My husband has the flu at the moment.
Some people like to refer to this phenomenon as "man flu" meaning that when men get sick they are somehow sicker or weaker than women, who just carry on regardless of how ill they are.
Neither of these things is true.
When I am sick I like to take to my bed (hello bed, I love you). I like to be coddled and taken care of. Does this always happen? No. Would it be great if it did? Absolutely, but often I still have shit to do.
When my husband is sick I have to cajole him into taking time off work and even then,he won't stay in bed and doesn't like me taking care of him -or as he calls it "making a fuss of him".
So can we just call "Bullshit" on the whole Man Flu thing? And while we are at it let's get rid of a few other tropes that separate and segregate us.
Not all women like pink.
Not all men are tough and unemotional.
Not all women nag.
Not all men are handy men and can fix anything.
Not all women love shoes.
Not all men are useless at looking after their kids.
Not all women are bitches.
Not all men are bastards.
If we want everyone to be equal then lets put the bullshit aside and realise that we are all just people.
None of us are from Mars.
None of us are from Venus.
We are from a beautiful blue planet called Earth..
PS Congratulations to the US for finally making Gay Marriage legal. Or as the rest of us like to refer to it, marriage.
Living Life Out Loud
Monday, June 29, 2015
Sunday, June 28, 2015
...and they lived happily, ever after
Even as adults we love a good fairy tale. Isn't that what every rom-com ever written is? A modern fairy tale written for adults?
Boy meets girl and for various reasons they can't be together but either she has fallen madly in love with him and must have him, or vice versa,but the story always ends with them deciding to be together. What we don't see is how they cope with the daily grind; the morning rush to get to work, the flat tyres and flat batteries,the school run and the sick kids, the laundry and the endless dishes.
No, we always leave them in the rosy glow of new love.
Yes, there have been the odd movies made about what comes next ( This is 40 is a great example)
but they are few and far between because daily life is not seen as sexy or desirable. We would rather stick with the fantasy of "happily ever after"
We have this idea that real love is effortless, that we shouldn't have to work at staying together. If we really loved each other then we wouldn't fight or get stressed about all the annoying little things our partner does.
Part of that is true - we have a choice as to which things we make a priority. I know that if I start focusing on the little things that my husband does that annoy me then before I know it they have become the BIG thing and I can't see anything else.
When I choose to focus on all the good things that he does - all those tiny, little things that we can overlook - then the annoying things become insignificant.
But it is a choice and we have to be aware that we are making it.
Choosing to stay together, regardless of the shit that happens, is the basis of real love. when we buy into the fantasy that real love is easy and effortless and requires no effort on our part then we walk away from all the great love that is right in front of us.
My husband and I have seven kids between us and (nearly) 13 grandkids. At present my 22 year old son is living at home after being over seas for the past two years. He is dealing with some health issues so home seems like a safe place to be, under Mum's tender care.
At the same time my father in law is also dealing with some health issues (he's 87). The house he lives in is cold and it is the middle of a very cold winter. It is starting to look like now would be a good time for him to move in with family, but the question is who?
Meanwhile the grandkids are about to start the school holidays and some parents could do with a hand with childcare while they work.
When you add all of that together life can get pretty complicated and overwhelming. It really does take a village to raise a child. It also takes a village to care for the elderly and everyone in between.
And happily ever after happens when you choose to embrace all of this and more. When you stick it out through thick and thin and realise that all of that beautiful mess is life, your life. When you accept that your husband is going to leave the toilet seat up, or the lid off the toothpaste, or that he will squeeze it from the middle, or he will forget to take the rubbish out, or he will take it out and forget to put a new bin liner in. And you will piss him off too. You will yell for no discernible reason, or get emotional at the wrong moment like when he wants to watch the game and you want to talk about your feelings.
Accepting each other for who they are is the real basis of a long term, successful relationship. Not expecting them to be a knight in shining armor that saves your from life's drudgery because that drudgery is the very stuff of life and we don't get to escape it. Having someone by your side while you go through it together is true love.
So let's leave the " and they all lived happily ever after" where it belongs, in the realms of fantasy and fairy tales and start embracing all the messy, aspects of relationships and love.
For more information on relationships and sex, life and love check out my book
Boy meets girl and for various reasons they can't be together but either she has fallen madly in love with him and must have him, or vice versa,but the story always ends with them deciding to be together. What we don't see is how they cope with the daily grind; the morning rush to get to work, the flat tyres and flat batteries,the school run and the sick kids, the laundry and the endless dishes.
No, we always leave them in the rosy glow of new love.
Yes, there have been the odd movies made about what comes next ( This is 40 is a great example)
but they are few and far between because daily life is not seen as sexy or desirable. We would rather stick with the fantasy of "happily ever after"
We have this idea that real love is effortless, that we shouldn't have to work at staying together. If we really loved each other then we wouldn't fight or get stressed about all the annoying little things our partner does.
Part of that is true - we have a choice as to which things we make a priority. I know that if I start focusing on the little things that my husband does that annoy me then before I know it they have become the BIG thing and I can't see anything else.
When I choose to focus on all the good things that he does - all those tiny, little things that we can overlook - then the annoying things become insignificant.
But it is a choice and we have to be aware that we are making it.
Choosing to stay together, regardless of the shit that happens, is the basis of real love. when we buy into the fantasy that real love is easy and effortless and requires no effort on our part then we walk away from all the great love that is right in front of us.
My husband and I have seven kids between us and (nearly) 13 grandkids. At present my 22 year old son is living at home after being over seas for the past two years. He is dealing with some health issues so home seems like a safe place to be, under Mum's tender care.
At the same time my father in law is also dealing with some health issues (he's 87). The house he lives in is cold and it is the middle of a very cold winter. It is starting to look like now would be a good time for him to move in with family, but the question is who?
Meanwhile the grandkids are about to start the school holidays and some parents could do with a hand with childcare while they work.
When you add all of that together life can get pretty complicated and overwhelming. It really does take a village to raise a child. It also takes a village to care for the elderly and everyone in between.
And happily ever after happens when you choose to embrace all of this and more. When you stick it out through thick and thin and realise that all of that beautiful mess is life, your life. When you accept that your husband is going to leave the toilet seat up, or the lid off the toothpaste, or that he will squeeze it from the middle, or he will forget to take the rubbish out, or he will take it out and forget to put a new bin liner in. And you will piss him off too. You will yell for no discernible reason, or get emotional at the wrong moment like when he wants to watch the game and you want to talk about your feelings.
Accepting each other for who they are is the real basis of a long term, successful relationship. Not expecting them to be a knight in shining armor that saves your from life's drudgery because that drudgery is the very stuff of life and we don't get to escape it. Having someone by your side while you go through it together is true love.
So let's leave the " and they all lived happily ever after" where it belongs, in the realms of fantasy and fairy tales and start embracing all the messy, aspects of relationships and love.
For more information on relationships and sex, life and love check out my book
Thursday, June 18, 2015
5 Morning Rituals for Self Love
How you start your day sets the tone for how your day will go. Every article you read on productivity or being happier says the same thing: have a morning and evening routine for they will set you up to live your best life.
It was with great delight that I came across this article by Mama Gena. My favorite line? This one "It is my deep, hot, and holy conviction that the body of every woman is a living, breathing altar." Can I get an "Amen!" or at least a "Hallejuia!"
Taking care of ourselves before we launch ourselves into the day is vital for our sanity.
I can already hear the litany of "I don't have time. I'm already so busy I can't fit anything else into my day." And that is exactly why you need to s-l-o-w down, BREATHE and look at tweaking some of your daily rituals so that they are more life affirming and self nurturing.
(1) Conscious Showering:
( Shhh I pinched the idea from Gwyneth Paltrow's conscious uncoupling LOL).
Okay so what do I mean by that? Showering should be a sensuous experience not a hurried dash to get clean then leap out and get dressed. What I am suggesting is consciously connecting with each part of your body as you lather it up and telling it how much you love it and all it does for you. Stroking your body and loving it and acknowledging all that your body does for you lets all the trillions of cells in your body vibrate at the rate of love and acceptance.
(2) Mirror Work:
Louise Hay often talks about doing mirror work to help heal your body and what better time to do it than when you are washing your face and applying your make up? That's two birds with one stone right there.
Look yourself in the eye and say, out loud " I love you. You are beautiful, smart and fun to be around. I love you and I am grateful for you."
Yes it feels weird at first. Yes it gets easier and yes it is worth it.
(3) Post affirmations everywhere:
Write them in lipstick on your mirror. Put post it notes with affirmations on the outside of your glass shower so you can read them while showering. Put them on the dashboard of your car. Set up a reminder on your phone with your favorite affirmation. Change your password to an affirmation that you are working with - see if you notice any difference after a week, a month or two.
Affirmations are powerful statements that are written in the present tense to help us change the negative self talk that often goes on in our minds. Sometimes we struggle to use the present tense as our minds remind us that this is not a reality yet. This is when the phrase "I am in the process of..." comes in very handy. This lets the mind relax and still helps you to work on changing the old pattern.(4) Eat breakfast:
Or drink it ( smoothie anyone?) Just make sure that you start your day with some healthy food in your tummy.
This is one of those things that we often skip because we are in too much of a rush to get out the door. And it is also one of the most important things that we can do for ourselves. Smoothies are a godsend if you are short of time as they are so quick to whip up and can be absolutely packed with goodies. Adding superfoods like chia seed, kale, cinnamon and turmeric gives you a hit of antioxidants and anti inflammatories while tasting good at the same time.
(5) Morning Pages:
This one is not for those who are racing to get the kids to school on time or to hit the office by 9 am -unless you are super organised and get up really early, in which case I salute you!
Morning pages is a practice that I have recently added to my life and I love it! Julia Cameron's book "The Artist's Way" uses the practice of writing three pages each day to help uncover your creative self but it is much more than that. Writing three pages each day is like clearing out your mind chatter and dumping it all on paper. Some days you wonder where all that stuff came from and other days you can't thin what to write at all but the simple act of sitting down to write three pages or simply writing "I don't know what to write", until something floats to the surface, is cathartic and a great tool for self love.
What are you morning rituals? How do you start your day?
Come over to my facebook page and join in the conversation.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Unplugging to reconnect
I try ( note I said "try" ) and have one day a week that I completely unplug - no phone, no television, no computer. At heart I am a complete recluse, introvert - while still loving to connect and keep up to date with technology.
Yes, I am nothing if not a contradiction in terms.
I have been reading Jennifer Louden's book "The Woman's Retreat Book - A Guide to Restoring, Rediscovering,and Reawakening Your True Self - in a moment, an hour, a day or a weekend" and I am quietly planning my escape.
Not that I have anything to escape from. My life is fairly idyllic already: I live on three acres, with numerous fruit trees, patches of native bush, a small pond, free range chickens and various other wildlife. I work from home, writing blogs and working on books and various other projects at my own speed. I have a husband that adores me as I adore him ( minus the odd disagreement - we are, after all, human).
In fact, my place is the kind of place that Jennifer talks about woman retreating to so why am I plotting my escape?
Being a mother, a wife, a partner, a friend means that we naturally, give of ourselves to those that ask something of us. That we tune into the needs of others without stopping to think "what is it that I want? What feeds me?"
So I am planning my escape - and by that I mean I am staying right where I am but incorporating retreat activities into my day - a mini retreat if you will. I am planning on being more mindful for one whole day, from the minute I wake up until the minute I go to bed. I will unplug completely for one whole day.
I will not distract myself with smartphones, facebook updates, emails or any of the other daily distractions we use to stop ourselves from being present to ourselves.
You might be asking yourself "So what are you going to do?"
And that is the thing isn't it? We get so busy do -ing that be-ing seems wrong somehow, like we are wasting our time. Do you remember when you were a kid watching the clouds drift across the sky? Or looking out the window for hours just dreaming? We need to find ( and give ourselves permission) to just be.
No agenda, no rush to get the next thing done, just sitting enjoying the quiet and listening to your own thoughts.
What will I actually be doing on my mini retreat? I will set my intention for what I want to focus on. Then I will create an opening ceremony using whatever aspects I choose: maybe start with few sun salutations, followed by some smudging and morning pages (Thanks to Julia Cameron and The Artist's Way for this one). Then it will be time for breakfast and maybe a sit in the sun (if it is shining) and from there we will let the day unfold as it will.
And then I will hold a Goddess Gathering at my home to help women take the time for their own retreat.
Sign up for my newsletter to find out some tips for having your own mini retreat.
Yes, I am nothing if not a contradiction in terms.
I have been reading Jennifer Louden's book "The Woman's Retreat Book - A Guide to Restoring, Rediscovering,and Reawakening Your True Self - in a moment, an hour, a day or a weekend" and I am quietly planning my escape.
Not that I have anything to escape from. My life is fairly idyllic already: I live on three acres, with numerous fruit trees, patches of native bush, a small pond, free range chickens and various other wildlife. I work from home, writing blogs and working on books and various other projects at my own speed. I have a husband that adores me as I adore him ( minus the odd disagreement - we are, after all, human).
In fact, my place is the kind of place that Jennifer talks about woman retreating to so why am I plotting my escape?
Being a mother, a wife, a partner, a friend means that we naturally, give of ourselves to those that ask something of us. That we tune into the needs of others without stopping to think "what is it that I want? What feeds me?"
So I am planning my escape - and by that I mean I am staying right where I am but incorporating retreat activities into my day - a mini retreat if you will. I am planning on being more mindful for one whole day, from the minute I wake up until the minute I go to bed. I will unplug completely for one whole day.
I will not distract myself with smartphones, facebook updates, emails or any of the other daily distractions we use to stop ourselves from being present to ourselves.
You might be asking yourself "So what are you going to do?"
And that is the thing isn't it? We get so busy do -ing that be-ing seems wrong somehow, like we are wasting our time. Do you remember when you were a kid watching the clouds drift across the sky? Or looking out the window for hours just dreaming? We need to find ( and give ourselves permission) to just be.
No agenda, no rush to get the next thing done, just sitting enjoying the quiet and listening to your own thoughts.
What will I actually be doing on my mini retreat? I will set my intention for what I want to focus on. Then I will create an opening ceremony using whatever aspects I choose: maybe start with few sun salutations, followed by some smudging and morning pages (Thanks to Julia Cameron and The Artist's Way for this one). Then it will be time for breakfast and maybe a sit in the sun (if it is shining) and from there we will let the day unfold as it will.
And then I will hold a Goddess Gathering at my home to help women take the time for their own retreat.
Sign up for my newsletter to find out some tips for having your own mini retreat.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
Energy Revamps
Since I practice what I preach I woke up this morning and set about shifting that "Yuck -ness" out of the house, out of the bed, out as far as I could shift it.
\
Actually, to be honest, I started last night. I grabbed my journal and wrote it all out. Not the who said what but all the feelings and issues that had been raised. Three pages later and I felt much better and calmer. Then I decided to run a bath, a great purifying ritual if ever there was one. In went the Epsom salt and the essential oils and then in went me for a good twenty minute soak.
Then I took myself off to do some self reiki and a good nights sleep = BLISS.
Once I got up I decided the house needed a good cleanse so out came my white sage bundle and I smudged everything, including myself. The house now smells divine and the energy feels much clearer.
Out came the Inner Domestic Goddess and everything got a good once over- vacuumed, dusted, wiped and spritzed. Then it was time to strip the bed and get that refreshed as well. Sheets and blankets are now out on the line getting some fresh air drying so my bed will smell DIVINE tonight.
And through all of that I have been listening to my favorite music - LOUD!
Shifting the vibration of your house is vital to keeping your energy high. I like to move my furniture around from time to time too. This helps the energy from stagnating. So does opening all the windows and letting in lots of fresh air - not always easy in the middle of winter but worth it on the days that you can.
It isn't until you have cleansed and shifted the energy in your home that you realize just how "icky" it was before.
How do you shift the energy in your home? What techniques have you used and what differences have you noticed?
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Loving yourself whole
All of our selves.
The flawed, quirky parts of us.
The wounded parts of us.
The parts of us that were wounded when we were little. ( Yes, I mean our Inner Child)
The parts of us that didn't quite fit in when were teenagers. (More Inner Teenager than Inner child)
The parts of us that were damaged from the relationship break ups.
The parts of us that don't have a f@+%ing clue what we are doing with our lives even though we are now (fill in the blank) age and should have our shit together.
The parts of us that are changeable and fluid and bend which ever way the wind is blowing, or when some new inspiration hits. "I'm going to become a writer.... no, I'm going to move to the South Island, no, I'm going to dye my hair green, no wait....I'm going to"
The parts of us that are so deep and dark and scary that we hide them... even from ourselves.
The parts of us that just want to crawl under the covers and come out when the world is nicer.
We need to love ourselves back to wholeness, back to happy, back to abundance, back to our natural loving, open armed, open hearted selves.
The eternal question is how?
How do we love all of that messy, dark , wounded parts of us?
By admitting that it is there.
By taking ownership of it.
"Yes, I am flawed. Yes, I do get angry and fly off the handle far too easily. Yes, I have been hurt. Yes. Yes.Yes. This is me in all my flawed beauty"
By accepting that this is who you are - without judging or feeling sorry for yourself .
Because if we can accept and love our friends when they are being jerks then surely we can love ourselves too.
If we can love our partner/husband/wife/lover when they just made a dick of themselves, not to mention all their irritating little habits then surely we can love ourselves too.
If we can love our children when they poop on us or vomit on us or (when they are older) when they make silly mistakes then surely we can love ourselves too.
We all make mistakes, we all screw up the trick is to love ourselves through all of it. We do it for everyone else maybe it's time we did it for ourselves too.
Want more of this? Check out my book "The Goddess Guide to Sex, Love and Life"
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