Vagina, vagina, vulva

Ok so I know I've been talking about vaginas a lot and at the moment I am fuming to say the least.

I will not use euphemisms.

I will not  be saying ladygarden, pussy, fanny, vajayjay or whatever cutesy name is currently in vogue.

Why?

Because more and more I am seeing women being infantilised ( good word! very proud)  by the media, by movies and, what is worse, we seem to be playing along with it!

I read a recent article on Mamamia about the photoshopping of female genitalia in porn magazines in Australia. It seems the Australian government ( I don't know about any other countries as the article deals only with Australia but I am sure that it will be a Universal practise) likes nice, neat , "tidy" vaginas ( or vulvas. Whichever term you prefer).

Vaginas that do not  have labia minora on display.

Vaginas that have been "neatened"into a single cleft.

Vaginas that look more like something Barbie would have  were she to have a cleft at all.

Our vaginas, in their true form, are deemed too "offensive" for the classification board that rates the porn industry.

So what are women doing about it? Are we rising up and declaring that "our vaginas are perfectly ok thank you very much and leave your photoshopping tools on the desk" ?

Are we starting petitions about the adrogenising of our genitalia?

Are we screaming form the top of our lungs that we love our vaginas just the way they are?

NO!

We are waxing, lasering and getting surgery to CUT OFF OUR LABIA so that we fit this "acceptable"image.

We have done it with our bodies: we have had surgery to enhance our breast, liposuction to remove offending fat, starved so that we resemble  the models we see daily.

We have beaten ourselves up for our lack of self control for eating normal quantities of food.

We have purged and binged.

 We have felt like complete failures because we have tried and tried and tried to look like the models we see daily in the magazines and billboards. Images that the models themselves don not even look like once the photoshoppers tools have finished with them.

We have so lost sight of what a real women looks like that when we look in the mirror we are disgusted and appalled and ashamed with ourselves.
 
And now the same thing is being done with our most, intimate and sacred body part, our vagina.

And we are taking ourselves off to the plastic surgeons office, again, to try and achieve the perfect vagina.,  just like the ones in the magazines.

Even if we are not taking this extreme route it is seeping into our subconscious and make us feel less than whole, less than a woman. Just less.

Please, please please love your body. Know that who you are, how you look, all of you is enough exactly as it is today. Are you perfect? No but you are human. You have value, far, far beyond your looks.

You are unique and full of beauty.

Love yourself. All of yourself. Get comfortable with yourself - truly, it is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Check out my book "The Goddess Guide To sex, Love and Life" for more advice on loving all of yourself.

Dear Vagina,

You seem to get a bad rap so I thought I would spend some time just hanging out with you today. Everybody seems to have an opinion about exactly how you should look which seems a tad unfair.  I think because you are tucked away and hidden most of the time that how you look is really a matter for you and your owner and everyone else should mind their own damned business but noooooo, they comment on the amount of hair that is there ( or not), what constitutes a reasonable covering for you ( g-string, bikini briefs, "granny pants")  and even how you should smell.

Personally I think you are AWESOME in whatever form you take. I guess our poor friend penis cops his fair share of flak too. Although that mostly seems to be an issue  of size which is crazy because, you, dear vagina, are truly very accommodating. If only the penis users had a shred of a clue of all the wondrous things that they could be doing with their penis ( and , lets face it, the rest of their bodily parts) to make up for any perceived deficiencies of their appendage, we would all be a lot happier and talk of being "too small"would disappear!

I did my best to save you from the bumblings of teenage boys in our youth. I truly did. I felt that we both deserved to lose our virginity to a more experienced man. Sadly, it turns out that age is not a decent indicator of experience!
Thankfully I developed better taste in men as we got older and you and I have become better friends.
I want to apologise for all the times I cursed you when really it was the uterus who was to blame and those pesky hormones. I don't want to dwell on that too much as thankfully, those days are behind us now
I also want to apologise for that one time that I shaved you.
Can we please just put it behind us? I think we were both deeply traumatised by it.
 As for the stories friends tell me about getting theirs waxed? Makes me shudder ( and yes, I can feel you wincing from here) just thinking about it. Some swear by it and tell me how sexy it makes them feel and if it works for them that's great!

All you ever wanted to know about your vajayjay

My friend, Sharon, has written a great book called "The Vagina Buffet" about her time as a Brazilian waxer and as the owner of a vagina. Its great read and parts of it truly did make me giggle.
 I have also had it explained to me that being hair free makes for better oral sex which I'm sure is true but I can't help thinking about well, you know, stubble and regrowth.  And I am sure that with the proliferation of tongue piercings there is less trouble with those  pesky hairs getting tangled but, oh my, I guess I just like things less complicated.

I guess it also helps that you, dear vagina, are fairly sparsely haired to begin with and from the bottom of my heart I am grateful for that.

I would also like to thank you for delivering to me my three beautiful sons. You did a stand up job even though they were all blessed with incredibly large heads. You bounced back really well. I guess all those kegel exercises paid off over the years and now that I have my Kegelmaster  its like you are brand new again

Now that Hubby and I are taking time to practise Orgasmic Meditation  I have developed an even deeper love for you ( oh and hubby too!) . So thank you dear vagina, for being such an awesome part of my body and my life.

Love your body - it's where you LIVE!

Do you remember the story of Peter Pan? Whenever a child said they didn't believe in fairies a fairy would die.

I believe the same thing happens to us. Every time we say how much we hate a part of our bodies a small part of us dies, on the inside.

It is a constant, negative spiral of self hate. all around me I see the most gorgeous women and they say to me "Oh I couldn't be naked in front of my husband" or "I hate my thighs" or "If I just lost 10 pounds I would be happy"

Did you feel it? Did you feel the negative impact of that inside your body?

I did.

 It is like a slow, imperceptible wilting. A withering of that internal flame that is your self confidence.Slowly but surely it becomes dimmer and dimmer until one day it is snuffed out altogether and all you are left with is self loathing.

Not pretty.

Now we blame the media, and it sure does have a lot to answer for, but it's also our internal dialogue that is doing the damage. Every cell in your body ( and there is over a trillion of them!) is listening to every thought that you think, every word that you say and  sees every negative look that you give yourself in the mirror.


You are your own worst enemy and it is time to STOP!

Start loving yourself from the inside out NOW! Not when you lose weight or start exercising or give up smoking or can fit into those perfect jeans. NOW!

Because now is when your life is happening. Now is when you get to make the memories. Now is all that you have.

Do you really want to waste your one precious life ( ok if you believe in reincarnation you might have more who knows?)  WAITING?

When I was younger and skinnier I was a complete bitch ( I know ! Hard to believe right? ) I would sneer at fat people on the beach and wonder who they thought they were wearing bathing costumes and swimming ( I cringe now but I was young and vain and shallow. Oh and also not at all happy with my own body) so when I became fat ( or voluptuous as I prefer to call it) there was no way I would be caught dead in a bathing suit at the beach. Instead I gave up swimming. And I LOVED swimming ( well splashing about really)

Who did that hurt? Yup only me. Because ( wait for it, this is the newsflash!) NOBODY ELSE CARES WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE! (Read that again . Take as many times as you like . I'll wait). When this finally sunk into my brain, I bought myself a swimsuit and started swimming again. I didn't realise quite how much I had missed it and now I just think about all the long, hot summers I sat watching everyone else swim. Not any more!

They are too busy worrying about there own lumps and bumps and perceived imperfections to worry about how you look!! ( I KNOW! I can hear your mind being blown from here)

So whatever thing it is that you have been putting off doing until the magic day came when you were finally the right size, the right shape and all parts of you looked exactly like one of those gorgeous  (fake, photo shopped, plastic surgery enhanced ) models ( who are starving and long for nothing more than a decent meal) GO DO IT!

If you are worried about being naked in front of your husband please just realise he LOVES you, all of you, the wrinkles, the bumps, the stretchmarks that you got from birthing his children, the saggy boobs (see the last phrase), the cellulite and because love is blind , he doesn't even really notice them. When you show up naked for him he is delighted because he gets to see all of you and touch you and lick you and grope you and he LOVES it!

If you are newly, back in the dating game and worried about all of the above and how men will look at you  I SWEAR, hand on my heart, by the time you get naked with a guy all he is thinking is "Naked woman in my bed, I am so getting laid tonight"and that's it!!!

Get comfy with your bod, it's where you live. I bet you are far more understanding of your BFF's flaws than you are of your own so become your own best friend. Next time you look in the mirror talk to your reflection like you are your best friend.
A while ago I wrote on my mirror with lipstick "Good morning gorgeous! I love you". Waking up to that everyday helps me feel good about myself . I also give thanks for all my body does for me , every day.
Try it for yourself and see how much better you feel.






If you would like help getting comfortable in your own skin, or developing a better relationship with yourself or would like to deepen your existing relationship with your partner click here

Things I've learned about domestic violence

Things I learned before I was 7:

(1) Keep your head down

As far as anyone knows we are a nice, normal family ( that's me on the end)

(2) Don't make eye contact

(3) Be a good girl

(4) Beatings happen at school too so it must be normal

(5) How to read body language so you can gauge the mood of everyone in a room

(6)  How to read the vibration in the home so you know whether to venture out of your room

(7) Be quiet

(8) Make yourself small

(9) The house feels different when dad is not around

(10) Anger is not ok

Things I learned in in my teens:

(1) Leave home as soon as you can ( my brother left when I was 13 and he never had much to do with the rest of us after that)

(2)  Leaving can be dangerous (when my eldest sister tried to leave home Dad broke her boyfriends nose - she left anyway)

(3) Even if the guy looks and seems nothing like you father, he might be exactly the same

(4) Emotional and psychological abuse leave no physical marks

(5) Being called a "whore"by your father never really leaves you

(6) Marrying a guy covered in tattoos, wears leathers and chains probably not the smartest decision you'll ever make.

Things I learned in my twenties: 

First child before I was 21

(1) Moving away from home is still not far enough

(2) Moving to be near his family not a great idea

(3) Isolation means you have no escape

(4) Being called a "bitch"often enough bounces off you after awhile

(5) Just because he married you doesn't mean he will stand up for you against (a) his family or (b) his friends. You really are on your own

(6)  When you finally leave him  your father will say "I never liked him anyway" and "All (insert husbands surname here) are bastards anyway" in front of your children who bear that name and when you point this out replies "Well we'll  just have to see how they turn out"

(7) You are stronger than you realise

(8) You are  more like your father than you realise

(9) Apologising to your kids when you yell to loud or (still makes me cringe) when you hit them (only once but still makes me feel ill) means you are actually better and more loving than your father ever was

Things I learned in my thirties:
 (1) even after you leave he will make you feel small and useless as a mother

Me with my three sons

(2) All the justifications that you have made for the violence when you were young are not true - it wasn't just until I was8, it affected all of us and lots of fathers work hard but aren't violent

(3) All the anger you have stored inside you will start to leak out and your kids will say you are an angry person

(4) Your kids will also know how much that they  are loved because you will tell them daily and hug them too

(5) You can find love again , with a great man

Things I learned in my forties:
(1) Healing takes time

(2) Embracing your shadow, realising that you are angry too takes all the power away from it

(3) Letting go of anger and resentment and forgiving yourself is a lifetime of work and is totally worth it

(4) Facing up to your family and letting them know how the violence affected you will mean that you lose your family of birth because they are still totally immersed in denial. Getting ok with that will take time.

(5) Finding your soul family will be the most healing of all

(6) Loving yourself is vital

My wedding, with all of our kids (one missing)

(7) Blending a family together takes time but is worth it.

(8) Seeing your kids grow into awesome men and beautiful women means the cycle can be broken and that LOVE wins






Things I know: 

(1) - (10) Violence is never ok.

If you are experiencing violence in your home please take action. Talk to someone, anyone because it is more common than you realise and people will help you if you let them. There is no shame involved, it happens in all walks of life and it can be life threatening. Nobody deserves it, no matter what the perpetrator says.

It's not polite

My mother is a proper Englishwoman. I learnt very early on that there are some things that you just don't do.

 You never ask a woman her age. You never discuss religion, politics or money. And as far as sex goes you lie back and think of England.

Photo thanks to http://www.2cuk.co.uk/uk-flag/

Nice girls don't enjoy sex.
That was the message I got loud and clear as I was growing up.
Sex is dirty and distasteful. Something to be endured not enjoyed.

When I was 25 I was married with two children and was visiting my parents when my mother commented that I was too old to be wearing a mini skirt.   My eldest sister was also wearing one which I pointed out but that was ok because she was single. You see I wasn't too old I was just "off the market" so I didn't need to dress sexy any more.
Hmmm , so not only do good girls not enjoy sex they aren't allowed to dress sexy either.

Photo from Mamamia.com.au

Now I know I'm not the only one getting that message.

 In fact most  people are raised with the same guidelines. We fear telling our kids that sex is fun and enjoyable in case they race out and become promiscuous.  Sadly what we end up doing us giving them conflicting messages around sex and sexuality which leaves them confused and sexually repressed.

On the one hand we use sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars, children's toys are more and more sexualised ( hello Bratz dolls!), you can buy push bras for girls before their bodies are even contemplating growing breasts, music videos stop just short of full in nudity and yet at the same time kids are getting the message that sex is bad and only nasty, cheap girls are interested in it. What is wrong with this picture?? Quite a lot actually!!

The important thing to show our kids is that touching; hugging, kissing and general affection, are a normal part of an adult relationship. That their parents being affectionate and snugly with each other is not something to be hidden or kept behind closed doors. Yes, they will get to an age where they will be grossed out. Guess what? That is a normal part of growing up but what you are teaching them is invaluable. 

Sex is a normal, healthy part of a relationship so lets stop giving our kids the impression that it is something that should be hidden. It is when it becomes hidden that problems arise. It is when it is hidden and deemed dirty that kids feel conflicted about the urges that start moving through their body as a normal part of growing up. It is when it is hidden that children feel that they cannot discuss it with their parents and they don't know what to do so they turn to their friends for the information that they so desperately need.

Talk to your kids, be affectionate with them all the way through their growing years. Don't just stop because they reach a certain age, that is when they need you more than ever and sometimes a hug from their parents is just what they need. Let them see you being affectionate with your partner so they know that its acceptable to want to touch and hug people that you care for.
Keeping all the channels of communication open, even touch, makes the transition through puberty easier. trust me I've been on the other side where touch and sex were taboo and it wasn't fun.

Good bush, Bad Bush

 I am talking about pubic hair. Why? Because for some reason, that is still unclear to me, we now feel like we have to remove every hair from our body except for those on our head. Every other hair though is somehow suspect and best ripped from the body after covering in with wax.

Reading articles such as this tend to confirm my view that its all a bit wrong ( just my opinion folks). The one ( and only ) time I shaved my pubic hair was in my early twenties and seeing myself returned to that prepubescent state was just a bit icky.
I am a WOMAN not a girl and I choose to look like a woman.

And then there is the fact that pubic hair is there for a reason ( You can read stories  here and here )
Yes, that tuft of fluff that covers your mons is there for a reason. Its not just a decoration or something to be shaped, dyed or trimmed into submission.

Frankly, I blame Barbie  and her hairless  approximation of womanhood that we all seem to grow up with and want to emulate. We have been brainwashed into believing that being hairless is a woman's natural state.
The sad thing is that young men are also being brainwashed into thinking that hair is 'dirty' and needs to be removed.

Are we becoming more and more, hairless, sexless drones?  It seems like we are. we have males modelling as females here and females modelling as males here.

How about we start accepting that women grow hair on other places than their heads and be comfortable with that? How about we stop trying to emulate porn stars, or feeling that we have to be completely bare for reasons of cleanliness? Really ? Are we still convinced that our vagina's are somehow inherently dirty?
And could we please stop comparing it to plants that need to be trimmed like this commercial for women's razors http://youtu.be/bfzI_NcET-c

How do you feel about your pubic hair? Do you go bare or barely there?

Uh oh! Menopause

Menopause. The one word that is likely to strike fear into any women of a certain age.

Society has been telling us that youth is where its at, that only the young are beautiful. So we have been trying to turn back time ( who sang a little Cher when they read that? yeah , me too!). Exercising our butts off, slathering on the latest anti wrinkle cream and eating anti aging foods.

But then menopause leapt out of the ethers and descended upon us. For some this means  night sweats, hot flashes, vaginal dryness and painful intercourse. If you read the popular magazines they imply that it is the majority of women that go through all these painful symptoms but that is not the case. Yes, some women do experience them but not the majority. some women may have some of these symptoms for a short while and some may breeze through it with barely a hot flash.

I am lucky enough to be in the latter group but I have been preparing for menopause since I was in my thirties. Why? well, because none of that sounded pleasant and I wanted to enjoy the freedom of finally having no periods to deal with.

I started by taking Maca and it has become my best friend throughout the whole experience. I also drink lots of water every day and eat a diet full of fruit and vegetables and low on processed foods. The biggest step though has been learning to love myself and that has been the hardest journey and the most rewarding.
I also avoid xenoestrogens by not storing food in plastic or microwaving foods in plastic

First, lets talk about Maca. It is a cruciferous vegetable, grown in South America that  helps balance the hormones in males and females. It also helps boost your energy levels, increases stamina, supports the adrenals and supplies your body with all the B group vitamins and a host of other vitamins and minerals. Did I mention it boost your libido too? You can take it either in powder form or in tablets. I prefer the powder so I can regulate my own dose and add it to smoothies. ( in the next issue of my newsletter I will give you some delicious ways to add it to your diet - go sign up now!).

Secondly, drink lots of water........ and then go drink some more! Did you know dehydration plays a large part in lack of lubrication? Well now you do  - go have a drink now. Seriously! I'll wait......... there now doesn't that feel better?

Lubrication can become an issue during menopause and if you don't believe its a problem just try going down a slide ..... naked.! Yup, not comfy at all! So you are drinking plenty of water and taking your maca and things are still a little ... dry? What next? Drum roll please.... try the Kegelmaster.

Kegelmaster

Now when I was about 15 I learnt about doing my pelvic floor exercises and then promptly forgot about them again until after baby number 1. Kegels are vital for keeping a good blood flow to the whole vaginal region and blood flow equals increased libido ( ask any man if you don't believe me) and increased lubrication. Trouble is most of us have been doing them wrong.
 ( Hands up if you clench you buttocks or tighten your thighs? Wrong!!!).
This nifty little gadget allows you to tighten against it so that you are exercising the muscles in the right way . You also get to add differing levels of resistance as your muscles gt strengthened.

If all else fails then using a lubricant like coconut oil can add to the fun. I use coconut oil because I know whats in it and I don't want any chemical nasties in my delicate areas plus it works as a great overall massage oil to add more sensory delights to the process. Coconut oil is also antibacterial, anti fungal and shhhhh , tastes good too! Win win win! The only down side is you can't use it with latex rubber.


Lastly, loving yourself is the best gift you can give you. No, you are never going to be young again but you have wisdom and beauty far beyond mere looks and now is the time to fully embrace them.

Oh libido where did you go?

I've written about it before and its likely I will write about it again... and again. Its a topic that seems to generate a lot of interest and we all have differing ideas on what a normal sex drive is and what it is not. Today I came across an old article from the Mamamia website on women who charge their husbands for sex, if they are not in the mood and he wants sex then hand over the money, honey. ( You can read it here http://www.mamamia.com.au/relationships/some-wives-get-paid-to-have-sex/)

Now I don't know about you but this just makes me sad. Where is the love? Where is the mutual respect? Where is the hot, burning desire for your partner?

I know that we can't all be on the same page at the same time and I know that as women we often have a lot on our plates. I am also sure that the men that we marry  love us and care for us on an emotional as well as a sexual level. I also know the damage that constant rejection has on a man.

We forget that we wield enormous power in our relationships, we can allow or deny our man sex. We can manipulate them with sex and often do ( even when we deny that it is what we are doing).

But we often overlook one important factor - men are emotional creatures just like us. When he is asking us for sex he is opening himself up to a need to connect with us on a different level, he is exposing his vulnerability, his weak spot. When we constantly bat him away we are, in essence, denying him our love. Think about that for a minute.

Maybe he is longing for a sense of closeness to you and the only way he knows to express that is through sex. Men are taught that it is "soft" to want hugs or kisses. Tare taught, repeatedly, through mainstream media that all men want is sex and as women we are programmed to believe the same. We become wary of him touching us because we assume that means he has sex on the brain.

My darling husband was repeatedly called a "horny old goat"by his ex wife. She believed he was only ever after one thing. Now, he could have been an entirely different man then to the one I know now. AllI know is he longs for intimacy and touch and he touches me .... a lot. We sit holding hands to watch tv, he massages my feet or strokes my legs or lies with his head in my lap every night. Does that mean we have sex every night ? No, it means that he loves to feel connected to me through touch.

So how do you connect with your partner so that you both get your needs met?  Having a conversation with your partner is the best place to start. Make sure to really LISTEN to what he has to say. Keep your heart open and drop the defensiveness, Look into his eyes and pay attention and ask that he does the same. Talk aobut your feelings without resorting to "You make me feel..."You should..."etc

What if you just have lost your mojo all together? You are just never in the mood and sex seems like just a chore?
Remember it is your sex drive and it is up to you to reboot it again.
How? Take some time to connect with yourself again, find out what turns you on. Is it the spoken word? Then check out Ear Erotica HERE

Is it he written word? Then check out some erotic fiction such as the Fifty Shades of Grey series.

Still not feeling the tingle? Book yourself in for a massage, spend some time connecting with your girlfriends, go to the movies. Remember what it was like to have time to yourself . Pamper yourself.

Or maybe your  sex life has become just a little run of the mill and you are bored out of your mind. Take control and change your attitude - don't leave it all up to him. Buy yourself some sexy underwear and do a slow reveal for him, send him saucy text to get him revved up and to build the anticipation for both of you.

Ask yourself "What would my Inner Sex goddess do? " then go do that!!

Your sex drive is in your hands - literally! Have a party in your own pants

The Big O

Lets talk about orgasms.


Women regularly fake orgasms.

I've never personally understood this phenomenon.

To me if your partner is not taking the time to stimulate you properly  then it is your job to show him or teach him how to do the job properly. Faking it robs you both of the sensual pleasures of love making. Stop it at once!

If you watch any love scene in the movies  ( or porn....especially porn!), you are under the false impression that women will ( a) orgasm at the drop of the hat (b) orgasm through penetration only.

This is true - for a very small minority of the population. A mere 20 % of women can be brought to orgasm through penetration alone.

Twenty per cent!!

 That is not a significant number  but if you happen to be one of the lucky ones - congratulations. The fabulous Jill Hamilton of In Bed with married Women wrote an awesome blog on the "science"  of orgasms and you can read it here

There have been articles written about the G spot and whether or not it exists ( read it  here )

We are told that there are three types of orgasm; clitoral, vaginal and blended (read it here)  or according to other articles I have read anything from 7 to 9 differing types of orgasm.

 Are you starting to feel the pressure? Do you feel you could be missing out?

If you are spending time faking orgasms so as to ( a) not disappoint your partner, (b) make him hurry up and finish already or (c) just because then yes, you are definitely missing out. And guess what? So is your partner!

If you are regularly having orgasms, any kid of orgasm  then congratulations!

Here are ten good reasons to increase the number of orgasms that you are having  and if that's not enough inspiration for you consider this: The more sex you have the more your body wants it and the sexier you feel inside and out. As we age our sex drive can diminish and sex keeps everything in working order.

For females, as we go through menopause, our vagina's can suffer from dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls. The best remedy for this is regular sex. This will keep a good blood supply to the vaginal area thereby assisting with lubrication and thinning. The worst thing to do is to stop having sex! Once that happens the symptoms get worse which leads to the catch 22 of not wanting sex due to lack of lubrication because you are not having sex.

For males, as you age your erections become less firm and the refractory time between them becomes longer. Guess what? The less sex you are having the less firm your erections will become and the lower your sex drive.

Use it or lose it is a very real statement when it comes to sex and desire.

I am woman - hear me Roar!

I was reading  an article in The Sydney Morning Herald today ( you can read it here ) where the author attended a charity even featuring two female athletes. After the women had done their piece the MC, a male comedian proceeded to make some sexual innuendos about them.

No-one complained.

No-one left.

The author asked : Who will stand up and declare themselves the wowser, to draw the line and possibly alienate friends and colleagues?

And as he ( I'm assuming its a he, the name is Sam so could be female) goes on

 I attended a second charity dinner recently. The guest of honour this time was one of Australia's most handsome international male actors. When a walk on the red carpet with the star was auctioned, one table of women jokingly offered $50,000 if the date continued until the next morning (wink, wink).

 

And he's right. Women are not the only one's turned into sex objects. We do get it more often than men. We suffer through cat calls and wolf whistles on a daily basis. Men often talk to our chest not our faces.

BUT ( and its a big but) We do the same. we gathered in groups to attend the movie Magic Mike to drool over the hot, male bodies on display. Male strip shows are places where women let their hair down and paw at the strippers. In fact its well known that women man handle the strippers in ways that would never be tolerated at a female strip show.

The line is not only wiggly but also very blurred.

We cannot take the moral high ground while we are treating men in the very way that we denounce.

We cannot blame men for treating us like sex objects while at the same time ordering the latest Fireman's calendar so we have something to drool over.

Are we ready to draw the line in the sand and state: This is not acceptable for either sex to do?

We've tried the "If you can't beat them, join them" theory and nothing has changed. In fact , if anything, opinions have become more entrenched with both sides going "well, they are doing it too so it must be ok"

When I was a lot younger and married to my first husband one of his friends regularly made sexual innuendos towards me on a regular basis. No-one said anything, including my husband.

These were not veiled commnets. These were in your face, threatening statements made about me in front of all our friends (and trust me I am using the term very loosely). These statemnts made me question the very foundation of our marriage and his lack of support for me. Ultimately I left him.

Years later I asked him why he never stood up for me and he replied "I figured you could stand up for yourself."which I found very telling.

I guess my point is if we don't want to be treated tlike sex objects then we have to stand up for ourselves and walk out of events when woman are being made into sex objects. It starts with us. We cannot sit back and wait for someone to protect us or stand up for us. That person is us.

As for what people will think of us if we do, well that is their issue isn't it?

Raising gorgeous boys

  I am a mother of three sons.

I am a step mother to four daughters.

I am a grandmother to seven grandsons and two grand daughters

It hurts my heart to know how many boys suffer from depression during there teenage years. Sadly, many of them go on to commit suicide.

Some use drinking and driving as a means of shortening their lives. Others use drugs or huffing. Some find the pain of being alive so unbearable that they take extreme measures to end their lives.


One of the greatest gifts we can give our sons is our time.

One of my sons suffered through a bout of depression and I would often just go and sit in his room, not talking, not trying to get him to talk. Just allowing the space for him to talk if he chose too but content either way to just be with him and for him to be with me.

I have always made it a practise to hug my sons and tell them how much I love them, regardless of their age, or how uncool it was and,bless them  they always hugged me back and said "I love you too Mum." even when it was not cool.

Sadly, some parents stop hugging their kids when they reach a certain age.

I remember clearly when my father stopped hugging me. Every night I went and sat on my Dads lap and gave him a hug and a kiss good night. When I was around 11 he picked me up off his lap and told me I was too big for that now. I was devastated and refused to even kiss him goodnight for days.

I realise now that I was probably starting to develop breasts and he felt it inappropriate to have me on his lap. How sad. I was his daughter and he was the only means of male affection in my life. It is never inappropriate to hug your kids or show them affection.

Yes, some people are sick and twisted and inappropriate with their kids. Most are not. Don't refrain from hugging or being affectionate with your children in fear that "someone" will misconstrue it. that is political correctness gone mad and has no place in your home.

Our kids look to us to learn how to be in a relationship. They look to us to learn how to express emotions. They look to us for support and nurturing throughout their lives and our job is to let them know that they are loved, unconditionally regardless of the choices they make or the lifestyles they pursue. They need to know that we are proud of them, of who they have become.

We say that we want our men to be different in this world. That we want them to be more in touch with their softer side, more open and vulnerable with us. We say we want them to be strong and virile and yet soft and gentle.
                                                                    
                                                                                         It starts by raising gorgeous boys, by allowing them to cry, by teaching them the names for their emotions and allowing them to express them all. It starts by hugging our children all the way through their lives and telling them repeatedly how much we love them.

My son came out of his depression and is living a great life and I still tell him how much he means to me when he rings home or when I see him. I do this with all of my sons and daughters. I am so proud of them all and the lives that they are leading and yes, I tell them that too.

Who do you need to reach out to and hug? Who would love to hear you say "I love you" ?

For the world to be the delicious, loving place that we dream of we need to start reaching out and saying those magic words and hugging each other. So get to it! Go hug someone now!!

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Tender Touch

Human beings need to be touched.

We crave it.

We yearn for it.

Psychologist Virgina Satir broke it down for us. She said that we need:

4 hugs a day for survival
8 hugs a day for maintenance  and
12 hugs a day for growth.

Think about that for a minute.

Then ask yourself  "how many hugs have I given today and how many have been given to me?"


I subscribe to an email  from Cheryl Richardson and today's offering was a doozy (you can read it here ). she tells the story of a listener of hers that she happened to meet at a conference and she gave him a hug. He then posted this to her facebook page:
“Meeting you yesterday and watching you work was profound. I am not normally the kind of person who gets emotional upon meeting a public figure, but as strange as it sounds, seeing you yesterday for the first time ever, the feeling came over me was the feeling one might feel upon seeing a beloved, favorite, loving aunt, lol. I don’t believe I’ve been hugged in 3 years. 
There were so many wonderful things I could say or reminisce about this weekend but I guess there are only really two words that will suffice.  THANK YOU! ;-)“

The saddest part is that he hadn't been hugged for three years. 3 YEARS!!

Now I am a very touchy, feely person and I cannot even begin to imagine what that would feel like.

I hug people on a regular basis. Its part of who I am. I will hug you when you arrive at my house and I will hug you when you leave. My husband knows that hugs are like breathing to me so he  gives me lots  and lots and lots of them.
When we first got together this was not part of who he was and he soon learned that this needed to change. I also got him hugging his daughters, my sons and his family.

His family were not huggy people and again they soon learned that I was. Now his mother and father know that they will get hugged when I arrive and when I leave and they now look forward to it.I know his father actually loves it and looks forward to it and will even ask for it if I have gotten caught up in conversation and not given him one when I arrive.

When this video came out it became a YouTube sensation and has been copied by hundreds of people around the world. Why? Because watching it makes you feel good. It restores your faith in humanity.

Many people refrain from hugging or any other touching  because they worry that others will assume they want sex. Women, in particular, shy away from touching their partners because they are concerned that he will take it as an open invitation to sex.
This makes me so sad for two reasons; (1) so what if it does lead to sex? Your husband still thanks you are hot and wants to have sex with you. Congratulations!
(2) you are depriving yourself of an intimate moment  "in case" someone gets the wrong idea. If they do get the wrong idea you can always set them straight but in the mean time you have fed your soul with the warmth of anothers touch. Woohoo!

Seriously people lets get out there and hug up a storm.Start with your family. I hugged my sons all through their awkward teenage years and they needed it. they needed to know that I still loved them. I was also showing them that hugging doesn't always lead to sex, that you can be close and intimate with people without expectation of something more. I also told them I loved them EVERY. SINGLE.DAY!!

So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get out there and start hugging. Your friends. Your kids. Your husband. Your wife. Your parents. Go to it!!

Sexy at any age.

I was reading an article over at Mamamia ( you can read it here) about Pamela Stephenson admitting to plastic surgery, breast implants and botox so she "could look like a babe"

Now I believe everyone is entitled to do what they want with their body, it just saddens me that we are still so  obsessed with looking "young" and lets face it we aren't fooling anyone.

The too tight faces with the wrinkly neck, the dyed brown hair at odds with the rest of the body, the overly pert, round breasts on the stick thin frame ( Hello Victoria Beckham!).

Nobody is buying it. We all know what you are doing and why.

Some of the truly sexy, older women in the acting field are those who have done nothing. Think Helen Mirren , Meryl Streep, Sigourney Weaver and Judi Dench to name a few.

They know that true beauty shines out from within you.

True beauty has little to do with numbers on a scale, your dress size or the colour of your hair.

True beauty is being able to look in the mirror and say "I love you" and mean it.

Loving your body, the place that you live, the place that holds your essence, the very thing that gives you life. truly what is there not to love?

Ahh and when you love that place, then you can walk through this world with your head held high and know that age can not diminish the beauty that is YOU.

NOTHING is sexier than a woman who loves her body, who is proud of the stretch marks and her sagging breasts because it means she has brought new life into this world. Nothing is sexier than a woman comfortable in her own skin, revelling in her own sensuality.

Ladies, get comfortable with who you are. Get comfortable with how you look. Accept the fact that there will always be someone younger, prettier, someone with a tighter body. What they lack is the wisdom and life experiences that you have that make you uniquely you.

Life is not a competition or a race to be one. It is an experience to savour, a juicy adventure to live.

We waste our youth wishing that we were old enough to go out partying, or drinking. Wishing that some cute boy would ask us to the dance. Then when we  are old enough for those things we start longing for the simplicity of youth when we didn't have responsibilities, bills to pay, jobs to go to. when we are older still we wish that we still had that tight, pert, young body.

Lets tell a new story. Lets embrace wherever we are on the aging spectrum and look for the positives. Lets not hide the fact that we are getting older. with age comes, maturity, wisdom and freedom. Freedom from having to give a damn about what anyone else thinks. Freedom to be who you are without apology.

Now that my nest is empty I can relax into just being a couple with my darling, something that we missed earlier as we both came into the relationship with children. Now we can enjoy just being the two of us and it is pure heaven. Do I wish that I still had the body I did when I was 30? Hell yeah! But I am grateful that I still have the body I've got..... it means I'm still here, still alive and looking for more juicy adventure to live.

Losing my libido!

We've all had times when our sex drive seems to have disappeared over the horizon never to be seen again.

Our sex drive is like the ocean. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes you and your darling are going at it like rabbits and then , for some inexplicable reason, something changes and days go by with barely a flicker of lust in either of you.


Unfortunately for some people  the drought never seems to break and before they know it, weeks, months and even years have slipped by.

What can you do to bring some life back into your sex life?

How do you reboot your libido?

First of all realise it happens to everyone, every now and then

Secondly realise that its not the end of the world and know that the fact you have noticed means that there must be some spark still there.

Thirdly ask how you got so busy that sex became something that you just let slide? There could be deeper things happening in your relationship if it has been months or years since you connected.

So how do you keep the spark alive?

Just like anything else it takes commitment and time and effort. Consistency is the key. It is always easier to keep something going than to reboot it from scratch.

Text, call or make a small gesture EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. To show your partner how much they men to you.

Talk. Not just in generalities "Hi honey how was your day?" but "what did you learn today? " 

Listen. Really listen. Connect with your eyes and give your partner your complete attention.

Touch. Touch their hand, their butt, stroke their back as you pass by. Massage their feet. Stroke their hair.


Hubby and I just had five days away from home to go and visit our new grandson. Its a seven hour drive to where my son lives so we had lots of time to talk in the car.

As we were staying at a motel we decided to play one of our favorite games: "Talk dirty to me". The basis of this game is to drive each other to distraction during the trip so that by the time we get to our destination we are primed and ready to go!

It also gives us great memories to use for more sex  play. We can just mention a road trip or a destination and we are instantly on the same wavelength and people around us are completely oblivious of the undercurrent between us.

Relationships require maintenance, just like a car or any other machinery.  And just like a car, if you hit a rough patch, take it in for a check up with an expert here. The trouble is we have all been fed the ".... and they both lived happily ever after." line and when things get rough we assume its because the relationship is broken beyond repair or "She/he doesn't love me anymore" . In actual fact you and your partner have just got lazy, have stopped doing routine maintenance on your relationship and hoped that it would look after itself.

NEWSFLASH! Relationships require regular check ups. If you want to keep the romance alive, keep fanning the flame. Don't wait until the embers have gone cold and then wonder what happened.

What fuel can you add to your fire today?

What is one small romantic gesture that you can make to your partner that will convey "You are sexy and hot and I want to do naughty things to you?"

What are your favourite ways to keep romance alive?  Leave me a comment . I would love to hear from you.

Lets talk about sex...

I don't know about you but I want hot, juicy,noisy, passionate sex not bland "quiet so we don't wake the kids"sex.

I want can't quite catch my breath, ecstatic sex.

I want to meet my partner completely open, open and free from inhibitions and be met the same way.

I want long, slow languorous sex that leave my knees quivering and my body spent.

I want hot, hard lusty sex.

I want soft, melding, melting into each others bodies sex.

I want my husband to know which kind of sex I want just by looking deeply into my eyes.

Yeah, right! That ain't going to happen.

BUT....... if I can open myself fully into the present moment, drop my guards and ....... just tell him? Ahhh that's a different story.

Then the magic can happen...... and does!

So how do we get to that magical place of feeling comfortable enough to say "that's too hard...... don't stop baby.... just a bit longer  ..... oooohhh just over there a bit more." ?

First we have to KNOW what it is that we like and the best way to do that is via the "m"word. Yes masturbation is your best friend. How can anyone else know how your body works if you have no clue? Get comfy with your own body, find the strokes that you like, the pace that you like, the amount of lube you like.

Second, realise that your partner WANTS to please you. They want to do all that they can in anyway that they can to bring you to ecstasy so it would be kind of rude to have that information and not tell them...... wouldn't it?

Thirdly, ask them what they like and then ( if its in the realms of possibility for you) do it for them!


The only way any of us gets better at sex is through communication. If we can be open with our partners on this level it will create a bond of mutual trust and respect that will move well past the bedroom walls. Our whole relationship will deepen.

Talking about sex doesn't have to be hard and talking during sex should almost be compulsory. Men are visual creatures but women create pictures in our minds with words. Start talking  sexy to us and we will start to go weak at  the knees.

There are two rules for great sexy talk;    Song Lets talk about sex
(1) Leave your inhibitions at the bedroom door
and
(2) Be your sexy, erotic self.

That's it. If you start getting into your head "What will they think? Am I going too far? Will she think I'm a pervert? " you will suck all the fun out of it.

Sure the first few times you try you both might get a fit of the giggles but once you find your own inner sexy beast there will be no holding you back.

Just as you guys get turned on by our ooohhs and ahhs we get turned on by hearing you tell us all the delicious things you want to do to us.

Good sex becomes great sex when you both know what the other likes through good communication. Great sex become mind blowingly great sex when sex talk becomes part of the mix and moans of ecstasy are loud enough to wake the neighbours.

If you are looking for some inspiration check out Ear Erotica here

Love your Labia, Ladies

Vulva.

Vagina.


Labia.

Pusssy.


Girly bits.

Fanny.


Whatever you call it, these are the names for our most feminine appendage and just as we have been getting breast implants or breast reductions to have the "perfect" breast, it seems now we have shifted our focus to having the perfect labia.

Labiaplasty is the fastest growing plastic surgery in the UK and possibly the USA as well. We are now paying to have someone slice into our labia to reshape them into what we deem "perfect".

Jamie McCartney's Great Wall of Vagina

Our body insecurity seems to know no bounds. We are no longer content with wanting to shift a few pounds to fit into some socially prescribed ideal body size, or getting breast implants to have the right size breasts, now it seems we have started to worry about the size of our labia too, a part of our body that very few people even see.

So who are we comparing ourselves too? Women don't go around showing each other their vulva's and we don't get to see them when undressing after sports the way men see each others penises. So how are we getting the idea that our lady parts are somehow not right?

With the advent of the Internet, pornography is more readily available than it has ever been and so we are now comparing ourselves to women on those sites.

The rise in Brazilian waxing has also had the lady parts out on display in ways it has never been before. All that this does is make us look more like a prepubescent girl.

Our vagina's and labia change as we age and after we have children but with the hair removal and labiaplasty we are trying desperately to hold onto your youth. But just how young do we want to make ourselves look? And why?

The one ( and only!) time I ever shaved my pubic hair I was horrified that I no longer looked like a woman but instead looked like I did at 13. I didn't feel womanly or sexy. I felt immature and girlish. I have spoken to some women who regularly get waxed and they tell me it makes them feel "clean" and I can't help thinking this somehow means "virginal".

If we are to embrace our true womanliness and to feel like strong, empowered, sexual beings then, in my mind, we need to start by loving all of our bodies, loving our hairy underarms, legs and vulva's. We have to stop buying into the religious and tribal beliefs that somehow women are unclean and that sex is dirty. We have to stop believing that we smell.

Western women have the luxury of choice in so many matters; how we dress, who we marry, whether we work or not, how many children we have, the list goes on and on. Genital mutilation is a very real and very present threat for women in many cultures and many countries. Lets not choose to mutilate our own genitals for the sake of some idea of beauty.

Most men, when asked, would not discriminate against having sex with a woman just because of her labia. In fact if they have got this up close and personal with you, chances are they are just grateful to be having sex with a gorgeous woman. If he didn't think you were a beautiful,amazing woman you wouldn't have got this far. If he is so crass as to comment on the size and shape of your labia or suggest that you wax then you have just discovered some valuable information about him. He is in fact a douche and you can save yourself a lot of heartache by never seeing him again and waiting instead for a real man to come along.

Real men love you for WHO you are not WHAT you look like. Strong , sexy, empowered sex goddesses know this and attract just such men.

Go and watch the documentary The Perfect Vagina

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Top Ten Tips to Improve Your Sex Life - Guaranteed Part 2

 For Him;


So now that the girls know what to do to help keep the guys interested, what can the guys do to guarantee they get more sex?
 We  know that women are a wee bit more complex than men when it comes to sex so lets look at some simple steps you can take to help her feel more in the mood and more often
(1) Notice her.
Women love it when you notice that they've had their hair done or done something different with their make up or are wearing a new outfit. You see we are doing a lot of that stuff to help keep you interested in us and if you give us a compliment it means that its working, it means that you are really paying attention to US and we like that.

The very first time I got my eyebrows shaped and tinted I thought to my self "I wonder how long it will take my darling to notice?". I was pleasantly surprised that he noticed as soon as he walked through the door. I shouldn't have been because he really LOOKS at me, not just a quick glance but  eye to eye contact and I feel it in his gaze that he loves me. That's what you want your lady to feel too.

(2) Tell her that you love her.

For no reason at all. Just tell her. You guys may be visual but girls are wordy. We need to hear the words spoken out loud. I know you are showing us everyday but we need to hear it too.

(3) Touch her.

Women need ten ( yes 10!) non sexual touches a day. Give her a hug before you leave for work and another as soon as you walk through the door. Hold hands while watching tv, stroke her back as she's passing you. It's not hard to do and we love it.  The more touching you do before we hit the bedroom the more likely we are to be in the mood when we get there.

Lets face it women are slow burners, so think of touching us as stoking the fire.

(4) The 10 second kiss.

We love kissing. If touching stokes the fire then kissing is adding even more fuel to it.

We are not talking about a swift peck on the cheek here though.

We want lip locking, tongue tangling, juicy kissing.

One great ten second kiss will make our knees weak and our hearts melt and we will be putty in your hands. And if we could have one of those  a day please, we would be very grateful, thank you very much.

(5)Gratitude.

Thank her for the dinner she just made you.

 Thank her for having your clothes clean and ready to wear tomorrow.

Thank her for running that errand for you during the day, when she probably had a million other little jobs to do.

If you thank her on a regular basis for all the little jobs she does for her it means you are not taking her for granted. When we slide into the murky waters of taking someone for granted we are often on the slippery slope of not noticing them, then comes only noticing the things they do that bother you and before you know it you are in the divorce courts wondering what the hell happened.

Make gratitude a habit and she will feel noticed, cared for and loved. Best of all she will also feel more like making love because she knows how much she means to you. Win/ Win.

(6) Call her a goddess.

The more you make her feel like she is something special the sexier she will feel.End of story.

(7) Call her gorgeous.

My husband worked next door to where I lived and before we even started going out I would see him most mornings as I went about my daily routine and whenever he saw me he would call out "Good morning gorgeous" and, just like she said in the movie "Jerry Maguire",  he had me at hello.

Most women have some issue with their body but if you tell her how beautiful she is everyday, slowly but surely she will start to feel more confident about how she looks. A confident women is a sexy women and if she knows it she will definitely let you know too.

(8) "I just called to say I love you."  ( I bet you just sang along to that didn't you?)

That's what Stevie Wonder sang in the 80's  and it still works today.

In fact you don't even need to tell her that you love her when you ring. Nope, just calling unexpectedly lets her know she was on your mind.

A sweet text will do the same thing but the sound of your voice will definitely make her melt more.

(9) Listen to her.

Look her in the eyes while she's talking to you. 

Yes, I do mean tear your eyes from the television screen and even better, put it on mute. Now she has your undivided attention. She is not necessarily looking for a solution but she does want to engage with you.

Women often complain that their men don't listen to them and it is generally because he's not paying attention while she talks. I you believe that her opinion matters then connect with her while she is talking to you.

(10) Take your time.

When we are making love don't race for the finish line. Good love making should be a marathon not a sprint.

Sprints are fine, every now and then but give us time to get in the race.  Slow and sensual is what we love the most.

All these tips have been about connecting on a daily level with your significant other. Helping them to feel cherished, loved and nurtured so that when you both step into the bedroom you are carrying that connection through into another aspect of your relationship.


What do you think ? What's your best tip to improving your sex life? I would love to hear your comments or even suggestions of what you'd like to read next.