Steubenville has been in the news a lot lately, for all the wrong reasons. It seems like rape has become the latest sport for high school jocks. The worst part is - actually, I can't even begin to finish that sentence as there are so many worst parts.
Lets count them off shall we?
(1) A young girl goes to a party with HER FRIENDS and gets drunk; full down, vomiting,paralytic drunk. Nobody looks out for her. Nobody.
(2) A group of boys decide that this means she is fair game. Nobody stops them. Nobody.
(3) These boys proceed to perform various indecent acts on her not least of which is trying to get her to perform oral sex on them. She is incapable as she is far, far too drunk.
(4) Cellphones are used by numerous people to take photos and videos and upload them to Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites. Everyone seems to think this is a good idea. Nobody stops to think "What if that was me? " Nobody.
(5) The girls is carried by two boys from one party to another as she is too drunk to walk. Nobody stops them but again photos are taken.
(6) The boys refer to themselves as "The Rape Crew" so they have some idea of what they are doing.
(7) The next day the girl wakes up naked in the basement with two boys with no idea of anything that has taken place. she slowly gains some idea thanks to Facebook and Twitter.
(8)Actually, too many worst parts to list them all and I'm starting to feel ill at the thought of them. Read a great article about it here.
Now there is another case of two football "heroes' raping a thirteen year old girl in Connecticut read about it here and again the victim is being blamed for ruining the boys careers. Um, didn't they do that themselves when they RAPED a young girl? Or am I missing something here?
So let's look at India shall we? It's a third world country nowhere near the lofty heights of first world America and yet they both have the same kind of rape culture; men, sometimes gangs of men, rape women and then blame the victim. If you have the stomach for it you can read about it here. Last year Jyoti Singh Pandi was brtually raped, so badly in fact, that she died from her injuries. More recently a Swiss tourist was raped by 5 men in India.
The only difference between India and America is the age of the rapists. In America they were between 16 and 18. In India they were men.
In both countries the victims are blamed; for being drunk (?), for dressing provocatively, for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, for destroying promising careers by being raped.
In both countries the men took no responsibility for their actions. NONE.
So how do we change the culture that says it is ok to rape women?
Here's some thoughts:
(1) Let's stop portraying women as objects. We are not a collection of body parts to be ogled at and drooled over. Lets stop allowing advertisers to dehumanize us in their attempts to sell everything form cars to airfreshener.
(2) Lets start educating males that their sex drive is totally within their control and that having a hard on does not automatically give you license to use it against some woman that is in your vicinity.
(3) Lets make it part of sex education that rape is not ok and all the things that count as rape. Lets make it crystal clear that unless you get a very clear and resounding yes that you do not under any circumstances proceed further.
(4) Lets stop blaming the victim; in court, in the media and in society. She didn't "ask for it"; by wearing sexy clothes,by being out late at night, by being alive. No, the rapist made a CONSCIOUS choice to rape soemone who was not willing. Lets start making that crystal clear, HE made a choice, she did not.
(5)Lets stop all the "boys will be boys" nonsense. I know I raised my boys to be better than that and I'm sure you did too. Didn't you?
(6) Lets stop anointing our sports men as Gods who can do no wrong and teach them about respect, integrity, sportsmanship and looking out for one another, not in a boys got each others back way ( because so far, that ain't working) but human being to human being.
(7) Lets make the true heroes those that step up and say "This is not ok and you need to stop" not make it so that by doing so you are a snitch.
Now go hug your daughters and let them know that they can always call you day or night, and even if they have done soemthing stupid , like getting shitfaced drunk, you will not yell at them and you will still love them.
And go hug your sons and tell them that standing up for people is not only the right thing to do but the heroic thing and its not always easy. Let them know that respect is for everyone not just for their mates and that girls are not objects and should never be treated as such.
Talk to your sons and daughters about sex and let them know that sexual urges come and go and do not always need to be acted on. Awkward as it is to talk about sex let them know that you can and will talk to them and you will listen too, without judgment. These are your precious children and it is your job to keep them safe, sometimes, even from themselves.
Living Life Out Loud
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
The folly of glorifying sportsmen
Let me start off by saying I am not remotely athletic. Never have been. I have always found sports to be too competitive and nothing has happened to dissuade me from this idea.
In fact in recent news quite the opposite has happened. You see we tend to glorify sports people but especially men, as if , merely because they can kick a ball further than other or run really fast or hit a small ball into a hole far, far away, or because they can catch really well. Now I understand that these are great accomplishments but not as great as climbing Everest or, inventing the computer or discovering a cure for a disease or raising a child to be a decent respectful human being. These are note worthy accomplishments but they all seem to be insignificant to the great and glorious SPORT.
But lets just pause and take a look at some of the dark side of sport shall we?
Herein New Zealand we revere the All Blacks like they are God's chosen ones and it leads to them also thinking of themselves as demi-gods. The latest one to fall foul of the glory of being an All Black has been Zac Guilford. He has now finally admitted to being an alcoholic but its hardly surprising with the main sponsorship for the team coming from various alcohol companies. Quite often when the boys are on tour claims of girls being raped, disorderly behaviour or drunken brawling are the norm and are played down by all concerned. As for the girls who claim they have been raped it always seems to be blamed on her for going back to the boys rooms.
All of this pales into insignificance in light of the Steubenville High School event that happened last year. Again we see the culture of sports heroes, only this time they are only of high school age. They are given free license to behave as badly as they choose and it is all passed off as boys letting off steam and "boys being boys". It is also seen as part of the normal behviour of a jock.
Now I always thought the idea of sports was for the sport itself to be an outlet for excess testosterone, that the players would exhaust themselves running around after the ball or hitting the ball with a stick or throwing it through a hoop or whatever sport it is that they are playing. The reality is that it just seems to hype them up even more so that they need an after party of alcohol and general debauchery to wind down after the game and if this means that somebody gets punched or things get smashed or girls get raped , well then that is just par for the course. In fact it is not just limited to the players of the game. Those at home or in the stands also get wound up about the game and fights regularly break out in the stands or on the trains on the way home. In fact soccer hooligans have become a staple of every soccer match in England.
Men regularly go home drunk, after the game and punch their wives or beat each other up on the way home or rape some unsuspecting women.
Oscar Pistorious has just been accused of shooting his girlfriend in a roid rage ( yes we even have a term for it!) and he is an Olympic athlete ie the creme de la creme of all sportsmen.
These are the people that we are telling our kids to emulate, to look up to. We encourage our kids to take up sports to let off stream, to direct their emotions into a physical activity so that they don't vent them in unhealthy ways but the reality seems to be the exact opposite for some of our elite athletes. They drink too much, they take drugs ( Lance Armstrong springs to mind), they want to win at any cost and because we give them such huge respect for what they do they think they have license to do as they please and their managers and the clubs they belong to will protect them, and they do. Sure they might get a fine or stood down from playing a certain game for a short period but ultimately their large pay checks and their do as you please lifestyle continues.
Sport was supposed to be fun. It is JUST a game. It has become big business with millions of dollars at stake and up for prizes. Womens sport is never taken as seriously and violence against women by sportsmen seems part of the deal .
I am glad that in the case of the Steubenville High School the courts finally brought the boys to account for what they had done but unfortunately some newstation are still decrying the end of their brilliant sports careers without once mentioning the end of a young girls innocence and the devastating impact this rape and objectification will have on her life. Watch here
What do you think? Do we glorify sportsmen too much?
In fact in recent news quite the opposite has happened. You see we tend to glorify sports people but especially men, as if , merely because they can kick a ball further than other or run really fast or hit a small ball into a hole far, far away, or because they can catch really well. Now I understand that these are great accomplishments but not as great as climbing Everest or, inventing the computer or discovering a cure for a disease or raising a child to be a decent respectful human being. These are note worthy accomplishments but they all seem to be insignificant to the great and glorious SPORT.
But lets just pause and take a look at some of the dark side of sport shall we?
Herein New Zealand we revere the All Blacks like they are God's chosen ones and it leads to them also thinking of themselves as demi-gods. The latest one to fall foul of the glory of being an All Black has been Zac Guilford. He has now finally admitted to being an alcoholic but its hardly surprising with the main sponsorship for the team coming from various alcohol companies. Quite often when the boys are on tour claims of girls being raped, disorderly behaviour or drunken brawling are the norm and are played down by all concerned. As for the girls who claim they have been raped it always seems to be blamed on her for going back to the boys rooms.
All of this pales into insignificance in light of the Steubenville High School event that happened last year. Again we see the culture of sports heroes, only this time they are only of high school age. They are given free license to behave as badly as they choose and it is all passed off as boys letting off steam and "boys being boys". It is also seen as part of the normal behviour of a jock.
Now I always thought the idea of sports was for the sport itself to be an outlet for excess testosterone, that the players would exhaust themselves running around after the ball or hitting the ball with a stick or throwing it through a hoop or whatever sport it is that they are playing. The reality is that it just seems to hype them up even more so that they need an after party of alcohol and general debauchery to wind down after the game and if this means that somebody gets punched or things get smashed or girls get raped , well then that is just par for the course. In fact it is not just limited to the players of the game. Those at home or in the stands also get wound up about the game and fights regularly break out in the stands or on the trains on the way home. In fact soccer hooligans have become a staple of every soccer match in England.
Men regularly go home drunk, after the game and punch their wives or beat each other up on the way home or rape some unsuspecting women.
Oscar Pistorious has just been accused of shooting his girlfriend in a roid rage ( yes we even have a term for it!) and he is an Olympic athlete ie the creme de la creme of all sportsmen.
These are the people that we are telling our kids to emulate, to look up to. We encourage our kids to take up sports to let off stream, to direct their emotions into a physical activity so that they don't vent them in unhealthy ways but the reality seems to be the exact opposite for some of our elite athletes. They drink too much, they take drugs ( Lance Armstrong springs to mind), they want to win at any cost and because we give them such huge respect for what they do they think they have license to do as they please and their managers and the clubs they belong to will protect them, and they do. Sure they might get a fine or stood down from playing a certain game for a short period but ultimately their large pay checks and their do as you please lifestyle continues.
Sport was supposed to be fun. It is JUST a game. It has become big business with millions of dollars at stake and up for prizes. Womens sport is never taken as seriously and violence against women by sportsmen seems part of the deal .
I am glad that in the case of the Steubenville High School the courts finally brought the boys to account for what they had done but unfortunately some newstation are still decrying the end of their brilliant sports careers without once mentioning the end of a young girls innocence and the devastating impact this rape and objectification will have on her life. Watch here
What do you think? Do we glorify sportsmen too much?
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Letting Go Part Two
I've been a bit quiet lately. My youngest son moved home for the month of February before he headed off overseas so I have been spending a lot of time connecting with him.
Yesterday I took him to the airport and said good bye. Not entirely sure when I will get to see him again. Any of you who are parents and have experienced this will know what I'm talking about.
When they move out of home to go flatting you know that there will be visits home, whether it's for Christmas or weddings or just because, kids always come home. But when they head off overseas they are off for the adventure of a lifetime.
It has almost become a rite of passage for Kiwi (New Zealand) kids. We are so far from everything that , inevitably, the kids head off overseas. Some come home after a few years and some never do.
My son was an accident. He was the baby I had when I was separated from his father. He has always been my boy as his father and I never got back together. sure he has had contact with his dad. His father was there at his birth and stuck around in NZ for the first few months before heading back to the US. And that has been the pattern throughout my son's life, Dad would drop in for a few months, the kids would go visit him and then he would return to the US.
My current husband met me when I was pregnant and has been a constant in our lives ever since. He is the man that has raised my youngest son, although my son has always known exactly who his father is, I made sure of that. I took photos of them together and hung them by his bed and every nap time and every bed time we talked about who that man in the picture holding him was, from 5 months onwards.
It is only recently that my son has told me about how much he felt he missed out by never living with me and his Dad together as a family. I always knew that it would be an issue but never realized the full impact on him. He would hear his brothers talk about things we had done as a family and he felt excluded.
I did my best. I gave him a family with my husband and his daughters but it is never the same.
So my son has set off to the US to live with his Dad for a while and sort out his relationship to this man who is his father, who has never fathered him. I know that this is what he needs to do. I know that this is vital for him to fully grow into the man he is meant to be. I have known that this was going to happen at some point from the time he went to visit his Dad for 6 weeks when he was 11. He came home from that trip and told me "I'm a city kid and I want to live over there one day".
I have been mentally preparing myself for this day.
It still takes some adjusting to. as I've said before letting go is never easy.
Yesterday I took him to the airport and said good bye. Not entirely sure when I will get to see him again. Any of you who are parents and have experienced this will know what I'm talking about.
When they move out of home to go flatting you know that there will be visits home, whether it's for Christmas or weddings or just because, kids always come home. But when they head off overseas they are off for the adventure of a lifetime.
It has almost become a rite of passage for Kiwi (New Zealand) kids. We are so far from everything that , inevitably, the kids head off overseas. Some come home after a few years and some never do.
My son was an accident. He was the baby I had when I was separated from his father. He has always been my boy as his father and I never got back together. sure he has had contact with his dad. His father was there at his birth and stuck around in NZ for the first few months before heading back to the US. And that has been the pattern throughout my son's life, Dad would drop in for a few months, the kids would go visit him and then he would return to the US.
My current husband met me when I was pregnant and has been a constant in our lives ever since. He is the man that has raised my youngest son, although my son has always known exactly who his father is, I made sure of that. I took photos of them together and hung them by his bed and every nap time and every bed time we talked about who that man in the picture holding him was, from 5 months onwards.
It is only recently that my son has told me about how much he felt he missed out by never living with me and his Dad together as a family. I always knew that it would be an issue but never realized the full impact on him. He would hear his brothers talk about things we had done as a family and he felt excluded.
I did my best. I gave him a family with my husband and his daughters but it is never the same.
So my son has set off to the US to live with his Dad for a while and sort out his relationship to this man who is his father, who has never fathered him. I know that this is what he needs to do. I know that this is vital for him to fully grow into the man he is meant to be. I have known that this was going to happen at some point from the time he went to visit his Dad for 6 weeks when he was 11. He came home from that trip and told me "I'm a city kid and I want to live over there one day".
I have been mentally preparing myself for this day.
It still takes some adjusting to. as I've said before letting go is never easy.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
My embarrassing body
I was a skinny girl and grew into a skinny women. Was I happy? No. I always felt that I was too skinny or, even when I was skinny I somehow felt fat.
I have spent my life, like most women, obsessing over my body. Trying to make it fit some perceived ideal in my mind.
When I lay on the beach I would flip onto my stomach if anyone approached as I felt my ribs and hips stuck out too much.
I wanted my calves to be fatter so they would fill out boots better.
Then I had kids and I still wasn't happy with the way I looked. My tummy was now more squishy and my husband wanted me to look like I had before, even though I was still far from fat. He nagged just as my father had nagged my mother.
We moved to a new town and were now living closer to some old friends of his. He was biker and she was small, blond and petite. Next to her I felt ungainly and huge ( I wasn't). I am tall with broad shoulders, more of an Amazon than a Barbie. It didn't help that my (ex) husband and his mate would constantly make comments on my figure, how hot I would look if only I took better care of myself. It didn't stop his mate from constantly hitting on me though.
I finally left him only to get pregnant to him a couple of years later ( long story!) . Then I had my son, had a tubal ligation ( not letting THAT happen again!), turned thirty, got divorced and started dating the love of my life.
The weight fell off me at this point and I finally felt sexy, hot and fabulous. Although when I look at photos of me then I was waaaayyyyy too thin. My hair also started falling out from all the stress and I ended up having to bottle feed my boy from about 3 months as my milk dried up.
Two months later all the weight I lost started piling on. I went to the doctor feeling like my body was out of whack but was told everything was normal. Since then my weight has continued to climb. I have had numerous visits to doctors, always to be told the same thing, everything is normal.
It took me a long time to adjust to being a fat girl after years of being underweight, the image in my head was still a skinny girl.
My husband loves me regardless of my size. He has seen me fat and thin and everything in between. What he loves about me has nothing to do with the way I look and everything to do with who I am. When I see myself through his eyes I realize that I am beautiful, talented, loving and compassionate.
I am much more than my body, My size is irrelevant, what matters most is what comes from my heart.
I am learning to love my body. Some days are easier than others. When I take the time to remember all that my body does for me it is far easier to love it.
Every day we are bombarded with images of stick thin models and actresses. They are photoshopped to within an inch of their live so that it no longer even resembles the person in real life.The actresses are on constant diets and exercise regimes to maintain their image and are mocked for looking anything less than stellar in any photos, whether they are walking the red carpet or hanging out at the beach. Julia Roberts is famous for saying even she doesn't look like Julia Roberts when she wakes up in the morning.
I would like to start a love your body revolution. For the next month make a pledge to greet yourself each morning as you look in the mirror by saying "Good morning Gorgeous. I Love you. Have a great day." It will seem strange at first but stick with it and say it like you mean it. Leave me a comment to let me know how you get on and to say you have taken the pledge.
I have spent my life, like most women, obsessing over my body. Trying to make it fit some perceived ideal in my mind.
 |
| Image by Sue Fitzmaurice |
I wanted my calves to be fatter so they would fill out boots better.
Then I had kids and I still wasn't happy with the way I looked. My tummy was now more squishy and my husband wanted me to look like I had before, even though I was still far from fat. He nagged just as my father had nagged my mother.
We moved to a new town and were now living closer to some old friends of his. He was biker and she was small, blond and petite. Next to her I felt ungainly and huge ( I wasn't). I am tall with broad shoulders, more of an Amazon than a Barbie. It didn't help that my (ex) husband and his mate would constantly make comments on my figure, how hot I would look if only I took better care of myself. It didn't stop his mate from constantly hitting on me though.
I finally left him only to get pregnant to him a couple of years later ( long story!) . Then I had my son, had a tubal ligation ( not letting THAT happen again!), turned thirty, got divorced and started dating the love of my life.
The weight fell off me at this point and I finally felt sexy, hot and fabulous. Although when I look at photos of me then I was waaaayyyyy too thin. My hair also started falling out from all the stress and I ended up having to bottle feed my boy from about 3 months as my milk dried up.
Two months later all the weight I lost started piling on. I went to the doctor feeling like my body was out of whack but was told everything was normal. Since then my weight has continued to climb. I have had numerous visits to doctors, always to be told the same thing, everything is normal.
It took me a long time to adjust to being a fat girl after years of being underweight, the image in my head was still a skinny girl.
My husband loves me regardless of my size. He has seen me fat and thin and everything in between. What he loves about me has nothing to do with the way I look and everything to do with who I am. When I see myself through his eyes I realize that I am beautiful, talented, loving and compassionate.
 | |
| Quote by J K Rowling |
I am learning to love my body. Some days are easier than others. When I take the time to remember all that my body does for me it is far easier to love it.
Every day we are bombarded with images of stick thin models and actresses. They are photoshopped to within an inch of their live so that it no longer even resembles the person in real life.The actresses are on constant diets and exercise regimes to maintain their image and are mocked for looking anything less than stellar in any photos, whether they are walking the red carpet or hanging out at the beach. Julia Roberts is famous for saying even she doesn't look like Julia Roberts when she wakes up in the morning.
I would like to start a love your body revolution. For the next month make a pledge to greet yourself each morning as you look in the mirror by saying "Good morning Gorgeous. I Love you. Have a great day." It will seem strange at first but stick with it and say it like you mean it. Leave me a comment to let me know how you get on and to say you have taken the pledge.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)