Flexing your other intimacy muscle

Last week I wrote about  building up the intimacy in your relationship that it takes work and like a muscle it will get flabby if you don't use it.

Which kind of got me thinking about the other intimacy muscle that we are supposed to flex on a regular basis and often forget about all together. Yes, I am referring to the pelvic floor muscle. Now, guys before you click away from the page thinking this isn't relevant for you, take a breath and keep reading because guys need to do their pelvic floor exercises too.

Reasons to do your pelvic floor exercises

From Doreen Virtue

That's right, just as ladies need to practise their pelvic floor exercises to maintain good blood flow to their genitals and keep their vaginal walls snug, men need to do their pelvic floor exercises too. Doing your pelvic floor exercises ( if you are a man) will massage the prostate gland and maintain good blood flow to your genitals which has to be a good thing surely?

Pelvic floor exercises are on of the simplest forms of exercise that we can do. In fact I'm doing mine as I sit and write this so you can't get easier than that. Here's a link for the men, even though he is talking about after care from prostate cancer, far better to start looking after your prostate NOW!

Here;s a link for women, and yes ladies, we need to do them regardless of whether or not we have had babies or are thinking of having babies.



We just have to make ourselves more of a priority. We have to put some thought into caring for ourselves. And if we don't care for ourselves who else is going to?

Self care also means more than just going through the motions of exercising, brushing your teeth, showering. It also means looking after your emotional well being, your physical wellbeing including the parts of you that you take for granted or tend not to pay much attention to.

Good genital health

There are certain minerals that men require to maintain good prostate health and those are selenium and zinc and just like men need them for their prostates we need selenium and iodine for our breast health . In fact we should all be taking a good liquid mineral supplement to help us stay healthy. Men lose minerals every time they ejaculate so definitely need to keep those minerals topped up. Teenage boys can become quite minerally depleted due to masturbation so Mums make sure you are giving your boys a liquid mineral.

And now that I have mentioned the "m"word lets just focus on it for a minute. Nobody wants to talk about it or admit to it but the truth is it is a healthy thing to do. Ladies, listen up, this applies to you too. Our genitals require blood flow to keep them functioning in an optimal fashion and there is no better way to increase the blood flow to your genitals than masturbation  ( well there is sex, of course, but if that is not an option then self sex is good substitute!!).

Masturbation also keeps your libido cranking. You know the old saying "Use it or lose it"? Well that definitely applies when you are talking about your libido. It doesn't take much for it to go into hibernation and can take a while to get kick started again

We all know about avoiding STD's (or whatever the latest abbreviation is for sexually transmitted disease is) ( we do, right??? )  and since I have been off the dating scene for over twenty years I can only talk about what I know, which is a loving committed relationship. So always carry your condoms, always! And use them. They won't prevent anything left in the bottom of your handbag or in your wallet.

Talking about probiotics

Another key ingredient to genital health is good gut flora ( who knew?) Yup, probiotics help maintain the right flora in our genitals and ladies there are even specific brands of probiotics for us. We can also care for our lady parts by eating regular amounts of fermented foods  such as kefir ( waaaaayyyy more bacteria than just yoghurt), fermented vegetables and drinking kombucha.

Happy gut = happy you.

And while we are discussing bacteria, using coconut oil as a lubricant is great for maintaining good health. Coconut oil is antibacterial, anti fungal and anti microbial and will help with thrush. It's also good to eat!

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Flex your Intimacy Muscle

It can happen to anyone. One minute your relationship is coasting along just nicely; you feel connected on all levels, you feel like your partner is the best in the whole world, the sex is awesome and life couldn't be better. Next thing you know the wheels have completely fallen off; you are constantly arguing, nothing your partner does is right, you don't know why you got married in the first place and you are wondering what the hell happened.

It doesn't matter if you have been together for 5 months, 5 years or fifty years (ok after fifty years I'm pretty sure you will have this stuff sussed)

How do we go from being all loved up one minute to barely being able to stand being in the same room the next?

It is quite simple really.

We take each other for granted. We stop noticing all the little things that our partner does for us each day. Instead we focus on all the annoying little habits; they left the toilet seat up ... again, they squeezed the toothpaste in the middle instead of from the bottom, they left their wet towel on the floor or they didn't take the garbage out.

My pet peeve with my husband is he hangs his wet towel over the shower instead of on the towel rail. And do you know what I do about it? Nothing.

Why because in the words of Wayne Dyer "You can be right or you can be happy."

Most of us choose to be right, which doesn't make for a happy home life.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to give your partner a free pass all the time. I am saying let's focus more on the good things and let some of the small stuff go.

It is a slippery slope when we focus on all the petty irritations in life; the more we look for them the more we will find.

Conversely the more we focus on the good things the more we see of those too; he texts us when he's going to be late, she cooks our favorite meal and has it waiting for us, he helps you pick in the laundry when its raining, he stacks the dishwasher after dinner, he kisses us and tell us how beautiful we are when he gets home from work.

Small gestures = big rewards

It is the little things that happen every day that lead us towards a deeper intimacy .... or away from it. There is a lovely story about the day a husband forgot to kiss his wife before he left for the day
( Please note I realize not all husbands go out to work and not all wives stay home. As a woman who works from home this is my reality. If it isn't yours just substitute whatever works for you).

Meanwhile back at the story: Hubby leaves the house without kissing his wife, she gets grumpy and snaps at her child , child gets grumpy and  snatches a toy from the toddler, toddler gets grumpy and pulls the cats tail. All for the sake of one ten second smooch.

It is so ingrained in my husband that he kiss me when he leaves and when he gets homes  that on the
(odd) time when he forgets he will ring me as soon as he gets to work because he felt something was off shortly after getting in the car. He even makes a point of kissing me if I am still asleep.

Intimacy is waaaaaayyyyy more than just sex

In fact intimacy starts well before you even get to the bedroom. Intimacy is all those little gestures I was talking about; the kiss before you leave for the day and when you reunite,  random hugs, affectionate strokes as you pass by, texts during the day or , better yet, actual phone calls just to say "hi". All these small gestures let he other person know that you are thinking of them and so the intimacy grows.

Intimacy is sharing all your doubts and fears and feeling that you will be heard and not judged. Creating a safe space for each other to be open and vulnerable will not only grow and develop your intimacy but will also forge a strong bond between the two of, an "us against the world" united front of security and bonding.

Intimacy is something that you have to work at, it is a muscle that requires constant use or it will become flabby and out of shape. Not a great shape for any muscle to be in.

"I don't have time"

Really? You don't have time for a peck on the cheek? Or the time to send a text saying "I love you and miss you xx".  What about the time to snuggle with your partner as you watch a favorite show together ( or, if you are determined to build more intimacy, to snuggle while watching a program he loves  -even if its not a fave of yours)? 

None of these things take much effort but the increase in bonding will be, as they say in the Mastercard ad, PRICELESS.



Want more tips?
Then check out my other blog post  How to fall in love with your partner, madly, passionately, deeply

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How to Forgive the Unforgivable

People are often mean, uncaring and nasty.


Then there are the ones who are downright vicious.


Not everybody.

Not even most people, but some are.

And we need to forgive all of them because none of what they do to us is actually about us, it's about them. It's hard to believe, I know. You see somehow or other they have been damaged and the way that they know how to deal with that is by lashing out at someone else, and you happened to be their convenient target,

None of this is fair. None of this is your fault. what you choose to do with it is the only thing that you have control over and this is where it gets tricky. You are justified in feeling your hurt and your pain and your anger and it is healthy for you to feel those emotions...... for a while.

The trouble is some of us get hooked into feeling that this event, this wounding defines who we are. It doesn't.

You are not a rape survivor or a domestic violence survivor or a ( insert your own particular form of hell) survivor. Yes, you survived and that is worth celebrating but it is not the sum total of who you are. None of this is to diminish what you have been through ( or are going through) rather I am saying,  in my opinion, there is so much more to who you are that cannot be summed up in the blanket "survivor" terminology.

I recently had a blog post picked up and published on The Good Men Project which was very gratifying. I did get the shock of my life when I saw myself described as a "domestic violence survivor" because I have never identified myself as such - ever.

All of that happened to me  but I don't identify with it and I have worked, hard, to heal forgive and move on.

Forgiveness is not a one time, quick fix and move on type of deal. It takes time and compassion and most of all a firm belief that you are doing it for you not for them... all the thems.

So how do you forgive the unforgivable?

Here's what's worked for me:

(1)  Realize that they just don't know any better.

Years ago I was doing a course in community social work and the guest speaker was  a social worker who dealt with domestic violence and child abuse cases. I asked him how he managed to do the work day in day out and remain the cheerful person that he was. His reply was this "I realize that they just don't know any better and when they know better they do better."

This was reiterated for me when I read the "Conversations With God" books by Neale Donald Walsch in which he says in any given moment there is what serves you and was does not. We are all doing whatever our Soul needs for it's conscious evolution. ( this can take some getting your head around and I strongly recommend reading these books).

When I looked back at my childhood I realized that my Dad didn't know any different. His own father was probably also a bully. Watch any Billy Connolly  video and you will see that this was common place in Glasgow, where my father grew up and where I was born. Does that make it acceptable? No. But he didn't know any better. It was all he saw, heard and had instilled in him. could he have chosen differently? Absolutely.

(2) Understanding and Compassion.

We all make choices. I choose to live in a world of understanding and compassion. I chose to be different from my father, that was a conscious choice and has lead me down a very different path to my father and most of my family. I choose to work in the field of personal development, healing and spiritual awareness. That is my choice and I am happy to live with it.

It also gives me the perspective to stand back and have compassion for all those that suffer, including those that have hurt me. It wasn't about me . It was about them trying to deal with their own demons and thinking that was a solution. And for that I feel compassion for  them.

(3) Choose happiness

There is a saying  "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I choose happiness. And you can too. Choose to feel happy about where you are now in your life. It might sound simplistic but  embrace all the good that you have in your life now

(4) Practice gratitude

Not right away.

Not as a knee jerk reaction.

But at some point be grateful for what has taken place because it has made you resilient and strong and capable and an advocate for others who are still struggling to cope ..

Be grateful that you don't live in the head of the person who hurt you because that must be a very scary, lonely place to be.

Be grateful for the choice you made to survive and thrive and be happy and to make better choices than the ones your perpetrator did.

Be grateful that they showed you all the ways you did not  want to be. Sure you may have found easier ways to learn that lesson but this is what life dealt you

(5) Forgive yourself

Forgive yourself for carrying the pain for years. Forgive yourself for not wanting to forgive them. Forgive yourself for everything.

Often, forgiving ourselves is even harder than forgiving them. Do it anyway.

(6) Love yourself

Practice loving yourself. They are never going to love you they way you wanted them too. They are never going to love you how you felt you should be loved so get to work realizing that you are worth loving. Fill yourself up with your own love and work on letting the little child inside you know that she/he is loved too. No conditions. Nothing to prove. You always were lovable.

(7) Take your time

Be gentle with yourself and give your self plenty of time. Others might think that "you should be over that by now" but it's not their journey. It is yours and you can take as long as you need to forgive and heal.

(8)It's not about them
 Forgiveness is not about them. You forgive to set yourself free not to absolve them of their wrongdoing. Holding on to the anger and pain hurts you. It hurts your body and makes you bitter. Forgiveness is like a balm for the soul, it makes you feel lighter and happier and free.
Start with a small thing to forgive and work your way up, just like building a muscle. Do it for you.

(9) Just because you have forgiven them doesn't mean you have to hang out with them

Because you don't.

Forgiveness does not mean that all that happened in the past is now okay and that you are now going to be best friends or resume anything resembling a normal parent child relationship. Sure, you can if you want to. It is purely your choice.

Sometimes we just need to love people from a distance.

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Toxic People..... and how to avoid them

Toxic People

 We all have  them in our life. Or if we are lucky we had someone like that in our life but had the foresight to  move on.

I bet that title has already brought several people to mind. 

You know who I mean. Those people who make cutting remarks; about your weight, your job, your life and when you get upset they merely turn to you and say “ What I was only joking/teasing? Don’t be so sensitive/ defensive. Lighten up” 

Guess what? 

It’s not you.

It is them.

You are entitled to your feelings and if you feel hurt or upset by something someone says it is not always down to you being  “too sensitive” . I’ve never understood what that phrase means. I feel things . Maybe I do feel more intensely than others. This is a good thing. It means I haven’t numbed out everything in my life in order to exist. Sensitivity, therefore, should be celebrated, embraced and cherished.

Not scorned or ridiculed by those who have chosen to numb themselves to their own  emotions . Why is that considered a good thing to do? So you can move callously through the world with complete disregard for others emotions? No, thanks I’ll stick with sensitivity.

What do we do about toxic people in our lives?

It is not always easy, generally because they have convinced us that we are the problem. Us, with our sensitivity, our emotions and feelings, not them with their callous disregard, lack of compassion and hard heartedness.

It can be even harder if these people are members of your own family, that safe, nurturing sanctuary.  

•  Accept that it is not your issue:

We are entitled to feel what we feel without censure or ridicule or being told to “lighten up”. Once we accept that our feelings are valid we can then decide how we are going to react to the situation.

If we constantly feel that the other person is justified in their statements we begin to devalue ourselves, our feelings and our reactions.STOP! Anyone treating you badly for feeling how you feel is a dick. The end 

•   Value your feelings:

Celebrate your sensitivity!  It makes you more compassionate, more loving and more open than those who are less sensitive.

Allow yourself to feel  what you feel without censoring it for the benefit of others.

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•  Establish a clear boundary:

Now that you have acknowledged the validity of your feelings it is time to let those people who have  treated your feelings with casual disregard that it is no longer acceptable and that you will not tolerate it.

Pick a time when you are not feeling emotionally vulnerable and approach the person concerned and calmly tell them that you do not appreciate their constant negating of your feelings and ask them to stop treating you this way.

This may bring on the usual round of “ stop being so sensitive. Lighten up”  etc so practice being a stuck record and ask them (nicely, calmly) to respect your feelings in the future.

Refrain from name calling or blame , merely state your position and ask them to respect it.

•  Distance yourself :

If they continue to disrespect you once you have established your boundary then you move on to the next step of avoiding contact with them.

Some people won’t change. This is the way they have always been and they truly believe that it is you that has the issue. In this case you have no choice but to avoid them. Yes,even if they are family.  Especially if they are your family. Family is supposed to be the one place that we can go to count on for love and support and nurturing. It is supposed to be a place to retreat from the world. Sadly this is not always the case as I know only too well.

It is okay to love them from afar. You don’t have to put yourself in the place of being treated badly. Sure, give them the option of treating you right by telling them how what they are doing or saying is making you feel. If they continue to do the same old, same old then you have the choice to not show up any more for that treatment

YES, BUT

I can hear you now; Yes but how do I do that when they are family/ a coworker/ my partner? Well guess what ? As Dr Phil says we teach people how to treat us.

How do we do that?

But putting up with their shit.

If you don't like it say something and keep on saying it until you are heard. It is called the broken record technique.

Think of a two year old; they ask for something and you say "No" so what do they do they ask again ... and again ..... and again until you give  in just to get some peace. So if your toxic person doesn't get it the first time that you tell them their behavior upsets you tell them again... and again .... and again. And keep your distance. Don't engage with them. Just stop: talking, texting, Facebook messaging, phoning, emailing or catching up to "just chat"., if at the end of these things you are left feeling; less than, drained, belittled,  or bad about your self then this person IS. NOT. GOOD. FOR. YOU. Full stop, the end.


If you need help forming clear boundaries then contact me to set up a Skype or one on one session  :
Details Here



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Things I've learned from grief

I am a writer.

Most of the time I try to convince myself otherwise.

My writing isn't good enough. I don't have any inspiration. The ideas just aren't flowing. Blah blah., blah.

Today I spent sitting in front of my computer screen trying to come up with an idea for a blog, or even a newsletter or some ideas for new products I'm working on and I came up with precisely nothing.

Nada.

Zip.

Zero.

I took a break. Made myself a cup of tea. Went and hung out with my chooks. Still nothing. I did some housework ( I hate housework so I know it's serious when that becomes an option) Still nothing.

I started cooking and ended up with a lovely meal but still no inspiration.

Finally I took myself off to bed, otherwise known as my happy place, and prepared to drift off to sleep.

BINGO! Now we have ideas flooding in. And this is when the argument with my Muse kicks in "I'll remember this in the morning" ( that never works _ how many great ideas have I lost by declaring this? Countless) "No, I really will remember this" Yeah she's not letting me off that easy. so here I am sitting at my keyboard, eyes stinging and ready for sleep so let's see how this  goes.

Grief is a bitch

My mother in law passed away in January. she fell sick in December and within four short weeks she was gone. A week later my brother  who had been struggling with cancer went into hospital, two weeks later he passed away too.

January and February have been a constant round of family visits, texts, phone calls, Skype sessions, hospital visits and I can't believe we are in March already.

So what have I learned from all of this?  Lots.

(1) Life is short

It doesn't matter if you are 85 or 56 life is over before you know. The trouble is we think we have time. We talk about "getting around"to things. We put off doing what we want to because now is not the right time when in reality right now is all you have. Today.

Because tomorrow is not promised to any of us.

A young friend of mine's husband had a car accident a week or so ago. Their lives will never be the same. Her husband has already undergone numerous surgeries with still more to come. The previous weekend they had posted pictures of them out having fun and now it is hospital updates.

Life is short. Go do all those things that you are waiting to do. Now is the time. NOW!


(2) People are awesome

We can all get a little jaded and think that the world sucks...... and some of the time it does.

But on the whole people are awesome.

You will be amazed at the people who are there for you when the chips are down........ and at the ones that you thought you could count on who disappear into the woodwork.

Focus on the ones who are there for you because they are the ones that really matter.

(3) Grief brings out the worst... and the best in people

It's amazing how it happens. And it always seems to. Weddings and Funerals bring up all the old family shit.

Mainly because it never goes away.

It just lies deep enough beneath the surface that everyone can pretend it has been dealt with. We all want to sweep it under the rug and pretend that we are okay with it all but we aren't and so it rises to the surface when every ones emotions are at the for, either in joy or in pain.

Far better to deal with whatever family shit there is ( and there is always some) before it rears it's ugly head at the wrong time.

Although even this doesn't always work as I know only too well

(4) Sometimes just being there is the most important thing

Sitting holding someone's hand as they are preparing to transition can be the most powerful and transformative thing that you do - for you and for them.

I didn't get to be with my brother due to family issues. I did get to text him... which was nowhere near the same but the best that I could do.

I did get to sit with my mother in law and hold her hand and leaving her was the hardest thing to do... even though she had other family members with her.

Sometimes just being there is all you need to do. You don't need to speak. Your presence is enough.

(5) In the end only love matters

Letting others know that you love them is vital for everyone, regardless of the stage of life that you are at.

It is the one thing that we all need to hear... every day.

It shouldn't be hard to say and we shouldn't wait until the last days of our lives to tell those that we love them how much they mean to us. Sadly, a lot of us still do. Don't be one of them.

(6) Self Care is important

We've been taught that it is selfish. It isn't.

Do whatever it is that you need to do to be the healthiest; in mind, body and spirit, that you can be. It is your life that you are living and you get to decide what it is that you need and what is important to you. Nobody can take that away from you so don't surrender your needs for the sake of pleasing someone else.

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