I have committed to writing every day this month because I do love a challenge. The theme for the month is GROW which gives me lots of space to play around so lets dive in shall we?
Now that I've launched my first book I have turned my thoughts to what to write about next and it seems that I haven't finished with the theme of sex quite yet.
And just to put you out of your misery there is still no Viagra specifically for women.
So what's a girl to do when her libido starts to wane?
For starters realise that you are not alone, a flagging libido is a common complaint for women. The trouble is that we are very complex creatures and it is not a simple process of flicking switch A and *poof* we are turned on. When it comes to being turned on things are far, far simpler for men but even then the result of taking a pill, such is Viagra, is not the ultimate solution for them either. sure they may have a raging hard on but if they haven't adequately turned on their partner before taking it then all their hopes may be in vain.
When it comes to female arousal even the experts are at a loss.
As I said before women are complex when it comes to arousal, it's not just a question of getting the blood flowing in the right places it is also about how connected we feel to our partner, how pressured we feel in our daily lives, the state of our hormones, other medications such as the pill and our ability to orgasm not to mention the pain some women experience during sex. Once you factor in all these issues you begin to get some sens of how big an issue it is for women and their partners.
And lets not forget the constant impression we get from the media that women (a) don't want sex as much as men or (b) if they do they are sluts. religion also likes to jump on this bandwagon too which leaves us all feeling a lot of pressure to conform to the "good girl" model and play down our sexuality.
You just need to look at the popularity of "Fifty Shades of Grey" to see that there is a lot simmering away beneath the surface, that women are interested in sex and all sorts of sex.
Here's some tips to start turning yourself on;
(1) It's not his job.
Our libido is in our hands... literally. It is not anyone else's job to turn us on , it is up to us. A great way to keep your engine rev-ing is masturbation. I know, I get it, no-one likes to talk about it but the fact of the matter is our libido is a use it or lose it proposition so do yourself a favor and keep your engine in idle by spending a little quality alone time
(2) Read some erotic fiction.
Go grab the Fifty Shades books or find some other stories to find out just what gets your juices flowing.
(3) Lube up.
Make sure that pain is not on the menu and always, always have plenty of lube on hand (pun intended). I love coconut oil as it has a myriad of uses in the bedroom and doesn't contain any nasty chemicals to irritate your delicate feminine tissues. It's not great with latex though so don't use it if you are using condoms.
(4) Get physical.
Movement is how our body operates and if you spend lots of time sitting for work then this could be part of the low libido issue. Dancing is great fun and you can do it by yourself at home without any equipment. Dancing will give you a burst of the happy's and release all sorts of feel good chemicals in your body which may be just the spark you are looking for. Or walk. Or go to the gym. Or try yoga, anything that will get your blood flowing and your heart pumping.
(5) Check with your doctor.
If you are taking any medication already ask your doctor if a low libido could be a side effect and if it is, is there an alternative that you can try. Antidepressants and contraceptive pills can both play havoc with your libido so keep trying different ones until you find one that works for you.
You might want to check for any other issues that might also be having an impact.
(6) Clear your past
Let go of any old issues of trust or shame or guilt to do with sex that are a hang over from past relationships. I know that is easier said than done but if it is interfering with your current life then it is time to let that shit go. Find a great therapist, cry, write letters to old lovers ( to burn, not to send!!), try EFT ( tapping - check out Youtube for some videos) but let it all go
(7) Use it or lose it.
Yes, it is worth reiterating. Think of your libido as a fire. When the fire dies down it can be reignited if there are still some embers left but when it has gone out completely then you have to start from scratch and collect paper, kindling and matches. Your libido is just the same - if it has gone out completely due to lack of sex or lack of a partner than you are going to slowly have to start building it up again. And once you do make sure to keep the embers burning.
We need to stopping having a mindful and start being mindful. Big difference.
We all live far too much in our heads. We stress about everything from the bills we have to pay to how many calories are in what we just ate.
Men and women are different in lots of ways and one of the biggest is what we think about while we are in bed together.
Here's what women think men are thinking:
(1) Her boobs/butt/ other body part aren't as great as...... (fill in the blank with some other random hot person)
(2) I wish I was with (fill in the blank random , hot person who is not you)
(3) She is not as sexy as ( random other hot person that is not you)
You get the idea. We tend to think that he is fantasizing about someone else; someone sexier, someone with better body parts, someone who is not us.
Here's what woman are thinking:
(1) I hope he doesn't notice my (insert flawed body part here - butt, boobs, stretch marks, whatever we are most insecure about this week)
(2) Am I being sexy enough?
(3) Does he love me?
We are, generally, so insecure about our bodies that we may (1) leave the lights off (2) stay partially clothed or (3) both of these
Here's what men are really thinking:
(1) I am the luckiest guy in the world to be here with her
(2) She looks so beautiful in this light
(3) Does she love me? I hope she loves me
Now here's the thing we both need to stop assuming that we know what the other is thinking. we both need to drop our guards and be present in this one glorious moment of deep connection and the only way to truly do that is to be completely naked - naked in mind, body and spirit. This is the moment when we have to be our most authentic, raw and beautiful selves.
Because, really, truly none of that other shit matters.
There is one door in my house that I affectionately call the "Door of Awesomeness" and that is the fridge door. Everything goes on there. Fridge magnets that I love, photos of my kids and grandkids before I put them in frames or the photo album, but mostly it is covered in quotes that I love.
I am a wordy person and I have been collecting quotes for as long as I can remember.
I collect them in note books and scraps of paper. I have folders full of the ones I have printed out and I always have some on the fridge. Always.
That is until a few weeks ago when I was doing a big de-clutter, spring clean ( even tho where I am we are moving into Autumn!). In a flurry of domesticity and a desire for a more zen like calm in the house, I stripped the fridge door bare... and left it like that. For about a week.
There was the fridge door in all its stark, stainless steel glory. All shiny and gleaming. But it didn't feel right. Worse, it didn't feel, like me anymore.
The thing is all those quotes and pictures are things I read whenever I open the fridge or stroll through the kitchen. sometimes while I am sitting over at my office desk I will glance into the kitchen and read something off the fridge to inspire me or ground me.
When my youngest son moved overseas I printed out an A4 sized pic of him and placed it on the fridge because I missed him. Soon my husband ( who is notorious for coming up with nicknames) started refering to him as FridgeBoy: "Have you heard from FridgeBoy recently?"
Nothing stays the same in life, or on my fridge and so that pic has come down (my son is now living in the UK), new grandchildren have been born ( their pics went on the fridge and have now come down), new inspiration comes, new poems are found and they all spend time on the fridge
I guess my fridge is a bit like a mini vision board or collection site for all my current interests. My shower is another place for me to gather my poems and quotes. This is where I post quotes to inspire me for the morning or prayers that I am working with. In fact, if I really break it down my whole home is full of altars and vision boards, places to savour the word in all its many forms - quotes, poems, intentions and prayers.
What prayers keep you going? Is there a quote that you carry with you or have somewhere in your home? Is your fridge a door of awesomeness that you renew as the mood takes you? If it is I would love you to share it on Instagram with the hashtag #doorofawesomeness so I can check it out.
In the meantime Sign Up for my newsletter to keep up with all the new stuff I have coming for you.
After months of work and hesitation and fear and self doubt I have finally done it and my book is now available to order on Kindle at Amazon.
To celebrate I'm posting the first chapter here for you to read.
Chapter One
Birth of a Goddess
“Let the world know you as you are, not as they think you should be because sooner or later, if you are posing, you will forget the pose and then where are you?” Fanny Brice
A few years ago I was away with my husband for a bit of “ahem” adult time and I decided that I needed some sexy lingerie to add to the atmosphere so I trotted in to the local lingerie shop and started looking through the racks.
Now, I must add a note here that I am a plus size woman, or as I like to say, Voluptuous. Just take a moment and roll that word around on your tongue, voluptuous, the word itself sounds sensuous, don’t you think? Far better than “plus size” (blech!) or “fuller figured” (gick!). No, I am an Amazon; a voluptuous, curvaceous woman.
So back to the lingerie shop and the lovely middle aged woman who was serving me. I started off by telling her that I was looking for some nice underwear and she dutifully started showing me some fairly beige bras etc. I forgot to mention that not only am I curvaceous I am also middle aged and have numerous grandchildren but I refuse to dress or look like a Nana!! After she had showed me a selection of very bland offerings I announced to her that actually I was a Sex Goddess and wanted something a bit sexier. To her credit she didn’t bat an eye or even blush. No, she instantly switched from beige Nana bras to some sexy, black, lacy camisoles and a racy, red teddy. Perfect!
I have no idea where the urge to inform this poor woman that I was a sex goddess came from or why I blurted it out but it did and it was the best thing ever. After I had made my purchases I reunited with my husband and informed him of what I had said. His response was to laugh and say “Well of course you are” and we proceeded to have the best weekend ever.
There are a few other events that also set me on this path. One was a naked photo shoot I had done years earlier for a male friend of mine. Grundy (that was his nickname) had been mates with me for a while, nothing sexual just good friends. He was also a photographer, doing mainly black and white pictures and he was looking to branch out into nudes. That is when he asked me to pose for him. I was 27 at the time and not involved with anyone and was taken completely by surprise. I was also instantly aware of my less than perfect body but I agreed and just asked him to give me a few days to get myself mentally prepared.
On the day I posed for him I was nervous as anything and it was only as he was setting everything up that I noticed that he was in fact, shaking and more nervous than I was. Once I saw that I completely relaxed and had the most amazing day. I lost count of how many rolls of film he used and at the end of it another friend; Paul arrived and became part of the shoot as well. Nothing sexual took place but we were all exhilarated at the end of it and went out for a great night of drinking and partying.
If you have ever watched “How to look good naked” with Gok Wan you will get some idea of just how liberating and uplifting doing a naked photo shoot is. The boost to your confidence is amazing. I was blessed to have two dear, male (non-gay) friends spend the day admiring my body which felt incredible.
Years later I was asked by another friend if I would participate in a fashion show as one of his models. By this stage I was a plus sized woman, in my 40’s and living in a small town and working in one of the local stores. I agreed and again it was life changing. Robert is gay and so it was like my very own Gok Wan moment. I swear every woman should be dressed by a gay man at some point in her life; they view our bodies in a totally different light. That is, of course a very broad sweeping generalization because not all gay men are fashionistas but the ones that are? Oh my Goddess, they are amazing at dressing women’s bodies.
Being a model and walking down a catwalk with my youngest son (14 at the time) and husband in the audience, both looking so proud was another amazing boost to my confidence. What totally blew me away and was quite unexpected was the number of gorgeous women, of all shapes and sizes who came up to me afterwards and told me how brave I was and how beautiful I looked on the stage and how they wouldn’t have the courage to do the same thing.
All of these events; at different ages and stages and sizes of my life, have led to me becoming more comfortable in my own skin, more comfortable with who I am sexually, emotionally and spiritually. The biggest lesson I learned is this: No-one is going to come along and anoint you a sex goddess it is something that you declare for yourself and then grow into.
When you think of the term sex goddess what springs to mind? Do you think of a model from the cover of a magazine in a provocative pose? Or do you think of something a bit tacky? Whatever you think you are probably wrong. Every woman has within her the power to be a sex goddess, to ooze sex appeal and sensuality, without having to wear provocative clothes or be overtly sexual. The trouble is we have lost sight of our own sensual nature. We have been taught that sex is dirty and bad and sinful. We have been led to believe that women who dress a certain way are slutty or cheap or that they are just “asking for it” (reinforced by songs such as Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines).
So we tone down our sexuality and sensuality, we try to keep it under wraps for fear of what others will think of us. We also beat up on our bodies for not looking the way that we want them to, for not having big enough breasts, thin enough thighs, for having cellulite or lumpy bits. We think that to be sexy we have to be a certain size, shape, weight, height or some other attribute that we currently lack.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Being a sex goddess is built right into our DNA, it is who we are. We are designed to be sexual, sensual, alluring creatures. We are designed to be curvy, in the right places, to exude pheromones that surround us alerting males that we are available. Yes, we all look different and there is someone out there that will find what you have to offer incredibly hot and exciting. But first you have to realise that you are hot and exciting.
We get so busy judging ourselves, judging each other, comparing our bodies to what we see displayed on billboards that we forget just how fabulous we already are. I constantly hear from women that they don’t undress in front of their husbands or that they only make love with the lights out and every time I hear it I swear, a little sex fairy dies.
You see our men adore us. They don’t care about the cellulite or the wrinkles or the extra pounds you are carrying. They care that you are climbing into bed…… with them. That they get the privilege (yes, privilege!!) of making love to you. But we are so focused on the jiggly bits that we find it hard to even stay focused on the moment and enjoy what is happening to us. We forget to participate fully in the here and now and so our orgasm remains elusive, our enjoyment of the moment is blunted and we all lose.
Now maybe we had our mojo back in the day. Maybe we thought we were all that and then some before we had kids and then they came along and our belief that we were sexy flew out the window. It happens. One minute you are a hot, sexy women and the next you are a mother and for some reason that feels like the least sexy person you could ever be. And you are not wrong.
I’m not saying that mothers are not sexy, far from it. It is just that up until this moment, when this word applied to you, the words Mum and sexy just never went together in your mind. Generally because we tend to think of Mum as being our mother and we sure as hell never thought of her as sexy.
Motherhood is huge adjustment and part of that, that often gets over looked, is maintaining our intimate relationship and hanging onto the idea that we can be sexy and mum at the same time. Most of us get lost in the whirlwind of new babies; sleepless nights, trying to make it through the day with this little being that can’t tell you what it wants or needs at any given moment. Add into the mix issues with breastfeeding; cracked nipples, swollen breasts and whether or not it is right for you and your baby and soon enough sex gets pushed far….. far down the list.
Or maybe you are past that stage of life and now you have older kids in the house but you still haven’t managed to bring the sexy back. Or maybe you have teenagers and all that entails. If you have teenage daughters roaming around the house you have the daily reminder of how your body is not anymore and so you hide your body even more.
Maybe you are an empty nester and were hoping that now, finally, you could get back to your sexy self only now you are going through menopause and all of its dramas; loss of lubrication, hot flushes, lack of sex drive and the list goes on (just between you and me it doesn’t have to be this way. We’ll get to that later on). Of course, the media doesn’t help with its view of older women as being undesirable.
Well I’m here to tell you that you can bring your sexy back. You can reconnect with your inner Sex Goddess whatever age or stage that you are at. She is right there waiting for you to let her out. In fact she never, ever left you.
You left her.
You stepped away into the world of ‘should’s. You bought into the belief that the media has been shoving down our throats for years that it is men that want sex and women that say “no”. You bought into the belief that women over the age of ( fill in the blank) aren’t sexy, that being a mum isn’t sexy , that women of a certain size or shape aren’t sexy, that small breasted woman aren’t sexy. You bought into the idea that only blonde's are sexy, thatonly by fitting into size (fill in the blank) is sexy, that sexy looked a certain way and you were not it.
All of this is lies propagated by the media; the cosmetic companies, the fitness industry, the diet industry, the clothing manufacturers to keep you dissatisfied with your body, with your hair, with your skin so that they can sell you more products. Women’s hating their bodies is a billion dollar business. From cosmetics to cosmetic surgery, from weight loss programs to diet foods, from the latest fashion craze to the fashion spreads in magazines, the list goes on and on and all have one goal in mind; to keep women feeling insecure about their bodies and how they look.
If we loved ourselves and were happy with our bodies we wouldn’t constantly be obsessing about buying just the ‘right’ outfit to make us feel better about ourselves. We wouldn’t be trying to find the right diet or the right fitness regime to help us become the perfect size. We wouldn’t be shopping around to find the perfect shade of lipstick or the best anti-aging formula for our skin.
No, we would probably be home having mind blowing sex with our husband, in broad day light feeling like the hottest thing on the planet.
But we are not.
We know that something is missing. We know that we should feel better about ourselves. We have been searching for the thing that will fix us. We’ve read all the self-help books. We’ve been to all the seminars. We’ve been to various healers, clairvoyants and health expos looking for the answers. We’ve tried all the weight loss programs. We have tried all the diets to lose that last ten pounds. In fact we may be in the best shape we have ever been in (or not).
The truth is we just need to reconnect to our inner goddess. We need to connect to our sensuality. We need to stop fighting with our bodies and trying to force them into some ideal that we have in our minds of what we ‘should’ look like. We have fallen out of love with ourselves and so we are busy looking outside of ourselves to try and fix it but the answer lies within us, it always has.
We have become so disconnected from our bodies that we don’t know what messages she has been trying to tell us for years. We have assumed that the aches and pains, the nausea, the constant tiredness is from some mystery illness when in reality it is just our body trying to get our attention. Often getting sick is the only way for us to start paying attention to ourselves. When we get sick we finally have permission to look after our bodies. My wish is for us to pay attention before that happens.
Human beings are very sexual beings. We have just denied this part of us for so long that we have forgotten. Watch any baby boy with his nappy off for any length of time and his hands begin exploring; he will grab his foot, his hair and finally his penis and then he will start to get an erection. In fact there are even images of baby boys playing with themselves in utero. Baby girls will also explore it’s just that we don’t have an external appendage that we can hang onto.
Babies are also very sensual. Everything is new to them and so they enjoy and delight in all of their senses. In fact it is how they make sense of the world, everything is sniffed, touched, tasted, chewed up and spat out. And we have lost that connection. We have shut off our senses and lost connection with our bodies.
We no longer know when we are hungry or thirsty or if that ache in our gut is from something we ate or because we are feeling anxious. We confuse thirst for hunger, and vice versa. We eat foods that are not good for us and do not pay attention to the warning signals our brains are giving us. We have handed over the care of our bodies to doctors and expect them to fix us with a prescription all the while failing to pay attention to the signs and signals our own bodies are sending us.
We exercise to the point of pain and then push through it because “no pain, no gain” and other such slogans, all of which betray the very body that we live in. We stay up late, past the point of feeling tired in order to watch one more TV show or complete some work or just because we can and then wonder why we can’t sleep. We drink coffee after coffee to keep us a wake, to give us an energy boost, to keep going and going when what we really need is water and fresh air and a brief moment connecting with nature away from the electronic world. Or we eat sugar, in the form of chocolate or cake to make us feel loved.
How do we step back, reconnect to our sensuous nature, and reconnect to our bodies?
We start by declaring love for our bodies and stopping the war that we currently have with ourselves. Now, you might think that this is a purely selfish act that developing a love affair with our bodies is not a noble act, that it is not serving the world or the greater good and I am here to tell you that it is, in fact, the single most powerful act you can commit to. Not only is loving your body a truly revolutionary act for yourself but also for the whole world.
In metaphysics they talk about “as above, so below.” The bit that we forget is “as within, so without”. What does this all mean? It means that everything that you do for yourself, you also do for the planet.
My theory is this; if we all stopped the internal war that we are having within ourselves then all the wars out there would also stop. Jesus said “Love thy neighbor as thy self.” And we have been paying attention only to the part about loving our neighbors and forgotten that it starts with loving ourselves, all of our selves, not just the bits that we feel good about already.
We live busy lives, full of distractions. We are bombarded with sights and sounds and smells but there are so many of them that we have learnt to tune them out to protect ourselves. The trouble is in doing this we have dulled our senses; we have lost touch with our own bodies and the innate wisdom that we were born with.
Now is the time for us to reconnect with our selves, to rediscover all that we have been hiding from. Now is the time for us to come home to ourselves.
Why? I work in the mind body field, primarily helping people with their relationships and their sexuality and what I am discovering is that people are so disconnected from what is happening in their own bodies that they are unable to connect with their partners bodies either. Being disconnected from your body means that you continue working when you are tired, you forget to eat when your body is signalling hunger, you push through the pain when you are exercising and then you pay the ultimate price and get ill when all along your body has been giving you the cues to rest, relax and rejuvenate.
Our society encourages us to continue the disconnection. There is a pill for every ailment; aspirin for headaches, ointments for joint pain, pills to help us sleep, drinks to give us energy and alcohol, drugs and endless reality shows to distract us from thinking too much. I think the whole world would suffer from caffeine withdrawal if coffee suddenly disappeared off the planet; it seems to be the fuel that gets us through the day.
It is my view that a love your body revolution can have a major impact on the world and maybe it is a lofty ideal and, frankly, we have got nothing to lose.
Coming soon: A four week on-line course "How to be Irresistible"
Letting go of anything is a process. It is not simply a matter of opening your hand and releasing something - if it was that easy we would all be doing it.
We hold on even if we are miserable....in the vain hope that things will get better.
There is a Grumpy Cat Meme that sums it up nicely: There are two things I hate - change and the way things are.
We all want a different life we just don't want to change anything in the process. No, what we would really like is for a Fairy to come along and with one wave of her magic wand transform everything that we feel needs changing. The thing that we forget is that we are the Fairy... and the magic wand.
There are differing layers in letting go. Letting go of a piece of clothing that you have had for years is easier than letting go of a dear friend has become anything but friendly. The big thing to remember is that by clearing space in your life you make room for the new to bloom and grow.
Every time I have moved home it has been a wrench for me; this is the place where my children were born, here is where they took their first steps, over there is where we created memories. The whole house feels permeated with our tears of laughter and of joy, our highs and lows and it is which is why space clearing your environment is vital.
Someone once told me that all I put out in the world has claw marks on it and she was right - I fight to hold on and I fight to let go. I have found that my fight to hold on is easing and that my letting go is much more fluid. I am opening and softening into releasing things into the world. Lovely word releasing sounds so restful whereas letting go sounds like work ( well it does to me)
Whether you are letting go of a place you live to move somewhere new or leaving a relationship the process is the same. Pick one area to work on- one small drawer to clean out. If you focus too much on the job at hand - moving house, it can feel overwhelming so zero in on one drawer, one desk, one room.
If you are leaving a relationship take one small step towards the life you want - tell a friend you are thinking of leaving, start looking at a new rental. Keep it simple.
(2) Go slow.
Letting go is a process, a journey it doesn't happen in one fell swoop. think of it as more of a gradual easing of the grip. Remember those claw marks I mentioned? those come from clinging too tightly, too fiercely and will become a stranglehold if you are not careful. What we are aiming for is a gradual softening, relaxing into it a little more every day. A slow realization that this is happening and becoming at peace with that.
All those house moves I talked about? They were moves that I absolutely wanted to happen but what lay before me; new towns, new people, new life were all uncharted territory and therefore a tad scary. Venturing into unknown territory is always scary and that is why we take it one step at a time, slowly, gracefully and easily.
(3) Keep your eye on the prize
It's easy to forget where you are headed, to let the fear of all the newness overwhelm you and collapse in a heap just remember where you are headed and why. Look at the big picture - a fresh start in a new town is a chance to totally reinvent yourself, breathing space from the end of one relationship gives you a chance to reconnect to who you are as a singleton.
(4) It's all energy
In the process of clearing clutter, shifting house and ending a relationship you are clearing and making space for new energy to enter your life. This process can release all sorts of emotions that have been buried underneath a mountain of stuff. Expect to feel weepy and emotional. Expect to have emotional outbursts. It is all part of the process and it's all part of the healing.
Yes, even just clearing out a closet can feel overwhelming! I just did this on the weekend and as I uncovered old parts of me: kids clothes from kids who have long since left home and now have kids of their own, a bag I bought over 25 years ago when I first left my ex husband, leather gloves I bought back when we were still together and on the list goes, I had to decide which bits to keep and which to let go of. The gloves went and so did some of the kids clothes but that hippie bag? Yeah, I kept that .. for a while longer at least.
(5) Be ruthless... and gentle
Sometimes letting go is like ripping off a plaster - one good yank and you are done and sometimes it needs to be that quick. There are times as you are clearing through the closet when you can happily biff things without a second glance... and yet there are also times to be tender and gentle and hold on for just a bit longer. There have been many times when I have thrown things away without a second glance only to realize much later that I wasn't quite done with it yet.
When I first left my husband I gave away everything - EVERYTHING! And one of those things was a leather handbag that he gave me. I really didn't want to let it go because I loved that bag but I was being ruthless so out it went. And I have been searching for another bag like it ever since.
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