.

Here's my gratidue for today:

(1) I am grateful for my darling husband who loves me unconditionally and always has my back and supports me in all my crazy dreams.

(2) I am grateful that I have followed my heart and finally put my book out there in the world so I can help other women learn to love themselves. You can get your copy of The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life here

(3) I am grateful for our beautiful cosy, warm home  and the abundance of fruit that we have on our trees which enables us to preserve it for over winter while still having enough to share with family and friends.

(4) I am grateful for my healthy body that enables me to do whatever I want with ease and grace.

(5) I am grateful for my connection to the internet and all the information I have at my fingertips and also for the ability to connect with friends and family where ever they are in the world.

What are you grateful for today? Make  gratitude a new part of your daily routine.

Growing into me

e.e cummings said "It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

 And it's true.

First we need to stretch our wings and fly out from underneath our parents protection, not to mention their projections. Parents, even with the best of intentions, still have ideas of who and what we should be. Flying, or in some cases fleeing, the nest is stage one of the process. And it is a process which means it happens bit by bit, not all at once.

Even when we have our own place, our own friends and are making all our own decisions we still need to silence the voice in our head. It's the hangover from our parents. Their voice lives on in our heads ( and often on the end of the phone) reminding us of all the ways that we are not living up to our potential, the we are failing at life or just not being good enough

 

Moving past the soundtrack of our parents we also need to move past the Negative Nelly that seems to live inside all of us. She is a mixture of our parents voices, the voices of our teachers ( you know the ones who told us we needed to try harder, sit down, be quiet -anything but be ourselves) and messages we receive from all the media we have blasting at us 24/7.

How do we get those voices out of our head?

(1) First you have to know it's there. 

 Listen to how you talk to yourself when you are working on a project or when you are looking in the mirror or any time you are sitting quietly. Can you hear it now? Pay attention. This is not who you really are and you would not put up with anyone else talking to you that way.

(2) Stop.

Next time you hear yourself launching into all the ways that you suck imagine a big stop sign and say out loud "STOP"  Take a moment and just breathe.

Re-frame whatever you were saying into a positive statement.

(3) Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Keep working on the way you speak to yourself. It will get easier but it does take time.

(4) Celebrate yourself .

You are doing great but I bet you never stop to acknowledge how far you have come.  The trouble with that is we always wait for the big things; the promotions, the 10 pound weight loss, the new job, the new car and we get so busy waiting for all the big things that we forget to acknowledge that small improvements that we make, the consistent improvements. This is why AA works - they celebrate every day sober not just the 100 days sober. Make a point of finding something about yourself that you did well today and give yourself a pat on the back. You did good.

The next stage is finding our own authentic presence, our joy in being who we are and not who others expect us to be. For me part of that was changing my name. I never liked my birth name, Kathleen, it never felt like me. So I changed it first to my initials K.C which morphed into Casey. That suited me fine right up until I got divorced and again I felt like I needed a major shift. Out went my old name and in marched Caitlin. Not only that I also gave myself a middle name, Grace  ( that is now my business name). Needless to say my parents weren't thrilled but it wasn't about them . It was me reclaiming myself.

None of us set out to upset or disappoint our parents BUT that may be a by product of you fully stepping into your true self. Hiding yourself so as not to disappoint them does everyone a disservice. It is painful to live that way and deep down they know that something is not right with you. 

I can only imagine what it must be like for those that come out to their parents as Gay or Lesbian or Other. We all deserve to be seen and accepted for who we are and it is not an  easy road to travel but it is worth it. Launching my book this month has been one of the most empowering steps on my journey. Stepping into myself and out from behind the clouds of others ideas of me feels liberating.

Are you living as your most authentic self? What is holding you back? I would love to hear your story in the comments.

 

Letter to my younger self

Dear Kathleen, First off don't worry we ditch the name - twice! We tried out our initials for a while which, over time evolved into the name Casey. That was long before there were so many Cassie's and Casey's around. In fact I like to think we started a trend!

Make the most of your time reading. Yes, I know everyone wants to get you out of the house and "doing things" but all that "doing" isn't what life has in store for you. You keep thinking and reading because all that information gets filed away in your brain and will come in handy later.

Learn to type. Oh my god you cannot believe how happy you would make me if you just learned to type now! We do okay but it has been many long years of hunt and peck and now, now we are starting to finally make head way.

Yes, it seems like a great idea to run off with that cute guy on his motorbike and yes, we did end up with three awesome kids BUT, but the price of being bare foot and pregnant and living the nippy lifestyle - ok I can't go on because yes, we did  it and it has given us immense fodder for writing and grown us in all sorts of amazing ways. Ways that we will not fully appreciate until now.

Life does get so immensely, satisfyingly better. Our new man is truly heaven sent. Yes, we got the hots for him even when we were "happily married" He was still on our radar. ( and we were on his!) Knowing that you watched each other over the years will give you endless hours of fun. later.

Look out for the signs that writing is something you should be doing. They were everywhere when we look back - hindsight is like that. I wish we had bothered to pay attention. as they say Divine Timing is everything and I guess writing now is much more do-able.

Believe in yourself. what you have been through all the highs and lows will make you incredibly strong and resilient. Yes, it will hurt like hell but you will survive and have some amazing stories to tell - stories that you will even find hard to believe but they were real. They happened and you came out just fine.

Most of all I want you to know how proud I am of you and how much I love you. Others may see the strong , capable you but I know at what cost that came to you. I know how sensitive and loving you truly are and how hurtful those slings and arrows are - and there always seems to be so many of them.

Hang in there, babe. Life gets better.

Love Caitlin

PS I gave us an upgrade and we now have two names Caitlin Grace - pretty cool, right?

To find out even more of my adventures check out my new book The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life over at Amazon

When I grow up I want to be.....

I love books. Always have, always will.

I was never happier than when I was getting lost in a good story. In fact, I resented having to stop reading to do things like eat lunch. Books were my safe haven, my escape from the world so the first thing I wanted to be when I grew up was a librarian.

Think of it, surrounded by books all day , everyday. Walls and walls of stories to lose yourself in. In fact when I was at Intermediate school the first class I was in was adjoined to the library and my teacher was also the librarian.

 I thought I had died and gone to heaven! I worked in there in my lunch-breaks, uncatalogued and filing books. I learned the Dewey decimal system and would happily flip through the cards to discover the right number for the topic I was researching. Total Bliss!

I was already a voracious reader and this love has never left me.

Then I moved on to high school and I turned my attention to wanting to be a lawyer or a journalist. My sister, meanwhile, had been given a typewriter as she was learning typing and shorthand. I was soooo jealous and I think that was my first longing to be a writer.

I had no idea how to type or even what I would type. I just knew I wanted to type. Not that I told anyone. I did, however, do some writing for the school newspaper.

But I wasn't happy at home and was looking for a way out and it showed up in the form of a job at the telecommunications office and then I met my (first) husband at the ripe old age of 17, left home at 18 and the rest is history.

It may have taken me a long time to find my voice as a writer but I am so glad that I never gave up on my love of books, my thirst for knowledge and my desire to help others. All of that has culminated in my first book "The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life."  Go check it out.

I don't think we ever fully "grow up", we are always growing and exploring new facets of ourselves and finding ways to be more authentically ourselves on a daily basis. Writing is one of the ways that I can peel back all the layers of my life and discover who I am and what makes me tick. Looking back at when I was a child the me I am now was visible even back then, just waiting for me to pay attention to the signs . Or it could just be that I am a late bloomer and a slow learner. either way I am happy that I have finally found my bliss.


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How to grow a friendship

Friendships are vitally important for our happiness and good health. It has been shown that those with the deepest friendships live longer, happier, healthier lives.

The key is deep friendships not acquaintances. so what makes a good friendship and how do you grow a friendship into a great friendship?

(1) Common Ground:

All friendships are based on you having similar interests. You don't have to like all the same things but you do have to have a range of things that you both feel passionately about.
One of my dear friends is a vegan and even though I am a happy meat eater we share the same beliefs about the treatment of animals - she just takes it a few steps further than me.

(2) Loyalty:

Great friends are always loyal. They always have your back if you are in an argument with someone else. They are always on your side through thick and thin - they may not agree with your position 100%  but they are your friend and will defend your right to be wrong against someone else wholeheartedly.

(3) Tell the truth:

Great friends will always tell you the truth -when you ask them. They don't judge you but let you know when perhaps you haven't made the right decision.

How to grow a friendship:

(1) Do what you say you are going to

A good friend will say they are going to help you shift. A great friend will be there, on the day, with a trailer, food and won't go home until the job is done.
If you want to be a great friend show up.

(2) Keep in touch.

A good friend might know that you are going for a job interview. A great friend texts in the morning to wish you luck and again later in the day to see how it went. They celebrate with you if you get the job and commiserate with you if  you didn't.
If you want to be a great friend text, call, and stay in touch especially for the big moments.

(3) Be there.

If your friend is going through a rough patch be there. You don't need to fix anything. You don't need to say anything. Just be there.





Growing a friendship is just like growing a plant ; it requires regular tending, pulling the weeds of judgment and gossip, fertilizing with regular catch ups and keeping in touch. In order for a friendship to grow and flourish it requires maintenance BUT that can not all be a ones way street. If you are the one doing all the keeping in touch  and taking care then it is not a great friendship and the other party is taking advantage of your good nature.

Ask yourself why you are continuing to invest so much time and effort for someone who isn't doing the same for you. sometimes you may need to prune some friendships out of your life or merely step back and see what happens.

Check out my latest book The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life for more info on toxic relationships.

Growing vs Aging

Is it possible to age without growing? This is todays writing prompt for the NaBloPoMo and it's a great question.

Let's look at the term aging for a moment. Aging merely calculates the number of years since your date of birth. As a culture we are anti aging - just check out any cover of a magazine for the latest tips on remaining youthful or any cosmetic counter for all the very latest creams and potions to fight the ravages of time. But the truth is that aging is a given. The years are going to pass regardless of how much we try to stop them.

The only guaranteed anti-aging device is to die young. Hmmm doesn't seem like much of a choice does it?

As George Bernard Shaw says 

Youth is wasted on the young.

When we are young we think we know everything. We think that we will live forever, that we are invincible. We also think that we are the only ones having sex ( Miley Cyrus is famous for stating that people over forty don't have sex anymore. You are sooo wrong Miley! So very wrong.) or at least that we are the only ones having hot, steamy sex.

The truth is very different ( a) sex gets better with age ( b) there is always so much more to learn (with sex but also just in general) (c) nobody lives forever.

How we age is a different matter all together.

Christiane Northrup has just written a  great book called "Goddesses Never Age" which talks about the effect of our thoughts on aging  and the impact that has on our bodies.

In my own life I look to some of the older people that I know. My ex mother in law is 86 years old and still just amazing. She travels the world. She still lives in her own house which she built - out of mud bricks while in her 60's. People thought she was mad to even attempt something at that age but she didn't let that stop her. You can read more of her story here. 

The most impressive thing in all of that was the way Dhaj continued to grow and evolve into the person that she wanted to be. Other people's opinions were of little interest to her, what mattered was what she envisioned for herself.

On the other hand is my own mother who is now 82. In her 70's she decided that she could no longer travel the two hours to come and visit me, she was too old to be making such long trips. A completely different attitude to the process of aging to Dhaj.

Aging is inevitable. Growing, on the other hand, is a choice.

In any given moment we can grow into a better version of ourselves.When a car cuts us off we can flip them a hand sginal or breathe and grow a little wiser and softer.

We can choose to grow by learning something new, stretching ourselves in different ways. We can take up exercise or start yoga or dancing. We can develop a spiritual practice such as meditation or go on a retreat or travel.

Growing is always available as an option.

How are you choosing to age? Are you finding new challenges and stretches? Or are you settling, comfortably into old age?