What love looks like

I just spent the weekend celebrating my father in law's eighty eighth birthday which involved all his kids, their husband's or wives, various grandchildren and their partners and a few of his great grandchildren thrown in for good measure. It also meant four birthday cakes and who can resist that?

I am lucky enough to have a father in law who I absolutely adore and even luckier to know that the feelings are mutual. I was also blessed with a loving mother in law but sadly she passed away a couple of years ago which makes our family gatherings extra poignant these days.

My f in l ( as he calls himself, which always makes me giggle as it sounds almost like I'm swearing at him) was and still is completely devoted to his wife and talks of her often and how they first met and some of the mischief they got up to back in the day.

We all tend to think of our in laws and elders as being stuffy sexless creatures and we forget that they were young and passionate once too. I love that he is willing to share some of that passion with me  let me know that passion doesn't fade. Sure the body might not be quite as willing but the fire doesn't die out completely... or ever.
Things that my F in L has taught me:


(1) Family matters  and love matters most of all

I have been welcomed into this family from the first day.  I probably wouldn't have been the first ( or even second ) choice for their son  as I was ten years younger and had three kids already, one of whom was only a babe in arms. I'm not sure what they thought of me then and they never showed me anything other than love.. and my boys too. That in itself is priceless.

(2) Judgment is best left at the door

I am not the world's greatest housekeepers. Ok, let's be real, I suck at housekeeping. Thankfully my mother in law ( or M in L) never, ever judged the appearance of my house when they came for visits. In fact , one time I apologized for the state of the house and she replied " we came to see you not the house." and for that I will always love her!

(3) Even when you disagree love trumps all

Early on my husband and his mother had an argument and she hung up on him... but they soon made up because that's what family does. They could never get their head around the fact that my parents and I are still not talking after 7 years - that just seemed like a waste to them ( and yes, I have reached out to them and yes, it is a long involved story and no, it won't be healed any time soon)

(4) Acceptance is everything

I write about sex. I podcast about sex (if you haven't listened in yet , go check it out). I call myself a Sex Goddess. All of which my in laws never bat an eye - ever. In fact, they both used to check in with me as to how my business was/is going.

The bottom line in all of this is that love trumps everything. That's it. So let's spread more love out there in the world

The world will be saved by western woman

 So said the Dalai Lama in 2009.

 And yet here we are in 2016 with stories of Taylor Swift and Kim Kardashian getting into a twitter spat over whether Taylor did or did not know that Kanye West would be calling her a bitch in his song "Famous" ( which, fyi, I have not listened to and do not intend to).

Or we have this delightful woman taking a naked photo of another unsuspecting gym user and posting it on her snapchat

What I would like to know is when all this "sisterhood", women nurturing and supporting other women is going to kick in?

 I have hope, I truly do.

I see awesome support in various women only Facebook groups I belong to ( Shout out to Natasha Corbin's Heart Centred Soul Driven group and Melissa Sandon's Soul Leaders group to name just two!).

I talk with awesome women on my podcast who are doing great work in the world and helping other women to shine in their lives and relationships.

And then I see stories of women mocking someone else because of their size or I read the comments on some posts that people make where the women are often the harshest critics and I despair.

For some reason women feel like they have to put other women down in order to build themselves up. I get it. I used to be like that when I was in my twenties and then I had kids and I realised that actually youth fades, quickly and there is a lot more that goes into making a woman beautiful and very little of it has to do with her looks.

But we are still so quick to judge another by their looks; whether it's a politician or a movie star or worse a movie star that has felt so much pressure to look a certain way that she has succumbed to plastic surgery or  judging another actress for not aging well .

Let's all just decide that people are allowed to look the way they want to and instead focus on fixing the world because, I don't know if you've noticed, but the world has really let itself go lately and could do with a serious makeover so let's fix that first okay?

Nurturing your Inner Child

None of us get through our childhood unscathed.

Even if you had the best parents in the world.

Even if all the teachers you had were supportive  of your unique take on the world.

Even if the religion you followed allowed you to fully express all aspects of yourself.

Even if the society you live in was the most inclusive and liberal.

You can see where I'm going with this, right?

You see when we were born we were at our most open, trusting and vulnerable and we had no filters. that means we took everything as gospel, as the pure truth because we had nothing else to judge it by.

If someone told us we were ugly we believed them. If someone told us that we were useless and not worth the time spent talking to us, we took that in too.

The truth is they didn't even have to say a word - we soaked everything up like a sponge; the good, the bad and the downright ugly. All was taken in and laid down in our subconscious mind and shaped how we viewed life from then on.

That voice you have in your head telling you that you are never going to amount to anything, that you will never find love? That comes from way back then.

And we can't blame those who instilled those messages into us. They were just teaching us what they learned when they were young. No parent sets out to damage their child ( generally speaking. Yes, their are some damaged individuals who inflict child abuse but in broad sweeping terms most parents want the best  for their kids).

Buried deep inside of us is a wounded child. A child that needs our love, forgiveness and compassion as if they were standing in front of you right now with tears streaming down their face and looking to you to make it all okay.

How do we go about making it okay? How do we kiss the boo boos away and tend to those past hurts?

Here's  a few simple steps you can take:

(1) Acknowledge the hurts. We can't heal what we don't acknowledge and sometimes the healing lies in the acknowledgement.

(2)  Do a visualization and imagine sitting down with your inner child and asking them what they need for healing. This can be a powerful process for healing on all levels. Imagine taking the younger you onto your lap and giving them a big hug and listening to all they have to tell you.

(3) Write your younger self a letter telling yourself all the messages that you had longed to hear. how valuable you are as a person, how much you are loved and treasured.

(4) Place photos of you when you were younger around your work space so you can remember to connect with that younger aspect of yourself. Let it be a reminder to have fun and play.

(5) Most of all be gentle with yourself and know that whatever your childhood was like you survived and you are here now and that in itself is a precious gift.

What is your favorite way to nurture your inner child?