Touch Deprived

We live in a technological world.

We are bombarded with information at  an astonishing rate of speed that our forebears would not have been able to comprehend.

We have lost touch with each other.

It is now easier to send a text message than pick up the phone and call someone to wish them "Happy birthday" or "Merry Christmas". Seriously, when was the last time you had a phone call that wasn't a telemarketer or a charity looking for donations?

And  who, exactly, is keeping the card industry going?
 ( apart from me, obviously!)

We feel so inundated with sensory overload; texts landing on our phone, music playing in the background as we surf the web with a million and one ads flashing at as from the sides of the website we are browsing or drop down boxes asking us to sign up for the latest newsletter, phones ringing ( pesky telemarketers!), people talking, cars racing past and sirens wailing. Makes me exhausted just writing it.

I live in blissful peace and quiet, in the countryside, tapping away at my keyboard and seeing clients are about as exciting as it gets around here. Sure my rooster is incredibly loud ( especially at 4am ) and sometimes the neighbours tractor and spraying equipment gets on my nerves. But it is quiet and relaxing .

When I go to the city I feel overwhelmed and just want to retreat back into my cave so I get it. I get that we are overly stimulated on the sensory front and that tends to make a lot of us pull back into our selves, longing for a bit of space, a small gap of solitude to call our own.

The trouble is a lot of us are doing this by withdrawing touch from those around us. I read recently that  the young people in Japan have stopped having sex with each other altogether and that this is having a devastating effect on their economic growth ( or will do in the near future). No sex, no babies, no next generation coming up through the ranks. Some of the reasons given for the no sex was that the females are now earning their own money and are not prepared to give that up to be the domestic goddess their husbands and their society demands.

As a non domestic goddess myself, I can't say I blame them but I know I sure as hell wouldn't be giving up sex for it either. The males, on the other hand,are eschewing sex as they no longer want to give up a large part of their wages to maintain the wife staying at home and all that entails.

Sounds to me like they need a sexual revolution a la 1960 rather than everyone just giving up on sex .

Meanwhile over in the good ol' U S of A kids are being suspended from school for hugging their teacher  and even, in some extreme cases, for little boys kissing a girl in kindergarten.

I mean come on people, this is all getting out of hand.

What we are, as a whole, is touch deprived

We are so disconnected from each other, from our own bodies, from the pure sensual delights that are available to us that we are forgetting how to touch each other

In fact technology in general and porn,specifically are ruining our lives. Okay maybe that is a very broad, sweeping statement but it seems that some people are becoming addicted to the ease of porn and the instant gratification that it brings so much so that it impacts their sex life and not in a good way.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt recently made a movie on this very topic. Don Jon is a typical young guy. He works out, he hangs with his buddies and he goes to clubs looking to score with chicks, which he does on a regular basis. And even though he is so great with the ladies once he is finished having sex with them, it's off to his computer for some porn. Even when he meets the girl he thinks is the love of his life. Even after she catches him and he promises he will stop. ( I won't give you any more info because you really should watch it - great movie)

Young guys have a false idea of what sex looks like from watching too much porn. They have a limited idea of what it entails and that actual feelings are involved.

Girls, on the other hand , often have sex thinking it will bring them love ( yup, even now)

What we all need, however, is to start hugging each other on a regular basis. This will release feel good chemicals like oxytocin and dopamine and help us feel more bonded and connected with each other.

And the hugging and touching shouldn't stop when we are in a relationship. No, quite the opposite in fact. If we want our relationship to flourish and feel deeper and more connected to each other as the years pass we need to keep the touching going, all day, every day.

Sadly, more and more couples are living in sexless marriages when one partner decides to withdraw all sex and touch goes a long with that. Sure, they could divorce but often time they still feel deeply committed to each other, it's just that one partner has taken sex off the table. And so as not to "lead the other partner on" all touch goes with that.

I just read this article over at Elephant Journal about pledging to increase pleasure in our lives and I have to say I agree with her.

It is time for us to Pledge to Take our Pleasure Seriously. To commit to more touching not just to more sex but to more connection, more intimacy and more, just more.

So how do we start?

(1) Greet your friends with a hug. Touch their hand when you are listening to them so that they know that you are.

(2) Make eye contact with people when they are talking to you. Show up and be present.

(3) Ask for hugs when you need them. don't just wait for them to be offered.

(4) Ask your friends if they need a hug when they are having a bad day. then hug them... for 20 seconds.

(5) Ask your partner for hugs. Explain that you are not necessarily wanting sex, you just want a hug.

(6) Call your mother..... just to say hi!

(7) Give thanks for all that you presently have in your life. Especially the relationships that you cherish. Then ring them and tell them you are grateful for them and why. Think of it as a verbal hug.

If you are struggling with feeling touch derived and need some direction to help you move back towards it. If you have issues with touch or intimacy and need someone to help Contact me via Facebook messaging to arrange a session.

The greatest gift you can give your partner

There is always one person that you just can't find a gift for.

Often it is our partner but sometimes it can be our parents or a good friend . Even though I said in the title that this gift is the greatest thing you could give your partner it works for other significant people in your life, even your kids. Especially your kids.

This is a clue!

Every one wants to feel special.

To feel that they are loved, lovable and loving.

So how do we give that to people? How do we let them know that they are  loved?

Sure, we can tell them but often the words don't sink in, heart deep.

We can show them by doing things for them, but again that can be easily overlooked.

We can buy them things, which is what we all do at Xmas, but how do you convey depth of feeling with a dollar value? Do you even want to?

We can give hugs and touch and this is always a good place to start. although some people find touch uncomfortable as a means of receiving love. Especially if they have issues with past abuse.

These are all worthwhile and loving things to add into any relationship and if you are not already doing them  then I suggest you get on to it.

No, what I am talking about is giving your presence instead of just presents.

Being fully present  with the people you love means connecting with them, with your eyes, when they are talking. Giving them your full attention. Not just half listening, not thinking of what you are going to say next. Not mentally writing your shopping list or planning on how to fix the clunk in the engine.

Nope, none of that shit.

Just focusing totally on the moment and what is being said, paying attention to the body language and checking in.

Doing this when your 5 year old has something important to share about their day? Priceless gift, because lets face it often we are too busy but if you start this practice with them when they are little  they will still come and tell you about their day when they are 15 or 16.

Doing this with your 15 or 16 year old when they are telling you about their latest conquest on Xbox     (or Playstation) or when they are telling you about what Brittany said that made them feel like  shit and she's such a bitch and .. and ... and? Priceless gift and they will come back again and again to feel validated and heard and possibly even share life changing decisions with you because they know you listen.

Doing this with your parents or in laws when they are in their 70's or 80's and telling you ( again) about their childhood and how different life was back then? Priceless gift because old people need to feel valued too,. Even better? Ask them for advice so they still feel they have something to contribute.

Doing this with your partner as they tell you about their day, in minute detail? Priceless gift and likely to lead to great sex later.

Doing this while having great sex, fully being in the moment, not in your head but connected to your body and your partners body and all the sensations that are taking place, instead of lost in your own little fantasy world? Priceless gift and likely to make the great sex you were having, the best sex you have ever had.

Simple isn't it? Because let's face it we don't really need more things. What we need is a deeper connection with those we love and the easiest way to do that is to give them more of us.



What is the best gift you ever received? Leave me a comment below

The Season of Giving is upon us

I'd settle for the foot massage....... and the orgasm!

Christmas is now breathing down our necks and will be here before you can bat an eyelash. Christmas is about giving and families and celebrating .

When we were little we would write out our wish list of all the things we wanted  Santa to bring us, we knew that we might not get everything on the list. We knew that Santa was assessing whether we had been naughty or nice ( that judgey bastard!) and we were hoping he would let some things slide and still give us what we wanted.

We all know that it is better to give than receive - we've had that drummed into us since we were kids.

A long with the "it's the thought that counts"when faced with a less than fabulous present. We are taught to be grateful for anything that we get.

 These are good and valuable lessons.

But somewhere a long the line we forgot about asking for what we wanted.

We stopped allowing ourselves to compile a "wish list"of things that we wanted.

Instead we got busy giving. Because, apparently, that's what adults do. We give and give and give. This is especially true f you are a mother. In fact it seems to come downloaded with the meeting with the egg and sperm! I am surprised it isn't one of the commandments - "Thou shalt give ...... and then give some more."

What we seem to forget tin this equation is that there is someone on the other end of all that giving - the receiver. Yes, I know I talk a lot about being grateful and yes, that is still important.

What I want to talk about is opening ourselves up to two things (1) asking for what we want and (2) being open enough to actually receive it. Because here's the thing, we tend to have forgotten how to be open enough to really, fully receive what is being offered to us.

Lets talk about compliments, for a start. Most women ( and I am going to be speaking generally because I haven't actually met every women on the planet yet) tend to brush aside compliments. I see it all the time, "Oh I got this dress/outfit/handbag on sale at  ( insert generic store name here)" or "Thanks but look at you. You look amazing!"or  "No, I haven't lost weight. In fact I think I must have gained about 3 pounds this week" or well, pick from a myriad of reasons why a compliment shouldn't be received. ( and yes, I am aware that all those examples relate to looks because as women that seems to be the issue that we are (a) most often complimented on and (b) find the most difficult to hear or accept. See my aside about speaking generally).

Or what about the wrangling that goes on at the local coffee shop over which friend is doing the buying. Each wanting to make sure that the other friend is made to feel special rather thatn accept the generosity offered as a gift from a friend.

Or ( here's where it really gets juicy) what about in bed. Often times we are so focused on giving our partner pleasure that we overlook our own or feel that perhaps we should just fake it as we are obviously taking too long. We forget the fact that men take, on average, about 7 minutes to climax, while we are barely getting warmed up ( women take, on average about 20 minutes to achieve orgasm). So consequently we feel we should be performing better, faster or just differently than how we are currently.

The worse part is that with the proliferation of porn on the internet men are under the ( deluded) idea that all women should be writhing in ecstasy at one mere thrust of their amazing penis ( let's not get into the array of other false impressions that men get from porn or we will be here all day!). And , sadly, there are still some men who  do not know where the clitoris is, let alone the G spot, hell the scientists/doctors/gynecologists can't even agree as to whether we all have on. What the hell is that all about?

Yeah, it's complicated!

That's like saying some people are born with a penis and others aren't ( oh wait, bad example). The fact is all females have a G spot
( mmhmm, *nodding my head*, even you, dear reader. Unless you are a male, in which case "Hi"and happy to have you here!). The fact that nobody has found it in your body, yet (YET!) does not mean that it does not exist. It is not the Yeti ( oh did LOL when I read that last bit back cos it kind of is the Yet -i of locations - nobody has found yours yet!)

And the reason nobody has found your elusive G spot ( if they have congratulations and there probably nothing more for you to see here) is because you have not allowed yourself the pleasure of relaxing into being open to receive.

To open into a place of receiving we have to be willing to surrender, to get out of our head and into our body. We also have to feel that we deserve the pleasure . We have to feel that our partner genuinely wants to please us and is willing to take the time. If they aren't then you have a great indication of just how committed they are to the longevity of your relationship.

Intimacy is something that we develop, that take nurturing and openness and yes, even surrender. We have to be willing to be vulnerable, to ask for what we want and to allow ourselves the time we need to embrace our pleasure.

When you full open into the space of receiving you are opening up and feeding your sense of self worth. Not to mention unleashing all the creativity and inspiration that is stored in lower chakras that can be utilized through orgasm ( yeah, that's whole other blog right there).


Meanwhile back at Christmas, if you are still in the gift buying mode
 ( sitting here smugly having finished all mine ) why not follow my Golden Rule of Gift Buying ( so special it has it's own name and deserve highlighting). Here it is; Buy yourself something nice first.

This was first born when I was a single mother of two darling wee boys
 ( later turned into three but that's another story). I figured if I didn't buy myself presents then who else was going to? And I have kept it up even though I am now happily married. On any gift buying expedition first up is finding a gift for my favorite person in the whole world, Me! With that out of the way I can then focus my attention on thinking about what other people like/want. Otherwise I end up buying all my lady friends things that I really would rather keep for myself.

So tell me do you have trouble receiving? Can you take a compliment? Have you been faking it all these years or are you willing to ask for and get the pleasure you deserve? I would love to hear your feedback


Come over and join us on my Facebook page where we will be kicking of 100 Days of Self Love soon!

Ten things you should say ( or express) more often in your relationship

Every woman wants to feel like a Goddess in her relationship.

Every man wants to feel like a God in his relationship/

We all want to know that we are appreciated, that we are loved, that we are valued for who we are and not just what we do.

It's not a big request.

It doesn't take any special skills or high tech gadgetry to make the one you love feel SPECTACULAR on any given day.

No, it is by merely sprinkling your conversations with these simple statements;

(1) I love you.

There. Simple. A complete sentence all on it's own...... and yet we are often stingy with it's use. We think it . We feel it. But we hesitate to say it as though we could use up all it's juicy goodness by using it too often.

Trust me, we all need to say it and hear it far more often that we are at present. So next time you feel all that gushy, juiciness building inside your heart, let it out. Bathe your darling with those words as often as possible ( it's always possible)

On a side note: stop saying I love this thing or that thing. Love is for people .... not things.

(2) I'm sorry.

We all make mistakes but we don't always apologise for them..... and we should, especially with our significant other.

My darling and I were shifting furniture the other day ( well he was shifting it and I was directing where it should go). It's something I like to do regularly to shift the energy in the room and something he goes along with because he loves me.

Anyway at some point, late in the day I got snippy with him ( I bet you thought it would be the other way around right? and no it's not all peaches and cream, sunshine and rainbows over here. I can be a right bitch at times, shocking, I know)

Bless him, he just carried on shifting things and walked out of the room. When he came back I apologised because I was just being mean, for no good reason. So next time you mess up ( and you will because we all do) apologise. Just say those three little words - I am sorry.

(3) Thank you.

Yes, we are back to gratitude. Thank you darling for taking out the trash. Thank them for cooking you dinner. Thank them for getting the car serviced. Thank them for making you breakfast ... and lunch. Thank them for making you a cup of tea. Thank them for being part of your life.

Thank them for anything.

Thank them for everything.

Sounds simple but it is oh so effective.

(4) Can I help you with that?

Again very simple but also very effective.

Offering to help shows the other person that you are paying attention. You can see that, perhaps, they are struggling with something; wrestling with the kids trying to get them into their pajamas while helping  Miss 5 with her homework or talking on the phone and trying to ensure that the potatoes don't boil dry.

In reality this one doesn't even need to be said. Instead you can just pitch in and start helping.

And ladies, this goes for you too. sometimes our blokes are so busy doing their bloke thing and yet they could still use a hand maybe to fetch them the right tool so that don't have to be getting up and down off the ladder or up and down out from under the truck ( or sink or wherever other blokey job is taking place).

By offering to help you are letting the other person know that you are there for them when they need you.

(5) I see you.

This is another one of those statements that you don't necessarily say.

Every body wants to be seen for who they truly are. Not the "I'm doing fine"mask that a lot of us wear just to get through the day. But the real us, the authentic "I've been to hell and back and survived and here are my scars" us.

If we are loved enough for this"us", it shines out of us and we grow ever more confident in ourselves.

Let your partner know that you really see them for who they are and not how you think they should be. Acknowledge their past hurts and let them know that you are here to help them heal and not to inflict more damage to them.

(6) You are beautiful. Inside and out

Ladies love to hear that you think they are beautiful, gorgeous, talented beings.

Men love to hear that you think they are sexy and handsome.

My husband tells me everyday in a million little ways that he thinks I am the hottest thing he has ever seen.

How does that make me feel? Like the hottest thing, ever.

(7)  I remember when.....

Sharing the first time you kissed . Or the first time you went on a date or the first anything, really keeps the spark of romance alive. It reignites all those emotions you felt then; the flutter in your stomach, the catch in your throat, the excitement of being in love.

Looking back, in love, helps you move forward with renewed passion.

Looking back at all the mistakes however, and dragging them back up to be revisited, not so much. In fact that is a surefire way to head straight for the divorce courts!

(8) I just called to hear the sound of your voice.

With the advent of texting we often forget the joy of hearing our beloveds voice on the end of the phone. Sure a text is a quick, efficient way to keep in touch but nothing beats the sound of your honey on the end of the phone.

(9) Let's have sex

Photographer unknown

I read an article the other day that said that 1 in 7 relationships are now sexless. ( take your time to read that again)

One in Seven.

Now this makes me unbearably sad.

What was even sadder is that these relationships were between people in their 30's and 40's

. I know we all buy into the myth ( it's a MYTH, people!) that sex stops at a certain age. Poor old Miley thinks that age is 40. Sadly for some people, she is right.

I know our lives are busy and days ( sometimes weeks) go by without stopping for the delicious interlude of sex, but it is a slippery slope to No -Sex -land. In all the cases mentioned in the above article sex either petered out ( pun intended) or stopped altogether in one fell swoop.

Sex, like hugging or other nonsexual touch, releases oxytocin which is a hormone that helps us to feel bonded and emotionally connected to each other. Once sex is off the table other touching goes too and then you feel less and less connected to your partner and before long you are drifting in opposite directions.

All it takes is for one partner to keep the flame flickering by instigating sex. Asking for it while still clothed and going about your daily routine plants the seed that this might be on the agenda and anticipation builds arousal better than any pill.

 (10) Let's go do ( insert favorite shared activity) together.

Spending time togeher is vital for a great relationship to thrive. Doing things together whether it is going to dinner, going to movies, gardening, or working on a project together builds  a sense of togetherness and kinships.

Asking to spend time together lets the other partner know that you enjoy their company and look forward to spending time with them. This, in turn, makes them feel special. And we all want to feel special, right?



What do you think? What would you add to the list? Leave me a comment with your additions below.


If you are having issues in your relationship and want some help check out the Services page to book a session.

The Power of "Thank you"

I have been keeping a Gratitude journal for years. Well, mostly in fits and starts. Some weeks I do it every day and then somehow I fall of the wagon and days, sometimes weeks or even months go past without a single gratitude entry. And here's the funny thing ( not funny haha, just funny/strange) when I am doing my gratitude everyday my life flows better.

I notice things to be grateful for; the soft rain after days of sunshine, a warm fire when it's freezing outside, new flowers on my rose bushes, birds flying up to my window to say "hi" and always, a;ways my darling for being awesomely himself.

Then life starts getting busier. I am happier, calmer and more grounded and somehow the ritual of writing in my gratitude diary falls by the way side.

That is until this year.

This year I made a conscious choice to continue the practice all year. I even added in an extra component, a gratitude jar. I had a large flagon that my father in law had given me ( actually he gave me three - lucky me! thanks Bill!) and I started to write down things that happened each day or week that I was grateful for, I wrote them on little post it notes and I will take them out on New Years Eve to look back over my year and see just how blessed I truly am.

But mostly I write in my journal. I also created the 100 days of Gratitude over  on my Facebook page , come over and join us, we are on day 63!! This has been a great way to keep the focus on gratitude and share it with my followers. The lovely part has seeing how they are joining in and sharing what they are grateful for too.

At Christmas time I start feeling all mooshy and grateful for all the people who have helped me throughout the year and one of the ways I share this is by sending them "thank you"notes or buying them chocolate
 ( because that's the same thing, right? ). I do this for my hairdresser, my accountant, our postie  and , when I lived in town, the guys who picked up the recycling (only I got them beer).

Gratitude is one of the highest vibrations

You see, it is so easy to take people for grated. Sure, I am paying those people to do a job for me and all of them do it well so isn't it worth acknowledging how much you appreciate the work they do for you by giving them a gift? To say "hey I really value and appreciate the work you do for me?". Because, let's face it, everyone like to know that they are appreciated.

And here's the funny thing about showing appreciation; you feel good, they feel good and (wait for it) anyone who sees the exchange also feels good. How cool is that? Everyone gets a boost of feel good hormones coursing through their bodies, which boost the immune system, lowers the blood pressure and generally just makes you go all mooshy and lovey dovey inside.

Now, if you believe in the Law of attraction ( which you should, because it is a law, just like gravity. Uh oh things are getting a bit woo woo in here, brace yourselves) what you will begin to notice is that as you express more gratitude you will find more things to be grateful for. You will realize that you are already blessed with an abundance of good things in your life and begin to feel more content with yourself, your relationships and life in general.

Gratitude can change the world

All this from the simple act of writing down what you are grateful for, each day.

One of the things I give thanks for each and every day is my husband. Which makes me more loving towards him, which in turn makes him more loving towards me ( you see how this can spiral out of control can't you?)

Not noticing all that your partner does for you can lead to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction but by simply acknowledging what they are doing, thanking them verbally and also in your journal, shifts the energy noticeably and in a short space of time.

Gratitude has the power to transform your life and the lives of those around you. It is simple, effective and costs next to nothing

So who do you need to say "thank you"to?  What and who are you grateful for? Now is a good time to let them know.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. Thank you for sharing it  ( you are sharing it, right?) Thanks for coming over and liking my Facebook page. Oh and thanks for leaving a comment, I love hearing from you guys!!