Living Life Out Loud
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Pushing the boundary
I was driving home the other night and saw a car coming towards me from the other direction and it hit me ( an idea, not the car!) that the only thing between me and the car coming towards me was a thin, white line painted on the road.
That was it.
That little line, marked on the road was a clear boundary; this is my lane, that is your lane.
Boundaries are everywhere.
They mark the start and finish of our properties; either a fence or a hedge, this is mine, that is yours.
We have rules and regulations which act as boundaries for "good"behaviour; cars drive on the road, people walk on the footpath, red lights mean stop, green means go.
As parents we have boundaries for our children; keep your elbows off the table ( for those that still eat at tables), say please and thank you, be home at 10 o'clock at night, no you can't use my car! And, as children do, they push those boundaries. They ask for just a little bit more or they continually come home late just to see what exactly, pushing that boundary will mean as far as consequences go.
We have boundaries in our close relationships too. These are not often clearly defined.
That is actually not true. We teach people how to treat us in the first few months of a relationship and it is only later, when those boundaries have been pushed way out of shape, that we realise what our boundaries are.
When is a friend not a friend?
Let me give you an example. A client, lets call her Rosie ( all names have been changed to protect client confidentiality) came in to discuss a situation with a friend of hers. The friend, lets call her Jasmine, continually rang Rosie and would launch into her story; no preamble, no greeting just a blatant "can you do this for me? Now? and call me straight back when you've done it"
Not exactly a conversation and definitely no interest in what was going on in Rosie's life. This had been going on for months and Rosie had happily helped her friend out, offering advice, listening to the money/boyfriend/ex husband woes. She had been a good friend. and now she had some issues of her own and was finding Jasmine's demands exhausting and draining.
Finally she had enough and on one of those days that Jasmine was calling and texting and wanting more and more of her time Rosie drew a line in the sand. She stated a boundary "I am too tired to discuss this further and am going to bed shortly" Which prompted Jasmine to ring her straight back with an offhand "Yeah, yeah yeah, tired whatever can you..."
At which point Rosie hung up.
Jasmine rang straight back so Rosie hung up again.
Jasmine fired off a text asking if something was wrong with the phone line to which Rosie replied "No, I hung up. I'm going to bed. "
Now until this point Rosie had always been available for Jasmine. Always.
Needless to say this changed the whole relationship. In fact the relationship ended.
Rosie was just as much to blame for the boundary pushing that Jasmine expected because Rosie had always allowed it to happen.
When the dynamic changes, when you state a new boundary that hasn't been at play in the relationship before, every thing will change.
Every thing.
Rosie had finally started valuing who she was and so she needed to surrounded her self with people who also saw her value.
What do you value about you?
If you haven't defined your self worth then it is easy for others to dictate that to you. If you have repeatedly been told that you are worthless, useless, a nobody then you tend to believe those things and will bend over backwards to please others so that they can see your value. What you really need to work on, however, is defining your value for your self.
Determining your own self worth takes time. We are not used to figuring out how valuable we are. We are used to looking to outside influences to determine that for us. We looked to our parents to tell us how worthy we were and if that didn't happen then we continually looked to other respected figures; teachers, coaches, priests, team leaders, to provide that for us. But only we can determine our true value. In reality we are valuable just for being here, for being born and bringing with us all our talents and abilities that are unique to us.
That is what we forget that we have inherent value merely by being alive.
You matter.
The world would be a completely different place without you in it. We are all pieces of one giant puzzle and all pieces go to make up the whole.
Establishing clear boundaries
(1) Define your worth. Do whatever it takes to determine that you are worthy of being treated well. EFT ( tapping) is great for helping to clear away old beliefs. Contact me here
(2) Decide. Decide what it is that you will put up with and what you won't. Decide that you are worthy of respect. Decide that you are worthy.
(3) Do not tolerate being treated any other way. If someone disrespects you, no matter who they are, call them on it. Tell them, calmly, that this is not acceptable behaviour.
(4) Walk away. Some people will not change walk away from them. Yes, it sounds simple and I realise that it is not , in fact, simple but what you allow is what will continue. You have a choice - you can wither choose to value yourself or choose to be treated like a doormat. You. Get. To. Choose. You - no-one else.
So as the Lóreal slogan says "Because I'm worth it"
I ask you are you worth it? Are you worth being treated with respect?
I say YES, you are. Decide that you are then take action.
Liked this post? Check out Toxic People and how to avoid them
Sign up for me free newsletter to keep up with all the latest info PLUS get a FREE 12 Page report on the Hidden Stresses in Your Life.
That was it.
That little line, marked on the road was a clear boundary; this is my lane, that is your lane.
Boundaries are everywhere.
They mark the start and finish of our properties; either a fence or a hedge, this is mine, that is yours.
We have rules and regulations which act as boundaries for "good"behaviour; cars drive on the road, people walk on the footpath, red lights mean stop, green means go.
As parents we have boundaries for our children; keep your elbows off the table ( for those that still eat at tables), say please and thank you, be home at 10 o'clock at night, no you can't use my car! And, as children do, they push those boundaries. They ask for just a little bit more or they continually come home late just to see what exactly, pushing that boundary will mean as far as consequences go.
 |
| What you allow, is what will continue |
We have boundaries in our close relationships too. These are not often clearly defined.
That is actually not true. We teach people how to treat us in the first few months of a relationship and it is only later, when those boundaries have been pushed way out of shape, that we realise what our boundaries are.
When is a friend not a friend?
Let me give you an example. A client, lets call her Rosie ( all names have been changed to protect client confidentiality) came in to discuss a situation with a friend of hers. The friend, lets call her Jasmine, continually rang Rosie and would launch into her story; no preamble, no greeting just a blatant "can you do this for me? Now? and call me straight back when you've done it"
Not exactly a conversation and definitely no interest in what was going on in Rosie's life. This had been going on for months and Rosie had happily helped her friend out, offering advice, listening to the money/boyfriend/ex husband woes. She had been a good friend. and now she had some issues of her own and was finding Jasmine's demands exhausting and draining.
Finally she had enough and on one of those days that Jasmine was calling and texting and wanting more and more of her time Rosie drew a line in the sand. She stated a boundary "I am too tired to discuss this further and am going to bed shortly" Which prompted Jasmine to ring her straight back with an offhand "Yeah, yeah yeah, tired whatever can you..."
At which point Rosie hung up.
Jasmine rang straight back so Rosie hung up again.
Jasmine fired off a text asking if something was wrong with the phone line to which Rosie replied "No, I hung up. I'm going to bed. "
Now until this point Rosie had always been available for Jasmine. Always.
Needless to say this changed the whole relationship. In fact the relationship ended.
Rosie was just as much to blame for the boundary pushing that Jasmine expected because Rosie had always allowed it to happen.
When the dynamic changes, when you state a new boundary that hasn't been at play in the relationship before, every thing will change.
Every thing.
Rosie had finally started valuing who she was and so she needed to surrounded her self with people who also saw her value.
What do you value about you?
If you haven't defined your self worth then it is easy for others to dictate that to you. If you have repeatedly been told that you are worthless, useless, a nobody then you tend to believe those things and will bend over backwards to please others so that they can see your value. What you really need to work on, however, is defining your value for your self.
Determining your own self worth takes time. We are not used to figuring out how valuable we are. We are used to looking to outside influences to determine that for us. We looked to our parents to tell us how worthy we were and if that didn't happen then we continually looked to other respected figures; teachers, coaches, priests, team leaders, to provide that for us. But only we can determine our true value. In reality we are valuable just for being here, for being born and bringing with us all our talents and abilities that are unique to us.
That is what we forget that we have inherent value merely by being alive.
You matter.
The world would be a completely different place without you in it. We are all pieces of one giant puzzle and all pieces go to make up the whole.
Establishing clear boundaries
(1) Define your worth. Do whatever it takes to determine that you are worthy of being treated well. EFT ( tapping) is great for helping to clear away old beliefs. Contact me here
(2) Decide. Decide what it is that you will put up with and what you won't. Decide that you are worthy of respect. Decide that you are worthy.
(3) Do not tolerate being treated any other way. If someone disrespects you, no matter who they are, call them on it. Tell them, calmly, that this is not acceptable behaviour.
(4) Walk away. Some people will not change walk away from them. Yes, it sounds simple and I realise that it is not , in fact, simple but what you allow is what will continue. You have a choice - you can wither choose to value yourself or choose to be treated like a doormat. You. Get. To. Choose. You - no-one else.
So as the Lóreal slogan says "Because I'm worth it"
I ask you are you worth it? Are you worth being treated with respect?
I say YES, you are. Decide that you are then take action.
Liked this post? Check out Toxic People and how to avoid them
Sign up for me free newsletter to keep up with all the latest info PLUS get a FREE 12 Page report on the Hidden Stresses in Your Life.
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Conscious Couplng
Last week Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced that they were consciously uncoupling and since then the media has been churning out articles on the pros and cons of such a thing.
Gwyneth Paltrow seems to be a polarizing person - you either love her or hate her. Personally I have never thought too much about her but I found this concept of "conscious uncoupling" intriguing....... but from a slightly different perspective.
What if we "consciously coupled"?
What if we decided, on a conscious level, to commit, wholeheartedly, to our relationship, for better or worse ( see what I did there? I quoted the marriage vows)?
I can hear you already; Isn't that what we already do when we decide to get married? What is this woman talking about?
The truth is a lot of us think that this is what we are doing when we choose to marry our significant other but if we were truly honest with our selves we would realize that it is not actually the case.
We might actually be feeling pressured to marry because all our friends are doing it so surely it must be our turn? Or our parents are exerting a certain amount of pressure because you've reached a certain age and "when are we getting grandchildren?" starts being mentioned regularly.
It might not even be marriage, it might just be moving in together because (a) you will save on rent (b) you are tired of leaving stuff at his place (c) you already spend so much time together so you might as well.
At the same time we have in the back of our minds the "escape clause"; if it doesn't work out we can always get a divorce/break up. And I have to say in our disposable world that we currently live in, tossing a relationship is an all too common occurrence.
I am not saying all relationships can or should be saved. In this recent Mind Body Green article the author gives a list of reasons when a relationship is failing and beyond repair.
So what is "conscious coupling"?
In my mind it is when we decide to enter our relationship, fully aware of who we are and who our partner is. We know all our dark places and are either working on accepting ourselves and healing our own wounds without needing our partner to fix us or make us whole.
In the Jerry Maquire movie when he comes back to her house and says "you complete me"all the romantics sighed and wistfully hoped to find a man to do that or say that for them. We even talk about our partners as being "our better half" when in reality we are already complete within ourselves.
Because here is the truth of it, two broken halves do not make up a whole . It just makes more brokenness.
I know, for myself, I married my first husband to escape my family . I didn't know this at a conscious level but came to realise it after we were divorced. I also know that I didn't enter into my second relationship consciously . I am very conscious now though and I know that he is too.
We are committed wholly (holy) and completely to one another and only want the best for each other. In fact my darling has told me that for a long time he felt that he was merely looking after me until such time as I went back to my first husband - that's how much he loves me. ( where he got the idea that I would ever go back is beyond me and I loved him even more for wanting only the absolute best for me - even if it meant losing me).
Accepting what is
Too often we go into relationships thinking that we can change them. That once they are with us we will be able to stop them............ ( fill in the blank). Or we realise that all those endearing little habits that we loved when were dating are actually annoying to live with and so we start up the nagging.
The reality is accepting our partner for who they are is one of the greatest gifts we can give; to our selves, to the relationship and to them. Being with someone who totally "gets"you and wants to be with you anyway is heart opening, life affirming and a conscious choice that we can make.
So I say a loud "Bravo"to Gwyneth and Chris. They are choosing what they see is right for them.
I also say an even hearty "Bravo"to all those who consciously choose to stay and make the absolute most of their relationship, who work on accepting themselves and their partners, warts and all , who are truly embracing "till death do us part"and all the marriage vows - consciously.
Enjoyed reading this? Here's another blog you might like
Gwyneth Paltrow seems to be a polarizing person - you either love her or hate her. Personally I have never thought too much about her but I found this concept of "conscious uncoupling" intriguing....... but from a slightly different perspective.
What if we "consciously coupled"?
What if we decided, on a conscious level, to commit, wholeheartedly, to our relationship, for better or worse ( see what I did there? I quoted the marriage vows)?
I can hear you already; Isn't that what we already do when we decide to get married? What is this woman talking about?
The truth is a lot of us think that this is what we are doing when we choose to marry our significant other but if we were truly honest with our selves we would realize that it is not actually the case.
We might actually be feeling pressured to marry because all our friends are doing it so surely it must be our turn? Or our parents are exerting a certain amount of pressure because you've reached a certain age and "when are we getting grandchildren?" starts being mentioned regularly.
It might not even be marriage, it might just be moving in together because (a) you will save on rent (b) you are tired of leaving stuff at his place (c) you already spend so much time together so you might as well.
At the same time we have in the back of our minds the "escape clause"; if it doesn't work out we can always get a divorce/break up. And I have to say in our disposable world that we currently live in, tossing a relationship is an all too common occurrence.
I am not saying all relationships can or should be saved. In this recent Mind Body Green article the author gives a list of reasons when a relationship is failing and beyond repair.
So what is "conscious coupling"?
In the Jerry Maquire movie when he comes back to her house and says "you complete me"all the romantics sighed and wistfully hoped to find a man to do that or say that for them. We even talk about our partners as being "our better half" when in reality we are already complete within ourselves.Because here is the truth of it, two broken halves do not make up a whole . It just makes more brokenness.
I know, for myself, I married my first husband to escape my family . I didn't know this at a conscious level but came to realise it after we were divorced. I also know that I didn't enter into my second relationship consciously . I am very conscious now though and I know that he is too.
We are committed wholly (holy) and completely to one another and only want the best for each other. In fact my darling has told me that for a long time he felt that he was merely looking after me until such time as I went back to my first husband - that's how much he loves me. ( where he got the idea that I would ever go back is beyond me and I loved him even more for wanting only the absolute best for me - even if it meant losing me).
Accepting what is
Too often we go into relationships thinking that we can change them. That once they are with us we will be able to stop them............ ( fill in the blank). Or we realise that all those endearing little habits that we loved when were dating are actually annoying to live with and so we start up the nagging.
 | |||||||
| Sometimes we do need the help of a therapist |
The reality is accepting our partner for who they are is one of the greatest gifts we can give; to our selves, to the relationship and to them. Being with someone who totally "gets"you and wants to be with you anyway is heart opening, life affirming and a conscious choice that we can make.
So I say a loud "Bravo"to Gwyneth and Chris. They are choosing what they see is right for them.
I also say an even hearty "Bravo"to all those who consciously choose to stay and make the absolute most of their relationship, who work on accepting themselves and their partners, warts and all , who are truly embracing "till death do us part"and all the marriage vows - consciously.
Enjoyed reading this? Here's another blog you might like
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