The Myth of Sisterhood

We like to think that women are soft, caring nurturing people.

That women support and cheer on their fellow women.

We have this illusion reinforced with television shows such as Sex and the City, Friends and The Gilmour Girls and Hot in Cleveland.

We see it in movies such as Steel Magnolias and Bridesmaids


But the fact of the matter is women are often quietly undermining each other;  sniping and sneering at other women, walking down the street, bitching about their friends to other friends and delighting in others misfortune ( albeit, quietly to ourselves).

We see it with magazines that exalt a movie star one week and then post unflattering pics of the same star the next with nasty headlines.

We seem to take devilish delight in the fall of stars like Lindsay Lohan and Brittany Spears, snapping up magazines with tales of their latest exploits.


Amanda Foy of The Goddess Imperative wrote a recent blog post asking why we do this to each other and pleading for it to stop.

And then I read this interview with Christiane Northrup and realized that yes, sometimes, some of us undermine each other but we often, we also are the loving, nurturing and caring people we think we are.

I loved the graphic illustration Christiane Northrup uses, of the compliments we give each other being like the placenta, to nourish and support other women.

I had an experience like this today. I was at the doctors surgery getting some results and feeling a little fragile when I walked up to the reception I was greeted with another patient exclaiming "I LOVE your dress! It is just gorgeous." I had never seen this woman before and the compliment left me feeling ten feet tall and bullet proof.

You see I haven't worn a dress out of the house for about 15 years. I had got so comfortable in jeans that dresses stopped being part of my routine. Until this summer, when I found a dress in my colors, that I loved. I have worn it around home but not out and about and when the trip to the doctors came up I had planned on changing into jeans but decided "what the hell, its just a quick trip.So that one compliment has boosted my self esteem no end.

Did that woman know what it meant to me? No. Was she just in the moment and voicing her opinion? Yes, and I am so glad she did.

Next time you are out shopping or going about your day and see someone looking gorgeous, or doing something extra nice or if their smile brightens your day, make sure to let them know and lets reclaim the meaning of sisterhood, lets empower and build each other up, one person at a time.


What do you think, are women too hard on other women? Leave a comment below or share your stories of women being nice to you

Fighting Fair

Into any relationship a little rain must fall and lets face it, if we were happy, smiley, loving couples all the time life would get pretty boring.

The trick to fighting fair and not completely losing the plot is to remember that this is the person that you love. You may not love them much in this moment but they are the person that you what to keep waking up to everyday.
The trouble with most of us is that we save up all the little niggly things that our partner does and we also harbor grudges from all the past indiscretions they have ever made and then we attach it to the latest grievance and voila, we dump it all on their heads in one fell swoop.

We drag up all the things that they ever said or did wrong. Any time that we caught them glancing at another woman, lets just through that on the fire! POW!

And the time they didn't back us up in that disagreement with their mother. Kapow!

Oh and that time they said they would be home at 7 and then they didn't get in until 9pm? Lets chuck that in to! Biff!

By now things are in full roar and there is no stopping you.

In fact you might have even forgotten what you were originally arguing over.

So back to the idea of fighting fair and believe me it can be done. The main thing is to keep to the topic in hand and not go back to every other argument you have ever had and throw that on the fire.

Express your emotions from an "I feel" perspective instead of a "You did" or "You always" .

 Own your feelings and  state them clearly: "I felt really let down when you came home at 9 instead of 7. I had been really looking forward to seeing you and when you were late and didn't call me I started to worry about what had happened to you.'"

Do you see how that statement doesn't add any fuel to the fire but at the same time let's the other person know exactly what was going on for you?

If the other party chooses to lash out an drag in other issues then you can quietly remind them that the topic is the one at hand and not past grievances.

The other important thing to remember is that there are three sides to any argument; your side, their side and the truth.

 None of us come to an argument with a clean slate. We all have baggage from past relationships, our families and friends. So when we start an argument we are looking at things through the filters of our past and its just like looking through tinted glasses, when you take off the glasses everything looks completely different. Your partner is looking through their filters and so what they see is not the same as what you see.
When you realize this you can shift from your perspective to one of compassion, understanding and love which, ultimately, takes the heat out of any argument.

You gain  a new perspective of your partner that gives you a greater understanding of what makes them tick and shifts you back into a loving state.


Try it next time you are arguing, listen for the clues as to what is really going on for your partner and what filters they are looking through.


If you are having issues in your relationships; your intimate relationship, relationships with friends, family of with your self  then contact me for a one on one session; in person or via Skype http://www.cgrace4wellbeing.com/wellbeing-intimacy-packages.php

Hello Gorgeous!

I bumped into two acquaintances in the past week, on two separate occasions. Both greeted me with "You look great!" but one went on to add "Have you lost weight?"

Now I am a big girl. Voluptuous, curvy, Rubenesque, Amazon, fat and obese are all words that get bandied about when it comes to me. And I'm ok with that, what I struggle with is the constant quizzing about my weight, the "Have you lost weight?" questions.

The sad thing is they think they are giving you a huge compliment ( pun intended)  but what they are actually saying is that for you to "look good" then surely you must be doing something to reduce your size because surely you can't be happy looking like you currently do.

I watched this video of a stand up comedienne who faces being called fat on a daily basis and the startling discovery she made when she found one of the "trolls"who had been launching a hate campaign against her. truns out he wasn't very happy with his life and was lashing out at her to make himself feel better.

I am thinking that it might just be the case with the acquaintance that I bumped into and the myriad other people that ask me "have you lost weight?"whenever I bump into them. Maybe the issue they have is not with my body but with their own and when they see someone my size looking good and feeling confident then they assume I am doing something to change the way I currently look because that is what they are doing.

I also think part of the issue is how we talk to women in general and it starts from when we are little. we are always complimenting little girls on how cute they look, how pretty until they start to believe that it is the only gift they bring to the table.

What if we took a different approach? What if we stopped talking about our looks all the time and started having conversations about our minds? What if we didn't assume that a fat chick looking great is because she has lost weight but because she is in fact a happy, confident person?

What if we stopped obsessing about those last few pounds that we had to lose and realized that actually, or lives are pretty damn awesome, thank you very much?

What is we, as women, stopped looking at other women for signs of flaws so that we can feel better about ourselves?  Stop buying the women's magazines that show images of celebrities with headlines gasping about their too fat/too skinny/cellulite/wrinkles/possible baby bump.

What about if we just started loving ourselves and stopped worrying about what others think of us? A radical concept I know.

What the hell is normal anyway?

See that couple over there? He  likes to be spanked and she loves to spank him.
That nice, quiet couple down the road? They are actually swingers and regularly  throw sex parties.

I do not know these people but hey they could have a really interesting sex life!

That happy family? He is a closet gay and she is having an affair.

The fact of the matter is none of us knows what goes on behind closed doors and that is probably a good thing. But we are all inherently curious as to just what is a "normal"sex life and whether ours makes the grade.

The answer is really quite simple; are you and your partner satisfied? Are you both, genuinely, content with how often you make love, the positions and the variety of your sex life? Because if you aren't then something needs to change.

And if you are unhappy but not sharing that with your partner?

 That is a recipe for disaster.

Open, clear communication is the most magical of ingredients for a truly great relationship. Because chances are you are not always going to be on the same page, sexually.

She might be going through a phase of rampant horniness ( yes, it does happen!) just when he is stressed out about work, his parents, the economy and the last thing he is thinking about is sex ( yes, it does happen!)

See, we are conditioned to believe that men only think of sex ( apparently every 4 seconds according to some studies) and women aren't interested. In actual fact, women want it just as much as men, it's just that different things get us horny and also we are easily distracted by things like the laundry not being done, or Jimmy's school play or or never ending to do list or, well I'm sure you get the idea.

It is time for us to break the stereotypes portrayed by television sitcoms and look at what is happening in our lives. It is time to realize that men aren't constantly thinking about it and women think about it more than we let on.

It is time to speak up if we want more foreplay and describe, in detail  ( yes, you have to use the words), what it is we want. Men are not mind readers and good sex only becomes great sex if you can let each other know what it is you like and want.

The bedroom is not a place to be shy. You are naked ( you are naked aren't you?)  ( Ok, I know some of you have body hangups but please get naked in your bedroom and let your partner see you. Yes, I know some of you have problems with that too but seriously this is the person who LOVES you, get naked with them!Its FUN!!) and now is the time to be all grown up and say the words  "I would like you to lick me/ stroke my clitoris/ suck my nipples/ bite my left earlobe/spank me".

Because if you don't say them it will not magically happen. Your partner cannot read your mind. so if you want something to change - TELL THEM! Or you will be stuck having the same mediocre sex for the rest of your life together ( did you just shudder? I did.)

The trouble is that we all live in fear of people thinking we are kinky. What some might consider kinky, others consider normal. When it comes to consensual sex between adults and as long as you are both happy to experiment then by all means go wild.

Sex is supposed to be fun and if you aren't having fun then you are doing it wrong.

Sure we all get it ruts from time to time but it just takes one partner to suggest something different for a whole lot of new fun to emerge. And we want our sex lives to keep growing and evolving , right? I thought so.