I don't understand the world

There are lots of things that I just don't understand about the world

( 1) Beiber Fever - ok I know I'm not the target demographic for this one .

(2) Adult Onesies - seriously?  What the ....?????

(3) Any adult wearing a size 0 - hell my babies were barely in a size zero fro any length of time ( they were very long babies - I would say tall but babies lie around most of the time and tall just doesn't sound right)

(4) How come there is always enough money for war and never enough for health care..... or education?

(5) How come First world countries have kids that go hungry, homeless people and people who work several jobs but still not be above the poverty line?

(6) Oh my Lord I could go on and on but it all seems so depressing when I know, KNOW that there is also so much good in the world - so much.

But this week I'm struggling.

I wrote about Steubenville , several times. And the rapes in India. I must admit I lost heart and couldn't continue writing about rape and rape culture. I didn't write about the most recent case in America where the victim and her family were forced to leave town and then their house was burnt down while the perpetrators ( yes, there was more than one... again) got off scot free.

This time though it has happened here... in New Zealand and in the area I grew up, West Auckland.

The UK has its chav's, the Aussies have their bogans and the US has it's "white trash". NZ has "Westies"

You can spot a 'westie'  ; the blokes have skin tight black( always black) jeans, a heavy metal tee shirt, tattoos and long hair and the girls are not much different. I grew up a westie although I didn't wear the uniform. when I left home at 18 my boyfriend was westie through and through. He rod up on his Norton motorbike with the leather jacket, tats and chains and we rode off into the sunset.

Many ( many) times we hung out with gangs and I was threatened with being put "on the block" ( gang raped) if I didn't stop being so mouthy. Luckily for me (a) I shut up and (b) we moved off to become random hippies in the far north before things got too ugly.

And now we have a gang of young men in West Auckland who have formed a club called "Roast Busters"
The sole aim of which is to find young girls between the ages of 13-15, get them incoherently drunk, rape them repeatedly and then boast about it on their Facebook page.

The police have known about the group for TWO YEARS but no arrests have been made due to insufficient evidence. Once the  news broke of this during the week several things happened (a) Facebook shut down the page (b) several girls came forward and said they had made complaints to police even though the police had previously said none had made complaints (c)  a ministerial inquiry is taking place and (d) the police are finally digging deeper into the cases.

IT seems that the boys had lots of friends that knew what was happening and they have been interviewed on television but "didn't think it was their place to interfere". In one case a thirteen year old girl was "roasted"  
 ( you and I would call it raped but I guess if we use our own pet name for it, it doesn't sound so bad? right?)  at a party and the friends of the boys said"well she shouldn't have been at the party" but didn't feel compelled to look out for a young girl clearly in the wrong place.

That seems to be a common theme.

In the Steubenville case the girl got incoherently drunk but none of her "friends"(and I use air quotes to make a point because true friends look out for one another)  looked  after her instead saying that she was behaving "too slutty" - you know, falling over and not knowing what she was doing, like drunk people do. So they left her to fend for herself.

Now the big question I want to ask is not (a) what were the girls doing out that late or (b) why did they drink so much or (c) why they were wearing inappropriate clothes. No the question I want to ask is what hell happened to compassion? Whatever happened to looking out for our fellow man or woman in these cases?

How are we raising boys to feel that they have the right to rape and feel ok with themselves? How can we KNOW that there are some of our friends doing these things and not feel some duty to take steps to stop them?

What the hell is wrong with humanity?

And taking a deep cleansing breath...... and another nice, deep cleansing breath and remembering that I have raised three gorgeous sons who have all of those good qualities and one is now raising his own family and passing them on to them. And remembering that there is so much good in the world and there are so many beautiful souls who are caring and loving and doing all the right things and that what is portrayed by these sad, sad young men is not the majority, it is far from the majority of humanity.

And one more nice deep cleansing breath and forgiving my younger self for putting her self in danger and realizing that while, yes, it could have been me, it wasn't and I am safe and free from danger and I have done well by my children and kept them safe and raised them to be beautiful, soft yet strong and kind. And even though I had no-one in my corner I was strong enough to look out for me and made better choices as I grew and learned more about the world.

Filling the world with love and light is the only way, the only way to combat the darkness. Adding more hate, denouncing those that perpetrate such acts as animals and calling for vigilante justice as is happening in some places does not dispel the darkness they have brought to the world - it just makes it darker. Instead I send them love, which they obviously desperately need, compassion and forgiveness.

 I hope with this being brought to light that these boys get the help that they need and that the girls can now move on with their lives and let the healing begin.

I hope that we take a long hard look at how we are raising our kids, all of our kids and realize that boundaries and limits and consequences are a necessary part of growing up .

Steubenville and India ; not as different as you'd think.

Steubenville has been in the news a lot lately, for all the wrong reasons. It seems like rape has become the latest sport for high school jocks. The worst part is - actually, I can't even begin to finish that sentence as there are so many worst parts.
Lets count them off shall we?

(1) A young girl goes to a party with HER FRIENDS and gets drunk; full down, vomiting,paralytic drunk. Nobody looks out for her. Nobody.

(2) A group of boys decide that this means she is fair game. Nobody stops them. Nobody.

(3) These boys proceed to perform various indecent acts on her not least of which is trying to get her to perform oral sex on them. She is incapable as she is far, far too drunk.

(4) Cellphones are used by numerous people to take photos and videos and upload them to Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites. Everyone seems to think this is a good idea. Nobody stops to think  "What if that was me? " Nobody.

(5) The girls is carried by two boys from one party to another as she is too drunk to walk. Nobody stops them but again photos are taken.

(6) The boys refer to themselves as "The Rape Crew" so they have some idea of what they are doing.

(7) The next day the girl wakes up naked in the basement with two boys with no idea of anything that has taken place. she slowly gains some idea thanks to Facebook and Twitter.

(8)Actually, too many worst parts to list them all and I'm starting to feel ill at the thought of them. Read a great article about it here.

Now there is another case of two football "heroes' raping a thirteen year old girl in Connecticut read about it here and again the victim is being blamed for ruining the boys careers. Um, didn't they do that themselves when they RAPED a young girl? Or am I missing something here?

So let's look at India shall we? It's a third world country nowhere near the lofty heights of first world America and yet they both have the same kind of rape culture; men, sometimes gangs of men, rape women and then blame the victim.  If you have the stomach for it you can read about it here. Last year Jyoti Singh Pandi was brtually raped, so badly in fact, that she died from her injuries. More recently a Swiss tourist was raped by 5 men in India.

The only difference between India and America is the age of the rapists. In America they were between 16 and 18. In India they were men.

In both countries the victims are blamed; for being drunk (?), for dressing provocatively, for being in the wrong place at the wrong time, for destroying promising careers by being raped.

In both countries the men took no responsibility for their actions. NONE.

So how do we change the culture that says it is ok to rape women?

Here's some thoughts:

(1) Let's stop portraying women as objects. We are not a collection of body parts to be ogled at and drooled over. Lets stop allowing advertisers to  dehumanize us in their attempts to sell everything form cars to airfreshener.

(2) Lets start educating males that their sex drive is totally within their control and that having a hard on does not automatically give you license to use it against some woman that is in your vicinity.

(3) Lets make it part of sex education that rape is not ok and all the things that count as rape. Lets make it crystal clear that unless you get a very clear and resounding yes that you do not under any circumstances proceed further.

(4) Lets stop blaming the victim; in court, in the media and in society. She didn't "ask for it"; by wearing sexy clothes,by being out late at night, by being alive. No, the rapist made a CONSCIOUS choice to rape soemone who was not willing. Lets start making that crystal clear, HE made a choice, she did not.

(5)Lets stop all the "boys will be boys" nonsense. I know I raised my boys to be better than that and I'm sure you did too. Didn't you?

(6) Lets stop anointing our sports men as Gods who can do no wrong and teach them about respect, integrity, sportsmanship and looking out for one another, not in a boys got each others back way ( because so far, that ain't working) but human being to human being.

(7) Lets make the true heroes those that step up and say "This is not ok and you need to stop" not make it so that by doing so you are a snitch.

Now go hug your daughters and let them know that they can always call you day or night, and even if they have done soemthing stupid , like getting shitfaced drunk, you will not yell at them and you will still love them.

And go hug your sons and tell them that standing up for people is not only the right thing to do but the heroic thing and its not always easy. Let them know that respect is for everyone not just for their mates and that girls are not objects and should never be treated as such.

Talk to your sons and daughters about sex and let them know that sexual urges come and go and do not always need to be acted on. Awkward as it is to talk about sex let them know that you can and will talk to them and you will listen too, without judgment. These are your precious children and it is your job to keep them safe, sometimes, even from themselves.

The folly of glorifying sportsmen

Let me start off by saying I am not remotely athletic. Never have been. I have always found sports to be too competitive and nothing has happened to dissuade me from this idea.

In fact in recent news quite the opposite has happened. You see we tend to glorify sports people but especially men, as if , merely because they can kick a ball further than other or run really fast or hit a small ball into a hole far, far away, or because they can catch really well. Now I understand that these are great accomplishments but not as great as climbing Everest or, inventing the computer or discovering a cure for a disease or raising a child to be a decent respectful human being. These are note worthy accomplishments but they all seem to be insignificant to the great and glorious SPORT.

But lets just pause and take a look at some of the dark side of  sport shall we?
 
Herein New Zealand we revere the All Blacks like they are God's chosen ones and it leads to them also thinking of themselves as demi-gods. The latest one to fall foul of the glory of being an All Black has been Zac Guilford. He has now finally admitted to being an alcoholic but its hardly surprising with the main sponsorship for the team coming from various alcohol companies. Quite often when the boys are on tour claims of girls being raped, disorderly behaviour or drunken brawling are the norm and are played down by all concerned. As for the girls who claim they have been raped it always seems to be blamed on her for going back to the boys rooms.

All of this pales into insignificance in light of the Steubenville High School event that happened last year. Again we see the culture of sports heroes, only this time they are only of high school age. They are given free license to behave as badly as they choose and it is all passed off as boys letting off steam and "boys being boys". It is also seen as part of the normal behviour of a jock.

Now I always thought the idea of sports was for the sport itself to be an outlet for excess testosterone, that the players would exhaust themselves running around after the ball or hitting the ball with a stick or throwing it through a hoop or whatever sport it is that they are playing. The reality is that it just seems to hype them up even more so that they need an after party of alcohol and general debauchery to wind down after the game and if this means that somebody gets punched or things get smashed or girls get raped , well then that is just par for the course. In fact it is not just limited to the players of the game.  Those at home or in the stands also get wound up about the game and fights regularly break out in the stands or on the trains on the way home. In fact soccer hooligans have become a staple of  every soccer match in England.
Men regularly go home drunk, after the game and punch their wives or beat each other up on the way home or rape some unsuspecting women.
Oscar Pistorious has just been accused of shooting his girlfriend in a roid rage ( yes we even have a term for it!) and he is an Olympic athlete ie the creme de la creme of all sportsmen.
These are the people that we are telling our kids to emulate, to look up to. We encourage our kids to take up sports to let off stream, to direct their emotions into a physical activity so that they don't vent them in unhealthy ways but the reality seems to be the exact opposite for some of our elite athletes. They drink too much, they take drugs ( Lance Armstrong springs to mind), they want to win at any cost and because we give them such huge respect for what they do they think they have license to do as they please and their managers and the clubs they belong to will protect them, and they do. Sure they might get a fine or stood down from playing a certain game for a short period but ultimately their large pay checks and their do as you please lifestyle continues.
Sport was supposed to be fun. It is JUST a game. It has become big business with millions of dollars at stake and up for prizes. Womens sport is never taken as seriously and violence against women by sportsmen seems part of the deal .
I am glad that in the case of the Steubenville High School the courts finally brought the boys to account for what they had done but unfortunately some newstation are still decrying the end of their brilliant sports careers without once mentioning the end of a young girls innocence and the devastating impact this rape and objectification will have on her life. Watch here
What do you think? Do we glorify sportsmen too much?