Vagina, vagina, vulva

Ok so I know I've been talking about vaginas a lot and at the moment I am fuming to say the least.

I will not use euphemisms.

I will not  be saying ladygarden, pussy, fanny, vajayjay or whatever cutesy name is currently in vogue.

Why?

Because more and more I am seeing women being infantilised ( good word! very proud)  by the media, by movies and, what is worse, we seem to be playing along with it!

I read a recent article on Mamamia about the photoshopping of female genitalia in porn magazines in Australia. It seems the Australian government ( I don't know about any other countries as the article deals only with Australia but I am sure that it will be a Universal practise) likes nice, neat , "tidy" vaginas ( or vulvas. Whichever term you prefer).

Vaginas that do not  have labia minora on display.

Vaginas that have been "neatened"into a single cleft.

Vaginas that look more like something Barbie would have  were she to have a cleft at all.

Our vaginas, in their true form, are deemed too "offensive" for the classification board that rates the porn industry.

So what are women doing about it? Are we rising up and declaring that "our vaginas are perfectly ok thank you very much and leave your photoshopping tools on the desk" ?

Are we starting petitions about the adrogenising of our genitalia?

Are we screaming form the top of our lungs that we love our vaginas just the way they are?

NO!

We are waxing, lasering and getting surgery to CUT OFF OUR LABIA so that we fit this "acceptable"image.

We have done it with our bodies: we have had surgery to enhance our breast, liposuction to remove offending fat, starved so that we resemble  the models we see daily.

We have beaten ourselves up for our lack of self control for eating normal quantities of food.

We have purged and binged.

 We have felt like complete failures because we have tried and tried and tried to look like the models we see daily in the magazines and billboards. Images that the models themselves don not even look like once the photoshoppers tools have finished with them.

We have so lost sight of what a real women looks like that when we look in the mirror we are disgusted and appalled and ashamed with ourselves.
 
And now the same thing is being done with our most, intimate and sacred body part, our vagina.

And we are taking ourselves off to the plastic surgeons office, again, to try and achieve the perfect vagina.,  just like the ones in the magazines.

Even if we are not taking this extreme route it is seeping into our subconscious and make us feel less than whole, less than a woman. Just less.

Please, please please love your body. Know that who you are, how you look, all of you is enough exactly as it is today. Are you perfect? No but you are human. You have value, far, far beyond your looks.

You are unique and full of beauty.

Love yourself. All of yourself. Get comfortable with yourself - truly, it is the greatest gift you can give yourself.

Check out my book "The Goddess Guide To sex, Love and Life" for more advice on loving all of yourself.

Dear Vagina,

You seem to get a bad rap so I thought I would spend some time just hanging out with you today. Everybody seems to have an opinion about exactly how you should look which seems a tad unfair.  I think because you are tucked away and hidden most of the time that how you look is really a matter for you and your owner and everyone else should mind their own damned business but noooooo, they comment on the amount of hair that is there ( or not), what constitutes a reasonable covering for you ( g-string, bikini briefs, "granny pants")  and even how you should smell.

Personally I think you are AWESOME in whatever form you take. I guess our poor friend penis cops his fair share of flak too. Although that mostly seems to be an issue  of size which is crazy because, you, dear vagina, are truly very accommodating. If only the penis users had a shred of a clue of all the wondrous things that they could be doing with their penis ( and , lets face it, the rest of their bodily parts) to make up for any perceived deficiencies of their appendage, we would all be a lot happier and talk of being "too small"would disappear!

I did my best to save you from the bumblings of teenage boys in our youth. I truly did. I felt that we both deserved to lose our virginity to a more experienced man. Sadly, it turns out that age is not a decent indicator of experience!
Thankfully I developed better taste in men as we got older and you and I have become better friends.
I want to apologise for all the times I cursed you when really it was the uterus who was to blame and those pesky hormones. I don't want to dwell on that too much as thankfully, those days are behind us now
I also want to apologise for that one time that I shaved you.
Can we please just put it behind us? I think we were both deeply traumatised by it.
 As for the stories friends tell me about getting theirs waxed? Makes me shudder ( and yes, I can feel you wincing from here) just thinking about it. Some swear by it and tell me how sexy it makes them feel and if it works for them that's great!

All you ever wanted to know about your vajayjay

My friend, Sharon, has written a great book called "The Vagina Buffet" about her time as a Brazilian waxer and as the owner of a vagina. Its great read and parts of it truly did make me giggle.
 I have also had it explained to me that being hair free makes for better oral sex which I'm sure is true but I can't help thinking about well, you know, stubble and regrowth.  And I am sure that with the proliferation of tongue piercings there is less trouble with those  pesky hairs getting tangled but, oh my, I guess I just like things less complicated.

I guess it also helps that you, dear vagina, are fairly sparsely haired to begin with and from the bottom of my heart I am grateful for that.

I would also like to thank you for delivering to me my three beautiful sons. You did a stand up job even though they were all blessed with incredibly large heads. You bounced back really well. I guess all those kegel exercises paid off over the years and now that I have my Kegelmaster  its like you are brand new again

Now that Hubby and I are taking time to practise Orgasmic Meditation  I have developed an even deeper love for you ( oh and hubby too!) . So thank you dear vagina, for being such an awesome part of my body and my life.

Love your body - it's where you LIVE!

Do you remember the story of Peter Pan? Whenever a child said they didn't believe in fairies a fairy would die.

I believe the same thing happens to us. Every time we say how much we hate a part of our bodies a small part of us dies, on the inside.

It is a constant, negative spiral of self hate. all around me I see the most gorgeous women and they say to me "Oh I couldn't be naked in front of my husband" or "I hate my thighs" or "If I just lost 10 pounds I would be happy"

Did you feel it? Did you feel the negative impact of that inside your body?

I did.

 It is like a slow, imperceptible wilting. A withering of that internal flame that is your self confidence.Slowly but surely it becomes dimmer and dimmer until one day it is snuffed out altogether and all you are left with is self loathing.

Not pretty.

Now we blame the media, and it sure does have a lot to answer for, but it's also our internal dialogue that is doing the damage. Every cell in your body ( and there is over a trillion of them!) is listening to every thought that you think, every word that you say and  sees every negative look that you give yourself in the mirror.


You are your own worst enemy and it is time to STOP!

Start loving yourself from the inside out NOW! Not when you lose weight or start exercising or give up smoking or can fit into those perfect jeans. NOW!

Because now is when your life is happening. Now is when you get to make the memories. Now is all that you have.

Do you really want to waste your one precious life ( ok if you believe in reincarnation you might have more who knows?)  WAITING?

When I was younger and skinnier I was a complete bitch ( I know ! Hard to believe right? ) I would sneer at fat people on the beach and wonder who they thought they were wearing bathing costumes and swimming ( I cringe now but I was young and vain and shallow. Oh and also not at all happy with my own body) so when I became fat ( or voluptuous as I prefer to call it) there was no way I would be caught dead in a bathing suit at the beach. Instead I gave up swimming. And I LOVED swimming ( well splashing about really)

Who did that hurt? Yup only me. Because ( wait for it, this is the newsflash!) NOBODY ELSE CARES WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE! (Read that again . Take as many times as you like . I'll wait). When this finally sunk into my brain, I bought myself a swimsuit and started swimming again. I didn't realise quite how much I had missed it and now I just think about all the long, hot summers I sat watching everyone else swim. Not any more!

They are too busy worrying about there own lumps and bumps and perceived imperfections to worry about how you look!! ( I KNOW! I can hear your mind being blown from here)

So whatever thing it is that you have been putting off doing until the magic day came when you were finally the right size, the right shape and all parts of you looked exactly like one of those gorgeous  (fake, photo shopped, plastic surgery enhanced ) models ( who are starving and long for nothing more than a decent meal) GO DO IT!

If you are worried about being naked in front of your husband please just realise he LOVES you, all of you, the wrinkles, the bumps, the stretchmarks that you got from birthing his children, the saggy boobs (see the last phrase), the cellulite and because love is blind , he doesn't even really notice them. When you show up naked for him he is delighted because he gets to see all of you and touch you and lick you and grope you and he LOVES it!

If you are newly, back in the dating game and worried about all of the above and how men will look at you  I SWEAR, hand on my heart, by the time you get naked with a guy all he is thinking is "Naked woman in my bed, I am so getting laid tonight"and that's it!!!

Get comfy with your bod, it's where you live. I bet you are far more understanding of your BFF's flaws than you are of your own so become your own best friend. Next time you look in the mirror talk to your reflection like you are your best friend.
A while ago I wrote on my mirror with lipstick "Good morning gorgeous! I love you". Waking up to that everyday helps me feel good about myself . I also give thanks for all my body does for me , every day.
Try it for yourself and see how much better you feel.






If you would like help getting comfortable in your own skin, or developing a better relationship with yourself or would like to deepen your existing relationship with your partner click here

Things I've learned about domestic violence

Things I learned before I was 7:

(1) Keep your head down

As far as anyone knows we are a nice, normal family ( that's me on the end)

(2) Don't make eye contact

(3) Be a good girl

(4) Beatings happen at school too so it must be normal

(5) How to read body language so you can gauge the mood of everyone in a room

(6)  How to read the vibration in the home so you know whether to venture out of your room

(7) Be quiet

(8) Make yourself small

(9) The house feels different when dad is not around

(10) Anger is not ok

Things I learned in in my teens:

(1) Leave home as soon as you can ( my brother left when I was 13 and he never had much to do with the rest of us after that)

(2)  Leaving can be dangerous (when my eldest sister tried to leave home Dad broke her boyfriends nose - she left anyway)

(3) Even if the guy looks and seems nothing like you father, he might be exactly the same

(4) Emotional and psychological abuse leave no physical marks

(5) Being called a "whore"by your father never really leaves you

(6) Marrying a guy covered in tattoos, wears leathers and chains probably not the smartest decision you'll ever make.

Things I learned in my twenties: 

First child before I was 21

(1) Moving away from home is still not far enough

(2) Moving to be near his family not a great idea

(3) Isolation means you have no escape

(4) Being called a "bitch"often enough bounces off you after awhile

(5) Just because he married you doesn't mean he will stand up for you against (a) his family or (b) his friends. You really are on your own

(6)  When you finally leave him  your father will say "I never liked him anyway" and "All (insert husbands surname here) are bastards anyway" in front of your children who bear that name and when you point this out replies "Well we'll  just have to see how they turn out"

(7) You are stronger than you realise

(8) You are  more like your father than you realise

(9) Apologising to your kids when you yell to loud or (still makes me cringe) when you hit them (only once but still makes me feel ill) means you are actually better and more loving than your father ever was

Things I learned in my thirties:
 (1) even after you leave he will make you feel small and useless as a mother

Me with my three sons

(2) All the justifications that you have made for the violence when you were young are not true - it wasn't just until I was8, it affected all of us and lots of fathers work hard but aren't violent

(3) All the anger you have stored inside you will start to leak out and your kids will say you are an angry person

(4) Your kids will also know how much that they  are loved because you will tell them daily and hug them too

(5) You can find love again , with a great man

Things I learned in my forties:
(1) Healing takes time

(2) Embracing your shadow, realising that you are angry too takes all the power away from it

(3) Letting go of anger and resentment and forgiving yourself is a lifetime of work and is totally worth it

(4) Facing up to your family and letting them know how the violence affected you will mean that you lose your family of birth because they are still totally immersed in denial. Getting ok with that will take time.

(5) Finding your soul family will be the most healing of all

(6) Loving yourself is vital

My wedding, with all of our kids (one missing)

(7) Blending a family together takes time but is worth it.

(8) Seeing your kids grow into awesome men and beautiful women means the cycle can be broken and that LOVE wins






Things I know: 

(1) - (10) Violence is never ok.

If you are experiencing violence in your home please take action. Talk to someone, anyone because it is more common than you realise and people will help you if you let them. There is no shame involved, it happens in all walks of life and it can be life threatening. Nobody deserves it, no matter what the perpetrator says.

It's not polite

My mother is a proper Englishwoman. I learnt very early on that there are some things that you just don't do.

 You never ask a woman her age. You never discuss religion, politics or money. And as far as sex goes you lie back and think of England.

Photo thanks to http://www.2cuk.co.uk/uk-flag/

Nice girls don't enjoy sex.
That was the message I got loud and clear as I was growing up.
Sex is dirty and distasteful. Something to be endured not enjoyed.

When I was 25 I was married with two children and was visiting my parents when my mother commented that I was too old to be wearing a mini skirt.   My eldest sister was also wearing one which I pointed out but that was ok because she was single. You see I wasn't too old I was just "off the market" so I didn't need to dress sexy any more.
Hmmm , so not only do good girls not enjoy sex they aren't allowed to dress sexy either.

Photo from Mamamia.com.au

Now I know I'm not the only one getting that message.

 In fact most  people are raised with the same guidelines. We fear telling our kids that sex is fun and enjoyable in case they race out and become promiscuous.  Sadly what we end up doing us giving them conflicting messages around sex and sexuality which leaves them confused and sexually repressed.

On the one hand we use sex to sell everything from toothpaste to cars, children's toys are more and more sexualised ( hello Bratz dolls!), you can buy push bras for girls before their bodies are even contemplating growing breasts, music videos stop just short of full in nudity and yet at the same time kids are getting the message that sex is bad and only nasty, cheap girls are interested in it. What is wrong with this picture?? Quite a lot actually!!

The important thing to show our kids is that touching; hugging, kissing and general affection, are a normal part of an adult relationship. That their parents being affectionate and snugly with each other is not something to be hidden or kept behind closed doors. Yes, they will get to an age where they will be grossed out. Guess what? That is a normal part of growing up but what you are teaching them is invaluable. 

Sex is a normal, healthy part of a relationship so lets stop giving our kids the impression that it is something that should be hidden. It is when it becomes hidden that problems arise. It is when it is hidden and deemed dirty that kids feel conflicted about the urges that start moving through their body as a normal part of growing up. It is when it is hidden that children feel that they cannot discuss it with their parents and they don't know what to do so they turn to their friends for the information that they so desperately need.

Talk to your kids, be affectionate with them all the way through their growing years. Don't just stop because they reach a certain age, that is when they need you more than ever and sometimes a hug from their parents is just what they need. Let them see you being affectionate with your partner so they know that its acceptable to want to touch and hug people that you care for.
Keeping all the channels of communication open, even touch, makes the transition through puberty easier. trust me I've been on the other side where touch and sex were taboo and it wasn't fun.