Touch a, touch a, touch me!

 We all need to be touched.

We yearn for it .

We ache for it.

And some of us go to great lengths to get it. Touch, that is.

The name of this blog post is from  The Rocky Horror Picture show Youtube clip.

If you have never seen it go and check it out. The link above is to one of my favorite songs from the show.


However, some of us seem to be under the impression that when men touch it is purely as a prelude to sex or sex related. Consequently a lot of women withdraw or refrain from touching the men in their lives as they don't want to encourage sexual advances.

As women, we have the luxury ( yes, it is a luxury and don't you forget it!) of regular human contact . If we are single we will get hugs from our girlfriends ( and if you are one of my girlfriends you will soon realize that you will get hugged..... a lot!).

We hug.

We rub each others arms.

We put our hands around each others shoulders.

We just reach out and touch each others arms or hands

Hell, I have even been known to walk arm in arm with my BFF's ( yes, I have more than one) when strolling down the street.

Now pause for just a moment and think about any males you may know and ask yourself when was the last time you gave them a hug or a pat on the back or nay other form of affectionate touching. Then ask yourself when did they get that from one of their male friends . The answer is, probably never.

Because it would be considered , well, a bit "gay". And therein lies the problem. Men touching each other is frowned upon. It is seen as  too girly or poofterish ( yeah, I'm not politically correct. Deal with it)

Men on the sports field however will touch and hug and generally release all of their touchy feelings while at the same time being as butch as you like.

But if your man is not a sportsman he isn't getting that kind of interaction. So the touching is, literally, all in your hands

And they need it just as much as we do.

Some of them need it more. They are crying out to be touched, to be held.

Why?


Because it is a basic human need.

 Like breathing.

It is one of the first ways that we start to connect to the world. We, hopefully, are laid on the bare skin f our mother, nurtured and cradled, moments after leaving the womb. It is this connection, this touch that we yearn and crave for all our lives.

When I was a young girl of 11 I would hug my father good night, usually I would sit in his lap. Innocent, natural. But then one day Dad decided that I was now "too old"to sit in his lap. This was the only affection I received from my father on a daily basis and just like that, it stopped.

I was devastated. I couldn't understand why he was rejecting me , because that is what it felt like. What had I done wrong?

Grow up.
 That was the mistake I had made. I was developing breasts round about then so that made me "too old" for affection.

Guess what?

We do this even younger to our boys.

When they are born we cuddle and nuzzle them. As toddlers we hold their hands and stroke their hair and cuddle them. Then, at some point, and it's different in every family, we start being told  by other males or family members to "stop babying him"  or some such nonsense. Sometimes the boys themselves will resist the hugs you give them but deep, deep inside they still want it . They have just learnt that thy have to be tough or brave or manly ( or a long list of stupid words)

The sad thing is, at whatever age it happens, we stop touching them. Whether they are in their early teens or late teens or at some stage before that we just stop.

And the tragedy of it all is this is when they need it most.

I have spoken before about how to raise gorgeous boys and the importance of touch  and sadly, I will probably talk about it again and again until we get the message. Men need to be touched. We all do. It is part of being human.

I have recently met a beautiful woman whose job is all based around touch and you can connect with her here

How to cope with being too sensitive

 Last week I wrote this Too sensitive.... too soft... too and it obviously struck a chord with a lot of people. So this week I thought I'd give you some ideas on how to cope in a world that doesn't "get"you.

Unusually, for me, I have been out and about mixing with people every. single. day. And it has been absolutely lovely. I have met some amazing new friends and strengthened the bonds with some old friends. I have had delicious lunches in  great locations. I have basked in the sunshine of love and light.

If I had not prepared myself for all of this socializing I would now be feeling like a rung out rag; exhausted and a bit ( who am I kidding?  I would be a lot ) grumpy.

Thankfully I have learnt a few things over the years.

(1) When we built our home I not only blessed the site when it was bull dozed ( after thanking all the earth spirits and devas and fairies - I know, why have they not carted me off to the looney bin???)  we also buried specific crystals in each corner of  where the house would be and a large piece of rose quartz at the "heart"of the home.

Our house.... being built!

The next layer was when the foundations were laid and then when the gib board went on I wrote affirmations over each doorway into the house asking for blessings of peace and love to all who entered. I also wrote various mantras on certain walls.

What does this do? It built up an energy of healing and love in the home while it was being built.

We also gave a gift to everyone that worked on the home. EVERYONE!  and thanked them for their part in building it.

Not everyone builds their own home but there are still things that you can do to impact the energy in your home. Gridding your home with crystals can be done at any time. Just select crystals with the porperties that you are looking to create and place in all four corners of a given room or of the house itself.

(2) Taking care of the energy in your home by regular space clearing is also a good idea. As we are moving into Spring here in NZ it is the perfect time to not only Spring clean your home but also the energy. There are numerous good books on the subject. Two of my faves are: Sacred Space by Denise Linn and Creating Sacred Space with Feng Shui by Karen Kingston.

Essentially you use vibration from singing bowls, bells, music or clapping or any combination to shift the vibtation in your home. Setting the intention of what it is that you are wanting to create is a good place to start.

 You can also use specific mantras to raise the vibration of your home. "Om mani padme hum" is a good universal mantra or even just "Om"on its own.

(3) I also have numerous geodes and crystals throughout my home as well as statues of Buddha, Ganesha and Kuan Yin to invite in more harmonious energy.

This one is in my lounge and is about 25kgs

Himalayan Crystal Salt Lamps are also great, not just for purifying the air but for creating a relaxing atmosphere.


(4) When it comes to my personal energy I  do several things everyday to keep my energy  clear; meditation, gratitude journaling and EFT practice.

Over at my Facebook page we are doing 100 days of Gratitude, come over and join us for a daily reminder on what to be grateful for.

(4) When I know I am going to be in a crowded environment or when dealing with clients I wear specific crystal pendants. I particularly like one from Life Energy that is embedded with Solfeggio frequencies
( seriously go check out their website for info on these and no I don't get a commission - I just really believe in their products)

I first discovered them years ago when they were making Negaters ( in fact I have one of the first ones they made) and now that they have added in crystal pendants its all I can do to stop myself buying one of each!




How do you keep your energy clear? Leave me a comment below.

Too sensitive, too soft, too.......

 I have always been too ...... something. Somehow or other I have never "fit" . I am the ultimate round peg in a square whole ( yes I know its supposed to be a square peg in a round hole but frankly I prefer round pegs)

Today I read this post at Elephant Journal and gave a huge "Hell, yes!" because that is me too!

Even at family gatherings I was sitting off to the side, not feeling like I belonged, feeling that somehow I just didn't fit.

I remember that I always used to sit in the bay window at my aunty's house. I never realized that I always did it until one time my Uncle came and sat next to me and said "whenever you come to visit you always end up sitting here"  When we first moved from Glasgow to NZ we lived at my aunty and uncle's house for a year and the bay window was my bedroom. I was three. I remember I always felt safe in there This is why I needed to feel safe

I now know that I am an introvert. Oh sure, I can be the life and soul of the party if I want to. In fact most of my friends would be surprised to learn that I am an introvert. The truth is I am happiest in my own company. I can go days without leaving my house and when I do I just want to rush back to the safety and sanity of my sacred space.

I feel things.... deeply. I feel my emotions and I also feel yours. I feel what you are saying and also what you are not saying. I "read"your energy and the energy of the room. I can feel underlying tension at ten paces.

I miss nothing.  It drives my husband crazy. I know exactly what he has been doing, what rooms he has walked into, what cupboards he has opened.

Everything.

How?

Because I pay attention.
 
 I know the sound of  each door in our house and each cupboard. I know where everything is. I pay attention. Not just in my house but when I come to visit you, I pay attention to all the stuff . I notice when you shift things or add something new.

It's called hypervigilance.

I call it being a detective.

I also sit and observe. In fact I would rather do that than have to make conversation. Unless I have something to say I find idle chit chat banal and boring.

I would much rather know what makes you tick, who are you, what lights you up, what scares you? Than the answer to how your day has been or what the weather is like or what you do for a job. Because frankly I don't care about that stuff.

I want to know what makes your heart ache.... for the beauty of the world or from the depths of despair.

I used to retract into myself , to pull away from the world because it was all to painful and people , well people were just mean. They said things to cut and taunt you because you were not like them.

Ahhhh but now, now I realise that my sensitivity is a blessing and a gift. It helps me to make sense of the world and see through those words and taunts to the pain that you have so valiantly tried to cover by lashing out.

My sensitivity has made me who I am and for that I am truly grateful. I am better person, a better therapist because of it.

So if ever anyone tells you that you are 'too sensitive"just smile and say "thank you, yes I am and I am grateful" because you have discovered a deep lesson. By keeping yourself open to all of the worlds harshness and staying sensitive, you get to see its true beauty and you get to FEEL it in the core of your being.

Love is all there is

I was going to write today about all the things I have learned from watching Breaking Bad but got sidetracked reading several great articles which all had one thing in common, LOVE.

AMC's Breaking Bad

Which isn't that far removed from Walter White, his motivation, at the beginning was love of his family. He just carried away ( to put it mildly).

The problem with Walt was  he had become disillusioned with life. He had fallen out of love with himself a long time ago - back when his partners in Grey Matter bought him out.


And that can happen to all of us.

We can start to just coast through our lives, taking our jobs, our partners and family for granted

Until something shakes us out of it and generally it is something BIG.

Divorce

Cancer

Death

Oh, the list can go on and on. And then we are left with regret, all the things that we wish we had said or done differently . The biggest of these is wishing that we had told the people that matter just how much we love them.

Because, ultimately love is all that matters. To love and be loved is what we all want.

If you have been following my blog you may have read Raising Gorgeous Boys or Tender Touch. You may also know that I come from a troubled background Things I've learned about domestic violence so my life has not been all smiles, hugs and "I love you's"

I no longer connect with most of my FOO ( family of origin) and when I di have contact with them I told them how much I loved them and how grateful I was for who they were and how they fit into my life. Sadly this wasn't enough for them and I am now only welcome if I deny what happened in my past  and I will not keep secrets any longer.

Does this mean I don't love my parents ? No. It means I love them from afar because I love myself more and I'm ok with that. ( slowly. It is a day to day thing. Some days are great others are hard but it is all getting easier)

The love that I have in my life now is awesome and gets better and richer and deeper with every passing day. As good love should.

Love that comes with conditions or secrets is tainted love at best and generally comes from those who have sealed off too much of themselves. They are wounded and hurting and so hurt others in return because they just don't know any better.

Cracking yourself open, being vulnerable, loving with your whole heart is risky. You will get bruised and battered but the rewards are beyond belief when you find that love returned to you by one who has had the courage to do the same.

and after all love really, is all you need.

Shhhh! Don't tell.

Secrets are insidious.

When you grow up with domestic violence or sexual abuse or any other form of abuse there is an unwritten rule that you don't tell.

Growing  up I assumed that what happened at our house was normal. Kids got the strap at school so it kind of was normal but there was an underlying tension in our home that I felt keenly, like you were waiting for the other shoe to drop.

That tension has never really left me.

But it's the secrecy, that unspoken rule, that what happens at home doesn't get discussed outside. EVER.

I broke that rule.

It took me until I was an adult, with kids of my own, who had already grown up and left home.

Sure, we had talked about it amongst ourselves. When we were kids. When were twenty-somethings sitting around drinking coffee on the deck on a summer afternoon. And we all agreed that confronting the parents was just not an option.

They were old.

It wouldn't make any difference and why put them through it.

Until one day it all came to a head.

One of my sisters and I had  fallen out over some ridiculous thing ( as you do) and hadn't spoken for years
 ( as you do). We had emailed back an forth. I had apologised ( which to this day she still denies me ever doing). Numerous times  but to no avail.

But now I was getting married. Happy days!!  ( not quite)

My Mum wanted to know who I was inviting and why I wasn't inviting my sister.

Long ( painful, agonizing) story, short, my sister came to visit ( so much, much more to this but hey we all want to get to the end right?) . Words were spoken, back and forth and then she hit me, hard across the face. In my home. With her daughter and her fiancée standing right there. And then she left.

Then I got the letter saying my parents wouldn't be coming to the wedding.

So, ( oh fateful day) I rang them to ask why, WHY? they found it acceptable for her to come into my home and hit me.

Ahhh then it came out. she had lied and said I wouldn't let her in the house and blah blah blah, all so very tedious to report now.

And then out of my mouth came the words "Well I guess coming from a house full of anger and violence, you would think it was ok"
Cue much spluttering and denial and "You take that back"etc and then I hung up. Knowing I would probably never talk to them again. And I was right.

Oh there have been many angry letters demanding that I go and apologize, calling me all sorts of names. I haven't replied.

It has divided the family and sent me into a deep, deep depression. Everyone is taking sides ( whether they think they are or not). I have been told, in no uncertain terms that I am no longer part of the family and with each passing year that becomes more true.

My brother ( who bore the brunt of the anger)was diagnosed with cancer late last year ( I found out weeks later) and now he has gone through several rounds of chemo and still the rift is too deep and wide for anyone to breech.

I found out this week that after nearly a year of chemo my brother had packed his bags and disappeared. That was sometime last weekend. I found out on Wednesday.

Why so many days after he went missing?

Because I no longer count as family.

Because I broke the rules and spoke out about what happened in our family.

Because I upset my parents and they are old. Funny thing is they are never going to get any younger because, well they had to be older than me to have me in the first place.

Because secrets are damaging and the more secrets there are the more you have to hide. And we musn't upset the parents because they are old.

Well guess what? The last time I checked we are all ADULTS and capable of dealing with life's situations. Only apparently that doesn't apply to my family where we still tiptoe around in case someone, some grown ups feeling gets hurt because heaven forbid we should upset them. Even though growing up in that house, with that anger, just barely concealed beneath the "normal family"veneer damaged all of us ( though we aren't supposed to talk about that either).

So secrets are dangerous things and if you are not careful they may just overtake your life.

Or get you kicked out of a family for voicing them.

And even writing this I worry about the rifts that may occur if someone reads it  but you know what ? It is better to let it all out, shine some light and love on to the gaping wound , and let it heal. One way or another secrets need to be heard,


IF you or someone you know is living with a secret that needs to be heard please contact Women's Refuge  0800 733843 in New Zealand or
Domestic Violence Hotline in the US