How to make your bedroom into a sensuous sanctuary

Imagine looking at your bedroom as if you have never seen it before ( or go check it out now, I'll wait). Does it look or feel sexy to you? Or have you turned your bedroom into just another ordinary room in the house?

Waaayy back when I did feng shui for clients I was often amazed at the myriad of things that were in bedrooms that had no right to be in there.

One client in particular was a single male who was longing for some more intimacy and / or a relationship in his life His whole house was anything but a cosy haven to relax in. He had exercise equipment in most rooms, bikes leaning against the wall in the lounge, printers and computers in his bedroom and even a filing cabinet! But the absolute clincher was the picture of the lone wolf above his bed.

Not sexy.

Not sensuous.

So back to your bedroom, what do you have in there that shouldn't be?

Here's a list of things to look out for

(1) pictures of your kids or parents or family in general. This is often a shocker for people but think about it for a minute, this is your most intimate and private space do you really want to invite in those people into that space? There are plenty of other rooms in your house for those pictures to go so ship them out.

(2) anything work related. Again this is your haven of rest, relaxation and intimacy so out it goes.

(3) a television. My husband is always wanting to put one in our room and I keep telling him   we would never leave the room if that thing was in there too! Far too many people fall asleep with their television going in the bedroom. Why? Because they lie down and the body knows this room and space is for sleeping so it does just that. Not sexy.

So what should be in there?

We have this in our bedroom.

(1) Pictures of you as a couple. Or any other images that speak of romance and sensuality.

(2) Scented candles. We are very sensory creatures and smell is one of the most important when it comes to all things to do with intimacy. Find a smell that you love and it will become your signature scent for sparking all things sexy. It goes without saying that you both have to like it.

Another thing to do is burn your own special blend of essential oils. Check out Aromantics by Valerie Ann Worwood for some ideas.

(3) Soft lighting. 

Now I'm all for leaving the lights on but . let's face it, nobody feels romantic with harsh lighting.

Candles are great ( see 2 above) or you can try a Himalayan salt lamp which is what we have in our room.
They give off a beautiful warm light and purify the air at the same time so that's got to be good right?

(4) Needless to say your bed and bedding should be the absolute best you can afford.

We upgraded to a super kingsize bed earlier this year - best decision ever!

I absolutely adore Egyptian cotton sheets as they feel so silky smooth to slip between so we are gradually upgrading all our sheets to these. It has just turned into Spring in NZ so off with the Egyptian cotton flannelette  sheets and on with the plain cotton ones -delicious.

It also means all the bedding has been hung out in the sun for a good airing and the pillows have been through the dryer to make them nice and fluffy. This gives us the added bonus of that delicious fresh air smell on all our bedding - love it.

(5) Coconut oil* or other massage oils/lube. I am a great fan of coconut oil and we use it all the time for many, many things not least of which is part of our intimate life.

Sensuality is about engaging all of your senses and there is nothing nicer than stroking your partner all over with some slippery oils. Yum.

(6) A sound system so you can listen to your favorite seduction music .

(7) Nice thick curtains to shut out the world.

We don't have this at our place as we are lucky enough to live on our own little patch of paradise with no near neighbors. Most nights we sleep with the ranch-slider open to feel the fresh air and watch the stars. Heavenly.

So just to recap we have cleared out all the non essentials and added in something for all our senses; sight (pics), sound ( stereo), smell ( candles, essential oils, massage oils), touch ( massage oils, soft, sexy bedding) and taste ( hmm tricky but coconut oils got you covered in more ways than one).

What is the first step you will take to create a more sensual bedroom? Leave me a comment below.

Follow me on Facebook  for info on my upcoming "How to be a Sex Goddess" workshop

* Coconut oil will perish latex so use another form of lube if using condoms.

How to fall madly, deeply, passionately in love with your self every day

Last week I wrote about falling in love with your partner as it has been a bit of a love fest at my house for a while now. And falling in love with your partner is great.

Much of the time we protest that relationships are hard work.

That we have to take the time and consciously put effort into keeping love, passion and sex alive in our relationship.

The truth is  relationships with others are easy.

Sure we have days where the sound of our partner's voice is like nails on a blackboard ( for those of you young folk its not a great sound. Google it. I'm sure somewhere there is a Youtube video of someone demonstrating it - pause while I check Yup! Here you go )

But most of the time it only takes a few minutes for us to remember that time he brought us flowers...... he had picked himself.... for you ( yes my honey did that for me recently!) or that text he sent that says"Yr my drm boat" ( another gem from my honey!) and we go all mooshy and squishy inside and sigh and feel waves of love swirl around us like moonbeams on a dark night.

EASY.

EFFORTLESS.

There we are back in love with our dreamboat.

No, what is hard is falling in love with yourself, over and over again.

Forgiving yourself for the stupid things you have said or done.

Loving yourself  in spite of the fact that you are 20 pounds overweight and haven't exercised for months.

Loving yourself even when your hair just won't sit right dammit!

Loving yourself  when you opened your mouth and something stupid, hurtful and even as you say it you wish you could take it back but you can't.

Loving yourself even when it feels like nothing is going right in your life right now , in fact it's just one giant suckfest and then the car breaks down or the vacuum cleaner packs up when you haven't vacuumed for weeks and you have people coming over in, like, five minutes. ( that happens to you too right?). Or you have just lost your job and have no idea how you are going to get another one.

Loving yourself is something that we all pay lip service too.

Then we fall into the trap of beating ourselves up....... because we ate cake.

Or we put ourselves down  for not exercising this week ( month, year!)

Or we lie in bed going over all the stupid things we have done for the past week ( month, year, decade!)

Or we obsess over the kilo ( or two, three, five) we have gained. And then we go on ( yet another) diet and then beat ourselves up for failing at that too.

And so starts the never ending loop of just not being, quite good enough.

We measure ourselves against the latest "it"celebrity/model/pop singer. We look at their skinny bodies in all the magazines and wonder why we can't look like that 24/7. Forgetting that they have (a) a stylist (b) a personal trainer (c) a nanny to look after the kids and (d) a chef to cook for them or at least a nutritionist to help them.

So how do we just STOP the endless diatribe against ourselves and START  truly, madly, deeply loving ourselves?

I Love YOU!

Just like in last weeks article.

We start by looking ourselves in the eye as we wash our face, apply our makeup and any other chance we get and say, out loud "I Love you. You are awesome and beautiful and talented and I just wanted you to know how much I love you."

Yup all of that, while making eye contact.
By telling your self how much you love you , you start to reconnect to your own innate wisdom and self belief and you stop looking for outside validation.

I value my.....

Start each day by writing down a minimum of three things that you value about yourself. I do this at the same time as I do my gratitude journal.

This practice helps reaffirm that who you are has inherent value and worth, because you do.

We tend to think that who we are is represented by our bodies but as all the great teachers tell us "You are not your body. You have a body but you are not your body" take a moment to think about that.

Gratitude

Give thanks for all the things that you have present in your life and all the fun stuff that you get to do. Far too many of us move through our day taking it for granted but life is precious and taking a moment to give thanks for your body; your sense of smell, the things you can taste or hear or touch, the fact that you have two functional legs and can run and jump and walk wherever you want to go, these things are a blessing.

Just ask someone who can no longer do those things.

Get up, dress up, show up

 I work from home and it would be super easy to never get out of my pj's but guess what? Yup every day I get up, dress up and show up just like I am off to work... because I am.

I wear matching underwear ( if you're a guy you probably don't realize how great this makes us girls feel) and I dress as if I am off to work including  jewelery and accessories. I don't necessarily wear make up because that is a some days yes, some days no thing for me but I always make an effort with how I look REGARDLESS of whether I am leaving the house or not.

Why?

Because it makes me feel great.

I don't have outfits that I wear om "special "occasions because being alive is a special occasion.

So get up, dress up and show up for your life


 I am launching my

 LOVE YOUR BODY REVOLUTION program soon.

 Sign up for my newsletter for all the details of when it's coming.


 In the meantime here's a wee taster of what is coming.

  .Love your body audio Free Gift






Leave me a comment with one thing you are grateful for about your body. I'd love to hear from you or come join me on my Facebook page

How to fall in love with your partner madly, passionately, deeply

Graphic by Karen Salmansohn

I am in the midst of a total love-fest with my honey at present and it has been like this for a few weeks now. It's hard to put my finger on when it actually started but now we are completely heart deep in amongst it so we are not complaining.

There are, however, certain things that we do on a regular basis to nurture and deepen our love for each other.

These are so ingrained in us that if one or the other accidentally forgets the whole day feels off somehow. To me these are the very fundamentals for any good relationship, whether it is with your significant other, your children ( when they are young and when they have left to start families of their own) or your friends.

"I love you"

Yup, just say it .

Every day.

 All day.

Anytime you feel it let it flow right out of your mouth and into the ears of those that need to hear it.

My husband never leaves the house without knowing that I love him and he does the same for me. You never know when it might be the last time you get to say it. Shit happens. so make sure those that you love KNOW that you love them.

Now some of you may be thinking : "They know I love them , I don't have to say it"

Yes, yes, you do!!

I grew up in a home where those words were never said and vowed that my own kids would not have the same experience. It is important so like the Nike ad says "Just do it"


Hug it out!

Once you have said "I love you" round it out with a great big hug

Humans crave touch, it is built right into our DNA. Many studies have been done on the importance of touch.
In fact in one case it literally brought a baby back to life
watch it here

When I first joined my husband's family hugging was not the norm. By this stage I had made it a habit to hug family and friends whenever they arrived or left so I included his parents into the mix.

At first they were a bit uncomfortable but they soon got used to it and even began to look forward to it.

Now they are both 85 and they look forward to their hugs and regularly tell me how much they love me too, much to my husband's  surprise.

Express Gratitude

Every day tell your darling how grateful that you are for something that they have done for you.  a bonus benefit of this is they will start to do more - without you even having to ask!!! True story!

My darling regularly empties the rubbish bin and takes it outside ( now I just need him to replace the liner in the bin - we are getting closer, he does it 8 out of ten times now).

He also loads and unloads the dishwasher, makes me cups of tea and picks in the laundry if it looks like rain - no nagging required.

Why?

Because I have made it a habit to tell him how thankful I am for all the little things he does for me. He knows how much I appreciate and value how he shows up in my life and he does the same for me. Every night he tells me what a great meal I have made for him.

Every. Night.

Regardless  if it is macaroni cheese or roast lamb with all the trimmings. Doesn't matter. as far as he is concerned I am the best cook in the world.

Listen

One of the things that I absolutely adore about my husband is the way in which he gives me his complete attention whenever I am talking.

He makes eye contact and really listens.


Now he may be just going " Blah, blah, blah " in his head but I'm pretty sure he isn't. He is interested in what I have to say.

I have to admit I have not always been great at doing the same for him but I am making much more of an effort now that I see how much of his attention he gives me when I talk ( attention whore that I am)

Start practicing these four things and watch how your relationship transforms.

Then come and tell me about it on my Facebook page

Sex and Money Part Two

As I settled down in front of my computer to write my second installment of Sex and Money I decided to check in to Facebook ( as you do, or is that just me?) I found two great posts on this very topic ( See I knew there was a good reason I stop by there first)


The first was by one of my favorite people, Danielle LaPorte, if you haven't discovered her yet make sure to take the time to click on the link and check her out. Danielle is interviewing one of her friends, Kate Northrup, who has just written a book called  Money: A Love story. The ladies are both open and frank about money and its impact on our psyche and wellbeing.

One of the big issues that comes up in this talk is SHAME, which I mentioned briefly in Part One. Brene Brown gave a great TED talk on shame so check it out. The big take away from the talk is that Shame = "I am not good enough" .

Which brings us back to sex and money.

Why?

Because often when it comes to sex we feel like we just don't measure up; we are not sexy enough, not orgasmic enough, our orgasms aren't intense enough, we aren't making him horny enough, our vaginas aren't prety enough and on and on the list goes.

With money the list of why we aren't good enough is also long; we aren't smart enough, we aren't making enough, we aren't clever enough, we aren't good with money and on and on.

The second article I came across was by Kate Northrup in which she talks about how sex and money are linked and how to make both more mind blowing.

Which brings me back to some tips on opening up  more:

(1) Breathing.

Breathing is to do with the heart chakra which aids in feeling more love and more expansive in general. It also helps us to feel more energized and open and when it comes to sex the more open youare feeling the better sex you will have.

What tends to happen as we are becoming more and more excited is that we tend to breathe shallowly or tighten up and hold our breath.

Instead of doing that try taking longer, deeper breaths and slowing everything down while focusing on the moment by moment interplay. I promise you it will make everything more intense ( though it does take practise!)

(2) Be vulnerable

You have to be in a relationship with someone that you truly trust in order to feel safe being vulnerable and the benefit of that is it deepens the trust for both of you. In fact vulnerability and trust go hand in hand.

If you want to take your sex life to greater heights then it is imperative that you are completely honest with your partner. Holding secrets back creates an energy of distrust and  closes off closeness

(3) Gratitude

Appreciating what you already have allows you to see the value of everything in your life.

Practice saying "thank you" when someone offers you a compliment and allow the compliment to be fully felt by you. No rushing to offer one in return, no brushing it aside, just a simple "thank you".

(4) What if

Most of us can ""what if" ourselves into a state of anxiety ridden self doubt in a heartbeat but in order to stay open to any and all possibilities try "what if -ing" yourself in a positive direction. What if everything goes right? What if he thinks you are the sexiest person in the world? What if money was flowing to you right now? What if........?

The truth is that we tend to seize up when we get close to our joy. We tighten up in case things don't go right, we pull back at the last minute just in case we get hurt and this leaves us short changed in love, sex and money.

So maybe it's time to try an new approach.

Maybe it's time we tried breathing into our biggest fears and doubts and start embracing all the luscious , juicy sex and money that is flowing our way..... right now!

Just  breathe, open up and LET GO!